I wish I could say I'm sorry for what I have just told my father.
But I am not.
That is the simple truth.
Honestly, I completely understand this man. He is someone with a lot of burdens on his shoulders, yet he has nearly nobody to rely on. Due to how he was raised, he is also very skeptical of any kind of assistance from others, so he pushes everyone away and refuses to acknowledge those trying to help him.
For example, he often dismisses my mother and even belittles the efforts that his children make to please him. In his eyes, none of these amounts to much.
He has been groomed to rely solely on himself… and that is likely due to his own parents.
Or rather, his mother.
However, despite recognizing all of this, I cannot help but resent him.
Why?
Because he hurt my sister. Because he harms my brother. Because he abuses my mother.
… Just like I did in my past life.
This man is just like I was in my past life. He is a perfect representation of who I do not want to be, and the mere fact that I constantly have to see his face makes me realize another damning truth.
I resent myself!
Perhaps even more than I do my father.
All the actions and inactions I committed remain with me as memories, so how can I easily let them go and forgive myself for them?
As much as I try to atone, it doesn't change the things I used to do.
The person I used to be.
'I can try my hardest to be a good brother to my siblings now, but what about the last decade? How did I treat them before now?' I sigh internally, feeling very moved by this realization. 'I have already wounded them. No matter what I do now, that doesn't change anything.'
But—
'Because I understand all of this, I can live a life without any self-righteousness or judgment.'
I know I am a sinner.
I have wronged too many people, and I have made many mistakes.
As such, I am not afraid to admit my faults. I know I will still make mistakes in the future because of my imperfections. I can not be an exemplary example to my siblings, no matter how hard I try.
I am not infallible.
I am but a man who has chosen to walk his own path in this world.
So… I will continue marching forward.
Even if my siblings one day resent me, and my parents completely turn their backs on me. As much as I want to right my wrongs and correct the mistakes of my past, I must remember that this desire only comes from a selfish place.
In actuality, I am just a selfish person seeking self-gratification and fulfillment.
What are regrets? Are they not personal things that one wishes they fulfilled at a certain point in time? All of my accumulated regrets currently drive my current actions, which means I am doing all of this for my sake.
None of this is selfless. I am not a hero, nor am I a monster.
I am only a man.
A man who desires to live his own life.
"I can't be like you, father," I tell my father with a knowing smile. "I can't bear the burden of the family like you do. I also can't, in good conscience, let my siblings do the same."
"So you'd rather watch our Household fall?" He arches his brow, his voice mildly hoarse.
"I never said that. I will protect the Household in my own way." It might be selfish, but I do not want to see the Aditi Household fall.
It is still all I have known my entire life. Its destruction will be too disadvantageous for me and my siblings, and it would certainly change too much regarding the future. None of those benefits me at all, so I can't allow it to happen.
"I will become a Scholar. I will become the Head of the Aditi Household, and I will use its resources to fuel my goals."
"What goal is that?"
"I don't know yet…" I laugh aloud. "I'm not sure what I'll do once I become a Scholar. There's a lot I am yet to figure out, to be honest."
"If you don't know, then where is this confidence coming from?"
"Just because I don't know where I'm going doesn't mean I don't know where I don't want to be."
My words cause my father to shift uncomfortably on his seat.
"I simply choose to move forward."
Silence takes over the room after I say this. I let the quietude add emphasis to my words, giving it an effect of absolute resolution.
But my father shakes his head in refusal of my logic.
"My brother… used to say those same words, Javier." My father has never spoken about his Uncle Damon before. He simply cut off all ties with him and would never communicate with Damon for reasons I already know.
However, I never got to hear the story from Luther Aditi's point of view.
"My father died in battle… when I was just a child. He left my pregnant mother and me behind in the Aditi Household. Our enemies multiplied almost overnight, and we were surrounded at every corner. I was too young to understand back then, but reality taught me. In this world… there is truly no one you can rely on. No one but your immediate family." My father becomes quiet for a while, a complicated expression forming on his face.
I let him have his moment.
Then—
"We had to fend off the Minor Families on our own. Our resources were limited, and the adversaries seemed immeasurable, but my mother found a way. She ventured deep into the world of politics and allied with as many people as possible, forfeiting benefits to ensure our security. At some point, I had to take on part of the load, and I gladly did so just to ensure my mother didn't carry it all by herself. I was half the age you were when you first picked up the sword, yet I was already deeply involved in family affairs. For years, the two of us strived hard for the Main Family's survival, recognizing we could only rely on one another. But…"
At this point, my father's expression turns dark.
His face is filled with undeniable anger, and he clenches his fist in pure resentment.
"… The only person who didn't seem to understand this was my younger brother, your uncle."
My father grits his teeth as his eyes glisten with frustration.
"He did nothing for the family! He constantly abandoned his duties, even getting in trouble constantly. My mother and I had to bail him out of many situations, but he kept making things worse for us. To achieve his selfish goals, he disregarded our financial situation and went around taking all kinds of loans, using our family name as a guarantee. Even the risk he took didn't pay off in the end, since he lost his scholarship after causing trouble and messing around in the Academy. He had to take on even more loans and ended up a Second-Rate Scholar." He rises to his feet at this point.
His breathing grows rougher, and his voice becomes much louder
"Okay, fine, you're a Second-Rate Scholar now… so why don't you get a job and finally contribute to your family? No way! Not my brother, Damon! He actually refused to give back to the same family that supported him his entire life and instead decided to bury himself in deep research, looking for mystical beings that do not exist." My father stares me hard in the eyes, anger completely oozing from his visage. "Is that the kind of person you look up to? The kind of man who abandons his family for the sake of his own goals? That's the man you will become if you don't stop what you are doing now."
"…."
"I'm warning you, Javier… don't be like my brother." His expression softens mid-sentence, and his glare vanishes.
He merely lets out a soft sigh and shakes his head.
"Even if it isn't for my sake, or for the sake of your brother and sister, or even for the sake of your mother… don't be like him for your sake. Look at your Uncle… what did he accomplish in the end? He lost the support of the only people who cared about him and were willing to support him, and now he is living a pitiful life in abject poverty, drowning in debt while ostracized by everyone in the Aditi Household. He does not have a single friend, and he has yet to settle down to make a family of his own. He is a completely pathetic and miserable man."
My father pauses and stares at me.
"Is that the kind of man you want to become, Javier?"
I cast my gaze away from him for a moment and take in his words with serious consideration.
'Now I understand better…' My eyes narrow as I stare back at my father. 'He had to shoulder all the burden for his family while Uncle Damon wanted nothing to do with it and simply went off to do whatever he liked.'
Thinking about it now, it reminds me of why I despised Craig so much in my past life.
When he died, I wasn't very saddened and even felt relieved that he didn't bring shame to the Aditi Household in his death. I told myself that his death was somehow honorable, and it made up for all his foolish actions in life.
It wasn't until much later that I realized how horrible… how terrible I was.
People are mere individuals in the end.
No matter how much responsibility they ought to bear, the utmost thing that should exist for every person is their own happiness. As someone who has died once, I can boldly say that nothing matters once a person dies. The Household moves on without you. Friends and family come and go.
Everything carries on with the world… but you are gone.
Perhaps certain people are fine with slaving away for others, burning away the embers of their life for the sake of friends, family, or even strangers.
These people could be generous at heart, or perhaps they seek to make a lasting legacy for future generations
But… I am not one of such people.
Neither is my Uncle.
We are simply men who recognize our own mortality and are trying to pursue our own happiness before we ultimately leave this world. Many may condemn this kind of thinking, since it leads to a selfish world and may ultimately result in the breakdown of society.
But I don't care.
I simply wish to live my life pursuing freedom.
If that makes me a sinner, so be it.
I will simply add it to the many sins I have already accrued in my past life.
"He ended up a pathetic and miserable man? Perhaps you're right, Father. I certainly don't want that for myself…" I smile, yet my face shows a look of absolute seriousness. "But do you know, father, that throughout the time I have seen Uncle Damon… he has never for once looked sad."
"W-what?"
"He may be a pitiful man with no money, friends, and family… but he is not without joy."
Of course, wealth is important.
Friends are very useful, and family remains a valuable support one should be able to rely on.
But… these aren't the most important things in a man's life.
At least, to me.
'When I died in my past life, I was surrounded by all manner of people. But they had no faces to me, in the end. I couldn't recognize any of them. That's because they didn't matter anymore… not to me.' I sigh and look at my disturbed father. 'Back then, the only thing that filled my mind was regret. I looked back at the past and wished I could return, to live differently.'
It showed me what matters most to me—to every person.
"It is time. How we spend every moment of our lives… how we spend our time."
That is the most important thing.
"Uncle Damon can be the most miserable person in the world, but if he spends his time doing what he wants to do, then he is also the most fulfilled person," I tell my father without an ounce of hesitation in my tone.
Then, I ask him one simple question.
"How have you been spending your time, father?"
He stares at me, speechless.
Not only is he unwilling to answer my question, but he finds himself unable to do so.
"When last did you spend it doing what you liked? Did you ever spend it the way you wanted? I am well aware that sacrifices are important, and without your sacrifice, I wouldn't have the privileges I currently enjoy. I probably wouldn't even be alive to say all these things to you. However, how you use your time is left to you, and how I use mine is left to me."
I won't judge my father for his past actions anymore.
I can only judge myself.
Everyone lives life on their own metric of time. Once their time runs out, they die, leaving the rest of the world to continue living in their own timeline. Since that is the case, how can I be too bothered with another man's past, present, or future?
The only one that matters is mine.
"That's probably why Uncle Damon did what he did, and that's why I'm doing what I am doing."
My father sighs for the umpteenth time, staring at me with sadness etched in his eyes.
He already knows, he can't stop me.
He can only speak.
"What changed you this much, Javier?" Whispers leak from his cracked lips. "When did you become such a person?"
My smile is constant, and I close my eyes as I respond.
"I simply had a long dream."
"A… dream?"
"In that dream, I lived exactly as you and Mother would have wanted. I also ensured Craig and Selicia did the same. But the only thing that awaited me was regret. I realized, at the end, that life wasn't at all what I wanted. Craig died in battle. Selicia killed herself in her husband's house. None of us had a good end… none of us were happy with how we used our time."
"But those are just dreams. This is reality."
I laugh at my father. He doesn't know that I just recounted what happened in my past life.
But I can't blame him.
"Reality is shaped by dreams, Father. You should go to bed now, it's getting late. I hope you can consider what I have said to you this night… and perhaps also have your own long dream."
I say this with all sincerity.
My father says nothing to me and leaves my room with a slow, burdened pace.
I can see that a lot of things are currently ongoing in his mind. He is questioning a lot, while also rejecting most of what I have just told him. I expect all of this, but I do not let myself become overly concerned by it.
'Don't worry, father. I don't think you made the wrong choice choosing to support your mother while forsaking your own happiness.'
Right. Wrong.
Who am I to decide these things regarding how someone else lives their life?
In the end, is it not up to the individual?
I am only a spectator watching them, but I will not be overly concerned with another person's life when I have mine to live.
Because…
… Time is running out.
'I will not be like my Uncle. Neither will I be like my father. I will simply be myself."