**Interviewer:** *sitting in a chair that shouldn't exist, holding a clipboard* Welcome, welcome, WELCOME to the most chaotic interview session you'll ever witness! I'm your host, and today we're dragging — I mean, inviting some very special guests to answer YOUR burning questions!
**Interviewer:** First up Eve!
**Eve:** *appears, looking confused* So uhh... you said you wanted to interview me, right?
**Interviewer:** Indeed! And might I say, you're looking very... robotic today.
**Eve:** *uncertain* Thank you...?
**Interviewer:** *grins* Well, please, have a seat that also shouldn't exist!
**Eve:** *sits, smiles politely* Well, please ask your questions.
**Interviewer:** Alright! First question from the audience: After feeling more human, do you actually feel hungry now?
**Eve:** Yes, I do! But it's not for food. It's for recharging. You know, what we robots use for energy. It's like... I feel the need to recharge the same way humans might feel hungry? Except instead of pizza, I need electricity.
**Interviewer:** So you get hangry but for batteries?
**Eve:** *tilts head* I... suppose that's accurate?
**Interviewer:** Amazing. Next question: Have you ever done something stupid before getting emotions?
**Eve:** *pauses, face flushing with embarrassment* Well, if I remember correctly... one time before I got emotions, me and Angela used to bathe together—
**Interviewer:** *CHOKES* I'm sorry, WHAT?!
**Eve:** *quickly* Wait, let me finish! It wasn't weird! She was young, and I was her caretaker, so I helped her bathe. But the stupid part was that Angela once threw water at my weak spot—the charging port. Since it was open at the time, I got shut down immediately.
**Interviewer:** Did you die?!
**Eve:** Luckily I survived that shit.
**Interviewer:** *scribbling notes* "Nearly killed by bath time..." This is GOLD. Okay, final question for you: If you became fully human, what would you do?
**Eve:** If I became human, I'd probably eat food first. I think they look tasty, and I want to experience that. *pauses thoughtfully* Also, I'd probably want to know why people need to pee. Like, what does that feel like? Is it uncomfortable? Is it relieving? I have so many questions about human waste elimination—
**Interviewer:** OKAY WOW, we are NOT going down that rabbit hole today! *shuffles papers frantically* This is crazy, but anyway, you can go now!
**Eve:** But we're in a room that I don't even know how to leave
**Interviewer:** Well, you'll forget about it.
**Eve:** Wait, what—
*Eve disappears*
**Interviewer:** *muttering* Robots asking about peeing. This is why I don't get paid enough by the author. Oh wait, I don't get paid at all.
**Interviewer:** *straightens up* Hello, Angela!
**Angela:** *appears, immediately irritated* What is it?
**Interviewer:** Well, I want to ask you some questions!
**Angela:** *crosses arms* Do it fast. I have better things to do than talk to a voice in a white void.
**Interviewer:** Rude, but okay! What's your favorite food, color, and things to do?
**Angela:** My favorite color is blue. My favorite food is pizza. And my favorite thing to do is fishing.
**Interviewer:** *perks up* Really? I didn't know you liked fishing! That's surprisingly peaceful for someone with your... *gestures vaguely* ...energy.
**Angela:** Yeah, well. It's calming. You sit there, you wait, you don't have to talk to anyone. It's perfect.
**Interviewer:** Aww, that's actually sweet—
**Angela:** And if the fish pisses me off, I can kill it without legal consequences.
**Interviewer:** *pause* ...There it is. Okay! Next question: What type of guy do you like?
**Angela:** What kind of question is this? Who submitted this? *glares at nothing*
**Interviewer:** Just answer it!
**Angela:** *sighs* Fine. Probably just needs to be alive. That's it. And even that's optional.
**Interviewer:** I—Your standards are WEIRD.
**Angela:** I know. Can I go now?
**Interviewer:** Wait, one more thing! We need your reaction to something.
**Angela:** To what?
**Interviewer:** Eve mentioned you two used to bathe together.
**Angela:** *face goes RED* THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD! IT WASN'T WEIRD!
**Interviewer:** And then you tried to kill her by throwing water on her charging port?
**Angela:** I WAS EIGHT! I didn't know that would shut her down! I thought robots were waterproof!
**Interviewer:** Were you scared when she shut down?
**Angela:** *quieter* ...I thought I broke her. I thought she was dead and it was my fault. *defensive again* But then she was fine, so whatever!
**Interviewer:** That's actually kind of touching—
**Angela:** We're done here.
**Interviewer:** Wait—
**Angela:** I said we're DONE.
**Interviewer:** Well then, you can go now!
**Angela:** Wait, what—
*Angela disappears*
**Interviewer:** *to the void* She has SO many issues.
**Interviewer:** Welcome, Carmilla!
**Carmilla:** *appears, immediately lighting a cigarette* Let's get this over with. I have research to do.
**Interviewer:** In the white void?
**Carmilla:** *pauses* ...Fair point.
**Interviewer:** First question: Have you ever dated anyone?
**Carmilla:** *takes a long drag* Well, I dated once. And it was really weird. That guy took me to an active murder crime scene because he was a detective. Thought it would be "interesting" for me.
**Interviewer:** That's... actually kind of romantic? In a morbid way?
**Carmilla:** He found the WRONG criminal. Arrested an innocent man because he "looked suspicious."
**Interviewer:** Oh no.
**Carmilla:** Spent the whole date trying to explain basic forensic evidence to him. He didn't listen. The actual murderer killed two more people before they caught him.
**Interviewer:** *horrified* What a loser.
**Carmilla:** *nods* Indeed.
**Interviewer:** Okay, lighter question: What's your height and age?
**Carmilla:** Uhh, I'm 5'3". And my age? *narrows eyes* Don't you have any shame asking a woman her age?
**Interviewer:** I'm a disembodied voice! I have no shame!
**Carmilla:** *sighs* Fine. I'm 36.
**Interviewer:** *whistles* Damn, fine wine!
**Carmilla:** *dangerous tone* Did you say something?
**Interviewer:** *quickly* Nothing! You can go now!
**Carmilla:** Wait, I want to comment on something first.
**Interviewer:** Oh?
**Carmilla:** Angela and Eve bathing together. You said Eve mentioned it?
**Interviewer:** Yes...?
**Carmilla:** *analytical tone* That's actually a critical bonding moment that Angela refuses to acknowledge. She nearly killed Eve through childish ignorance, experienced guilt and fear of loss, but then suppressed those emotions because they conflicted with her developing resentment narrative. Textbook psychological defense mechanism.
**Interviewer:** ...Are you analyzing her in the interview?
**Carmilla:** Always. It's what I do.
**Interviewer:** That's deeply concerning! Anyway, you can go now!
**Carmilla:** What—
*Carmilla disappears*
**Interviewer:** *now visibly excited* Yo dude, what's up! I'm gonna ask you some questions!
**Pranit:** *appears casually, way too comfortable* What's up! Okay, let's see what you got.
**Interviewer:** First question: Are you Indian? Are you from India?
**Pranit:** Well, I'm from England, but my mom is Indian. So yeah, I have Indian blood running through me. *grins* Literally, in my veins right now. Along with some other people's blood probably.
**Interviewer:** That's... that's horrifying. Next! What's the best food you've ever eaten?
**Pranit:** *leans back* Oh man, people always think it would be human meat, right? Like, "Pranit the cannibal must love eating people the most!"
**Interviewer:** ...And?
**Pranit:** But honestly? It's Paneer Tikka Masala. That shit is *chef's kiss*. My mom used to make it when I was a kid. The spices, the creamy tomato sauce, the soft paneer... *nostalgic sigh* Nothing beats it.
**Interviewer:** *genuinely surprised* Woah, really? You're actually full of surprises! That's kind of... sweet?
**Pranit:** I'm a complex individual.
**Interviewer:** You're a cannibal.
**Pranit:** I contain multitudes.
**Interviewer:** Alright, you can go now—
**Pranit:** Wait, can I comment on something?
**Interviewer:** Sure?
**Pranit:** Eve nearly got killed in a bath? *laughs* That's the most mundane way for a robot to die. Not in combat, not saving somdisappears SPLASH dead from bath water.
**Interviewer:** *trying not to laugh* She survived!
**Pranit:** Still hilarious. Also, Angela's dating standards being "alive and optional"? *approving nod* Respect. That's realistic in this economy.
**Interviewer:** What does the economy have to do with—
**Pranit:** And Carmilla's date taking her to a crime scene? *wheezing* I can't that's peak awkward!
**Interviewer:** Are you done?
**Pranit:** *wiping tears* Yeah, yeah. I'm good.
**Interviewer:** Okay, you can ACTUALLY go now.
**Pranit:** Cool. See ya!
*Pranit disappears*
**Interviewer:** Okay, NOW for the fun part! GROUP ROUND!
*All four characters appear simultaneously*
**Eve:** What—
**Angela:** Oh hell no.
**Carmilla:** This again?
**Pranit:** Ayo, squad's here!
**Interviewer:** SILENCE! I have one question for all of you. Angela, you first: What do you REALLY think about Eve?
**Angela:** *crosses arms* She's... *long pause* ...annoying.
**Eve:** *hurt* I'm standing right here!
**Angela:** I know. You're still annoying.
**Interviewer:** Carmilla, what about you?
**Carmilla:** Eve is fascinating from a scientific standpoint. A synthetic consciousness developing genuine emotions. She's probably the most important being in this room.
**Eve:** *perks up* Really?
**Carmilla:** Yes. Angela is just depressed. Pranit is just hungry. You're actually evolving.
**Pranit:** Hey!
**Angela:** Excuse me?!
**Interviewer:** *delighted* And Pranit, your thoughts on Eve?
**Pranit:** *shrugs* She seems nice. Wouldn't eat her. Probably tastes like motor oil anyway.
**Eve:** *backing away* That's... thank you?
**Interviewer:** BEAUTIFUL. Now, rapid fire! Favorite food!
**Eve:** I can't eat food!
**Angela:** Pizza.
**Carmilla:** Coffee. It's food if you believe hard enough.
**Pranit:** Paneer Tikka Masala!
**Carmilla:** *stares at Pranit* ...Did you just say Paneer Tikka Masala?
**Pranit:** Yeah. What about it?
**Carmilla:** You're a CANNIBAL. You eat PEOPLE. And your favorite food is PANEER?
**Pranit:** *defensive* It's really good paneer!
**Angela:** *thoughtful* That's actually psychologically interesting. He prefers the comfort food from his childhood over his current dietary habits. Suggests he's aware his cannibalism is aberrant behavior.
**Pranit:** Or I just really like Indian food.
**Eve:** *quietly* I want to try paneer now.
**Interviewer:** You can't eat!
**Eve:** I KNOW! *frustrated* That's why I want to be human!
**Angela:** So you can eat paneer.
**Eve:** So I can eat EVERYTHING! Including paneer!
**Interviewer:** This is derailing FAST. One more question! If you all had to save only ONE person here, who would it be?
**Eve:** *immediately* Miss Angela.
**Angela:** *surprised* ...What?
**Eve:** I would protect you. Always.
**Angela:** *looks away* ...Shut up.
**Carmilla:** I'd save myself. Obviously.
**Pranit:** Honestly? Also myself. Survival first.
**Interviewer:** Wow, two selfish people and one robot with feelings. This group is a disaster.
**Carmilla:** We're aware.
**Interviewer:** OKAY! Final final FINAL question!
**Everyone:** *groans*
**Interviewer:** React to this: Carmilla is 36 and only 5'3".
**Pranit:** *immediate laughter* YOU'RE 5'3"?!
**Carmilla:** *dangerous voice* Do we have a problem?
**Pranit:** I thought you were at least 5'6"! You have such big energy!
**Eve:** Miss Carmilla, you're actually quite short...
**Carmilla:** I am AVERAGE HEIGHT for a woman!
**Angela:** You're shorter than me.
**Carmilla:** BY TWO INCHES!
**Interviewer:** And she's 36!
**Pranit:** Damn, you're old!
**Carmilla:** I'M NOT OLD!
**Eve:** That's older than my operational years...
**Angela:** You look young for 36 though.
**Carmilla:** *suspicious* ...Is that a compliment?
**Angela:** Don't get used to it.
**Interviewer:** *cackling* This is PERFECT! Okay, everyone OUT!
**Eve:** Wait, I still have questions about—
**Angela:** We're LEAVING.
**Carmilla:** Finally.
**Pranit:** Same time next week?
**Interviewer:** MAYBE! NOW GO!
*Everyone disappears*yo
**Interviewer:** *alone in the white void, exhausted* Well, that was today's interview session. We learned that:
- Eve wants to understand peeing
- Angela nearly murdered Eve in a bathtub
- Carmilla dated an idiot
- Pranit prefers paneer to people
- Everyone has issues
**Interviewer:** We'll meet again soon. Maybe. Who knows? I don't control this narrative.
**Interviewer:** *looks at camera* Do I even exist?
*Long pause*
**Interviewer:** ...Anyway, goodbye!
[POST CREDITS]
**Eve's voice from the void:** WAIT, I STILL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE PEEING THING—
**Interviewer:** SESSION CLOSED!
**Pranit's voice:** Can we talk about the paneer recipe though—
**Angela's voice:** NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PANEER!
**Carmilla's voice:** I'm still here. You forgot to teleport me.
**Interviewer:** *panicked* OH SHIT—
*Carmilla disappears*
**Interviewer:** *relieved sigh* Crisis averted.