You weren't born ashamed to feel.
You were taught which emotions to hide and which to reveal.
Told to 'calm down,' to 'toughen up,'
That some emotions were too heavy, too messy, too much.
But feelings don't fade just because they're denied.
What's buried inside still finds a way to survive.
So, what if feeling was never the flaw?
What if your emotions were never the enemy at all?
Marc Brackett
There are times in life when you are embarrassed to confront someone you care about, even though you don't need to feel ashamed. You think that you might have unintentionally walked into someone else's space, which might have belonged to someone else and where their presence could have brought happiness to someone else. But it's now yours due to a misunderstanding. You feel worse to consider that you don't belong there and that people might not value your presence, but if that other person were there, they would look better, and that's the thought that makes you feel even worse. It's not that you have an inferiority complex, you're content with who you are, but can't bear the idea of letting yourself not be satisfied in someone else's life.
As Hessah drove home with Aiden today, she sat in the car and watched the scene outside the window as it went by while reflecting on everything. She was experiencing the same emotions at the time, she was feeling as though she had taken someone else's place. She felt like a third wheeler, tucked between the Amirah and Aiden. On top of that, if it had not been about Amirah, some other would have been part of it, but whoever it is, she was not the proper fit for this spot because it belongs to someone else; but not her certainly.
But while pondering these thoughts, she forgot that who was she, as a human being, to determine her own and another person's position? Do we have the capability to choose our spot for ourselves as humans? No, we don't. We should try to accomplish something by working hard and never giving up and then let fate decide what we truly deserve. God; the giver of provision; he himself stated that he gives to those whom he desires and withholds from those whom he does not. If he gives someone something, they certainly deserve it; if he doesn't give them something, he gives them something even better as a reward.
"We've arrived." As he pulled to a stop in the Baig house's yard, Aiden said.
Immersed in her own thoughts, she glanced at him first, then at the front, and without saying anything to him, she opened the car's gate and came out.
"Are you not going to invite me?" After sliding down the window glass, Aiden leaned slightly toward the window and asked. His playful, smiling eyes were fixed on hers, obviously anticipating her reaction.
His question caused Hessah to pause just as she was about to enter the house. She guessed that Amirah was the reason he was asking to come. And basically, what he wanted to do was come and take a look at her. "That's up to you." She responded him without turning her face to look at him.
"Hold on."
She paused on his call again as soon as she took another step to enter, and this time she gave him a frustrated look.
After stepping out of the sedan, he approached her, leaned against the car, and gazed intensely into her two large black eyes.
Even after a long while, when he remained silent, she exclaimed angrily, "What? Why stopping me if you have nothing to say?
He chuckled at her expression and asked, "Are you going to maintain this behavior of yours with me the entire time, we goanna spend together?" as he took off his goggles and hung them over his grey polo shirts with the buttons open.
When she eventually made the decision to enter the house, she stopped moving in response to his query and said, "What do you mean by that?" in an absurd tone.
"Well, now that we have made the decision to remain together till the day we part ways, wouldn't it be preferable if we establish our relationship as friends? And while I am aware that I caused you harm in some respects, it was entirely unintended."
"Friends? Are you even aware of what a friend is?" She who was paying closely attention to him smirked when he mentioned the word "friend," then after returning to her expressionless face, closing the gap between and pushing herself closer to him, she stared into his deep black eyes that were already fixed on her, and went on, " Making a friend is something you do with the intention of keeping it throughout your life. Furthermore, Mr. Aiden Hameed, we both know that after we part ways, we will no longer be friends. Therefore, why would I be friends with you and belittle this innocent relationship?" Because it was difficult for her to tell the person who had harmed her, whether on purpose or accidentally, she took a minute to look into his eyes as though she wanted to express all she had been thinking about without saying a word. But she continued, "And as for your issue of hurting me, even if it wasn't your aim, you were the sole cause of my life's catastrophe. Do you have any idea what it was like to spend a significant amount of your valuable time with someone you don't like and who doesn't intend to have you? How does it feel to squander time trying to keep your reputation intact and avoid being a gossip?"
Aiden, who was staring into her eyes the entire time without blinking, could obviously see the agony there, which made him feel guilty again. He didn't know exactly how, but it was true that he was the cause of her suffering.
After regaining emotional control, she stepped back from him and repeated, "And only the heart can sense a person's true intention and accept it without blaming. But you know, this" she said, placing a finger on her brain to point out and continued, "The brain does not accept it; anytime it experiences a low point or a peak in agony, it places the blame on that individual. It only needs someone to blame for its misery; it never judges someone based on their intentions. And for that reason, my brain will always blame you, regardless of how much my heart believes you are innocent. Therefore, it would be better for us both if we spoke less to one another."
"I believe I can do something with this if it's mainly a brain issue. Because I am quite skilled at brain repair, you know." He spoke merely to lighten the atmosphere and ease her discomfort because she had been reminded of all the painful thoughts she had already experienced.
When she noticed that he was returning to his zone and started teasing her, she angrily said, "First, your brain needs to be repaired. Because your brain has been flawed from the beginning, which is why everything is so messed up; otherwise, it wouldn't have made the decision to marry someone based only on a single look at her."
"Really? What else should I have done, in your opinion, if I liked someone for marriage but shouldn't have put forth a straight proposal?"
He took a minute to wait for her answer, but when he discovered that she got nervous and confused by his query, he gave her a playful sidelong glance and remarked, "Don't tell me that you like that kind of stuff. That I should hang out with someone for a month or two, go to fancy restaurants for lunch, take long drives, and live together for a while before getting married. If I liked her at the time and tested her thoroughly, I'll decide to marry her; if not, I should break up with her."
"Wha...t do yo..u mean? I didn't say su..ch thing" His remarks made Hessah uncomfortable all of a sudden, and his seductively smiling eyes made matters worse.
"I didn't know that you like those things Mrs. By the way, I can still go out with you and enjoy that stuff; it's not too late. And who knows, maybe in this way I'll come to like you, and you'll fall for my charms which is obvious because I'm undoubtedly a handsome guy. Furthermore, as an upright person, I would rather go on a halal date."
He said running his fingers through his thick black hair while his stare lingered on her during his entire statement. His words and actions made it obvious that the whole scenario was intended just to make her feel more nervous than she already was.
His assumption and claim initially caused Hessah's mouth to open, but after a while, as he continued his foolish conversation, her cheek turned crimson with rage and nervousness. The fact that he describes himself as a handsome and decent guy bothered her. After spending those few days with Aiden Hameed, who knew his decency better than her?
"Aapi (Sister)?" At this voice, Hessah, who was about to speak to him, halted. It took her a time before she turned to see his only brother, Bari, who had always been there for her, and her sole support.
Bari rushed to her and gave her a firm embrace.
Pushed back at his action she laughed while putting her hand on his towering demeanor.
Although they had not been apart for very long, but because of her marriage and the state of the situation, Bari was concerned about her. However, he was unable to control himself when he saw her good.
"You doing fine?" He pulled himself away from a hug and questioned her.
"Hmm, I'm alright. You tell how everyone is? Abbu? Amirah? Tayi Jaan? How are they doing? And where are they?" When she answered, she inquired about everyone.
"Everyone is doing well. They have been waiting for you, so come on over." They both headed to the house, completely ignoring and forgetting the other person who had also been standing there the entire time.
........
"Bhabhi (sister-in-law)? Where are you?" She was roaming and searching her sister-in-law in the entire house, but she was not going to be found anywhere.
"Ahh! You know I have been searching you inside the whole time and you are here, at the garden."
Bisma Begum who was watering the plant, looked at her one and only cute sister-in-law who was sitting at the sole swing of this garden and smiling at her she asked, "And why you have searching me for?"
"Yes, I did recall. I was ecstatic when I walked into my ideal institution, you know. The sensation was exactly as I had pictured it. Additionally, there, I have my first friend, Cristy. That's her pet name, actually. The real name she goes by is Cristina Albert. Canada is where she's from. Although she had an Indian mother, her father was, you know, Canadian."
"Hold on, sweetheart, take a quick breath. You know you're saying this constantly, and in this way, you're going to run out of breath soon." She stopped her in the middle of her ongoing conversation of no break and added, "You can take your time, I am not going anywhere until I listen you completely."
After realizing how rushed she was, Zareen, who had been sharing with her sister-in-law, stopped and laughed. Although the relationship was in-law, they developed a kinship so deep that everyone who saw them believed they were sisters. Bisma Begum listened to whatever Zareen said without complaining, and she always shared everything with her.
After sharing everything she had seen and experienced, she finally took her final breath.
"I also had an encounter with an odd man, you know. He's completely bizarre. I'm not sure why he kept wanting to talk with me."
"A man?" Zareen, in her innocence, was unaware that Bisma Begum, who had been listening to her with a smile on her face, had abruptly stopped smiling and questioned in a scared tone.
"A weird man, more precisely." She answered with a frustrated expression, as though it reminded her of those two typical beaming eyes.
"Well, you know that type of man, so avoid them. With no reason, they attempt to be overly nice with girls. The more you can stay away from them, the better."
With a smile, Bisma Begum addressed her. But deep down, she knew how much she flinched at the mention of word man since she was aware of how she had persuaded her husband to let his sister to go to college and under what terms.
"Obvious. Why would I be speaking with some weirdo? Where is my little princess, by the way?" During her response, she inquired about Bisma Begum's 2 months old daughter. After observing her gesture toward her room, she eagerly stepped inside.
And Bisma Begum was left alone in the garden, with her thinking.
.......
Don't know how many years it had been for him, smoldering in the furnace of retaliation and hatred. Burning in this fire of vengeance, he had repeatedly looked for him and an opportunity, but each time he had been unsuccessful. However, he had now discovered both that individual and an opportunity. And he would now cause him to experience the same suffering that he had and inflicted the same wound on him.
"Please wait for me, my brother-in-law. I'll be dropping by with a unique present for your son. And I have no doubt that you will adore it." Then there were a hum of a load and an angry laugh that every brick in this mansion heard, witnessed and feared.
Vengeance
Truest of desires that slowly seep
In your very bones
It sits in deep
Evanescent content it does provide
A perennial regret
Its heavy price.
Tushar Kiran Moodgal