Chapter 93: The Alternate Universe of 'Shipping'
The Bureau had handled critics and deletions, but it was unprepared for the Force of Fandom. At 22:00 Cycles, the Giant Silver Mirror in the Lobby floor didn't just reflect; it projected. The glass rippled like water, and suddenly, the "Official Trajectories" were being overwritten by shimmering, pink-tinted text that scrolled across the floor.
"Commissioner!" Assistant Yue buzzed, her sensors flickering in a rhythmic, heart-shaped pattern. "WE. ARE. EXPERIENCING. A. 'NON-CANONICAL. INTERVENTION'. THE. READERS. OF. THE. FUTURE. HAVE. DECIDED. THAT. THE. BUREAU. LACKS. 'ROMANTIC. TENSION'. THEY. ARE. ATTEMPTING. TO. 'SHIP'. YOU. WITH. THE. MOST. ILLOGICAL. PARTNERS. POSSIBLE!"
The Narrative of the Heart
The Bureau's professional atmosphere dissolved into a 7.5% haze of rose-scented mist.
The Muse looked at Ne Job with wide, glistening eyes she didn't authorize. "Ne Job," she whispered, her hair turning a soft, romantic peach. "I never realized your filing system was a metaphor for your... lonely heart."
Architect Ao Bing was suddenly dressed in a tuxedo, holding a bouquet of silver roses. "Commissioner! I have built a city... for us!"
Even the Scoundrel from the "Archive of Failed Ideas" leaned against a pillar, biting a rose and smoldering with a 100% unearned intensity.
"This is a violation of Protocol!" Ne Job roared, his face turning a shade of red that matched the "Slow-Burn Romance" tag appearing on his desk. "I am a Head Archivist! I don't have time for 'Stolen Glances' or 'Meaningful Silences'!"
The 7.5% Fan-Fiction Field
The Mirror was feeding on the Readers' desires. It was trying to rewrite Ne Job's "And" into a "Forever."
A caption appeared over Ne Job's head: 'He adjusted his hat, his eyes smoldering with hidden passion.'
Ne Job tried to glare, but the "Fan-Fiction Field" turned his glare into a "Brooding, Mysterious Smirk."
"Pip! The wrench! Give me a 'Reality Check'!"
"I can't, Boss!" Pip yelled, currently being rewritten as a 'Matchmaking Cupboard-Imp.' "I'm busy trying to find a mistletoe that works in 7.5% gravity!"
Ne Job realized that the more he resisted, the more the Readers saw it as "Tension." To a Fan-Fiction writer, a "No" is just a "Not Yet."
The Semicolon of Platonic Duty
Ne Job looked at the Semicolon. It was beginning to glow with a soft, sentimental violet.
"I am a character of Function!" Ne Job declared. "I do not belong to the 'Ship'; I belong to the Work!"
He didn't fire a staple. He used the Semicolon to perform a 7.5% Professional Boundary. He touched the violet light to the Mirror and channeled the most Un-Romantic Data in the Bureau's history:
A 40-page spreadsheet on the depreciation of stapler-springs.
The exact temperature requirements for storing damp vellum.
The 13:00 Cycles update on "Standardized Ink-Dry Times."
The Cooling of the Prose
The pink mist hit the "Boring Data" and instantly evaporated. The rose-tinted light turned back into the cool, clinical glow of the Archive. The Muse blinked, her hair snapping back to electric-neon blue.
"Wait... why am I holding your hand?" she asked, dropping it instantly.
"The Readers were 'Shipping' us, Muse," Ne Job said, wiping a rose petal off his shoulder. "They wanted a 'Grand Finale.' I gave them a 'Quarterly Audit' instead."
The Mirror in the floor cracked under the weight of the mundane data. The "Alternate Universe" collapsed, and the "Fan-Fiction Force" retreated back into the void of the internet.
The Archivist's Log
Ne Job straightened his hat and checked his "Romantic Status." It was back to its 100% "Complicated but Professional" setting.
LOG: CHAPTER 93 SUMMARY.
STATUS: Canonical integrity restored. 'Shipping' prevented.
NOTE: Romance is fine for humans, but it's a 7.5% distraction for an Archivist.
OBSERVATION: If you want to stop a love story, start talking about tax returns. It works every time.
P.S.: Ao Bing is still wearing the tuxedo. He says he likes the 'Structural Tailoring.'
The Muse leaned over his shoulder, her hair back to its usual glow. "You know, for a second there, the Scoundrel looked quite... dashing."
Ne Job looked at the Semicolon. It was glowing with a strictly professional violet.
"He's a 2D sketch, Muse. It would never work," Ne Job said. "Now, why is Assistant Yue sounding a 7.5% alarm and why has a Giant Silver Question Mark appeared in the center of the Lobby, and why is it currently eating our 'Answers'?"