To understand a human is like knowing the depth of the deepest ocean. Even if you could measure it, you'd never truly understand it. Humans are strange creatures, you see, living just to survive the cruelty of their own choices, and suffering for the choices they couldn't take. Human nature, as we call it: the most beautiful yet the most complicated design. Impossible to fully comprehend, but irresistible to study.
And I am one of them. The same human.
I have complicated emotions.
I hurt people to protect them.
I avoid them to avoid disagreements.
I bury myself every day and relive every day as someone else. Sometimes I'm a people-pleaser. Sometimes I'm rude. Sometimes I'm selfish. Sometimes I'm nothing at all. And those days, those were the days I was the rebel. A tyrant who went against his family.
But honestly, I never truly hated how they felt about me. Yes, there was a time I'd get angry, try to defend myself. But with time I stopped. I just wanted to crawl inside my own shell, away from all noise and interruptions. And when you start viewing things from different perspectives, you become less judgmental. That's why I left. To give myself the silent space to see things differently.
…
I finally decided on what to write.
I am well. I am in the city.
I don't know when I'll be back, but I must say I went away for my own personal reasons. Take care, all. If fate allows, I will not disturb you ever again.
Sam.
"This is the last time I am using this name. From today on a me named Sam will not exist." I said to myself.
I didn't like the name they gave me, Sam. So I named myself. Kai. It has many meanings. In Hawaiian, it means "sea" or "ocean," vastness and depth. In Japanese, also "sea," or "firm, strong, steadfast." In Chinese, it means "victory" or "triumph." In Scandinavian, "warrior" or "rejoice." This is why I chose it. I want to become what my name symbolizes. I heard names impact personality, so why not use this as a way to influence myself with good energy?
…
The final rough draft sat in front of me, and I slumped back in the chair, staring at the messy page with a kind of gloom I couldn't name.
Human nature is strange. In the middle of severe emotions, when you want to break through walls, bang on your chest, cry your eyes out, you suddenly feel hungry. And that hunger makes you feel even more miserable. It's the peak of human weakness: you can't even mourn without wanting food or needing the bathroom. That's how delicate we are.
I remembered once, at the hospital with my sister who was in labor. While she was in the ward, I saw a woman banging on her chest. She'd just miscarried at eight months, just weeks before her baby's delivery. The resident doctor kept urging her to eat; she refused. Finally, I heard her say:
"If you don't eat now, then later, when the baby is taken out and you're at your lowest, you'll feel even more depressed. In such a serious moment, when you think you don't deserve to breathe, you'll still get hungry. But that's human nature. You have to eat so you can be sad at the proper time. I won't say don't cry. I'll say be prepared. You still have kids at home."
That's exactly how I felt now. Writing a letter back home to tell them about me. And at this peak moment, when I was supposed to cry and feel sad, I was actually hungry. Severely hungry. To the point where the tears blurring my vision were more from hunger than from the hurt of leaving home, or from the severities I'd faced.
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