Every night I have this dream, of a girl who isn't reasonable, like me, but is so unfathomably sensible, to the point that her honesty makes her infallible.
However, the world is against us both for not conforming; against her more so than me.
Regardless of what I go through, I climb up a set of stairs knowing that she's been through worse and deserves to be protected, so I climb up to her in a hurry to save her.
Just before I reach her, my body freezes, I can't move, she trips at the top of the spiral staircase in the tower that leads to nowhere, and she begins to fall.
I am always haunted by the look on her face, not because of the pain she goes through, but because out of all the eyes I've looked at and look back at me, her eyes were just looking downwards to keep her balance, to stop herself from tripping.
That undeniable feeling of her 'self' being there, knowing she was real while the presence of others typically allude me since they (often) allude themselves, she was REAL, and I lost my chance to save the only other real person in this reality other than myself.
Being truly alone, that is horrifying.
I want to be alone WITH her, and I often end up thinking after waking up - sometimes ending the dream getting the strength to control my once frozen body to jump over the ledge after her -, I have the tendency to construct a plan that will guarantee me finding her in the real world.
However, she isn't real, I don't know why I dream about this girl since I don't know who she is, where she is, and under what circumstances would have us meet each other intentionally. It's not like I have her phone number to just start living our lives together, it's a matter of chance, and that's infuriating.
So, while I wait, I aim to become the type of person who will be satisfied no matter what does or does not happen, but honestly, it's pretty tough.
I hate artists. I hate all "-ists".
They want to be something they aren't or say that the depiction of something is that thing that they are depicting.
I'd say all the problems in this world come from those who think they can design a soul from a place of soullessness.
If I were to make a society, I'd make a distinction between an artist and an artisan.
I wouldn't say I'm as perfect as her, I'm no artisan, but I do aspire to become the real deal.
Of course I'm real, but having been an artist myself, like emporer Nero in 68AD who wanted to ressurrect his dead wife in the reshaped image of a 14 year old boy he found who happened to have the same eyes as her, I have committed the greatest crime of identity theft onto myself trying to become someone I'm not, but someone I undeniably once was.
In her, I see someone who IS that way, and it gives me hope that the real deal is something I can stumble across in the real world, not just a vivid dream, and I hope that that living reality will also be something I can share with her, alone WITH her.
I can't be one of these background characters I'm surrounded by the day I meet her, I hope to be perfect the day we meet, whatever her name or face may be, I want to make sure I'm the type of person to notice her immediately rather than project what I hope to see in a stranger to take on that role.
Forced empathy to be socialable with potential relationships without any of them being honest enough people themselves to ever hope to become a genuine companion. This is a disappointment I am well aquainted with, even with the fact that my own family who I trusted don't even trust themselves anymore, jaded and distracted by malevolence and ego.
I thought it reasonable to stick to those who I'm supposed to have rely on me, and me rely on them, certain roles are circumstantial so I may as well appreciate what I have like parents and a sibling.
But they are not here.
Just like in the dream I have, the world is against people like us the moment we are honest, because it's more 'reasonable' to not complain about being betrayed because it's rude enough for the wrong doers to willfully do evil as a means of defending themselves.
All I seek is not to ressurrect my walking dead family who betray me, but to actually find someone who is REAL.
No one who was once real is real anymore, NO ONE.
So… what do I do now?