"I can say with absolute certainty that you went entirely overboard when programming my speech module."
"I am currently experiencing a powerful urge to inquire as to when you last ate or slept. However, seeing as I possess neither hands nor a kitchen, I am afraid this conversation threatens to devolve into a rather one-sided scolding."
It was the first time Venom Robin had ever seen Batman's exposed, chiseled jaw exhibit an expression that seemed caught between crying and laughing.
Batman's mouth worked once or twice before he uttered something that thoroughly exceeded Venom Robin's expectations—an actual apology:
"I know it isn't normal. I must be losing my mind to come to a strange place and build a replacement for you."
Alfred fell silent for two seconds. His expression shifted from light teasing to something gentler, just as it had been all those years ago:
"Master Wayne, I have known you longer than anyone else."
"If you were truly losing your mind, you wouldn't be sitting here worrying about whether you've lost it. You would simply don that suit of yours and charge out to break some poor devil's bones."
"Furthermore, that suit you are wearing appears considerably less understated than before. It seems the enemies of this new world are far more formidable than those in Gotham."
Venom Robin distinctly saw Batman smile, so he parted his jaws as well, letting out a couple of foolish, goofy chuckles.
At that chuckle, Alfred's gaze immediately shifted toward him. He bowed slightly to Robin and Thor first before speaking:
"This young gentleman looks as though he were ambushed by an enraged cuttlefish, while that blonde gentleman over there is wielding a hammer—I take it he isn't a carpenter?"
Thor raised an eyebrow, spinning Mjolnir around twice in his grip.
"It was merely a joke," Alfred said with a smile, taking in Thor's reaction. "I know who you are, Thor Odinson—the strongest Avenger. Master Wayne has encoded your file into my database."
Alfred turned his eyes back to Venom Robin:
"I know who you are as well, Robin. Care for a piece of chocolate?"
A mechanical arm extended out from nowhere, holding a piece of chocolate at its tip, which Venom Robin devoured in a single bite.
"Master Wayne, it appears you have found your own companions and your own Robin in this world as well. I ought to be happy for you," Alfred said.
Yet, his voice didn't sound particularly happy.
Batman clearly noticed this as well. Having recovered his composure, he asked in his low, gravelly tone:
"And in reality?"
"In reality, I have already deduced what my duties will entail moving forward." Alfred glanced around at the giant T-Rex inside the Batcave and the twelve massive Frost Giant weapons. "I shall spend every day watching you work without eating or drinking, reminding you daily that it is time to rest, being ignored by you every day, and resuming the exact same reminders the very next morning."
"I do have a vast amount of work that needs doing," Batman said, opening a briefcase and withdrawing the object inside. "Let us begin now."
That object was none other than the Tesseract retrieved from the Adirondack Mountains base.
Venom Robin instinctively shrank his neck back, wanting to flee the scene. Turning his head, he saw Thor standing stock-still in place, his eyes fixed entirely on Alfred.
"Odinson, keep telling me about that story where you pretended to be a bride to go to Jotunheim..." Venom Robin said. Seeing that Thor was ignoring him, he reached out to poke him.
Only then did Thor pull his gaze back, looking down at Venom Robin.
"What are you thinking about?" Venom Robin asked.
Thor shook his head, his long blonde hair swaying:
"I never knew one could harbor such profound longing for another, so much so that he would manifest it into a thing like this."
Not far away, Alfred turned to cast a glance at Thor, smiling faintly before looking back at Batman, who was pretending nothing was amiss.
"The very first step we need to take is to conduct a systematic analysis of the Tesseract itself, Master Wayne. I trust you don't need to handle that personally," Alfred said.
"However..."
Before Batman could finish his sentence, Alfred cut him off:
"No 'howevers,' Master Wayne. Just like before, whenever you require rest, I shall take over your duties."
"And right now, you are in dire need of rest—I can tell. You haven't truly slept in at least four months, have you? And by that, I mean a proper, restful seven hours of sleep."
Venom Robin watched, utterly stunned. He had memories of Alfred in his head, but he hadn't realized the old butler could be quite this assertive—even when operating as mere code and a projection.
"I presume you will argue that even putting the Tesseract analysis aside, you still have countless matters to attend to—such as the arrangements for Adrian Toomes, or the state of S.H.I.E.L.D. after losing Nick Fury."
"Such as monitoring Lady Lucia inside the Raft, or Baron Zemo, Baron Strucker, and Madame Hydra who have escaped."
"Such as Black Knight Dane Whitman's steed, Strider the Pegasus, and the Lady of the Lake who bestowed it upon him."
"Such as the Fantastic Four's recent movements, Dr. Helen Cho's research projects, Dr. Otto's analysis of the Adamantium formula, further research on the Full-Wave Projector, whether Kingpin is brewing any plans, Norman Osborn's maneuvers within the government, and the rest of the world's mutants..."
Batman had kept nothing from Alfred, granting him the highest security clearance within the Batcave; naturally, Alfred was aware of virtually every single issue that kept Batman from sleeping peacefully.
Yet, the old butler spoke in an unusually stern voice:
"I shall handle these matters for the time being. The most important thing for you right now is to go get a good night's sleep, and brew yourself a cup of coffee when you wake up."
"Alfie..." Even Batman himself hadn't anticipated that after Alfred's return, getting a good night's sleep would become his most urgent priority.
Yet it felt entirely natural. With Alfred's presence, there was no longer any need for Batman to personally attend to every minor detail.
He truly could take a proper rest now.
"Of course, what I just said needs to be kept strictly confidential from Master Wayne," Alfred turned to look at the stunned Robin. "You will do so, won't you, Master Robin, Master Thor?"
Thor gave a solemn nod and raised Mjolnir, preparing to swear an oath, but Alfred held up a hand to stop him:
"No need for oaths, Master Thor. I trust you, just as Master Wayne trusts you."
Venom Robin nodded repeatedly as well. He could sense that the butler's appearance had allowed even the perpetually tense Batman to loosen up a bit—as though a lonely leaf floating on the open sea had finally found something to anchor itself to.
Robin was more than happy to see the old Bat relax, rather than remaining strung so tight he hardly even slept.
Alfred turned his gaze back to Batman, who remained standing motionless in place:
"Master Wayne, though I am merely a string of code right now, please treat me as the real Alfred if you would. After all, you wrote tens of millions of lines of code just so I could roll my eyes—at least grant me a modicum of personal dignity."
"Take a good day's rest, Master Wayne. Though this may not be Gotham, so long as I am here, you will never lose your way home."
--
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