"Old Man Sarutobi," Namikaze Raimon's voice was low and dangerous, his eyes narrowed to slits. "Are these your subordinates? Truly, the quality of Konoha's shinobi has fallen off a cliff."
A wave of bitter disappointment washed over him. This was the village he had fought for, bled for. And now, they didn't even recognize one of their own legendary heroes? If he hadn't been forced into a corner and "eliminated" by the joint forces of the Four Great Shinobi Villages during the last war, the title of Yondaime would never have been passed to his little brother Minato. He would have been the one on that Hokage Rock.
"All of you, stand down!" Hiruzen Sarutobi barked, his patience worn thinner than a senbon. Who trained this ANBU baka?! Can't he see the two legendary Hokage, brought back by a forbidden jutsu, were just bullied into voluntarily returning to the Pure Land? Does he have a death wish?
The ANBU in question, a man with a boar-shaped mask who was clearly not the sharpest kunai in the pouch, stood his ground, his voice filled with righteous fervor. "Sandaime-sama! Is this individual threatening you? Do not fear! We of Konoha, the strongest hidden village in the shinobi world, will not be cowed by a mere dead man!"
He then paused, tilting his head. "Although... now that I get a better look, this dead guy does bear a striking resemblance to the Yondaime-sama on the Hokage Monument..."
Hiruzen felt a profound desire to be swallowed by the earth. If you can't read the room, just shut up! I don't want my backside turned into a modern art installation! I'm not an Edo Tensei zombie—if he blows my butt off, it's not growing back!
Hearing the ANBU's words, the pieces finally clicked into place for Raimon. So, Minato had become the Fourth Hokage. And if he was dead... that likely meant that ungrateful student of his, Obito, was involved. A cold, mocking smirk spread across Raimon's face.
"Old Man Sarutobi, it seems your subordinate requires some... disciplinary correction," Raimon said, his tone deceptively light. "Allow me."
His hands moved in three swift, fluid seals.
"Doton: Nyōdō Kesseki no Jutsu! (Earth Release: Urethral Calculus Technique!)"
"Doton: Jinzō Kesseki no Jutsu! (Earth Release: Kidney Stone Jutsu!)"
"Suiton: Bōnyō Kōryū no Jutsu! (Water Release: Bladder Retention Technique!)"
Three waves of malicious, specialized chakra shot towards the oblivious ANBU. The boar-masked man, sensing the incoming attack, flashed away with a Body Flicker, reappearing a distance away. He quickly patted himself down.
"Hah! Nothing happened! I just... really have to pee all of a sudden," he declared, his confidence returning in a wave of foolish bravado.
With a whoosh, he reappeared behind Hiruzen, puffing out his chest. "Hokage-sama! His attacks are useless! I'll subdue him now!"
Hiruzen's eye twitched so violently he thought it might pop out. He desperately wanted to slap this idiot into next week. Deep breaths, Hiruzen. You are the Hokage. Do not murder your own ANBU in front of the entire village.
"Alright! That's enough, Old Man Sarutobi," Raimon announced, clapping his hands together as if dusting them off.
Hiruzen felt a wave of relief so powerful his knees almost buckled. "Good, good! We can talk this—"
His relief was cut short by Raimon's next words, which sent a fresh torrent of cold sweat down his back.
"I hope for your sake," Raimon said, his voice dropping to a menacing whisper that carried across the rooftop, "that you had no hand in whatever happened to Minato."
And with that, a flash of yellow. Namikaze Raimon was gone, leaving behind only the faint scent of ozone and a terrified Hokage.
"The audacity! How dare he speak to the Hokage that way!" the afflicted ANBU continued to complain, blissfully unaware of the world of pain that was brewing within his own body. "I'll go apprehend him at once!"
"Are you certain you're alright?" Hiruzen asked, a deep sense of foreboding settling in his gut. He knew the horror of Raimon's ninjutsu. He had made sure all records of their true effects were buried deep in the archives, known only to the grizzled veterans who had survived the Third War.
"Hokage-sama, I'm perfectly fine! I just really, really need to pee! I can't hold it anymore!" the ANBU insisted, now hunched over and clutching his lower abdomen.
"Disgraceful! Dismissed!" Hiruzen waved a hand in disgust.
The ANBU didn't need to be told twice. He flashed away, appearing near a secluded bush within the Chunin Exam arena's ruins. Fumbling with his belt, he muttered to himself, "Why was the Hokage so scared? That guy was all talk..."
The moment he tried to relieve himself, an agony beyond anything he had ever imagined erupted from his nether regions, coupled with a sharp, stabbing pain in his kidneys. It was a pain that made the Torture and Interrogation Force's methods feel like a gentle massage.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT HURTS! IT'S KILLING ME!"
The scream was blood-curdling. He collapsed to the ground, writhing, foaming at the mouth, as a dark, bloody liquid trickled from him.
Hiruzen, Kakashi, and Might Guy arrived in an instant. The Hokage looked down at the twitching, suffering ANBU, his face grim.
"As I feared," Hiruzen sighed, the wrinkles on his face deepening. "His techniques are as insidiously effective as ever."
"Might Guy! Take him to the Konoha Hospital immediately! And warn the medics... to be prepared for anything," Hiruzen ordered, his voice heavy.
As Guy scooped up the incapacitated ANBU with a look of horror, Hiruzen turned to Kakashi. "Kakashi... a word."
He knew the weight he was about to place on the Copy Ninja's shoulders. As Naruto's sensei, Kakashi was now Konoha's best—and perhaps only—hope for appeasing the storm that was Namikaze Raimon.
...
From the shadows, Danzo Shimura watched, his face a mask of cold fury. "Useless! That coward Orochimaru couldn't even finish the job!"
His plan had been perfect: let Orochimaru weaken or kill Hiruzen, then have Root sweep in to save the day and claim the Hokage seat. Now, it was all in shambles.
"Retreat!" Danzo commanded his hidden Root operatives. "And send a few teams to 'assist' with the cleanup. Make it look good."
"Hai, Danzo-sama!"
As his men vanished, Danzo smoothed his expression and stepped out of the shadows, approaching Hiruzen with a carefully crafted look of concern. "Hiruzen. The situation is dire. What is our course of action?"
Hiruzen's lip curled. "This is partly a mess of your own making, Danzo."
He was filled with a deep, bitter regret. If he hadn't allowed Danzo's influence, if he had treated Naruto with the care and respect the boy deserved as a hero's son, they wouldn't be facing this nightmare now.
"Heh~ Don't pretend you didn't share the same concerns," Danzo retorted, his voice a low sneer. "You wanted the Jinchuriki controlled just as much as I did. You simply lacked the stomach to do what was necessary."
Hiruzen ignored the barb. "What do you propose we do now?"
"What else? Mobilize the entire village! He is one man. I refuse to believe Konoha cannot subdue a single shinobi, no matter how... unorthodox his methods!" Danzo's hand drifted unconsciously to the bandages covering his right arm.
"Absolutely not!" Hiruzen shot back. With Raimon's mastery of the Flying Thunder God, a direct assault would be a fool's errand. He could simply leave, and then... then he would become a specter haunting every Konoha mission. What shinobi would dare leave the village gates if there was a chance of a "Kidney Stone Jutsu" ambush from a man who could appear anywhere, at any time? The village's economy would collapse overnight.
"Hmph! Your weakness will be your undoing, Hiruzen!" Danzo spat, turning on his heel. He knew his old rival was right, but he would never admit it.
"Danzo!" Hiruzen called out, a calculated sharpness in his tone. "Remember your place! I am the Hokage! Do not take any unilateral action!"
It was a deliberate provocation. By challenging Danzo's authority and ambition so directly, Hiruzen was all but guaranteeing that his old friend would do the exact opposite. Let Danzo make the first move against Raimon. It would be the perfect excuse to finally deal with him for good.
...
Having left the rooftop, Namikaze Raimon stood atop a high water tower, his sensory abilities stretching across the village. The chaos was easy to track. His eyes instantly locked onto a specific, familiar, and massive chakra signature amidst the smoke and dust.
"Oh? So the Ichibi is out to play," he mused, a smirk of contempt on his face. A nostalgic memory of the time he'd personally given the One-Tail a "drill" of its own during the last war flashed in his mind. "I should probably hurry."
With the Flying Thunder God, distance was meaningless. In the space between two heartbeats, his form dissolved into a yellow flash.
Whoosh...
He materialized directly beside a blond genin who was locked in a tense standoff with a sand-covered opponent.
Naruto Uzumaki spun around, his blue eyes wide with surprise and wariness, taking in the man who had appeared out of nowhere. There was something... familiar about him. He looked a bit like the face on the mountain.
"Who the hell are you, dattebayo?!" Naruto demanded, falling into a defensive stance.
The man smiled, a warm, genuine expression that reached his eyes. He pointed a thumb at his own chest.
"Me? I'm your father's elder brother."