"Hehehe~ Heh heh heh~"
Outside the wooden fence of a certain Konoha bathhouse, a white-haired figure in a red haori was crouched in a suspiciously perfect viewing spot. Jiraiya's single visible eye was pressed against a knothole in the wood, his other eye squeezed shut in concentration.
"Excellent… truly magnificent material!" he whispered fervently, his hand moving in a blur as he scribbled notes and quick sketches in a small, well-worn notebook.
Finally, after being trapped in the bureaucratic purgatory of the Hokage's office for what felt like an eternity, he was free! Free to pursue his true calling—the sacred gathering of inspiration for his next great literary work!
"That damn nuisance is finally out of the village," he muttered with glee, referring to a certain golden-haired chef. He'd heard about Naruto's "promotion" to acting Hokage and had promptly decided to take an indefinite research sabbatical. After all, Tsunade and Namikaze Raimon hadn't given him any orders to help the kid before they left. This was a loophole, and Jiraiya was a master of exploiting them.
"Hmm~ This scene has potential… the interplay of steam and shadow, the careless laughter…" He jotted down another poetic line.
"Ero-sennin!"
A hand clamped down on his shoulder.
Jiraiya flinched violently, his heart leaping into his throat. He whirled around, already preparing a defensive stance, only to see a mop of spiky yellow hair. It wasn't him. The tension drained from Jiraiya's body, replaced by mild irritation.
"Brat! I am Jiraiya-sama! One of the Legendary Sannin of Konoha! Show some respect!" he boomed, puffing out his chest. If it were Raimon calling him names, he'd grudgingly accept it. But this runt…
"Got it, Ero-sennin!" Naruto nodded seriously.
"Are you even listening?!" Jiraiya yelled, a vein pulsing on his forehead. What was it with the Namikaze bloodline? Only Minato had ever been a normal, respectful one!
"Hmph! Cut the crap!" Naruto jabbed a thumb at his own head. "Don't you see what I'm wearing?!"
He was, in fact, wearing the official Hokage's hat. The robe draped over his shoulders was a bit too large—a relic from the time of the Yondaime, Minato, which he'd "borrowed" from the Konoha archives.
"Tch~ Playing dress-up doesn't make you Hokage, kid," Jiraiya scoffed, turning back to the fence. Did this brat really think he could order him around? To drag him back to that paper-stuffed hellhole? Unless Tsunade and her monstrous boyfriend returned personally, it wasn't happening.
"Remember, kid. In the shinobi world, strength is the ultimate authority." He gave Naruto's shoulder a condescending pat and made to leave. His mood was ruined here anyway; time to scout a new location.
"Halt! You think I won't have Konoha put a bounty on your head?!" Naruto shouted, puffing out his chest. He was the Hokage! He could issue bounties!
Jiraiya paused, looking back with an amused smirk. "On me? On what grounds? And do you really think Shizune would let such a ridiculous order go through?"
He knew there had to be an adult minding the store. Naruto's "reign" was strictly for experience points.
Seeing Jiraiya's utter lack of fear, Naruto switched tactics. Bribery it was!
"It's just 'material,' right?" Naruto said, affecting a worldly tone. "Help this Hokage-sama with the paperwork, and I'll authorize you to gather 'material' to your heart's content! Official permission!"
"You?!" Jiraiya looked the scrawny, pre-teen boy up and down with profound skepticism. "A little shrimp whose voice hasn't even finished changing? What could you possibly know about true artistic inspiration?!"
"Hah! You dare look down on the Hokage?!" Naruto's hands flew into a familiar series of seals. Jiraiya just crossed his arms, watching with bored disinterest.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
Poof! Poof! Poof!
Ten Naruto clones appeared in puffs of smoke.
"Oh? The Multiple Shadow Clone Technique? You think a few copies will be enough to handle me?" Jiraiya's face was a mask of utter disdain. He could take on ten Narutos before breakfast.
"Henge no Jutsu: Oiroke no Jutsu!" The clones and the original cried out in unison.
POOF!
Where ten Narutos stood, there were now ten stunning, completely unique women, each striking a provocative pose. They wore everything from nurse outfits to kunoichi gear, all holding suspiciously phallic-looking… tubes.
FWOOOOOSH!
A geyser of blood erupted from Jiraiya's nose with enough force to stain his goatee. His eyes turned to hearts. "M-Material! P-Perfect, divine material!"
Seeing the legendary Sannin brought to his knees—or rather, to a nosebleed—just like old man Sarutobi, Naruto smirked in triumph. He dispelled the clones, leaving only his original, slightly smug self. Jiraiya's hungry, devastated gaze as the visions vanished was deeply satisfying.
"N-No! Wait! Let me write it down!" Jiraiya fumbled for his notebook, but it was too late.
"So? What do you say, Ero-sennin? Work with this Hokage, and the benefits will be endless!" Naruto was confident he had him hooked.
Jiraiya wiped the blood from his nose, a brief internal war raging. The material was excellent… but… "Hn. Your… offerings have merit, boy. But I am a free spirit! The wind cannot be caged by paperwork!"
He valued his freedom more than even the rarest bathhouse sighting. A day in that office could kill a man's creative drive forever!
"Ero-sennin, you're refusing a toast only to be forced to drink a forfeit!" Naruto's expression darkened. Today, he would capture Jiraiya and drag him back to that desk, no matter what! The very thought of the untouched document mountain made his brain throb. Jiraiya was coming back to work!
"Kid, what exactly do you think you can do to me? Nya nya nya~" Jiraiya stuck out his tongue. If he couldn't handle one snot-nosed jinchūriki, he might as well retire and get a desk job at the mission assignment desk.
"Heh heh~"
Naruto's sinister chuckle sent a faint, inexplicable chill down Jiraiya's spine. It reminded him uncomfortably of someone else.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!
Not ten, not fifty, but three hundred Narutos materialized, surrounding Jiraiya in a dense, orange-and-blue wall.
"Heh~ Still the Shadow Clone trick?" Jiraiya scoffed, though his eyes narrowed slightly. That was a lot of chakra. "Fine. Not here. That clearing in Training Ground 44 will do!"
He couldn't risk property damage in the village. If he so much as scratched a bathhouse wall, Tsunade and Raimon would have his head—or worse, other parts of his anatomy. He had no desire to experience the "Drill" or end up clutching his lower back in eternal regret like Hiruzen.
Jiraiya took off at a brisk shunshin-enhanced run, the army of three hundred Narutos thundering after him like an angry, blond tsunami.
****
Outskirts Forest, Training Ground 44.
"This will suffice!" Jiraiya skidded to a halt in a large clearing, turning to face the pursuing horde. Time to teach this upstart the pecking order. The Legendary Sannin were not to be trifled with by children, even peculiarly durable ones.
Seeing the open space, Naruto grinned. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
BOOOOOOM!
The very air seemed to vibrate. One thousand? Two thousand? It was a sea of orange. Three thousand Naruto clones now filled the clearing and spilled into the trees, encircling Jiraiya in three dense, impenetrable rings.
Jiraiya's eyebrows shot up. "The Uzumaki vitality… or is he tapping into the Kyūbi's chakra?!" Even he couldn't produce this many stable clones. But numbers alone didn't win battles against a master.
He clapped his hands together, slamming them onto the ground. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"
A massive puff of smoke revealed not the irascible Gamabunta, but the more cautious and dutiful Gamaken, the giant toad with a shield and sword.
"Jiraiya, is our opponent… this horde of yellow-haired children?" Gamaken's hand rested on the pommel of his gigantic blade, his voice a rumbling bass.
"Just subdue them, Gamaken! No killing blows!" Jiraiya ordered, landing on the toad's head.
"Heh! Just a big frog!" The chorus of three thousand Narutos dismissed the summon with terrifying unison.
Naruto's main body grinned.
"Now, let's show you my original ninjutsu!" His hands moved, not into a standard Rasengan form, but into a familiar, winding pattern that made Jiraiya's blood run cold.
"Fūton: Rasengan Hiden—Hōgyoku no Gyokuza, Sanzennen Sōkōheki!"(Wind Release: Rasengan Secret Art—Sea Urchin Throne, Three-Thousand Deaths from All Directions!)
In the hands of every single clone, a pale green sphere of chakra coalesced. But it wasn't a smooth Rasengan. It was a bristling, vibrating, horrifying sphere covered in dozens of rapidly spinning, wind-chakra-enhanced spikes—a perfect replica of Raimon's infamous "Sea Urchin" technique.
"Kuso! What in the hell has Raimon been teaching this kid?!" Jiraiya felt his buttocks clench in sympathetic terror. The sight of three thousand drill-headed spheres was the stuff of nightmares.
"Thank every god the Hiraishin isn't easy to learn…" he muttered, a cold sweat breaking out. If Naruto could teleport with these… it would be an apocalyptic violation.
"Gamaken! Forward!" Jiraiya commanded from his perch.
With a roar, the three thousand Narutos charged. It was a chaotic, terrifyingly coordinated assault. Some came head-on. Some erupted from underground tunnels. Some swung down from the trees. Their unified, unspoken objective was clear to anyone who knew their teacher: Aim for the butt!
"Damn it! It's like poking a beehive made of mini-Raimons!" Jiraiya barked orders, and Gamaken swung his massive shield and sword, dispelling clones by the dozen. But they were endless. One wave was crushed, another instantly replaced it. The sheer, relentless pressure was overwhelming.
In a moment of distraction—a cluster of clones feinting high—a squad of a dozen underground Narutos burst from the earth directly beneath Gamaken's rear.
ZZZZZRRRRT—THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
A dozen buzzing, spiked Sea Urchin Rasengans connected simultaneously with the giant toad's vulnerable backside.
"GWAOOOOOOOORGH!!!"
Gamaken's agonized bellow shook the forest. The Wind Release chakra embedded in the spikes detonated internally. With a sound that was both wet and catastrophic, the poor toad's hindquarters erupted in a puff of smoke and dissipating chakra. Critically and hilariously wounded, Gamaken vanished in a massive puff of reverse-summoning smoke, returning to the depths of Mount Myōboku.
"Wha—GYAH!" Jiraiya, now without his platform, plummeted to the forest floor.
He looked up. The sky was blotted out. Hundreds, then thousands of Naruto clones descended upon him from every angle, their faces set in determined grins, their spiked Rasengans humming with malicious intent. They were a golden avalanche of pointy doom, and every single one was aimed at the same, terrifyingly specific target.
The blood drained from Jiraiya's face. The fearless Sannin, the great Toad Sage, felt a primal, soul-deep fear he hadn't experienced since running from a young Tsunade's fists.
He threw his hands into the air, his voice cracking with sheer, undignified panic.
"I SURRENDER! I YIELD!"
The horde paused, but only for a second, continuing its inexorable descent.
"STOP! NO! DON'T!"
"PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOO—!!!"