Someone was hammering on Greg's workshop door when he woke up. For a short time, he thought that maybe he had just dreamed the whole thing with the frying pan incident. Then he heard many people outside arguing about who would get to order things first, and reality hit him hard.
"Master Greg! I need new horseshoes that will last forever, please!"
"I got here first! Make me a butter churner!"
"Fuck that! I need a real plow!"
Greg groaned and put his head down on his pillow. There was already a line, and the sun hadn't even fully risen yet.
This had been going on for three days in a row since people found out about Marina's cookware that could kill wyverns. It seems that everyone in the area thought Greg was their personal miracle worker.
He got out of bed and opened the door a little bit. There were at least a dozen people outside, from local farmers to what looked like traveling merchants. And there was Thomas, one of Ferndale's farmers, at the front of the line. He was holding what was left of a leather vest.
"Good morning, Master Greg!" Thomas said cheerfully, not noticing how worn out Greg looked.
"I'm sorry to bother you so early, but my wife has been bugging me to get the right protection."
"What? Do you need condoms for protection or something?"
"What's a condom?" Thomas looks confused.
"Forget it, go on."
"So I want armor, but not for fighting. Just something strong to wear while working in the fields. There have been too many accidents with farm tools lately."
Greg squinted at the ruined vest. "What happened to this one?"
"Got stuck on a fence post and ripped right through. This is the third one this year." Thomas scratched his head in embarrassment.
"I know you said you don't make weapons or gear for fighting, but this is just for farm work."
"Can you at least make something that won't rip so easily?
Greg nodded even though he knew better of a simple vest to protect you while working on the farm didn't seem like a big deal. No weapons, no combat gear, just useful clothes that could stand up to rough use.
"Okay," Greg said. "But only the vest. And it's only for farming."
"Right, of course it's only for farming, that's what it'll do!" Thomas smiled.
Greg finally got to work on Thomas's vest after dealing with the rest of the morning crowd and promising to think about their requests. He began with strong leather that was reinforced with thin steel plates at important places. Just a simple way to protect yourself from thorns, sharp tools, and rough work.
Greg felt that familiar tingle of power in his hands as his hammer hit the metal plates. The leather seemed to fit perfectly under his touch, and the steel plates lined up in ways that gave the most protection and flexibility.
"Just a vest," Greg said to himself.
"Easy protection for farms. There won't be anything strange that happens."
He added some simple spells to make it last longer and feel better. In hot weather, the vest should let air flow through it, and in cold weather, it should keep the wearer warm. It should be able to withstand tears and holes. And since farmers worked long hours, it would be beneficial to include a feature that helps prevent fatigue.
Things started to go wrong at that point. It seemed like the enchantment to keep you from getting worn out had a life of its own.
Greg's horror grew as runes spread across the vest in complicated patterns that he had not intended. A faint golden light began to shine on the leather, and he swore he heard music.
"No, no, no," Greg said, trying to break the spell. "Don't you dare fucking do that."
"You're a vest, not a concert hall."
The vest didn't pay attention. When he was done, it was buzzing with energy that was very different from the other things he had made. Not dangerous, but not what he had planned.
[Crafting Done!]
[Item Made: Vest of Perpetual Motion]
[Quality Level: SSS]
[Special Properties: Can't be broken, Comfortable in any weather, and the wearer can't stop dancing]
[Warning: Side effects may include dancing without meaning to, doing jigs without meaning to, and sometimes moonwalking like the legend himself]
[New Achievement: Rhythmic Disaster]
Greg looked at the notice. "Can't stop dancing...?"
"IT FUCKING SAID CAN'T STOP DANCING?"
[The spell understood "prevent fatigue" to mean "keep body moving"]
[This is technically your fault]
[The gods are writing this down for the future]
Greg said, "Oh, fuck off! I hate everything about this," but he knew he couldn't just throw the vest away.
Thomas had already given him money up front in the form of fresh vegetables and a promise to fix his roof. Furthermore, the system might have been exaggerating. It might just give the person who wears it a little more energy.
...
That night, Thomas came to get his new vest, and he was so excited he could hardly stand it. "Is it finished? Can I see it?"
Greg reluctantly held up the vest. If someone didn't notice the faint golden shimmer and the barely audible humming, it looked normal enough.
"It's just right!" Thomas quickly grabbed it and put it over his shirt.
"Fits so well for me! It feels so light, like I'm not wearing anything at all."
Nothing happened for a while. Thomas checked the vest's flexibility by patting himself down and nodding in approval.
Greg let out a small sigh of relief. This time, the system might have been wrong. The spell probably wasn't as severe as it sounded.
Then Thomas's left foot started to tap. He tapped his left foot just once, in time with music that only he could hear.
"Huh," Thomas said. "That's strange."
His right foot tapped. Then his hips moved. Thomas started to waltz right away, spinning gracefully across the workshop floor with an imaginary partner. Neither of them had time to react.
"Master Greg?" Thomas yelled, and his voice was very steady, even though he was now doing what looked like a professional ballroom dance.
"I don't think this is normal!"
"Take it off!" Greg yelled.
"I'm doing my best!" While still dancing, Thomas reached for the straps on the vest.
"But my hands just won't stop moving!"
Thomas's hands were now part of the dance, moving gracefully through the air as he spun and dipped. His feet moved in perfect time, taking him around the workshop in complicated patterns that would have impressed any dance teacher.
Of course, the noise drew a crowd. Villagers peeked through the windows and doorways, amazed at how gracefully Thomas danced. It was the best he'd ever done.
"Is this part of the vest's magic?" someone asked.
"He's actually not bad," another voice said.
Thomas did a really impressive spin and then went right into what looked like a traditional folk dance, with his feet pounding the floor in quick, rhythmic patterns. "Please help me stop this vest, Master Greg!"
"My wife is going to kill me!"
Greg ran up and was able to unbuckle the vest after trying a few times, but Thomas kept dancing while Greg tried to take it off. As soon as the vest came off, Thomas fell to the floor and started breathing heavily.
"What," Thomas said in shock, "was that?"
Greg said firmly, "A mistake."
But the people outside had different ideas. They were clapping and cheering, and someone had already gone to get the musicians from the village.
"That was amazing!" the chief of the village said as he pushed his way in.
"I had no idea you could dance like that, Thomas!"
"I can't!" Thomas yelled from the floor. "It was the vest! I did it because of the vest!
The chief picked up the vest that had been thrown away and looked at it with interest. "A piece of clothing that makes you a great dancer?"
"Master Greg, this is a game changer! Do you know how much nobles would pay for something like this?
"It's a vest for farming," Greg said weakly.
"It was supposed to make farm work easier, not for dancing."
"Well, it certainly keeps you moving," Thomas said, finally catching his breath.
[Quest Complete: Make a Cursed Item]
[Reward: 5 Skill Points]
[New Title: Master of Unintended Effects]
[Warning: Your creations are getting more and more silly]
[The gods say you should just accept this and go with it]
Greg sat down hard on the workbench. This was getting out of hand.
First, farming tools that made earthquakes, then cookware that killed monsters, and now clothes that made people dance. There had to be a reason for why everything he made went wrong.
Then it came to him. The system wasn't just giving things scores based on how excellent they were. It was giving them scores based on how strong and different they were.
And it appears that the more strange and unexpected the effect, the higher the ranking. It was cool but not surprising that a sword could cut through mountains. Could a hoe sort crops based on their ripeness? That was strange.
A frying pan that could also be used as a shield against dragons? This makes the item even more unique. And a vest that made farmers dance against their will? Totally crazy, which makes it legendary.
Greg said slowly, "I get it now."
"The system wants me to make strange things."
[Yes!]
[Items that are boring get low ranks]
[Items that are creative and surprising get SSS ranks]
[You're finally getting it]
"But I don't want to make strange things! I only want to make things that are normal, peaceful, and helpful!
[Those can be the same things]
[Your hoe helps people grow crops better]
[Your frying pan helps people cook and not get killed by wyverns]
[Your dancing vest helps people get in shape]
[You're just looking at "helpful" from different angles]
Greg wanted to argue with that logic, but he couldn't. His things were helpful in a technical way. They were legendary instead of ordinary because they had extra features that no one saw coming.
Thomas was well enough to stand, but he stayed a safe distance from the vest. "Master Greg, I appreciate the effort, but I don't think my wife would like it if I danced through the wheat fields."
"Just keep it," Greg said with a sigh. "Maybe you could use it for festivals in the village or something."
"I promise I'll make you a normal vest. A boring, normal vest with no magic at all."
"Are you sure?"
"It really felt good while I was wearing it, even though I was dancing."
"Yes, I am sure. Please don't tell anyone else about this."
Thomas nodded and carefully folded the vest, as if it might start dancing on its own at any moment. Greg could hear him telling the people outside that the vest was a "prototype" and "not quite ready for public use" as he left.
Greg put his head on his anvil and shut his eyes. He had only been in this new world for two weeks, but he had already made a legendary collection of useless things. If things kept going this way, he'd be famous for all the wrong reasons by the end of the month.
[New Quest Available: Accept Your Fate]
[Make three more silly but useful things]
[Reward: Upgrade to an Advanced Workshop]
[The gods trust you]
Greg muttered, "The gods can believe in someone else other than me, who was a fool."
But as he said it, his mind was already full of ideas. A broom that sang opera while it cleaned houses. A teapot that could tell what the weather would be like. A pillow that gave you good dreams but also turned them into bad poetry.
He suddenly sat up. "No. No way. I don't want to be known as the 'Blacksmith of Ridiculous Items.' Fuck all of that!"
[Too late]
[That's how people see you]
[Marina is telling everyone how great her pots and pans are]
Greg looked out the window and saw three adventurers coming to his workshop. They looked excited and determined.
A merchant's cart full of goods pulled into the village square behind them. And was that a carriage belonging to a nobleman in the distance?
Greg said, "I need a break, a vacation would be perfect."
[You've been here for two weeks]
[Also, vacations are for quitters]
[Go back to work]
"I don't give a fuck about that. This is my life!"
Greg went back to his forge with a resigned sigh. He might as well make the ridiculous legendary items right if he was going to be stuck making them. He would definitely read the warnings about enchantments more carefully before finishing anything next time.