November 7, 1980
The thing that sucks about being here is that it has the ability to lower your guard when you shouldn't be. From where I was before, it gave off this feeling that I should always keep myself because anything bad could happen there. That's how I always prepared myself for what happens next. However, here it makes you feel at home and makes you not think of how dangerous this place still is. I say this because today the games started up again. It seems like they took a week break before continuing the games. Guess they got tired of smelling dead bodies everywhere. Poor them, right? We did 9 rounds for each person. And I could tell most of the people there were nervous. It didn't help that they placed a table and two chairs in the middle of the room, so everyone could spectate the game as it played out; The only few that weren't nervous were me, Riley and Evelyn. Me and Riley have both become disensities to the game as well as killing people. Although Riley looked so depressed when he was up. He killed the guy he was up against easily but before the guard could say Riley won, he just got off the chair and walked off. I really don't blame him. Evelyn always looks calm, even if she's taking a life. From what I observed, she's very calculative with her shots. For a game all about chance, she sure knows when to point the gun to herself or to her foe. It's like she counts how many shots she has left before aiming the gun. She easily won that game. It was intimidating. Then there's me, and I don't find it hard to kill people in this game. I try to make it seem ok in my head by saying that these guys signed up for this and while they didn't know, they knew they were gonna get money out of this so they should have expected something like this. Then again I didn't know myself so maybe my logic isn't holding up like I want it to, but I have to find something to keep things somewhat justifiable. Hope did surprise me though. When she got up to the table, it was clear she knew what she was doing. She hated it and looked like she had a lot of anxiety doing it, but it seems like she's trained herself to hide that and focus up on the game. Although I could easily tell she was nervous. The other woman next to her didn't though and she clearly was afraid of what Hope could do and her fears were answered when Hope shot her in the head. Harrison went up too but I noticed something about him. He didn't look scared, but he was definitely not happy about the additional audience watching him play the game. I couldn't have been any happier about it though because now I get to see how he plays the game and that has been something I have been wanting to see for awhile. It's interesting the way he plays. He always shoots at himself on the third shot opposed to someone like Riley where he usually shoots on the third shot. It's very peculiar, but it's worked for him for a while and it worked on this guy as the guy was stumped by his way of play and was caught off guard before trying to copy Harrison which kills him off. By the end only 9 remained. Ever since the game, it's been quiet. Not overly quiet, but compared to how it used to be, it might as well be dead. I know everyone was contemplating what happened. I was with the group, laying down on my bed. I was just listening to Riley, Hope and Evelyn's conversation. They were mainly talking about their own guilt about pulling the trigger on their friends… Or well, Riley and Hope were. Evelyn was listening to how they felt and gave them advice. It's become the norm for her to be the therapist of the group. If there was anything that needed to be lifted off their chests, Riley and Hope would go to her for help. It always makes me wonder how she is able to deal with the constant venting and crying from these two. Luckily for me, I was about to get my answer with Evelyn's suggestion once she stood up and placed her hands on her hips.
"Say, instead of talking about the trauma the game has left us, let's talk about why we came here. I feel like we've been so engrossed in these games and stressed that we forgot why we came here in the first place." she said. I wasn't very ecstatic about it, but I didn't get much of a say as Evelyn pointed to me and called me over to sit with them. I declined her offer, but none of them were satisfied with my answer.
"Oh come on, Franklin. This could be good for you." Riley said. Hope nodded her head in agreement and added,
"Yeah, you always look so tense everyday, why not try and vent some of it out in this way. Even if it's a little bit." She was right, I was tense. Especially still with that fight with Harrison not too long ago. I took a deep breath and reluctantly sat next to them. Evelyn had put her hands together and had spoken with the softest voice,
"Alright, who would like to start?"
"Ooo, me!" she said, excitedly. Evelyn nodded and let Hope go tell her little story. Hope took a deep breath and explained,
"Well, I came here because originally I was told by my friend that this place gives money if you win a few games. I thought it was gonna be a fun time, and I really needed some time away from my family, but I learned too late how bad this place really is." Riley nodded in agreement and said
"Yeah, same here, except I was in debt and I needed money badly, so I came here for the possibility of financial aid." Evelyn nodded and gave a look of understanding.
"Don't worry, we've all been tricked into thinking we could get the chance to gain a fulfilling life. No harm in it." She then looked at me and it seemed like she wanted me to say something.
"I'm in debt, so my landlord said if I do this game and win, my debt is cleared. That's about it." I said. I will admit I didn't care for this therapy session of Evelyn's. For a while I've been against going to a real one because I don't think it helps at all. Like you're only talking to someone that thinks they know how you feel rather than actually understanding you. I don't see how that helps me, so I've just been adamant about going to them. My mother tried to get me to do it, but I told her I wouldn't. I know the reason why she wants me to go is to help cool down her own guilt of not protecting me when I was younger. I know it would help her a lot, but I'm not gonna force myself to only do this just for her and not me. I didn't even have the money to do so I was stuck on the wall enough already, but in any case, Evelyn nodded her head giving that usual soft smile she gave to anyone. Some of which melt men into puddles.
"Well, I'm glad you all have something in common that can help you all bond with one another. In this place we need to set common ground with each other so we don't feel alone in our own minds and we could have people to relate to." Evelyn said calmly.
"What about you, Evelyn? How did you get here?" Riley asked,
"Oh hm, well that's not really important." she said, very suspiciously if I may add. Hope crossed her arms and squinted. It didn't come off as anger and more of genuine concern for her best friend.
"No no no. Evelyn, you have to tell us. We told you why we are here and it isn't fair we get to speak while you don't!" she said. Riley and I looked at each other and nodded our heads in agreement. Evelyn looked reluctant to talk about her past which I found pretty ironic, but eventually she took a deep breath and nodded.
"Right, well if you must know… I'm here for a completely different reason compared to all of you." she said vaguely. It was like anticipating a jumpscare in a horror movie. She closed her eyes and took one more deep breath before continuing on,
"I'm here because originally I came from jail after I ended someone's life. It was a person I hated a lot. They always belittle me for everything and I never said anything to anyone about it because I was scared to. I eventually had a terrible idea to drug the person's drink and well… They died and I was sent off to jail."
If I were to say that nobody was shocked at this confession, I would be lying. For me, it wasn't the shock that I was hanging out with essentially a murder, but rather that Evelyn was an ex-prisoner who killed someone when the whole time I've known her, she's been the voice of reason for most people. It is just strange to hear death come out of her mouth like this.
"You've never told me about this. You usually tell me everything…" Hope said, sadly. Evelyn for once, had a look of remorse instead of the usual stoic look or smile.
"It wasn't an easy topic to just bring up out of the blue and I never knew how to talk about it without feeling like a monster." she explained. I silently nodded in agreement,
"That's fair, I mean you've probably been hiding a lot from us because you feel ashamed of the past, am I right?" I asked. Admittedly I was a bit snarky with it, but I just found it funny that she wanted me to open up when she couldn't do it herself. Although, I did regret being a bit snarky because the she followed up,
"I have. That's why I want you guys to open up. So that way you won't be like me." she said. The awkward silence between us all was loud, but clearly affected. Evelyn continued on,
"I know there's nothing for me out there. My parents passed away when I was 10 years old and what's left of my family… Choose not to talk to me. The only one who would come see me is my sister and whenever we talk I can't help but feel like she's nervous because she's afraid I might hurt her." I saw her slightly wince at just the mention of her sister. Her head went down to the ground before she spoke,
"If there's anything you could take away from anything I say, just remember. Don't be afraid to speak up when you need to talk about what's hurting you. Or else you'll do things that will have you regret ever doing them. Please…" Evelyn pleaded. Everyone was left speechless, absorbing her words and knowledge. It was weird, but at the same time it felt relieving in a way. The atmosphere around us felt open, like a fresh bit of air. Don't ask me why it felt that way, but what I can say is that those words had me thinking for a bit. What I knew or what I thought I knew felt like a lie. I haven't thought this hard before about my choices, so it was an overwhelming feeling that made me want to throw up.
"It's not completely over for you, Evelyn." Riley said, cutting the silence off short. He continued on,
"You still have us. Even if it may be for a little while. It's not all hopeless." Hope nodded in agreement and softly smiled,
"Youve showed us that you've changed for the better. With how you helped us through our pain." she said before coming over to Evelyn and giving her a hug.
"You can't change your past, but you can always change your future. Don't forget that, ok?" Hope said softly, the most composed she's ever been. Evelyn was silent, but a small smile appeared on her face and her eyes glossy as if tears could form.
"Of course. You have my word." she said as she nodded,
"Just promise me that you won't hide anything either. I hope this group is here to not judge each other and maybe. Just maybe, we'll all open up to each other." she asked. Everyone nodded and I reluctantly agreed. I don't know I was and still am pretty undecided of it all, if opening up would be easier or it would cause more shame to myself. I can't say for certain I could keep a promise like that, but only time will tell, right? I'll stay to myself, although Riley had asked me to come to the bathroom. I'm not sure why, so I'll just go to him. See what he wants. Hopefully it's not venting struggles, then again he already knows I'm not good at that stuff so most likely it's not that.