But how could I not love him?
Even someone as proud and uncompromising as me knew I loved him. Had loved him for so many years.
When I was little, I had lots of playmates. Chase was just one of them.
He was short and skinny as a kid. Even though our families were close, I didn't pay him much attention.
Until one time, a mother cat carried her kitten up a tree in the yard and it was about to fall.
I stood at the bottom crying my eyes out.
The bigger kids could've climbed up but none of them did—they all made excuses about going home for dinner or getting in trouble.
Only Chase.
When I was about to climb the tree myself, he gently pulled me back and climbed up instead.
He wasn't even as tall as me then, but when he put that kitten in his pocket and smiled down at me from the tree...
He looked like a hero.
Later I found out he got beaten by his dad that day for "goofing off" by climbing trees.
Even so, Chase never ratted me out.
As we got older and entered middle school, he got more and more handsome and made more and more friends.
While my personality and resting bitch face meant I was always a loner.
But he found every excuse to come bother me, to make me talk to him.
I never told him—I actually liked being bothered.
Freshman year of high school, he asked me, "Claire, what do you think about me studying acting?"
I asked, "Why acting?"
I'll never forget how he looked backlit, his features defiant: "My dad always says if I don't study hard, I'll only be able to use my face to make money. I'm gonna prove him right. I'm gonna make money with this face."
Even with acting, he was incredibly serious.
I watched a play he did during school.
Standing in that spotlight onstage, he was like a natural light source himself.
Sitting in that audience, I felt distance between us for the first time.
That's why I studied even harder. We needed to shine in our own fields, then meet at the top.
I'd neglected Chase's feelings back then, making him think I liked Ethan.
At seventeen, eighteen, we both thought too much and said too little.
Even after dating, after marriage, that thorn lodged in his heart never disappeared—it just popped up at specific moments to stab unexpectedly.