He breathed in.
'In…'
He breathed out.
'Out…'
He sat with his eyes closed, focusing on his breathing as he tried to get familiar to the feeling of an empty mind.
'In…'
No emotions, no thoughts, no memories…
'Out…'
This was far more difficult than he had expected.
He was still riding the emotional high of Gryffindor's victory against Slytherin the day before. It had been an easy win despite the bad weather, largely thanks to his new Firebolt.
'In…'
The look on Malfoy's face the first time he saw Harry's new broom had been hilarious - Oliver Wood had gone out of his way to keep the Firebolt a secret before Gryffindor's first Quidditch match of the year.
'Out…'
He heard the soft rustle of a page turning.
Suddenly, he became acutely aware of Ginny sitting a few feet away, reading on a couch the Room of Requirement had conjured.
Ginny…
He was fairly certain that Ginny liked him. She had kissed him on the lips after their Blood Pact…
Katie Bell had just looked at him in pity and murmured, "Poor Ginny, having such a dense crush," after he asked her if a girl would ever kiss a boy on the lips she didn't like, after one Quidditch training session last week.
That was a bit unfair. Harry wasn't that dense.
But the thought of confessing to Ginny was still terrifying… What if he was wrong? Would he destroy their friendship? And how would he do it? He couldn't just blurt it out or drop it casually into a conversation. How did other boys do it?
"Focus on your breathing, Harry. You let your mind wander again, didn't you?" Ginny's voice drifted into his ears and his eyes snapped open.
"Oh, yeah…" Harry admitted, embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his neck.
Ginny let out a sigh and closed her book.
"What's distracting you so much?" she asked, sounding slightly exasperated.
Oh, shit!
"Ah, I was just wondering about Black and if he was really murdered… I let my mind wander. Sorry, Ginny."
Good job, brain!
"Yeah," Ginny murmured, now a bit more interested. "That is something I've been wondering too… You remember the special edition of the Daily Prophet about Sirius Black's death?"
Harry nodded. Ginny had given him the paper after his court appointment during the summer holidays. It had been quite an interesting read. There was even an article about Black being his godfather and the trial of Pettigrew.
The bastard who had betrayed his parents had been sentenced to a Dementor's Kiss by now, which was, according to Ginny, a form of death sentence - good riddance.
"I've done some research and it turns out Professor Lupin was friends with Black and your father at school and even afterwards."
"Really?" Harry asked in surprise - Lupin had never mentioned Black or his father to him.
"Yeah… Maybe he knows something, or maybe Dumbledore has told him something. I would like to know if there is any connection between Black and Macnair," Ginny continued.
Ginny had told him of her suspicions about Walden Macnair and that he had been a Death Eater in Voldemort's inner circle, who had escaped justice. She also suspected that the Malfoys might have been involved.
"You should talk to him. I know you want to hear some stories about your father too, right?" she said with a knowing smile.
"I… guess," Harry conceded – because he really wanted to hear some stories about his father and maybe Black too.
This morning Professor Lupin had returned to work, even though he still looked ill. Fortunately, they no longer had to complete Snape's essay on recognising werewolves. Instead they had a rather enjoyable lesson about hinkypunks - little one-legged creatures who looked as though they were made of wisps of smoke.
So a few days later, Harry knocked on the door of Professor Lupin's office. Lupin looked surprised to see him, but quickly invited him in.
"Cup of tea?" Lupin said, looking around for his kettle. "I was just thinking of making one."
"All right," said Harry awkwardly.
Lupin tapped the kettle with his wand and a blast of steam issued suddenly from the spout.
"Sit down," said Lupin, taking the lid off a dusty tin. "I've only got teabags, I'm afraid…"
"So why did you want to talk to me?" Lupin asked, passing Harry a chipped mug of tea.
"Ginny told me you were friends with my father and Black back at Hogwarts…" Harry just came straight out with what he wanted to talk about but then faltered. What exactly was it that he wanted to know?
"Miss Weasley did? Well I won't deny it…" Lupin said with a wry, melancholic smile.
"Can you… can you tell me about my dad and maybe Sirius Black, too?" Harry asked. He felt he should at least know something about his godfather.
"Of course, Harry," Lupin said with a warm, but sad smile. "I don't know how much you have already been told…"
Lupin paused. Harry almost blurted out that he had never been told anything, but he held his tongue.
"James and Sirius were arrogant little berks," Lupin said, to Harry's surprise. "But they were the best friends I ever had and the most amazing people I've ever met…"
Lupin went on to tell him about their time at Hogwarts. They had been pranksters, much like the Weasley twins, and were always getting into trouble with Professor McGonagall. He spoke about how James and Sirius were brilliant at magic but were also sometimes quite arrogant. He also told him that Sirius had left the Black family at sixteen and gone to live with James's parents, and that James had fancied Lily for years, though she only returned his feelings in their seventh year after he matured.
Harry was so glad that he had listened to Ginny's advice about talking to Lupin – that reminded him of what Ginny had wanted him to ask Lupin.
"Professor… do you know a wizard named Walden Macnair? Did he have any connection to Sirius Black?"
"Walden Macnair… mmh, isn't he an executioner working in Azkaban? I think he had already graduated Hogwarts when Sirius, James and I were first years… I don't think I have ever met him. Why?"
"Ah, nothing, just curious," Harry answered awkwardly. Lupin studied him for a moment, clearly unconvinced by the excuse, but decided not to inquire further into Harry's question.
"Did Sirius Black have any enemies?"
This time Lupin didn't answer immediately.
"You are referring to the speculations about whether Sirius was murdered?" Lupin asked rhetorically, with a sad and tired look. "Well… now as an adult I can see that what we did back then was less pranking and more bullying and we fought together in the war of course against Voldemort's followers, but Harry you should leave the investigations to the Aurors."
"I know the Auror investigating the case personally," he continued. "Alastor, Mad-Eye, Moody - I can guarantee you that he will find out if this hadn't been an accident."
Unfortunately, he did not seem willing to say more.
The stories Lupin had shared lingered in Harry's thoughts as he made his way back to the Room of Requirement. When he arrived, he found Ginny and recounted his conversation with Lupin, sharing what little he had learned about the Black case.
Ginny looked a little frustrated but admitted she hadn't expected much in the first place.
A warm sensation bloomed in Harry's stomach - Ginny had asked him to speak with Lupin mostly so he could hear stories about his parents, surely.
After a short pause, they continued with their Occlumency training.
"The point about clearing your mind is that it is more difficult for the Legilimens to find the first memory. You see, Legilimency jumps from one memory to the next by finding associated memories. If there is no first memory, then Legilimency fails from the get-go. Do you know what to do when this happens?" Ginny asked at the end of her explanation.
"Yes, then the Occlumens has to push the Legilimency attack out with their mind," Harry repeated, citing the Occlumency book Ginny had given him – Protection Charm Your Mind: A Practical Guide to Counter Legilimency by Franciscus Fieldwake.
"Correct," Ginny confirmed, now clearly in her teaching mode. She looked very cute when she was serious. "More advanced forms of Occlumency include mind shields – a wandless form of Protego Mentis – and ordering your mind and memories. But that is for later."
It had truly been fascinating to read about everything Occlumency could do. It was strange that it wasn't taught at Hogwarts.
"Are you ready?" Ginny asked, levelling her wand at him.
It was the first time she would try Legilimency on him. Harry felt a pang of nerves but tried to clear his mind. When he nodded, she cast the spell.
"Legilimens!"
The room swam in front of his eyes and vanished - image after image raced through his mind like a flickering film so vivid it blinded him to his surroundings.
He was five, watching Dudley ride a new red bicycle and his heart was bursting with jealousy… He was nine and Ripper the bulldog was chasing him up a tree while the Dursleys were laughing below on the lawn… He was a few years older, doing chores… He was sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs and Aunt Petunia was hammering on the door to wake him up…
'No,' said a voice in Harry's head as the memory changed to him crying in his cupboard, with only the spiders there to give him comfort. 'Don't show this to Ginny! She will think that you are pathetic and weak!'
But it was over before he could press against Ginny's Legilimency spell. The room and Ginny came back into view.
She seemed shaken and looked at him in disbelief. Harry was still slightly disoriented and wondered what had shocked her so much.
"They let you sleep in a fucking cupboard?!" she screamed, looking furious.
Harry felt warmth in his stomach. He had been so scared to tell Ginny about his childhood. But seeing her angry on his behalf felt kind of nice. This was also the first time he had heard her curse.
"It's not a big deal…" he tried to calm her down.
"Not a big deal?" she asked in disbelief. "Of course it's a big deal! I will curse the Dursleys till they wish they were dead!" Ginny continued.
Harry had accepted the Dursleys' hate and indifference, but seeing his secret crush like this still felt nice and made him love her even more.
"It's ok, Ginny," he said gently, taking her hands. "I have accepted that the Dursleys will never be a real family to me."
The anger on Ginny's face ebbed away and was replaced by sadness and empathy.
"You shouldn't have to… Are you really ok with me seeing memories like this? Should we stop for today?" she asked, unsure.
"No… It might be discomfiting to share those memories, but you are the one person in the world I trust the most. Let's continue," he said gently. Ginny looked more shaken by the memories than he felt. If anything, he would stop for her sake.
"I'll try to push against you this time. Come on!" he tried to motivate her.
Ginny looked unconvinced, but raised her wand again after he let go of her hands.
"Fine," she conceded with a sigh. "But we will have revenge on those miserable Muggles."
Harry didn't feel like saying anything to that and just smiled wryly.
"I can't really choose what memories I see, just some general directions. I thought delving into older childhood memories would be less embarrassing… I'm sorry, Harry," she explained.
That made sense to Harry. Ginny hadn't known how bad his childhood with the Dursley had been.
"I'll try to focus on more recent memories this time, ok? My Legilimency isn't precise enough to control it better than this..."
Harry hesitated, searching for any recent memory that he would rather she didn't see. After a moment he remembered the confession he had made while she lay unconscious. But before he could say something or figure out how to say it, Ginny had already pointed her wand at him.
"Brace yourself… Legilimens," she said as she cast the spell once more.
Ginny in her Santa outfit, with a short red skirt and matching Santa hat…
Harry relaxed slightly when this memory rose to the surface. She was so beautiful and cute…
Ginny was dancing with him in her white ethereal dress, looking so pure and lovely. Then memory Harry leaned in to kiss her…
He felt mortified knowing Ginny was watching the memory with him… Hopefully she wouldn't remember that she had been angry with him afterwards. Then he remembered he was supposed to resist the Legilimency and tried, but failed.
The memory changed again.
Harry was sitting on Dudley's bed and the screen of the telly flickered.
He was horrified as a suspicion crept in which memory would be shown next…
A naked red-haired woman perched on the kitchen counter, legs splayed wide, while a dark-haired woman knelt between them, tongue lapping and lips pressing hungrily against her most intimate places…
"Haa, yeah! Keep going!"
No! He pushed desperately against the spell…
"Ngh! That's so good!"
Abort! Abort! He pushed as hard as possible.
Memory-Harry sat frozen, trousers tented unmistakably, eyes glued to the screen in wide-eyed, shameless fascination.
Unconsciously, he raised his hand as if it could protect him from Ginny's spell. And his magic somehow reacted to his desperate wish to defend his memories, as a light blue Shield Charm appeared between them for a moment - had Harry cast this?
Ginny staggered and her wand flew upward, away from Harry, and suddenly Harry saw a memory that wasn't his own.
A slightly older Ginny was standing in front of a giant, monstrous, scaly black lizard with evil, yellow eyes and a spiked tail. Was this what an adult dragon looked like? Harry had only ever seen Norbert, Hagrid's baby dragon…
Then the dragon opened its massive, tooth-filled maw and unleashed a torrent of fire in Ginny's direction. Harry didn't understand what was going on… had Ginny fought a dragon using an Ageing Potion in the past? That idea seemed ridiculous… Only then did he notice hundreds of spectators in the stands, all cheering her name.
Memory Ginny deflected the dragon's fire and created thick chains from the earth itself to bind the creature, which roared and thrashed against the bindings.
The memory ended as Ginny retrieved a golden egg for some reason and Harry found himself back in the Room of Requirement in front of the real Ginny.
"Bloody hell… what was that?" he whispered, stunned.
oOoOo
That was close…
Fortunately, Harry had not seen anything too incriminating, just a dreamlike hallucination Alexander once had in the void. No reason to Obliviate him, yet.
She had deliberately avoided telling Harry to use his wand the way Snape had in the fifth book, yet he had produced a Shield Charm anyway… Oh well. Next time she would just push some inane memories to the front while casting the Legilimency spell.
She could just pretend that this was a dream and next year pretend to be surprised that the first task was exactly like she had dreamed. Maybe feigning the Inner Eye next year could be useful. No problem there.
"Just a weird dream I once had about joining a tournament at Hogwarts and fighting a dragon…" she explained with a shrug. "Don't worry, I never actually fought a dragon," she added with a teasing grin.
"Ah, I see," Harry said, clearly relieved.
Then she frowned.
Watching porn felt slightly out of character for him…
Harry froze, horrified, now remembering the last memory he had shown her.
He somehow managed to turn pale and red at the same time, which was almost impressive.
She stared at him, because this was amusing. A small part of her was also disappointed for some reason.
"Ehm, that…" he began, looking down, clearly lost for words. "It was in Dudley's pile of VHS tapes… I didn't know what it was when I put it in, I swear… I'm sorry."
Why did it bother Ginny that he was aroused by other women? Strange…
"Why are you apologizing to me?" she asked neutrally, folding her arms while studying Harry. "You can watch what you want in your free time…"
Maybe she felt a faint streak of vindictiveness. She felt a little betrayed. Harry should only see her as attractive, not some random Muggle porn sluts…
Harry didn't answer. He just looked down, shivering slightly. Was he that scared of her hating him for that?
"I'm sorry," he muttered again.
It's not like she couldn't relate. Alexander had been caught by Anastasia watching porn when he was a teen too. There was hardly any privacy in an orphanage after all.
Ginny sighed.
"Fine, whatever. I'm not angry, just disappointed," she said.
Harry flinched as if he had been struck and Ginny felt a little guilty.
"Do you want to go to the Common Room together?" she offered as a sign of peace. She didn't want to give the poor boy some complex after all.
"I… I'll stay a little longer and read up on Occlumency…" he said as an excuse. Maybe he feared the awkward walk back? Whatever…
"Sure, suit yourself," Ginny said, taking her bag and leaving the Room of Requirement. Maybe she had been a little too harsh. She would officially forgive him the next time she saw him.
So Ginny made her way to the Gryffindor Tower alone when she saw Dean waiting in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"Ginny!" he shouted when he saw her. "Were you together with Potter again?" he asked suspiciously. What right did he have to question her?
Lately, probably ever since Harry swore the Blood Oath, Ginny had stopped caring for Dean or other boys. Even getting Harry jealous wasn't that fun anymore… Strange.
Ginny stopped and looked at him, unimpressed.
"Why?" she asked in a neutral tone - should she keep him on the hook, like Mira? But he was becoming boring…
"We went on a date and I thought we were getting closer, but ever since the beginning of the new school year, you've been distant and spending all your time with Potter… Don't you think I deserve to know if you're dating Potter now?" he said and looked down. Was there a tear in his eye?
Let's have revenge for annoying her.
"Oh, Dean," she began softly, her voice turning sad and tender. "Harry is just a friend and the last thing I wanted was to hurt you."
She stepped closer and gently touched his cheek so that he would look up and see her fake genuineness.
"I don't feel for Harry the same way I feel about you, but I'm not ready for a real relationship… I'm sorry, Dean," she whispered, looking down and pretending to be shy.
Dean was now completely confused from the emotional whiplash. Perfect. Let's now ignore him again.
"Well, goodnight, Dean. I'm tired," she said briskly, then turned around and entered the common room, leaving Dean behind.