"Friendship forrrrrrrrever!"
What the hell? Turning my head to the right make me see the dumb face of annie, her eyes focused on something between me and matthew.
She's not alone actually, jenna has a small relieved smile.
And balrow is just like himself.
Giving a glance at what they are all looking, I can't help but feel a mix of frustation and...strangely enough relief.
They are all staring at my and malfoy fist.
Fistbumping. Looks like we're all friend friend now, make sense they happy considering they passed the last minute or so trying to calm down a fight.
One that didn't exist nor would have happened.
I was simply feeling calm. Really, just like always when it happen. Right now though? I'm MUCH more likely to beat malfoy up!
"Indeed." A drawl from my left finish it's sentence "frien....dship. Forever, beh" annie look at malfoy, eyes narrowing "why you talked like it was hard as fuck to say a simple word!"
He let his arms hang before answering. "Nothing, nothing, just got some sand in my mouth." Then he point his hand at me "ludger can vouch for me"
What?
I'm still staring at my fist like a maniac for some reason.
Snapping back to reality I realize I can talk. And just don't, I don't even try to move my lips.
Why would I vouch for malfoy? In a joke or not. Before I can realize how weird it could be for them if I don't answer the door's open again. Sparing me the efforts of bringing any kind of argumentation
Everyone show their own sort of annoyance. Annie go all gobling mode, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.
Jenna put her hands on her ears with a small strained smile.
Matthew let his head come down and shake his head.
The only one that don't react is...balrow, just staring at me. At me in particular.
Why?
Oh right. The only ones that don't react are me and barlow, we're just staring at each other.
Who stared first? I don't know. But we're just staring.
That's weird. Breaking eye contact first I turn my head left, then stop and decide to look at the door that's happening now.
Is there a pattern in the doors? I don't know.
This one is pretty far from us again.
And why is balrow still looking at me. Stop looking at me, I'm not even staring anymore.
I look at the door that's behind him as everyone pace around, apart from us two.
I act like I'm not looking at him, that's staring at me, I can see it in my peripheral vision.
What the heck?
Looking at him again, I frown and raise his shield up. A single eyebrow raise up, trying to convene my question. I shrug one shoulder and tap the shield with my palm.
Does he want his shield back?
He keep staring at me, and then let his head drop down like he's sighing before taking some steps forward toward me.
Malfoy do the opposite. Taking steps away and waving the girls away, talking...oh right.
The door opened, didn't notice.
Even then I don't react, don't look at the amount of enemies.
I don't feel like it. And I'm pushing the coils so deep down in my guts they can't complain.
Balrow is looking at me. What the FUCK DOES THIS OLD MAN WANT!? HE WANT A FIGHT!? Why why am I getting angry?
Ignoring everything I blatter out with a voice way too emotionless compared to my mental state.
"Want your shield back?" That's the first shit I said the second he's remotely close.
He shake his head at me, before stopping still. Giving me space. All while malfoy keep talking with the girls behind.
"Keep it."
He look at malfoy, then turn around to stare ahead, at me again. He shake his head and sigh.
"You should go fight."
What? The? Fuck? Is? Happening? I think my next answer show my confusion more than enough. "What?"
He close his eyes. Just like my father did when he searched the best word to say something I just, just, couldn't understand fully yet.
"Fighting is funny isn't it?"
The sounds of the talking behind him get dulled out, his voice getting louder. In the same manner that happen when you focus on a particular sound. The exact same is happening to me right now, at some words.
He wait. Just waiting for an answer.
Coils rage around inside me.
Fighting isn't fun. It's NOT that fun, it's like. Dangerous. And super risky. And and I would much prefer be a politician, safe, in my office. Or like get friend friend with a strong guy, get protected, no need to fight. Just focus on myself. Have fun, and live my normal -PATHETIC- life.
It's a very very very honest lifestyle, and I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE! I swear I don't, I do not want to go on adventures, get friends, fight super strong monster, challenge myself, grow as a person, and become strong strong strong sooooo stronger, stronger than anything and everything.
I don't want to be able to protect anyone! I'm just fine by myself, in a hole. I don't need help from anyone if nobody know me. I don't need power if there is no threat! And look at it, there is no threat! I'm not helpless, I'm just doing a reasonable decision here.
My coils rage.
They rage and rage.
But I push them down.
I push down the only feelings I felt a minute ago.
Nothing but calm, calm and the slightly muted feelings of fun coming from fighting. Coming from feeling my blood boiling. Coming from my body listening to me, coming from my mind listening to me, coming from having the power he trained so hard to shape.
It was perfect. It was like my title was leashed. Like I could use it for once without being terrified of random and ridiculous thoughts that DIDN'T existed before.
But I ignore all of it. All of it. The disadvantage are too much I hate it, do you hear me, I HATE IT!
I DON'T LIKE FIGHTING! I DON'T WANT POWER! I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING ALONE AND GO HOME!
THAT'S ALL!
That's all I want to do, nothing else I say is the truth. Those words are a dogma I repeat again and again, a mantra here to brainwash my own mind.
Repeat it till I believe it. Every day, every seconds. Imbibe yourself of those principles every day, every second.
Ignore all of the bad things, ignore all of it.
I CAN'T LISTEN TO IT! I won't, I won't.
Not when it doesn't want me to go home.
I need to go home. I need to go home, I need to go home, I need to go home, I need to go home.
I will carve those words in my flesh if I need to.
Just for a single day.
That's all.
Then I'll listen to it. Then I'll listen to myself, maybe, just maybe.
So no.
No, I don't like fighting.
I don't like fighting.
I don't want power.
Being weak is fine. It's fine. It's a reasonable thought and NO ONE will come get me.
I'm safe. I'm fine. I don't want it.
So no, I don't like fighting.
I don't.
I look at him again.
"Kinda."
He nod, before smiling at me with an old withered smile.
"Go enjoy your time." He nod toward his back "your friend is waiting"
"Ludger you coming!?"
My finger shake a bit as I look at him, not revealing anything apart from that I answer malfoy, raising my voice. "Coming malfoy!"
I barely look above balrow shoulder to look at him.
I'm just too focused on that smile.
Uh, that....was weird.
Yeah, just weird.
I give him a simple nod "I will, thanks old man" my practiced smile come back. His own smile reduce a bit after seeing that, but he still nod all while I move toward malfoy.
Did his smile dimmed down? What? What's happening?
I don't know what's happening.
My coils squirm inside, offering an answer I promptly crush down.
"Go kick some ass!" I almost jump out as annie hand slam against my shoulder, hyping me up. "Good luck" jenna concerned voice to my left, I nod at them as I reach malfoy.
He's standing there, hands on his waist looking me up and down before nodding toward the new open door.
"Ready?"
What the fuck just happened?