(Gilderoy Lockhart)
After sending off a very satisfied Andromeda, along with a thoroughly bewildered Tonks, who still looked like she expected someone to wake her from a particularly absurd dream, I made my way back toward the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
And to my mild surprise, the class was still intact.
More impressively, Hagrid had everything well in hand.
The students were gathered in a loose semicircle, watching with rapt attention as he explained something about Graphorn temperament, gesturing enthusiastically with hands the size of dinner plates while the smaller beast nuzzled his shoulder like an oversized dog.
I paused at a distance to observe and evaluate.
And, somewhat reluctantly, nodded in approval.
He was… honestly quite good at it.
There was a natural ease to the way he spoke, a genuine fondness for the creatures that translated into something the students could actually feel.
Hm.
Well.
I suppose not everyone requires dazzling charisma to command attention.
Some simply… earn it.
Curious.
I remained where I was, leaning lightly against a tree, allowing him to finish without interruption.
When the class was finally dismissed, the students filed away in clusters, buzzing with conversation, throwing occasional glances back at the Graphorns.
Hagrid turned, clearly pleased with himself, and nearly jumped out of his boots when he spotted me.
"Professor! Blimey, didn' see yeh there!"
I pushed off the tree and approached, smiling.
"Well done, Hagrid," I said. "You handled that quite admirably."
His beard shifted as he broke into a wide grin, a faint flush creeping into his cheeks.
"Ah, it weren' nothin', really. Just talkin' 'bout creatures, yeh know…"
"And doing so rather effectively," I added.
He ducked his head slightly, but the smile refused to leave his face.
Yes.
He was enjoying this.
Which is good, since he's supposed to replace me in a couple of years.
As we began walking back toward the castle, I clasped my hands behind my back, my mind returning, rather insistently at that, to my current predicament.
After a few steps, I spoke.
"You know, Hagrid," I began, tone casual, "I suddenly find myself in need of advice."
He glanced down at me, curious.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes," I continued. "And I find that such matters are often best discussed over a drink. What do you say we retire to your charming abode and… talk for a bit?"
At the mention of drinking, his entire expression brightened.
"Course, Professor! Got jus' the thing!"
Of course he did…
…
Hagrid's hut was, as always, warm, slightly cluttered, and smelled faintly of woodsmoke and something I chose not to identify too closely.
He moved with surprising enthusiasm, rummaging for a moment before producing an enormous bottle filled with a deep amber liquid.
"Homemade firewhisky," he announced proudly. "Got the recipe off an ol' chap down at the Hog's Head."
I eyed the bottle.
Then the bottle eyed me.
This was… concerning.
"Perfect," I said anyway, because I am nothing if not brave. "Go on, then."
He uncorked it, and the smell hit me like a Bludger to the face.
Strong, violent, and for some weird reason I had the impression it might be sentient.
I felt slightly dizzy just standing there.
Hagrid, meanwhile, seemed entirely unfazed as he poured.
And poured.
And poured.
The "glass" he handed me was… generous to say the least.
I stared at it for a moment. And then, summoning my courage, I lifted it.
"Well," I said, forcing a smile, "as they say… fortune favours the brave. To the brave."
"To the brave!" Hagrid echoed cheerfully and downed his drink in one go.
His cup, I noted, was roughly five times the size of mine.
I followed suit and the liquid burned its way down my throat like a controlled explosion, settling in my chest with alarming intensity.
Hagrid let out a satisfied belch and a small burst of flame flickered through his beard.
"Yes," I managed hoarsely, setting my empty glass down. "This is definitely a strong firewhisky."
To its credit, once the initial shock passed it was excellent.
Stronger than Ogden's, certainly.
But excellent nonetheless.
"That hit the spot," I added, regaining my composure.
Hagrid grinned, already refilling both our glasses.
"Right then, Professor," he said, settling into his chair, "what'd yeh need ter talk about? Don' worry, yeh can tell me anythin'. Me lips are sealed."
Ah.
Yes.
Hagrid and secrets.
A legendary combination.
Still, I had no intention of revealing anything that could not, in theory, become public knowledge in the very near future.
I lifted my refilled glass, swirling it slightly as I gathered my thoughts.
"Well," I began, "as you are no doubt aware, I recently asked Aurora to marry me."
"Course I am!" Hagrid said immediately. "Whole castle knows! Congratulations, Professor."
"Yes, thank you," I replied. "However…"
I paused, took a sip, and braced myself.
"…I have, just today, asked a second witch to marry me."
Hagrid blinked.
Then blinked again.
"…Yeh what?"
"And while that in itself is not the issue," I continued smoothly, "it does present a certain… complication."
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, clearly intrigued.
"Go on…"
"I have yet to ask Rosmerta," I said. "And she has been with me far longer than the others."
Hagrid scratched his beard thoughtfully.
"Ah…"
"Yes," I said. "So you see my dilemma."
He was quiet for a moment, thinking.
Then he poured us both another drink.
Because of course he did.
"Well…" he said slowly, "I don' know much 'bout women…"
Such a promising start…
"…but maybe," he continued, "yeh could… yeh know… marry her first?"
I froze with the glass halfway to my lips.
Marry her first…
Oh.
Oh, that was…
That was bloody brilliant!
I downed the rest of the firewhisky in one decisive motion and surged to my feet.
"That's it!" I declared, pointing at him. "Hagrid, you are a genius!"
He blinked up at me, startled.
"I am?"
"Yes!" I said, already pacing. "Of course! It is the perfect solution. Elegant. Fair. Symbolic!"
He scratched his head, looking both pleased and confused.
"Well… glad ter help, Professor, but… how's that fix everythin'?"
I waved a hand dismissively, my mind already racing ahead.
"My dear Hagrid, it does not fix everything," I said. "But it is an excellent start."
I stopped, turning back to him with a bright smile.
"Yes," I added. "An excellent start indeed."
Hagrid grinned, clearly happy just to be included.
"Reckon it sounds like a plan, then!"
"Oh, it is more than a plan," I said. "It is a strategy."
And a rather brilliant one, if I do say so myself.
And, as if the universe itself approved of my brilliance, Hagrid immediately reached for the bottle again.
"Gotta celebrate that, we do!" he said cheerfully, sloshing more of the dangerously potent firewhisky into our cups with absolutely no regard for moderation. "Can't be comin' up with genius plans like that an' not toastin' it!"
I watched the liquid pour with a mixture of pride and growing concern.
"Yes," I said, lifting my glass nonetheless. "Quite right. A momentous occasion."
"To… uh…" Hagrid paused, frowning in concentration. "To marryin' the right one first!"
I smiled.
"An excellent toast," I said. "To proper priorities."
We clinked glasses, and he downed his in one go, again.
Naturally, I followed suit, slightly less enthusiastically, but with my dignity intact.
The firewhisky burned even more fiercely this time, as though offended by my earlier survival.
Hagrid let out another satisfied belch, a brief flicker of flame dancing through his beard before vanishing.
"Yeh know, Professor," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "this is turnin' into a right interestin' day, innit?"
"Oh, I assure you," I replied, setting my glass down with deliberate care, "it is only going to become more interesting from here."
Because now I had a plan.
And, more importantly, I had momentum.
Hagrid beamed, entirely pleased with both himself and the situation.
"Reckon it'll all work out," he said confidently. "Things usually do, in the end."
I allowed myself a small, satisfied smile.
"Yes," I said. "They do."
Of course.
Whether that "working out" involved triumph, chaos, or something in between…
Remained to be seen.
…