The tower was a wreck.
Smoke clung to the upper arches, curling through cracks of shattered glass. Stone pillars leaned, half-scorched, and the once-grand chandelier hung by a single chain, twitching every time the wind blew through the broken windows.
All in all, it looked like shit.
Zaylknork stepped over a fallen banner with his own face on it, it crumpled under his feet and an exaggerated ghost of the banner floated up to the sky. "Great. My own house looks like shit. Why does the hero have to cause a fucking mess?"
He groaned, muttering very audible swear words. "This would be difficult to clean up, the woods, argh, that would cost a lot..."
Leonard followed behind him, clutching a half-burned parchment. "At least it still stands, my Lord."
"Barely. What's the cost of the broken fountain?" Zaylknork pointed to a statue at the center in his lair.
It was a black monolith sculpted into his glorious face, mouth open in a permanent roar. From the mouth, molten light oozed down in a steady trickle, forming a small, useless moat of glowing sludge around the base.
However, half his head had been cleanly cut off.
Another damage caused by the Hero.
"About 300 gold coins, my lord. If we were to count the previous damages caused by the hero, it'll amount up to 1000 gold coins and 23 silver coins. Plus the tax owed, that'll amount to 6773 gold coins and 23 silver coins..."
Leonard flipped through a thick paper that had suddenly appeared in his hand. "And we are... currently penniless. Unless we steal... again—which we won't since you're currently under rehabilitation."
Zaylknork blinked twice. The hell?! Zaylknork is broke?! H-how did I not notice?
Zaylknork clutched his head in dismay. He groaned again, massaging his temples with his fingers, then he sighed. I need that special herbal tea if I am to continue this nightmare.
"Let's just... focus on what's on ground."
As they rounded the corner of Zaylknork's evil lair, something bright almost blinded their vision.
The Hero of the Light, Javander, sat in the middle of the chaos on a toppled table. His golden hair shone under the cracked sunlight, catching every glint of dust like a damn spotlight.
His armor gleamed as though it had been polished just for this stupidity as his sword rested lazily beside him.
And all around him… were Zaylknork's own minions.
Laughing and eating... sweets?
Minion 1 held a stick of candied fruit, licking it. Minion 2 poked at a bag of marsh treats.
Someone even poured the hero a cup of wine.
Zaylknork's jaw twitched. "Leonard," he uttered. "They're fraternizing with the enemy."
Leonard blinked. "They do appear to be… enjoying themselves, my Lord."
"Enjoying—?!" He stormed forward, his boots echoing through the granite floor.
The hero turned, bright smile already plastered across his annoyingly perfect face. "Ah! Zaylknork! You're back! Excellent timing!"
Zaylknork stopped mid-step, blinking rapidly. "What."
Javander jumped to his feet, posture heroic enough to cause back pain. "After you flee, your minions have told me everything! You plan to start a blood market!" His hand flew to his sword, pointing dramatically at the ceiling instead of Zaylknork.
"And as my duty as the Hero, I shall—!"
Zaylknork walked right past him.
Eh?
He reached Minion 1 and Minion 2, still clutching their candy like idiots, and smacked the tops of their heads with both hands.
"OW!"
"Master—!"
"Have you two lost your minds?!" he hissed.
"You see a man who's tried to kill me three times, and your first instinct is to accept sweets from him?! What's next? Inviting the demon inspectors for tea?!"
They both ducked their heads. "S-sorry, Master…"
"We haven't have anything good for days..."
"Don't punish us!!!"
Leonard looked away, pretending not to know them.
Zaylknork turned to the hero, forcing a smile that was far too tight to be friendly. "Listen, Javander. I'm not doing any of... that anymore. I'm retiring. I'm even going to Eldeloria to get the Queen's signature for the damn papers."
The hero frowned, sword lowering slightly.
"All that nonsense about a blood farm or whatever your golden head heard? Fake news. I'm done with curses, raids, world domination—whatever other side quests you think I'm up to. I'm old, tired and just want to drink wine that doesn't taste like regret."
Javander stared at him, clearly trying to process the words. "You mean… you're surrendering? However, you're not old. Your evil demeanor still drips."
"I mean I quit. And I appreciate the comment."
Javander blinked. "Villains can't quit."
"I just did." I don't want to die. Dying sucks but dying by the hands of a teenager? That's fucking embarrassing.
The hall went quiet. Even the minions stopped chewing.
Leonard cleared his throat gently. "My Lord, perhaps we should continue explaining—"
Zaylknork pressed two fingers to his temple.
A sharp, pounding headache pulsed behind his eyes. "If one more person questions my life choices, I swear I'm building that blood market just out of spite."
"Ahah!! I knew it! And by the power of friendship! I will find out your real plan and report to the Queen!"
Zaylknork froze. "Wait—report to the Queen? You can't do that!" Oh no, no, no. I could see my retirement plan flying further away from me!
Javander grinned, already spinning toward the door like an overexcited retriever in plate armor. "I mean no harm, but once the hero hears a dark plan brewing, he can't just keep quiet. The truth always prevail! I must tell Queen Felisa!"
"Oh, for fuck's—Javander, stop—"
Too late. The idiot had already made it halfway across the broken fountain, almost exiting the tower's gate.
However, Zaylknork lunged forward in pure reflex. His hand shot out to grab the hero's shoulder.
Javander twisted, flaring light from his armor as he drew his sword out. "Are you attacking me?"
Zaylknork widened his red eyes, his elbow jerked upward, slamming into the hero's forehead. And hitting him square in the jaw.
K.O.
THUNK!
A lone raven passed by.
The hero's body hit the cracked floor. His sword dropped, clattering against a broken tile.
Zaylknork stood over him, breathing hard and shocked. Did Javander just collapsed from a concussion? "...Shit. This is bad."
Leonard's jaw dropped. "My Lord, you just—"
"It was an accident!"
"You just assaulted the Hero of the Light! T-this should happen in many plot points to come! Why now? Why is the hero so weak this time?"
"Well, he startled me! It's not my fault he's weak!!"
The minions huddled in the corner, clutching their candy.
Zaylknork crouched beside Javander, poking his cheek. The kid remained unconscious on the floor. "Oh, come on, you're not dead, right? You dumb heroes always bounce back from worse! Right?!"
My retirement plan won't flop, right?!
Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose. "We are so executed."
Zaylknork dragged both hands down his face. His headache pulsed like someone hammering from the inside. "No one—and I mean no one—will believe I didn't plan this."
"Correct. No one would believe you didn't do this on purpose. According to my analysis, you had tried kidnapping the hero 17 times. No positive outcomes from that."
"You're not helping, Leonard."
Zaylknork looked at the unconscious hero, then at the ceiling, then at the general wreck of his life.
"...Alright," he muttered. "Plan B."
Leonard blinked. "What's Plan B?"
Zaylknork glanced toward the nearest window, dead serious.
"Hide the body."
"Yes, hide the body..." Leonard nodded at first, agreeing to whatever Zaylknork said, his head bobbing up and down.
But when the words sank in, his face went slack. His grey eyes expanded into giant saucers.
His voice was a strangled whisper, a hoarse shriek. "H-hide the body?! Do you want us beheaded?! The Queen is his mother!"