A month. A full, hollow month of silence. The anger had burned out, leaving behind a cold, gray ash of regret. The image of Carla's tear-streaked face in the library was now my constant tormentor. My proud, cruel words played on a loop in my mind. "I don't want it."
... (The phone call with Carla's mother happens as previously drafted) ...
"She talked about you," her mother continued, her voice a whisper of shared grief. "You made her so happy these last few months. You were her reason to fight. When she came home from the library that day... the light was gone. She said she'd lost you."
I couldn't speak. The air had turned to stone in my lungs.
"She left something for you," her mother added softly. "A box. There's a letter she tried to give you... and her notebook. Can you come by?"
Numb, I drove to a house I'd never seen, in a part of town I didn't know. The air inside was heavy with the scent of faded flowers and grief. Carla's mother, her eyes red-rimmed but kind, handed me a simple cardboard box. It felt impossibly heavy.
I took it home to my silent room. I placed it on my desk and stared at it for an hour, afraid of the ghosts inside.
Finally, I lifted the lid.
On top lay a familiar spiral notebook. I opened it. It was the "Living List." My breath caught. Next to "Find the best ramen," she had drawn a little smiley face. Next to "Bunk a class," she had written "With Jin. He looked so nervous it was adorable." Page after page was a chronicle of our time together, a map of the happiness I had thrown away.
And beneath the notebook, lay the envelope. The one I had let fall. The one I had refused.
With hands shaking so violently I could barely hold the paper, I tore it open.
The Letter
Jin,
If you're reading this, it means I finally found the courage to give it to you. Or maybe it means I've lost all my courage and am running away. It's probably the latter.
I'm so sorry. Sorry for the library just now. Sorry for rejecting you. Sorry for all the lies.
When you told me you loved me, it was the best and worst moment of my life. It was everything I had secretly dreamed of since I saw you fumbling with that stupid pickup lines book. But it was also a death sentence for us.
You see, my "Living List" isn't just a fun game. It's my anchor. I'm sick, Jin. Really sick. I have been for a long time. The hospital you saw me at? That was for me. The absences? Treatments that don't seem to be working anymore.
I pushed you away because the thought of you watching me fade away was worse than any pain this illness could cause. You have a whole, beautiful life ahead of you. You deserve more than a girlfriend who is a professional patient, whose future is a question mark. You deserve sunsets that last for decades, not just for a season.
I thought I could be strong. I thought I could just be your friend and borrow a little of your light without being selfish. But I fell in love with you, and that made me the most selfish person in the world.
Please don't be angry at me for too long. Meeting you was the best item on my list. You made me feel so alive.
With all my love,
Carla
P.S. Find the best bubble tea for me, okay?
I sat there, the letter trembling in my hands. The world tilted on its axis. Every angry thought, every bitter assumption, crumbled to dust, leaving only a vast, desolate plain of shame. She wasn't pushing me away out of cruelty, but out of a heartbreaking, misguided love. She was trying to protect me.
I had my answer. And it destroyed what was left of me.