I stare at balrow, he stare at me, I stare at balrow, he stare at me.
"Need to talk?"
I stare at him, again, after that sentence, I don't really know what I expected really.
I have the right to stare at the ceiling for 2 minutes straight without doing anything else after all, that's completly normal behaviour.
"No, not really"
My voice sounds more composed that my current mental state, or perhaps it just sounds that way because I'm whispering.
He stare at me, I stare at him, and wait can he even see me? I'm struggling to look within the dark to be honest, I lean my head to the right, then to the left, then to the right....after my test I can say with confidence that I have no fucking idea whether he sees me or not! "Very well" oh, he answered.
And that's all, silence come back again, damn first time the silence feel strange, sighing I sit on my bed and say unmprompted.
"but I want too"
He look at the direction of my voice, I really want to do a middle finger just to figure out if he can see me or not.
"You don't fight a lot do you?"
I almost stop at his sentence, pretty strange thing to say to the one that came in the room with bloody knuckles, turning my head toward him, still whispering.
"Yeah"
I feel like our roles reversed a bit, balrow is the one that don't talk a lot usually, a bit of a lull instal itself after my word, as if he needed to figure out a good way to approach a senstive subject.
"these green ones, they were dangerous, you were brave in taking them out, that was the right thing to do"
More like the smart thing to do, I look at him, at him almost hoping that he start talking about the thing that bother me the most.
Unfortunately, I did the smart thing, again, and did not talk about twitchy, I wait in silence as he keep going.
"they may look like humans"
the face of twitchy flash in my fucking mind
"but they are not, being concerned about useless death are good, but you did good by defending our group" Yeah, they weren't humans.
Twitchy was though.
Twitchy was, twitchy fucking was, Twitchy was and he stared at me with those fucking dumb scared eyes while I crushed, abused, destroyed, and ripped the life out of him. He couldn't do shit, I was stronger, he was weaker. That's how it work, it doesn't matter how much preparation he did or didn't do, I was faster, stronger, better, and I won, I took my fucking right as a winner!
I try to close the cap of the water bottle. Not thirsty anymore.
He was going to kill me, I know it, I saw it, I'm sure of it.
My breath hitch. Just as I keep looking forward, making sure not to show anything.
I did the good thing, no, not the good thing, the smart thing, it's simple fucking math, crazy fucker want to kill you, you kill him back, like dad did, like mom did, and like I did.
My hand tighten harder against the water bottle. A mess of feeling rising up.
It doesn't matter they said, it doesn't matter, when you have a problem you take care of it, permanently, no exception, HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME!
I don't care about twitchy, I couldn't care less, I will not care, I shouldn't fucking care.
I keep still. Just waiting. Feeling. Looking at nothing but the dark and the figure of balrow who's misunderstanding everything.
But I fucking do, and then there's those goblins, I don't care about those goblins, I really don't, I care about me.
What does it mean? First person I seriously fight finish dead under my fist, and last thing do too?
First one struggle to escape, and fourth one try to run away in fear?
First one look at me in fear, third one does the same as I fucking impale him on my spear?
First one don't even understand how did things escalated that badly for him, and second one can't even try to understand as I killed him before he could realize the deep shit he's in?
The way my guts twist isn't enjoyable. At all. My eyes land on the silent figure of balrow.
And look at him, this old stoic man, trying to reassure a kid that just had a traumatizing experience.
Poor little him, I'm gonna cry, look at this tiny pitiable thing, he doesn't understand that he did a good thing!
Look at him, look at him, and dare tell him that you don't care about those goblins, smile at him and say it, say it loud and clear, wake up everyone while you're at it, here I'll help you.
I don't care about those goblins. My tongue move, struggling to swallow spit.
No really I don't. What? Why I'm looking at the ceiling like I'm in the middle of a mental crisis?
Well that's really easy to explain, you see, remember when all of you were suspicious of me?
Right to be really, because I just finished crushing the soul out of a human guy! I called him twitchy, cause he was twitchy, what?
I don't even have the decency to know the name of the one I murdered?
Yes! I don't! You got it!
I'm the kind of guy that crush skulls, then rename the ones I killed with pathetic humiliating nicknames to really just destroy the history of their lives a bit more, It's like peeing on their graves really!
THAT'S SO FUCKING FUN, you should try it sometimes! Ha! I'm dying of laughter, oh! Right, which ones had the idea to take care of the vomity corpse without me? Make sure to wake them up, I reaaaaaaallly want to tell them that the reason I puked all over was beacause I remembered how I pummeled a human in the same fashion!
The way my teeth bite my lip tell me this whole self talk is a bad idea.
Goblins! Humans! And next will be orcs! I'm sure of it! Who want to be pummeled, who want to be butchered? I can give anyone a little bit of love! Everyone in line please, my butchery has limited space!
My nails dig in my palm. The pain, as much as I want it too. Don't stop me.
What now? I'll keep butchering anything I see? Ha ha ha, so fucking funny, a dumb pathetic bitchy system call me homicidal and now I need to rip guts outs?
Since fucking when?
Is it even my fault? That magic shit must be messing with my mind, that's sure, I'm not like that, sure I'm a bastard, I do dumb crazy shit and I may not treat everyone super nicely but killing twitchy?
The fuck I'm saying, spouting excuses for what I did, like dad like son.
My teeth clench. A mix of rage, sadness, and impotent weakness making me want to claw my skin out.
It doesn't fucking matter, excuses doesn't matter, I did it, and I'll do it again, dad said it, do the smart thing before the good thing, do the smart thing before what you want to do, do the smart thing, regret, and do it again, the smart thing isn't supposed to be enjoyable, it may be, it may not, cope however you wish, but the smart thing is what matter.
A single mistake is what make us different.
That's what make you different than twitchy maggot filled corpse.
I can just see it, under me, in the dark of the room.
A drinking day while YOU train will keep you alive.
A resting day while YOU plan will keep you alive.
A lazy day while YOU work will keep you alive.
A sad day while YOU FUCKING FORCE THAT DUMB ASS SMILE ON YOUR FACE WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE.
A happy day while YOU FUCKING KEEP THAT FUCKING SMILE DOWN WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE.
Don't drink, unless it's needed for appearence.
Don't rest, unless it's needed for improvement.
Don't be lazy, unless it's needed to bait your ennemies.
Don't be sad, unless it's controlled.
Don't be happy, unless it's needed to keep your mental up.
Did Twitchy drink? He reeked of alcohol, he was weaker than you, did you drink? You don't, your ethic of life is perfect, it made you more reactive.
Did Twitchy rested? His eyebags are telling me the truth? Do you know how important sleep is? Do you have eyebags? No you don't, that made you stronger, faster, just better than him in that fight.
Was Twitchy lazy? Look at him, how lazy he became when he realized you couldn't fight back, his mind was so lethargic he just stared at you after he shot! Are you lazy? No you're not, the second you saw an opportunity you rushed at it!
Was twitchy sad? OBVIOUSLY! Don't you remember those pathetic little cries? He was sad, engulfed by sadness, he may call it something else, terror, hopelessness, whatever it doesn't matter, he was sad. Were you? Of course! But did you let it control you? No! You kept going and going, and when your grip on his gun failed, you were glad you did.
Was twitchy happy? Of course not! He was scared, insecure, he clearly don't know two shit about how to relax! Were you happy? Well, not really, but you for sure did tried your best to stay opstimistic while getting mugged! Ha! Proof of it, you're still calling him Twitchy aren't you? And annual trigger edging competition? Seriously? Shit cracked me up for real! You were able to stay out of despair because of those jokes!
You did the smart thing.
Who's dead?
Who's alive?
What abou-! The excessive force? It was personal you shouldn't let an ennemy, probably backed with multiples less than frequantable people, alive after you beat him up from a mugging, and that blood you left everywhere?
Don't kid yourself you're smart, I'm sure you already processed the fact that the world was going to change when you saw that system window appear!
Bu-! Not waiting for malfoy to heal was smaaaart, don't even worry, you're in a bad state of mind and sometimes you need to push a bit more aggresively, that's all! Not smart if you're fine, but you're in a specific situation here, what you did was smart!
I look at balrow and smile.
"Thanks, don't worry too much, I'm just dealing with all that shit. I did it, and I'll do it again. just have a bit of a trouble dealing with all the consequences"
I did the smart thing.