I opened my eyes again from the depths of death. Before me was not a new world, but the same tiresome hospital ward.
"I'm… alive, right?"
"…"
Waver Velvet and Tohsaka Rin. And a large man—a Servant—were surrounding me.
Waver wore his characteristic dazed expression, Rin looked as if she was about to burst into tears, and the Servant had a bored look on his face.
I covered my face with my hands. Why. Why was I here?
"Hmph. Well then. How does it feel to have died and come back to life? A different sensation from manifesting as a Servant, I imagine?"
"Shit."
"…Huh?"
The most irritating fact of all was that my consciousness was clearer now than ever before.
***
I started by thanking them. To be honest, I wasn't grateful, but they had helped me nonetheless. Expressing my thanks was the right thing to do.
"I owed you one, so I was just paying you back. There's no other reason!"
Waver was simple, which was nice.
Rin, on the other hand, was too complex.
She was too mature to be treated as a child, yet too emotionally fragile to be treated as an adult.
Even after seeing a corpse right before her eyes, Rin didn't shed a single tear. I was deeply concerned about the reason why, but I didn't have the courage to ask.
I lack courage. But Rin had it.
"Why did you try to kill yourself?"
The curt question left me speechless. It wasn't simply because I was afraid to confess the truth to Rin.
I myself couldn't tell what was real and what was fake.
I just wanted to die. That was the only clear fact.
"…That's a good question. Why *did* I try to die?"
I couldn't even state that one clear fact.
I trailed off because I didn't want to be scolded. I didn't want her to see my desire to throw everything away and run.
I didn't want to become a pathetic adult being scolded by a child who was hundreds of years my junior.
"Were you running away?"
"You ask some rather difficult questions. Hmm…."
Another reason was that I felt I might start clinging to her.
I wanted to complain about what I'd been through, how hard it was, how it felt like the world was out to get only me.
I had simply pitied heroes.
I agreed, as if hypnotized by a voice from somewhere, and it had led me all the way here.
There's no going back anymore. The only way to untangle a hopelessly knotted skein of thread is to burn the whole thing.
But that was the worst possible choice.
That voice passed through me and laid the same curse upon my daughter, whose whereabouts I don't even know.
I had forced the burden I gave up onto my daughter.
"I don't know. I think I just wanted to run away because it was hard."
Hearing my answer, whether she was satisfied or simply speechless from the shock… Rin left the hospital just like that.
My eyes followed the girl's retreating back.
I should have apologized, not just thanked her.
Waver, who had been watching the mood, cautiously spoke up. He was blatantly exuding an aura of wanting to leave.
"Ahem. Well then, I'll be off…"
"Where do you think you're going, boy? We're not finished."
The one who stopped Waver was none other than his own Servant.
There was power in the giant's massive hands. The sheer pressure from him simply clenching his fist was palpable.
Normally, it wouldn't have fazed me, but in my completely civilian body, I couldn't bear it.
A cold sweat ran down my back, and my heart pounded.
"The Supervisor certainly said he'd give two Command Spells. But he said nothing about the spells of a captured Master. Remember that, boy?"
"What…? Are you planning to take my Command Spells now?!"
"But of course. We are fighting a war. There is no place for paltry pity in war."
The giant drew his sword. I could feel the majesty of a conqueror king.
"But it would be a waste to kill you just like this. Summon Caster, O Master."
"What is this idiot talking about?!"
"What fool would refuse a duel with a great hero? You should have realized by now!"
They had quite the friendly Master-Servant relationship. Though it was hard to tell who was the Master.
I shook my head at the giant's expectation. His head tilted slightly.
"Do you wish to die as you are? Then again, you must have had a reason to attempt suicide."
"You're only noticing that now? Idiot. Idiot!"
Thankfully, Waver stood in front of me to protect me. A Servant cannot strike down their own Master. The giant hesitated to swing his sword.
"But did you not come back to life? One without will cannot stand up. If you have been resurrected like a savior, there must be a corresponding reason for it."
A wave of emotion washed over me at his words.
I wanted to ask him what he knew to be saying such things.
I wanted to die. Now that the endless reincarnations and the power of the Beast were gone… I had nothing left.
I was empty. A breathing corpse.
There was no reason I came back to life. I was only alive again because someone else saved me.
"If you have something to say, say it! How can a real man who can't even do that participate in a war!"
My anger boiled over. I shot to my feet and shouted.
"Get out of my house!"
My voice cracked, which was slightly embarrassing. But the giant paid no mind to such things.
"Good. That's what makes you worthy of conquering."
Since I'd already started, I just went all in.
"You son of a bitch…!"
***
What did I say? I don't remember clearly. What was certain was that Rider confirmed I had no Command Spells and left.
The now-empty hospital felt desolate again.
I could feel the void left by the chunk of my heart I had just poured out.
I was once again craving the warmth of another person.
The power of the Beast should have been long gone, but nothing had changed.
I guess this is who I've always been.
The power of the Beast didn't change me. I am the one who called forth the power of the Beast.
I get lonely easily. I want people, but I also hate them.
"This is a mental illness. It really is."
I looked out the window. A cool breeze blew in.
Waver said he was going to the Church to report that I was no longer Caster's Master and was a civilian without the power of the Beast.
The subjugation quest would probably fizzle out.
Once the Holy Grail War is over, this hospital will be left with just one person who's good with a knife.
I gritted my teeth.
"I can't let it end like this."
I'm not a Master, and I'm a civilian with no power.
But right now, I wanted the Holy Grail more intensely than ever before.
With the power of the Grail, I should be able to turn things back.
"I have to get the power of the Beast back. I must."
How?
"Morgan."
I have to find Morgan again. I must use her power to win the Holy Grail War, no matter what.
To be honest, I don't want to see Morgan. The feeling of betrayal is so immense that my heart feels like it's being torn apart even now.
But she was too attractive a card to discard. Morgan's magecraft was so exceptional that you'd need to bring in the King of Mages just to be on her level.
So, I'll kill my heart.
What I need is the Holy Grail. Not a happy, cheerful life with Morgan.
"Since you betrayed me, it's only fair that I use you, right?"
Morgan won't be able to refuse. Just as she knows me, I know her.
Even if I lie to her face, Morgan won't be able to say a word. After lying to me so much, what could she possibly have left to say?
The more allies, the better. After Morgan, it's Gilgamesh.
"If I can entice Gilgamesh as well, victory in the Holy Grail War will be absolute."
Gilgamesh shouldn't be difficult either.
She still has things she needs to apologize to me for.
If Gilgamesh doesn't listen, I'll have to use Morgan to eliminate her.
I must eliminate her, even if it means using up all three of Morgan's Command Spells. Other than her, the only remaining variable is King Arthur.
And my Morgan is not the Morgan of Pan-Human History. She has almost none of the villainous nature that leads to her defeat by King Arthur.
"…I must. I absolutely must win."
If necessary, I'll even appeal to pity. If she refuses, I will shake her mind to death with a spiteful curse.
No matter what foul methods I have to use, I must return the power of the Beast to myself.
The moon was hidden by the clouds, and was no longer visible.