Simone, adorned in a fuzzy light pink robe, matching pink slippers, heart-shaped sunglasses, a feather boa, and holding something suspiciously fizzy, shuffled his camera as he started up his livestream.
"Welcome back, my beautiful disasters and heartbreak enthusiasts. This is your host, Simone Cook, the one and only expert in love, lust, and bad decisions." He gave a sassy wave of his free hand, "And yes, before you ask, I'm single. It's a lifestyle choice, not a cry for help."
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CHAT
omg he's live!!
THE KINGGGGG 👑
"not a cry for help" LMAO
show us the drink recipe bestie 💅
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Simone swirled his glass, "I call this baby a Heartbreak Spritzer, darlings. Ingredients are: sparkling water, three regrets, and the tears of my ex."
He used his foot to swivel his chair, taking a sip of whatever concoction was in his glass, "Anyway! Let's get into your tragic love lives. First question!"
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@sunnygal99
Simone, my boyfriend won't text me good morning anymore. Should I bring it up or just wait?
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Simone squinted at the screen before giving a dramatic swivel of his head, pushing his sunglasses down his nose, "Honey, if he can post an Instagram story at 8 a.m. but can't type 'good morning'... He's already ghosted you, he's just doing it in 4K."
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CHAT
💀💀💀
NOT IN 4K
He's right and he should say it louder
omg sunnygal RUN
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Simone swayed his hand, "My advice, dump him before breakfast. Make yourself the good morning text."
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@RaccoonRomeo
Simone, I've been talking to this girl for 6 months, and she still calls me 'bro.' Advice?
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"Oh, honey," Simone spun his chair, "You're not in the romance arc, you're in the tutorial stage." He flicked his glasses up over his eyes, taking a long sip before leaning back. "She's farming your emotional support points to upgrade someone else."
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CHAT
bro 💀
"tutorial stage" IM CRYING
not him being side quest energy 😭
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"Move on, king." Simone beamed, raising his glass, "Let her 'bro' someone else… Go find you a girl who calls you 'trouble.'"
Simone blinked, turning his head to his door as it cracked open.
"Simone, have you seen my charger?" Samantha grumbled.
Simone crossed his arms, dramatically turning his head, "Can't you see I'm saving relationships, Sam? Go charge your love life instead."
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CHAT
LMAOOOO
SAMANTHA JUMPSCARE
omg save her pls
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@crimsoncat23
My situationship of two years just told me he's 'not ready for commitment.' What should I do?
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"You've been in a situationship for TWO YEARS?!" Simone's face scrunched up, "Oh, baby, no. That's not a situationship, that's community service."
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CHAT
😭😭😭😭😭😭
community service i'm HOWLING
he's not wrong tho
bestie needs an intervention
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"Here's what you do, sweetheart: grab your self-worth, your cutest outfit, and a playlist that screams main character energy. Then go outside and touch some non-situationship grass." Simone leaned closer to the camera, whispering into the mic, "And if he ever says he 'misses you,' just say, 'You had the premium trial, baby. It expired.'"
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CHAT
NOT THE PREMIUM TRIAL 😭
he's dangerous for real
teach a class pls i beg u
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@starrymess
Simone, my girlfriend never posts me. Should I be worried?
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"If she posts her food but not you…" Simone lifted a finger, sipping his drink, "Then congratulations, you're dating an aesthetic, not a person."
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CHAT
💅💅💅💅
he said what he said
"dating an aesthetic" 💀
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"Darling, you deserve to be soft-launched at minimum." Simone rolled his head. "If her story still says, 'out with the girls' and you're one of them…" He slid his glasses down, staring into the camera, "Run."
Simone groaned as his door opened again, but it was Isabel standing on the frame with a face mask on.
"Are you still yelling at strangers on the internet?"
Simone's head snapped in her direction with a dramatic gasp. "I'm coaching hearts, Isabel. Coaching hearts."
"You're emotionally terrorizing them."
"It's called tough love with sequins."
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CHAT
LMFAO isabel has a point
"tough love with sequins" 💀💀💀
these two 💀
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"You're not wearing sequins…" Isabel leaned on his shoulder, looking at the chat, "They're eating this up, aren't they?"
"Of course they are." Simone whined, "I'm giving free therapy and free entertainment."
"You can't legally call this therapy."
"Then it's…" Simone paused for a moment before clapping his hands together. He slowly parted them and shook them towards her. "Emotional jazzercise."
Isabel raised her brows, shaking her head as she exited the room.
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@DramaDuck
"What's the best way to get your ex's attention after they ghost you?"
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"Post yourself looking flawless, caption it 'healing, but hotter.' Then mute their stories so your sanity heals before your ego."
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CHAT
"healing but hotter" PUT THAT ON A SHIRT
i need that tattooed
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Simone glanced up at the screen as a notification came across of a familiar face joining in. Kendra.
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@KendraB
"Simone please help, my boyfriend said 'you're like a sister to me' during an argument."
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"EXCUSE ME?! He did what?!" Simone yelled, nearly spilling his drink, "He compared you to family during a lovers' quarrel?! Girl!" He shook his head back and forth, "Pack your bags and your dignity!"
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CHAT
I SCREAMED 💀💀💀
that's worse than cheating
kendra runnnnn
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"There's no coming back from that." Simone muttered, "You can't romanticize sibling energy, babe! That's biblically incorrect!"
He took a moment, shaking his head while adjusting his glasses, "Alright, my tragic little love muffins, I think that's enough advice for one night." He dramatically lifted his glass. "Remember: hydrate, block your ex, and never trust a man who says, 'I'm not like other guys.' They're all like other guys."
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CHAT
💀 preachhh
"never trust a man" period
iconic as always king
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"This has been Simone's Dating Advice Hotline: where bad advice sounds fabulous. Until next time, stay delusional, stay hydrated, and for the love of mascara… don't text him first."
He blew a kiss at the camera, then frowned, staring at it, "Wait… is this still recording? How do I-"