Chapter 32: I Will Accept You
Hikigaya never believed that a casual change could be called "growth."
In one day, or at most a few months, how could a person change drastically? It's not like they're Transformers.
If I could change just by wanting to, I wouldn't be the way I am now.
'Go change, am changing, must change, have changed.'
These are all lies.
You're wrong if you're not liked by everyone—why accept this statement so easily? Isn't there also the phrase "mob mentality?" Why deny your past self? Why can't you accept your present self? Why do you believe in your future self?
Just because you've experienced failure and pain, you think you've learned a lesson and that you definitely won't repeat your mistakes in a new environment—don't call that state growth.
If you're unwilling to admit to the self that can't compare to others or the self that was once awful, then who will accept you? If you can deny your past self, then why would you affirm your future self?
Do you think a person will change just by denying them and covering up a few strokes?
Hikigaya looked at the girl whose face was pale.
The game of make-believe ends here.
"To gain so-called approval, you constantly wear a false mask. You become satisfied and indulge in the current situation when others praise you. You're bound by the rules you created, always burdened by stress, desperately maintaining the persona you've built. Is this truly what you want?"
"What are you trying to say? Don't be so self-important. What do you even understand?!"
After having her dark side exposed, and then having her carefully woven lie seen through, revealing the deeply hidden secret in her heart, the girl could no longer endure it and practically screamed at the boy in front of her.
She really didn't want to do this and had considered starting fresh at the new school, but... even if it was fake, even if it was an image she deliberately put on, she didn't want it to be destroyed by anyone.
The blond girl clenched her fists, but a false, saccharine smile appeared on her face. She stared intently at Hikigaya, as if trying to memorize his appearance.
The girl's extremely gentle voice reached Hikigaya's ears, but the content was extremely dangerous: "I've decided... I'm going to get you expelled! I'm going to get both you, dead-fish
eyes, and that cold Horikita expelled! As long as the two of you who know about that incident are expelled, I can have a peaceful school life!"
"Leaving aside whether you can even manage that, suppose you really succeed in getting me and the Horikita-san you mentioned expelled. You still have to stay at this school for three years. How can you guarantee that more students who know your past won't be admitted to the school in the future?" Hikigaya gently sighed, completely blocking the girl's retreat by forcing the point.
Hikigaya's words were like the final straw, and the blond girl's psychological defenses finally crumbled, revealing an expression of despair.
She helplessly crouched down, buried her face between her knees and arms, and burst into tears: "I just wanted to be loved by everyone! Why... Why... Why..."
Looking at the girl collapsing and crying in front of him, Hikigaya quietly let out a breath.
'That's right, vent all the pressure and pain you've suppressed inside.'
Only by uncovering the scab and allowing the pus to flow out can the wound truly heal.
Hikigaya didn't offer any comfort, just stood quietly in place, allowing the girl to painfully and angrily vent her emotions.
It wasn't until the faint night settled over the lakeside that the girl's eyes were red from crying and her voice was hoarse. To prevent the girl from falling into a negative spiral of self-loathing, Hikigaya finally spoke.
"It's impossible for a person to be liked by everyone, but conversely, it's also impossible to be hated by everyone, right? Why are you afraid to say you don't want to change, that staying as you are is fine?
Life can never be relived.
The wrong process will only maintain the same answer. If you want to overturn it, you can only find a way to derive a new answer. So, I'll ask again, to find the correct answer."
Hearing Hikigaya's words, the blond girl gradually stopped crying and slowly stood up. Her originally cute and delicate face was now stained with tears, and she looked directly at Hikigaya with her wet, reddened eyes. But this time, Hikigaya did not look away.
"Show others your true self. Struggle to think and search, and find what you truly want to gain. And by then..."
'By then, the girl in front of me might also find a friend, a true friend, who can accept her other side.'
The girl wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her school uniform, looking at him with some hesitation, her voice slightly trembling, and her words somewhat fragmented: "If by then... I'm still, still hated and rejected by everyone?"
Having been pushed to her limit and after a long period of emotional catharsis, the girl in front of him seemed to have finally made up her mind to accept her past and no longer fear the dislike and rejection of others. Perhaps in the near future, she could truly bid farewell to her false self.
But the girl's words just now also made sense. He couldn't just assume that someone would definitely be willing to accept the girl's dark but genuine side. If, I say if. If by then, the girl who tried to change still couldn't gain approval...
"...If by then, no one else affirms your efforts and growth, then I will."
Hikigaya awkwardly forced a smile, responding clumsily.
"Well... now that you've said that, I'm not sure how to react. It's a little embarrassing, you know..."
The blond girl stared blankly at the dead-fish eyes with his hands in his pockets, her face slightly flushed.
"Ah, sorry. I unintentionally said what was on my mind. Forget what I just said."
"You suggested it yourself, so why are you saying that now..." Seeing Hikigaya's flustered appearance, the blond girl finally smiled gently: "I should be the one to apologize. I let you see me looking so shameful, and I said so many nasty things..."
She suddenly asked, "Can I know your name?"
Hearing this, Hikigaya suddenly realized—Oh right, even though the two had talked for so long, and even had intimate physical contact, they didn't know each other's names. Ah, damn it, thinking back to how he had once again spoken grandly in front of a stranger, Hikigaya's toes started continuously curling against the inside of his shoes.
Hikigaya awkwardly scratched his cheek with his finger: "Um, I'm Hikigaya Hachiman from Class A, first year."
"Hikigaya Hachiman, huh..." The blond girl looked up, showing the most sincere smile Hikigaya had seen from her since they met: "I'm Kushida Kikyo from Class D, first year. Please be kind to me from now on."
"Kushida Kikyo... huh?"
After exchanging contact information with Kushida Kikyo, Hikigaya uttered the name of the girl whose chest he had touched, filled with emotion.
"Hikigaya-kun." Kushida Kikyo, who hadn't walked far, suddenly turned back. "I'm really glad I was able to come to this school."
"Ah, I hope you have a good time at this school." Hearing this, Hikigaya gave a somewhat relieved smile.
"Also, I honestly did want to tell you my past at first, but it was just a little too embarrassing to tell a boy I just met my dark history, so I made up those lies."
"Huh?"
Seeing Hikigaya's astonished look, Kushida Kikyo smiled adorably like a little devil and walked away with light steps.
'Dead-fish eyes was right. I still have three years to spend at this school.'
Hikigaya, watching the girl leave, was about to walk toward the dormitory when he suddenly felt hunger spread throughout his body. It was only then that he realized he hadn't eaten dinner yet.
"F-First, I should eat..."
Hikigaya had dinner, then slowly walked back to the dormitory under the cover of night. The watery, cool breeze of early summer gently washed away the day's clamor and restlessness. The wind passed through the trees, casting swaying shadows. Walking down the quiet street lined with cherry trees on both sides, the rustling of the leaves spread around like raindrops falling on water.
He casually looked up and saw a faint star. Although it wasn't very bright, it lit up the way home like a warm lamp.
Back in the dormitory, Hikigaya, with nothing else to do, took out a few books he had borrowed from the library, intending to read to pass the time and distract himself from the black history flashbacks that were resurfacing.
He didn't know how long passed when the phone on his desk suddenly chimed with a message notification, pulling Hikigaya out of the story. He picked up his phone, lit up the screen, and the standby interface showed a solitary message from Kushida-san:
"Hikigaya-kun, good night."
Hikigaya looked at the time on his phone, then seriously looked at the text message. She was the first girl besides his sister to send him a goodnight text... He somehow couldn't quite grasp the reality of it.
"...Is it time to sleep already?"
Replying with a simple "Good night," Hikigaya got into bed after washing up. Staring at the ceiling of the room, he was silent for a moment. He suddenly raised his left hand and stared blankly at this hand he was already so accustomed to seeing.
"I should just go to sleep." To prevent himself from overthinking, Hikigaya reached out, turned off the light in the room, and closed his eyes.
However, after tossing and turning in bed for about half an hour, Hikigaya still couldn't fall asleep at all.
"I'm completely awake... Maybe I'll try counting sheep."
'One pair of breasts, two pairs of breasts, three pairs of breasts...'
For some reason, he was getting more and more awake...
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