Zero Langham
The walk back to Celestia Academy was quieter than I expected.
The sun had begun sinking behind the buildings of Gotarum, painting the sky in shades of orange and red as the last traces of daylight reflected against the windows surrounding us. The streets were still busy with merchants returning to their stalls and civilians discussing the afternoon's events, but compared to the chaos we'd just left behind, the city felt almost peaceful.
Julius walked several steps ahead of us, occasionally glancing over his shoulder to make sure the rest of us were following. Gia now walked beside him, while Toho walked with his hands behind his head, staring up at the sky.
I walked beside Terra.
For several minutes, neither of us said anything.
My body was beginning to feel the consequences. The pain in my legs had settled into a dull ache, and every few steps I could feel the lingering soreness throughout my muscles. Toho wasn't looking much better. He hadn't complained once, but the way he occasionally rubbed his eyes told me how much using Future Sight had drained him. I doubted he could barely make out what was a couple of feet ahead of him. His use of Future Sight disrupts and temporarily damages his vision.
I looked ahead at Julius and Gia. Everyone was tired, yet we won. That thought should have made me happier; however, Terra's words from earlier kept replaying in my head.
"I think I regret what I did today."
My first thought at her confession was simple:
Girl, what? I thought to myself, in an automatic tone of sass. I held back on letting the thought out of my mouth audibly.
She had been quiet ever since we left the marketplace. Her silver hair moved gently in the evening breeze, and her eyes remained fixed ahead of us.
Eventually, I couldn't hold my curiosity anymore.
"You really regret it?"
Terra slowed slightly, her face tilting to look at me.
"What?"
"Chasing Scarface."
Her expression changed almost imperceptibly. She lowered her gaze toward the road before answering.
"Yes."
There wasn't any hesitation in her response.
I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. I decided to pry into it:
"What about it?" I asked.
Terra took a slow breath, stopping briefly to let the others get further ahead of us. She began walking again.
"I don't regret stopping him; I regret that stopping him was what I cared about most," she said.
I continued walking alongside her after her stop. My hands clasped behind my back. Before I questioned her further, she spoke again.
"When everyone started running, and the thieves began using the children, I saw what was happening. I knew they needed help. But when Scarface started leaving..." She shook her head. "I stopped thinking about everything else."
Her voice was quiet, but there was something unusually serious beneath it.
"I thought about the mission. We were supposed to stop the thieves and capture their leader. He was getting away, and I thought that if I let him escape, we'd fail.
"So I followed him. I didn't think about you, or Toho, or-or Julius and Gia," she continued. "I knew you were injured. You've pushed yourself considerably during the fight, plus your previous injuries. Toho had been using Future Sight over and over again, and I knew his vision was getting worse. Julius and Gia were already trying to control the rest of the thieves and protect the children.
"Yet, I still left."
Her words carried more weight than I expected. "I told myself that I was helping the team because I was going after the strongest enemy. But when I think about it now, I don't know if that's true."
She finally turned toward me.
"I think I just wanted to finish the mission."
I didn't know what to say, so I stood there blankly. Terra looked away again.
"I should have stayed.
"I should have stayed with all of you. I should have helped you get those children away from the thieves. I should have made sure you weren't trying to protect them while injured. I should have made sure Toho wasn't pushing himself past what he could handle. I should have been there for Julius and Gia, and all of you."
She clenched one of her hands.
"Instead, I saw Scarface run and thought, That's my job."
The breeze passed between us. I watched her carefully.
There was shame in her expression alongside something deeper. Shame and disappointment.
"I caught him," she said. "I know that. I stopped him, and I rescued two children afterward. Everyone keeps telling me that I did a good job."
She gave a faint smile.
"But I don't feel like I did."
"How come?" I asked, curiously. Her performance was the reason I envied her today.
"Because those children weren't my first priority," Her answer came immediately. "I rescued two children, yes. However, I didn't know that I was going to encounter those two. It was by luck that I ran into them and rescued them. That's all it was today, luck...
"On the off chance the two thieves took those children and ran a different direction, then I would have never found them. I would have caught Scarface, at the expense of two kids' lives."
"That's what bothers me." She glanced over at me, then looked down. Her vision became more blurry. "I want to be the kind of Sorcerer who sees someone in danger and thinks about them first."
Her eyes slowly lifted toward the setting sun; she wiped her eyes with her forearm.
"I don't want saving people to be something that happens because I happened to be fighting an enemy. I want saving them to be the reason I act." Something inside me tightened. Terra continued, "I don't know if I've always thought that way. Maybe I have. Maybe I just never had to really think about it before today."
She gave a quiet, self-deprecating laugh.
"I've spent so much time thinking about what makes someone a good Sorcerer. The answer I always came to was strength. Being able to defeat someone stronger than yourself." Her expression became more serious. "But today made me realize that none of those things matter if I forget why we're fighting in the first place."
I stared ahead at the road, watching our teammates far ahead of us.
For most of my life, strength was one of the things that I only cared about. I wanted to become the strongest Sorcerer. I wanted to become a Superior. I wanted to surpass Seraphis. I wanted to prove my family name and my race as a Kuro.
I thought of every fight as another opportunity to test myself. Every opponent was another measurement of how far I had come. Even during this mission, part of me had been thinking about Scarface that way.
But then the children appeared, and suddenly, none of that mattered.
I remembered standing in the middle of the street, watching Scarface walk away while the children were thrown into danger.
I remembered how badly I wanted to chase him. I remembered how difficult it was to turn away.
Anytime I've fought, I may have unknowingly saved a life and never dwelled on it because I was pursuing strength. During and after my conversation with Professor Ruhtra, I became scared of the possibility that I could have cost a life during a fight because I didn't stop to think about saving people.
Simply telling Professor Ruhtra that I was the Sorcerer who saved lives didn't actually make me one. Choosing that path mid-battle made me believe I had finally figured myself out, and I actually became the type of Sorcerer I wanted to be!
However, that conversation made me more simple-minded. I thought it would only be possible to do one or the other: save lives or chase the enemy.
But now Terra was standing beside me, telling me she wanted to become the same kind of Sorcerer that I had picked, yet she accomplished what I couldn't, making me rethink everything.
I suddenly didn't feel so proud of myself. It was partially due to some jealousy that Terra did what I couldn't. But it was also confusion.
It made me rethink the two types of Sorcerers that Professor Ruhtra proposed to me. Perhaps it was possible to be a mix of both!
Another thought arose inside of me. Whenever I become a ranked Sorcerer, I wouldn't get very high in ranking if I continued only saving lives and letting every enemy go. Plus, Professor Ruhtra did say those enemies that were let off could go on to commit more crimes.
I was in a very mixed conflict. To put aside my ideals and reach my goal meant possibly having to go down the route of a Sorcerer who protects society and chases after the enemy before saving a life. My ideals didn't allow for that because I wanted to become the opposite type.
I shook my head, gritting my teeth. Terra snapped her head to glance at me at the noise of my teeth. I focused on the topic at hand.
Terra didn't know how difficult that decision had been for me. The decision to stay behind and not chase Scarface. She looked at me and saw someone who had simply stayed behind to help. She didn't know that I had wanted to chase Scarface. She didn't know how badly I wanted to prove myself against him. She didn't know that choosing the children had been a decision I'd never made before.
"You did both, though," I asked, despite her already acknowledging that.
"I know, and I already told you that I lucked out. It was by chance that the thieves with those children ran the same direction I was coming back from with Scarface. Next time, I might not get that lucky. Next time, I want to prioritize lives first. Hell, I didn't even follow the mission parameters, considering that Johan mainly wanted us to work as a team, and I failed at that too when I chased him!" Terra spoke out in frustration.
She took a moment to catch her breath, calming herself down. I glanced over at her, moving closer and deciding to gently grab her shoulder. I didn't know how to comfort her, considering I'm in a similar predicament.
Terra regretted her decision to chase after Scarface because it wasn't true to her morals. I didn't regret my decision, at first, to stay and rescue the children because it was according to my morals. However, after she accomplished both things that I thought weren't possible, she's made me rethink my situation and whether the types of Sorcerers are only limited to the two that Professor Ruhtra taught me.
If I could become strong enough, then maybe I could become a type of Sorcerer that could do both, save lives and chase the enemy! Terra chalked it up to luck and a one-time thing; however, strength may be the key to doing both consistently. She may be right that this one time was due to her luck. But with strength, you could become a Sorcerer that Professor Ruhtra doesn't think is possible!
Deep in my thoughts, Terra's voice cut through once again.
"This mission wasn't easy," she said, "but compared to what we'll eventually face as Sorcerers, it was probably nothing. That's why it's important I decide who I want to be before I become an official Sorcerer."
She looked toward the distant Academy, which came into view.
"Zero, you made the right choice today. I want to be strong enough to do what you did..."
I almost laughed at her idolization of me. If only she knew the turmoil going on inside me right now.
I decided not to tell her yet about my thoughts and the types of Sorcerers I've figured out. Only once I've confirmed everything, I'd tell her.
"We're going to face enemies who are much stronger than Scarface. There will be situations where civilians aren't conveniently separated from the fight. There will be situations where someone is holding people hostage, or the million other different types of scenarios," Terra's voice grew louder as she expressed herself.
"I want to save everyone," She gave a small, almost embarrassed smile. "Even at the expense of a criminal getting away...
She walked ahead of me, turning around to block my path. She planted her feet firmly, her hands clasped in front of her. Strands of her hair curled around her chin from the side, and the rest was tied into a bun. She made her stand:
"That's the Sorcerer I want to be!'