I looked at the entrance to the Library tower, waiting.
Waiting for what exactly though?
I didn't really know.
Maybe for someone to let me in, after all I was technically a guest within these walls albeit a slightly unwilling one.
A treasure trove of wealth right in front of me hidden behind those… spikey…crimson…doors. Surely such gates were overkill for a library right? Nevertheless I steeled my nerves, approaching the doors, making sure to avoid the spikes as I knocked.
THUMP THUMP THUMP
The noise reverberated behind the solid wood slabs as I stood before them, waiting but with purpose this time, waiting for someone to open the doors.
And I stood there, patiently, until it slowly started to run out.
I examined the spikes on the gate, they weren't exactly part of the wood grown naturally, they had been painstakingly attached one by one, each individual spike being attached into ruled rows and perfectly straight columns, both combining to form a lattice of spike work that…somehow felt off.
There was something slightly wrong with the entire formation. Something just out of place but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was. I went over both the doors, examining each spike one by one, diligently checking each spike to see if there was something suspect.
For the life of me however, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was just about to lose my temper, give up and bang on the door yet again when all of a sudden, I saw it.
A single spike, twisted just a few degrees to the left. So slightly that if one wasn't actively looking they most certainly would not be able to tell.
I debated on whether or not to fidget with it, but in the end scholarly curiosity won and I reached over, grabbing and twisting it, straightening it out and making the formation whole again. At first nothing happened.
I stood there long enough for the sweat building on the nape of my neck to soak all the way down my back. Just as I was about to raise my fist to bang on the door once again, it swung open, a gust of air smacking my mouth closed.
I stood there for a second longer, hesitating peering into the dark corridor the opened doors revealed, debating on whether or not I should go in just then my back cramped up, muscles tensing, clenching, pulling at my skin, making my old wounds throb and pulse. The SNAP of the whip as it cracked against my back rendering the skin…
No
I had to go on. I couldn't go back.
I had to take the leap.
And so I stepped into the abyss.
And it swallowed me, spitting me out in a hall, long and dark, lined by wrought metal torches, their baskets old and cold. I stood there, waiting, listening, for a sound, a sign, something to call me forward.
But none came.
So I took a step forward.
Whoosh
A pair of torches lit up, Illuminating the red carpeted path.
I took another two steps.
Whoosh Whoosh
Another few sets of torches lighting up the path even further out.
This was my sign.
So I kept on walking, kept on going further and further, travelling a distance that didnt really seem possible considering the dimensions of the tower. I walked for an eternity, or was it a minute, or had an hour passed instead. I was just traversing on and on…who was I? What was I doing here?
Why am I walking on and on and on?
Where is this place?
Is this samsara?
Or is it limbo?
Did I die?
How did I die?
I could feel my heart, so am I alive?
Wait, who am I?
Where?
What?
Who?
And suddenly I was in a hall, spit out of the hallway like a cherry pit that had been stripped off its flesh.
My senses had been returned to me.
But what had happened? Why was I so befuddled?
"A confusion array, truly a tool most intriguing is it not?"
A deep loud voice rang out from behind me. I turned around, eyes adjusting to the dim torch lighting as a tall wizened figure made itself visible behind a desk.
"A confusion array?" I voiced out, hoping to get an answer from what I could only assume was the librarian.
"A marvelous feat of Qi engineering that seeks to use a target's own Qi to lead their minds astray. Many a cultivator that sought to invade these walls found themselves…well, unwilling permanent guests." chuckled the figure.
I quickly gave the man a polite bow and said," This junior has been most rude, may I get the esteemed elders name."
"Hmmm, quite polite aren't you, that's good," the man nodded approvingly.
"My name, hmmm well you can call me Elder Lin. I am the guardian of this library here, the amalgamation of the clan's collected knowledge."
I drew in a quick breath, the clan's complete reservoir of information right before my eyes. A veritable treasure trove.
"May I know if the Elder would grant me permission to roam through the shelves in order to satisfy my curiosity."
Elder Lin said nothing, he just gave me an appraising gaze, almost as if he were peeling me apart, layer by layer with his eyes.
"Knowledge my dear boy." he drawled slowly, "Is considered by many to be a weapon. I disagree. I think knowledge is a whetstone that can be used to sharpen your mind. Scrape away the excess until what's left is as deadly and sharp as any sword or dagger."
He paused for a second and then continued.
"I wonder whether or not it would be appropriate of me to let you build such a weapon but…Hmmm, well since you made it past the confusion array it must seem like little Li must approve of you somewhat."
I almost grinned in excitement.
"But on the other hand, I can smell the putrid stench of the Lei dogs on you.
And the grin fell off almost immediately.
My heart pounded in my chest, my pulse unsettled, but I forced myself to speak evenly.
"Esteemed elder with all due respect, the Lei clan and I can barely be said to have a relationship anymore," I said trying desperately to explain myself.
"They sold me to the Tangs, so I don't really think they'll ever even want me back."
I could not miss this opportunity, who knew if a chance like this ever came again?
This made him frown a bit, in disappointment almost?
"Little one, it does one a disservice to abandon his clan, to renounce his name, to act so pathetically and debase himself in front of his enemies to get what he wants."
Renounce my clan?
Act pathetically?
Debase myself?
How dare he?
A wave of cold rage washed over me. How dare he mock my suffering, accuse me of treason when I had been the one that had been abandoned. Been the one that had been sold. I gave them everything and when they were cornered they sold me out.
In a fit of anger that I did not think myself capable of I tore my mangled tunic off my body, turned around and displayed my back to Elder Lin my face burning red in shame. He looked at it, eyes opening just a fraction, unnoticeable unless one were observing closely.
"I never abandoned them." I hissed
"I never sold them out, I was their prisoner, their slave. This is what they did to me."
"Ah." He said simply. He took in the scars on my back, the silvery old slashes hidden beneath the fresh scabbed over ones. They snaked across my back like an angry nest of vipers, every twitch in my muscles sending them into a state of chaotic disarray.
"Lei Shin had always been a cruel child."
Hearing my uncle's name made me flinch, few were brave enough to call him anything but clan leader or something similarly differential to his face, but if the Elder noticed my reaction he said nothing.
He remained silent for a while, nothing but the sound of pitch dripping from the torches to fill the silence. We both remained like this for minutes, me standing before him, bare chest heaving up and down in mild panic.
Finally he looked at me.
"Child."
"Yes Elder."
"If I allow you to proceed."
"..."
"Do you have what it takes to do what needs to be done?"
"I do not understand Elder."
"There is a living demon in your heart, child, his mark upon you manifests physically. Until you exorcise him from your life you will never be at peace."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Your uncle, child. As long as he remains, you shall never know peace."
"Elder, are you trying to say?"
"Yes I am, do you have it in you to finish him?"
He asked me if I could kill him.
Kill that man.
That thing.
That demon.
And although the answer should have been easy, should have been simple, should have been a yes.
I hesitated.
And that moment was enough.
He closed his eyes once more and sighed.
"There is hate in your heart, but you aren't ready."
And I realised that…
He was right.
I hated that man so much, the man that ripped my back open, trapped me in that cage, trapped me in that cell, put a pen in my hand and made me write.
I hated him.
Oh how I hated him.
I needed to end him, but the thought of him terrified me. It made my muscles weak, my hands cramp into balls, my spine shriveled until I curled up into myself trying desperately to hide…
I needed to breathe.
I took a gulp of air, steadying myself.
He was right.
I wasn't ready.
Yet.
I would be one day.
One day I would have it in me to do what needs to be done. To confront him, to beat him, to remove him from my life. To extract from him every drop of blood he bled from me until there was nothing left but an empty husk. A shell of the parasite that drained my life from me. That took from me my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my friends…
My family…
But that day.
Was not today.
I couldn't do it today.
But at the very least I needed to get something out of this trip so I licked my dried out lips and decided to bite the blade and ask.
"Elder at the very least could you do this little one a single favor?"
"I suppose as long as it isn't too important I should be able to humor you."
"Can you please explain what cultivation is exactly?
This made him pause for a second. He looked at me blankly, almost debating whether or not he should answer my question. The gears turned in his head and eventually he reached a conclusion,
"Cultivation," he said slowly, each word measured and careful, "Is to take the energy of the world, and convert it into your own strength. There are 6 stages to this process and each stage is broken up into 4 realms: Initial, minor, major and peak."
"The first stage is the body tempering stage. At this stage a cultivator pulls the energy of the Earth, which we call Qi, towards his Dantian and distributes it to quite literally temper his body and get it ready for the later stages. One must take care to build a solid foundation at this stage, making sure each and every single fiber of their body is well tempered to make sure that it can handle the stresses that will be placed upon it eventually."
I nodded, listening intently, absorbing every single piece of information that came out the Elder's mouth. I had managed to reach the minor realm of Body Tempering using the clan's Azure Scale cultivation method before my crippling so I had a general understanding of what the process was like, but a master like Elder Lin?
His understanding was priceless.
"Next comes the Qi gathering stage. In this one cultivators now focus on their meridians, slowly but surely clearing out and strengthening them, widening them, enhancing them. Many cultivators only manage six with some of the more exceptional ones managing eight or nine. However, the prodigies, they go for all twelve. The wider and stronger your meridians are, the quicker you will be able to eventually absorb Qi.
"After that the Core- Formation, here cultivators simply compress their Dantian until it forms a small core, roughly the size of a pea. Simple in theory, difficult in practice, it is generally at this stage that one is able to manifest their Qi outwards, using it to form constructs and enhance their attacks."
I drank it all in, this was information no one had ever told me and the books I had could never have ever dreamed of elaborating on so succinctly.
"Then the Golden core, again, very simple in theory, one needs to simply refine their core, adding more Qi and condensing it until it turns golden, becoming many many times more powerful than their predecessors. Before this stage a strong Qi gathering cultivator could maybe take on a weaker Core formation fighter. But a Golden Core? Not even ten strong Core Formation elites could take one down. This is also usually the bottle neck for cultivators, many never advancing past this stage."
"But Elder, why?"
"That child…is very dangerous information to know"
I looked at him, confused.
"Dangerous? How could simply knowing something like that be dangerous?
He said nothing. He simply gave me a simple bemused look.
"Very well, what about the 5th and the 6th stages?"
"What about those stages?"
"Well what are they?"
"They are also dangerous."
I looked at him, slightly frustrated as I said.
"Elder with all due respect I know dangerous, I promise I can keep my mouth shut and handle…"
I was cut off mid sentence, by a gust of wind behind my back as a voice whispered in my ear.
"You have no clue what danger truly even is."
He was behind me.
How.
My breath hitched as I watched him, slowly step out from my shadows, and walk, step by step, in front of me.
A towering presence.
Looming
Threatening
Violence.
I couldn't breathe.
He was pressing on me.
Not physically.
But with just his very existence.
I wanted to stand up.
But
I needed air.
And he waved his hand, finally granting it to me.
I collapsed to my knees, spluttering, gasping, trying to draw in deep breaths.
"Like I said child, you are not ready and I have already spoken too much. For your own sake do not seek knowledge of the realms beyond the Golden Core outside the safety of these walls. You'll find that not everyone is as merciful as I am."
I looked up at him one last time, his eyes, cold and red, peeking through the thick white man that covered his wrinkled face glimmering with a hint of amusement.
One moment I was on all fours on the carpeted floor, strength leaving my limbs, as I collapsed on the hard dusty ground.
Ground.
I was outside the library.
Was it rejection…or mercy?