Breakfast in the Great Hall was usually a time of sleepy chewing and low murmurs, but this morning, the peace was shattered. The massive oak doors slammed shut with a deafening BOOM, startling the entire student body and causing several first years to drop their toast. All eyes turned to the entrance. Pressed against the wood, their backs straining to hold the doors closed, were the Marauders. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew looked terrified. Their faces were pale, their eyes wide, and they were panting as if they had just run a marathon.
"Keep it shut!" Sirius yelled, his voice cracking. "Whatever you do, don't let go!"
"I'm trying!" Peter squeaked, his feet slipping on the stone floor. "It's too strong!"
The Great Hall fell into a stunned silence. Students from Hogwarts, Durmstrang, and Beauxbatons stared in bewilderment.
Professor Dumbledore stood up from the high table, his expression one of mild concern. "Is there a problem, gentlemen?" he asked calmly, his voice carrying easily across the silent hall.
Peter opened his mouth, but only a stream of panicked gibberish came out. "Big... furry... angry... wheels... love... doom!"
James, sweating profusely, finally managed to gasp out a coherent sentence. "Everyone! Brace yourselves! It's happening!"
A murmur of confusion rippled through the hall. What was happening? An attack? A prank?
Before anyone could ask, the doors exploded open. The force was so great that the four Marauders were thrown aside like rag dolls, landing in a tangled heap on the floor. Through the open doorway, amidst a cloud of dust and debris, came the most bizarre sight anyone in the castle had ever witnessed. Riding atop a miniature, gilded chariot painted a garish pink was Shimmer the Demiguise. But this was not the Shimmer everyone knew. He wore a white silk diaper, a pair of fluffy white wings strapped to his back, and a curly blonde wig.
Pulling the chariot was a team of three snarling jackalopes, their antlers adorned with red ribbons. And mounted on the front of the chariot, gleaming menacingly in the morning light, was a custom-modified, semi-automatic crossbow with a rotating barrel. Shimmer let out a high-pitched battle cry, his invisible form shimmering into view for maximum impact. He revved the crossbow.
"RUN!" a Hufflepuff screamed.
Pandemonium broke out. Students dove under tables. Professors drew their wands. But Shimmer was faster. With a thwack-thwack-thwack that sounded like a rapid-fire woodpecker, he unleashed hell. The jackalopes tore around the room, leaping over benches and dodging hexes. Shimmer swiveled the turret, spraying the room with projectiles. People screamed, shielding their faces, bracing for the sting of arrows.
WHAP!
WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
Instead of pain, there was only the soft, heavy impact of paper. One by one, students lowered their arms to find themselves holding... giant white paper hearts. Each one was the size of a human head, stiff and unyielding. Shimmer circled the room once, twice, three times, his aim impeccable. WHAP! A Slytherin took one to the forehead. WHAP! A Beauxbatons student got one in the chest. WHAP! Even Karkaroff, trying to hide behind a pillar, got pegged squarely in the nose.
Finally, the firing stopped. The last white heart fluttered to the floor. The hall was silent again, save for the heavy breathing of the terrified students.
"Oh, thank Godric," a Gryffindor gasped, clutching his chest. "He ran out of ammo."
Shimmer, pausing only to adjust his wig, reached into a bag at his feet. With a menacing click-clack, he reloaded a new clip. This time, the hearts were red. The second wave was faster, more intense. Shimmer didn't spray and pray; he picked his targets. Thwack! Thwack! Red hearts flew through the air, hitting specific people with pinpoint accuracy. The first years. The Marauders (minus Remus). A Ravenclaw girl with misty eyes. Professor Cleen. The Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students.
"Incoming!" Sirius yelled, diving behind a bench, but a red heart curved magically in mid-air and smacked him on the back of the head.
Then, he reloaded again. Red hearts with frilly white lace edges. These were fired sparingly. Thwack! One for A few other professors at Hogwarts. Thwack! One ff the Veela. Thwack! One for Madame Maxime, who caught hers with one hand, looking surprised.
And finally, the last reload. Flowers. Not paper, but real, living tulips, grown into the shape of perfect hearts. Shimmer slowed down, guiding the chariot with one hand and firing with the other. Thwack. One for Frank Longbottom. Thwack. One for Alice. Thwack. Amos Diggory. Severus Snape (who looked horrified). Remus Lupin. Hagrid. Flitwick. Minerva McGonagall. Empusa. And finally, Lily Evans.
Shimmer stopped the chariot in the center of the hall. He stood up, bowed dramatically, and pulled a red envelope from his diaper. He tossed it onto the floor. It began to smoke.
"HELLO EVERYONE!" Echo's voice boomed from the Howler, magnified to deafening levels. "IF YOU'RE HEARING THIS, THEN THAT MEANS SHIMMER HAS SUCCESSFULLY SENT OUT MY HEART-SHAPED OBJECTS TO YOU THIS VALENTINE'S DAY!"
Professor Flitwick, holding his tulip, blinked. "Oh! That's why Mr. Potter said 'brace yourself'."
James, rubbing the back of his head where the red heart had hit him, sighed in relief. "I thought it was going to be rocks again. Remember last year?"
"NOW," the Howler continued, "I BET THAT YOU ALL HAVE NOTICED A THEME AMONG THE HEART-SHAPED OBJECTS. THAT THEY COME IN FOUR DISTINCT MANNERS: WHITE, RED, RED WITH WHITE FRILLS, AND FLOWERS. THE REASON FOR THIS IS TO SHOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYONE HERE AT HOGWARTS. SO THERE ARE NO MISGIVINGS ABOUT HOW I FEEL, CAUSE I SURE AS HELL KNOW HOW EVERY ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HERE FEELS ABOUT ME."
Professor McGonagall stood up, her face stern. "Mr. Echo!"
"AND JUST TO REMIND EVERYONE," the Howler interrupted smoothly, "THAT THIS IS A HOWLER, NOT ACTUALLY ME TALKING. SO I CAN'T ACTUALLY HEAR YOU IF YOU WERE SAYING ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY YOU, PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, WHO IS NO DOUBT TRYING TO SCOLD ME FOR SAYING THE WORD 'MOTHERFUCKER'."
McGonagall opened her mouth to scold the recording, then realized the futility of it. She snapped her mouth shut and sat back down, looking ruffled.
"THE WHITE HEARTS," Echo's voice explained, "MEAN I DON'T LIKE YOU. OR ACTIVELY DESPISE YOU. AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHICH YOU ARE, THEN WHATEVER PISSES YOU OFF MORE."
A ripple of indignation went through the hall. Almost every Hogwarts student was holding a white heart. Vanya and Igor looked down at theirs, confused but not expecting this. Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eye, quietly slipped his white heart under his plate before anyone could see.
"THE RED HEARTS ARE FOR PEOPLE I DON'T HATE BUT DON'T LIKE EITHER. YOU'RE KINDA MIDDLE OF THE ROAD."
Sirius looked at his red heart, then at James'. "Welp," he said, shrugging. "It sure beats rocks."
"I'll say," James agreed, grinning. "He's actually starting to warm up to us! Last year we were definitely in the 'despise' category."
"THE RED HEART WITH FRILLY WHITE EDGES MEANS I LOVE YOU," the Howler boomed, "BUT IN A CLEARLY PLATONIC AND OR PROFESSIONAL WAY."
Madame Maxime looked at her frilly heart and smiled. "How sweet," she murmured. "I will take it."
"FINALLY," the voice said, softening slightly, "THE FLOWERS SHAPED LIKE HEARTS GO OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHO I LIKE THE MOST. AND ONCE AGAIN, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, I MEAN IN A FULLY PLATONIC OR PROFESSIONAL WAY."
Remus stared at the tulip in his hands, a slow blush creeping up his neck.
"Hey!" Sirius complained, nudging him. "It's not fair! You got a flower, and we didn't!"
"Yeah!" James added, looking hurt. "We're the Marauders! We're a package deal!"
Peter looked at his red heart, then at Remus's flower. "Trade?" he asked hopefully.
"AND BEFORE ANYONE TRIES TO TRADE GIFTS," the Howler roared, "DON'T. I JINXED THE CARDS. IF THEY ARE EXCHANGED... WELL, I WANT ALL OF YOU TO KNOW HOW I FEEL. NO NOTES. AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THE JINX IS, THE CARDS TURN INTO BEES. THAT'S IT. JUST... BEES."
Peter slowly pulled his hand back.
"AND TWO MORE THINGS BEFORE I END HERE," Echo said. "BEFORE ANYONE TRIES TO GET BACK AT ME, OR THE PROFESSORS FIND ME TO HAVE A WORD, JUST KNOW THAT I AM CURRENTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE ENJOYING VALENTINE'S DAY WITH A VERY SPECIAL MERMAID."
Lily leaned over to Severus, grinning. "He's definitely doing mermaid smooching."
"YES, I AM DOING MERMAID SMOOCHING," the Howler confirmed.
Lily laughed. Severus just looked at the flower in his hand with a strange, unreadable expression.
"AND BEFORE ANYONE USES THAT SPELL TO FISH ME OUT OF THE WATER," the Howler continued, its voice dropping to a menacing whisper, "JUST KNOW I PUT A JINX ON MYSELF FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS. ANYONE WHO TRIES TO USE IT ON ME WILL FIND THEIR WANDS TURNED INTO SNAKES FOR TWO MINUTES. WHERE THEY WILL THEN TRY AND CRAWL UP YOUR BUTT. NO, I AM NOT KIDDING."
Suddenly, a piercing shriek echoed from the Slytherin table. A seventh-year student was frantically hopping on one foot, both hands clamped desperately behind him as if trying to hold his robes together. From beneath the hem of his cloak, the tail of a struggling black snake whipped back and forth. His wand was nowhere to be seen.
"AND I'M NOW GOING TO ASSUME SOMEONE TRIED TO USE THE SPELL," the Howler's voice cut through the chaos, sounding smug. "I MIGHT DO A LOT OF THINGS, BUT I DON'T LIE ABOUT MAGIC."
As the student was helped away by a horrified prefect (and a very amused Madam Pomfrey), the Howler cleared its throat loudly.
"AND FOR ONE LAST FINAL THING," it announced, "I HAVE A SPECIAL GIFT FOR A SPECIAL GIT... I MEAN, PERSON. GILDEROY LOCKHART, WILL YOU PLEASE COME TOWARD SHIMMER?"
Gilderoy Lockhart smoothed his perfectly styled blonde hair, flashed a dazzling, award-winning smile to his admirers, and swaggered elegantly up to the center of the hall where Shimmer and his war chariot waited. He looked confident, radiant, and utterly oblivious.
"OKAY," the Howler said as Lockhart posed next to the jackalopes. "I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU'RE STANDING THERE, SO I'LL JUST SAY THIS: FOR YOUR HAND IN TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME DURING THE THIRD OF THE FOUR TASKS WITH THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT..."
Lockhart's smile faltered slightly.
"...TO SIGN ME UP WITHOUT MY EXPRESS CONSENT TO ACT AS THE SOLE PERFORMER FOR THE MERFOLK," the Howler continued relentlessly, "OF WHICH HOGWARTS' OWN PERFORMING BAND GOT SICK, WHICH I'M 89% SURE WAS CAUSED BY YOU, BUT I HAVE NO PROOF BESIDES MY ASSUMPTIONS..."
A murmur of whispers swept through the Great Hall. Heads turned. Accusatory glares were shot in Lockhart's direction. Several professors, including Flitwick, narrowed their eyes at the Ravenclaw boy, who was now sweating visibly, his confident facade cracking like cheap plaster.
Lockhart let out a weak, nervous chuckle. "I... I assure you, it's all a misunderstanding! I merely saw talent where—"
"I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GIFT FOR YOU," the Howler interrupted loudly.
Shimmer reached into his bag. With a menacing clack-clack, he reloaded the crossbow with a new, heavy-looking clip.
"A BOUQUET OF PAIN," the Howler announced cheerfully.
Lockhart blinked, his smile returning tentatively. "Oh, that's nice! A bouquet... wait." His eyes widened. "Did he say pain?"
"HEART-SHAPED ROCKS," the Howler clarified. "AND AS A SHOW OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP, I'LL GIVE YOU TEN."
Lockhart froze. He looked at the loaded crossbow. He looked at the grinning Demiguise in the diaper. "Ten... what?"
"NINE," the Howler began to count down.
Lockhart looked around wildly. "Wait! You can't be serious! Professor! Anyone!"
"EIGHT," the Howler boomed.
Realization dawned on Lockhart. His composure was completely. He shrieked, hiked up his robes, and sprinted away from the chariot, his legs pumping furiously as he aimed for the safety of the Ravenclaw common room.
"SEVEN... SIX..." The Howler paused as Lockhart vaulted over the Hufflepuff table, scattering toast and juice everywhere. "OH, FORGET IT. THREE! TWO! ONE! GO! GO SHIMMER! KILL!"
Shimmer let out a gleeful squeak, snapped the reins, and the jackalopes surged forward. The chariot peeled out, drift-turning around the teacher's podium before roaring after the fleeing Lockhart.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"OW! MY HAIR! NOT THE FACE!" Lockhart's screams echoed down the corridor as he was pelted with heart-shaped stones.
"OH, AND HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO THE REST OF YOU!" the Howler added brightly.
With a final POP, the Howler exploded into red confetti. Shimmer blew a kiss to the crowd, snapped the reins, and the jackalopes tore out of the Great Hall, leaving behind a stunned, flower-holding, heart-clutching, and thoroughly bewildered school.
Frank leaned over to Amos, his voice hushed yet filled with awe and disbelief. "Did Echo just give the entirety of Hogwarts the biggest passive-aggressive 'fuck you' in history?"
Amos stared at the tulip in his hand, then at the chaos unfolding in the corridor as Lockhart continued to scream. A slow, fond smile spread across his face.
"That's our Echo," Amos said, shaking his head. "That's our Echo."