Nyxara
🕯️ Content Warning: This chapter contains discussion and reflection on past suicide (non-graphic), emotional neglect, familial pressure, and grief related to self-harm. Please take care while reading.
I took a sip of my current favorite drink, Papa's draught. I loved how it eased my aches and pains. Settling more into the chair, I flipped to the page in my notebook with my questions. As I tried to decide which one to ask first, Keir threw a cloth napkin at me with enough force to feel like a firm tap.
Rubbing my forehead, I glared at him. He is smiling so brightly that it would appear happy-go-lucky on someone else but he just looks smug. "Skills, dragonfly. It takes skills to give the napkin just enough force to achieve the desired effect. You will build these types of skills during training. You are going to love training with me." He winks at me as he throws what looks like goldfish crackers into his mouth.
"Now that you're out of your head, what would you like to know first? I have a whole album I could share of the day you were born. There are also dozens of embarrassing albums of our older brothers from when they were young. They soothe my battered soul on the days they bully me." He wipes the corner of his eyes dramatically. "I think you would especially enjoy the one I keep stashed away that documents the trials and errors of potty-training Lux. It's pure gold."
The expression on Keir's face when he realized what he had just said was so comical I had to laugh. In a blink and a whoosh, he was suddenly hiding his tall form behind Momma's couch.
"So, you lied when I told you to put that particular album back in the darkest corner of the family keepsake vault. You swore after I beat… I mean after our vigorous sparring session that you would put it back and forget it ever existed. You are just accumulating the number of disciplinary spars we will be having when I return, little brother." Lux's presence for a moment seemed to solidify to the point I thought he would manifest into the room somehow.
His intense stare followed Keir as he spoke in a deceptively light tone. "You know it is not acceptable to lie to your elder brother. Especially when he gives you a direct command. Prepare yourself, little brother," Lux's stare had turned menacing as a mist formed in the room. Wide-eyed and curious, I watched the mist curl toward the edges of the sitting area, and when I dipped my toes into the mist, I felt a chilling sensation curl up my ankle like a soft whisper. My curiosity increased when it went from chilling to simply cool.
It was a comforting cool with the faint scent of cold smoke and cypress. With the taste on my tongue and the scent teasing my nose, the door of a memory cracked open. My mind took the information my body had processed, revealing to me that this is Lux's personal scent I was scenting. Is it true that the body can remember things the mind does not?
Aspen smiled fondly as he watched me and the mist interact. "I can see you are intrigued by the mist, Moonbeam. It is a manifestation of Lux's irritation with Keir. This is possible because Lux and I are twins. Sometimes, we can manifest or enhance each other's aura manifestations. Apparently, this is a hereditary thing from Nimra's side, " Aspen explained.
On another page I made notes about my family that I could refer to later. "Anyway, promises of violence and Keir's attempts at humor aside, what questions do you have for us, Moonbeam?" Aspen leaned back, bringing us back on topic.
"I've been thinking about my childhood at our mountain estate. While I was there, did we see each other? Was I raised by others, or were we all there together?" I didn't look up. My pen was poised to write down whatever I was told. I won't let them see how their words affect me. I'm on the fence right now about this family that doesn't feel like home yet.
Momma's expression softened into something warm and reflective, and the others mirrored it. "I remember those days fondly. I do miss such simpler times. Back then we had only been part of the Sun Court for about 5 years. So at that time it was easier to make sure you always had a member of the enclave by your side. I personally was not separated from you until you were weaned off my milk."
Her expression brimmed with fond reminiscence. I sensed no deception in what I'd heard so far. I tapped my nails on the edge of my notebook and adjusted my body. It felt a bit stiff from sitting in the same position for so long. "Your Azrail—Nyota—was the parent to stay with you the most since his position as CIO of Ajeivara Holdings made the time he had to be in the capital more flexible. Your Korran, papa, was present for the first three months before he was required to return to the capital, but he made every effort to attend every celebration and holiday he could get away for. His non-negotiable days were birthdays. Our entire family always celebrated our birthdays together with you at the estate."
Momma took a moment to drink some water before continuing. "At the time of your birth, the twins were six and Keir was three, so they lived at the estate with us for a while. The twins went back with your Korran when he returned to the capital. Keir stayed until he was six, then he returned to start primary schooling in the capital. All three spent holidays and many weekends at the estate with you so they were constants throughout your childhood. I travelled back and forth as well so we were often together throughout the year."
I have a third parent? How does Nyota fit into the family dynamics? Why is he called Azrail and Nyota? Why is he not here? I never would have imagined my parents in a triad. I have a few questions I will ask them privately. I hope I will be able to get along with him.
"We were able to rotate between the capital and the mountain estate with minimal trouble because of our Kin-branch, which is headed up by my brother, your uncle Cornelius. He managed enclave affairs when we were at the mountain retreat, and if we all had to be in the capital, he and his branch would come to the mountain retreat to care for you. There were few moments in your life when one of us wasn't with you."
"We wanted you to have a strong bond with your enclave, so we always made time for you without question. All of us—Korran, Me, Azrail, Lux, Keir, Aspen, Cornelius, my twin brother; Zira, his chosen Velari, Hael, his fated Velari, and even their kids, Rhodri and Taen, who look up to you—have loved and cherished you deeply." Momma's tone turned nostalgic as she painted a picture of a child who was never abandoned—just deeply loved.
I nodded in deep thought, making notes, but it didn't make sense to me. Why did you hang yourself? What made you believe it would be better to end your life instead of asking them for help? I had no one I could truly call my own, unlike you. I had just been betrayed by my lover and my best friend—the two people I expected to always have my back.
Their parents, my guardians, treated me like a trophy to show off. They made it clear very quickly once I was officially their ward that they expected nothing less than excellence from me if I was going to be in their house. The pressure to always succeed was exhausting.
Minette said they felt inferior because of the praises and admiration their parents showered on me, but they must have selective memories. They didn't have to endure talks or the consequences I had to face when I failed to meet their parents' high standards. High standards, they didn't push their precious children to meet. Yes, they got talks and had to deal with being compared to me, but that was the limit of their consequences for their less-than-excellent results.
When I grew up and began working at the law firm, I recognized that my boss and a few co-workers did care. But I was just getting settled at the firm. The rhythmic tap of my nail on the mug and the low murmur of voices soothed me, but my thoughts still tossed and turned." in my head as I remembered. I wasn't comfortable enough to lean on anyone at the firm yet. Plus, I was too busy trying to maintain the demands of my friendship with Minette and my dating life with Koba. Trying to build personal relationships in the office was not high on my to-do list. At the end, I was worn out and tired. I had no one I trusted enough to turn to in my hour of need.
While she had a whole family, a whole enclave of people, who seemed as if they were just waiting for her to ask for help, I don't understand why she decided to end her life. A cacophony of raw emotions simmers in my gut, telling me I'm becoming emotionally invested in this matter. I thought I could let the past stay in the past, but I can't help feeling that I won't find peace here until I settle this little mystery of why she did it. My instincts are pinging that Koba and Minette played a big role in what happened, but I doubt they were the only deciding factors. In a month or two, once I'm recovered, I'm going to investigate my other self's choice. I owe it to her and myself to find out the truth.