The first day in the palace passed like a nightmare I couldn't wake from.
Guards outside the door. Windows that overlooked gardens I couldn't walk in. Meals delivered on silver trays by servants who wouldn't meet my eyes. Joss paced like a caged wolf, checking the door every hour, testing the guards' patience with questions they wouldn't answer.
And Maer was out there. Somewhere. Injured, captured, alone.
I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him going down, blood on his face, telling me to go. Heard the fighting behind us as we ran. The silence after.
Joss found me standing at the window near dawn, watching the city wake.
"You need to rest," he said.
"I can't."
"Ryn, you're no good to anyone if you collapse."
"I'm no good to anyone locked in here while Maer—" My voice broke. I pressed my palm against the glass, cold and unyielding. "We left him, Joss."
"We had no choice."
"There's always a choice. We could've fought harder. Could've—"
"Could've died. All three of us." He moved to stand beside me. "Maer told you to go because he knew what mattered. The invasion. The thousands of lives. He made his choice."
"And now he's paying for mine."
Joss was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "When we get him back—"
"If we get him back."
"When," he insisted. "When we get him back, you can apologize. You can carry all the guilt you want. But right now, we need to focus on finding him."
A knock at the door interrupted us. A guard entered, followed by Sael.
He looked exhausted, his clothes rumpled, dark circles under his eyes. But there was something sharp in his expression. Purpose.
"I found him," he said.
My heart stopped. "Where?"
"Merchant district. A warehouse owned by a shell company that traces back to House Merent. They're holding him there with two other prisoners they picked up during the crackdown."
"How did you—"
"I'm a great house son, remember? I know people who know people. I called in favors, made threats, paid bribes. It took all night, but I found him." He pulled out a folded map and spread it on the table. "Here. Three streets south of the river market. Two-story building, barred windows, at least six guards visible from the outside."
"When do we move?" Joss asked.
"Tonight. After dark. I've arranged for men, weapons, a route in and out that avoids the main patrol areas."
"I'm coming," I said immediately.
"You can't." Sael pointed to the door. "You're under palace guard. If you leave this room, they'll stop you. And if you fight your way out, the Emperor will consider it proof you're guilty."
"I don't care—"
"Yes, you do. Because if the Emperor decides you're a threat, he'll lock you up somewhere you'll never escape from. And then there's no one left to stop the invasion." Sael's voice was hard. "Maer needs rescuing. But the realm needs you. You have to let Joss handle this."
I looked at Joss. He nodded slowly.
"I'll bring him back," Joss said. "I promise."
Every instinct screamed at me to refuse. To fight my way out of this room, storm the warehouse myself, put a blade through anyone who'd hurt Maer.
But Sael was right. If I ran now, I'd lose everything. The Emperor's tentative trust. The investigation. The chance to stop thousands of deaths.
Maer had told me to go because the mission mattered more than one life.
I had to trust that Joss could finish what I'd started.
"Bring him back," I said, my voice rough. "Whatever it takes."
"I will." Joss clasped my shoulder. "Hold together, Ryn. Just a little longer."
He left with Sael, and I was alone again with the guards and the waiting.
The hours crawled past like years.
I tried to rest. Couldn't. Tried to review the evidence we'd compiled. Couldn't focus. Every sound in the hallway made me turn, hoping it was news.
Nothing.
By evening, I was pacing again, wearing a path in the expensive carpet, my hand never far from my sword even though there was no one to fight.
The sun set. The city lights came on, thousands of them, spreading across Cerasis like stars.
Somewhere out there, Joss was moving. Sael's men were in position. The rescue was happening.
And I could do nothing but wait.
I thought about Maer. About the first time we'd met, blood on his hands, offering to bandage my wounds. The way he'd looked at me by the campfire, firelight catching in his eyes. The warmth of his hand in mine during watch. The kiss on my knuckles. The frustration and love in his voice when he'd told me I was worth saving.
If he died because of my choices, because I'd pushed too hard, ignored warnings, dragged him into a conspiracy he'd never asked to fight...
I didn't finish the thought. Couldn't.
The door opened.
I spun, hand on my sword, and saw Edrin. He entered alone, closing the door behind him, and I saw something I hadn't expected in his expression.
Concern.
"I heard Joss left with Sael's men," he said. "Rescue operation?"
"Yes."
"For the scout. Maer."
"Yes."
Edrin crossed to the side table and poured two glasses of wine. He offered me one. I didn't take it.
"You care about him," Edrin said. It wasn't a question.
"He's one of mine. Of course I care."
"No. I mean you care about him." He set the glass down. "The way you look when someone says his name. The way you've been standing at that window for hours. You're not just worried about losing a soldier. You're worried about losing him."
I didn't answer.
"And yet you refused him," Edrin continued. "Refused whatever he offered you. Because the mission mattered more."
"How do you know—"
"I know because I've been watching you, Ryn. Trying to understand what drives someone to sacrifice so completely." He moved closer, his voice soft. "You love him. And you chose duty over him anyway. Just like you'll choose duty over everything else, no matter who it costs."
"Why are you here, Edrin?"
"Because I wanted you to know that when he comes back—if he comes back—you'll have to look him in the eye and live with what you chose. And I wanted to see if you'd break."
"I won't."
"I know. That's what terrifies me about you." He picked up his wine and drank. "You'll watch everyone you care about fall, and you'll keep walking forward, and you'll tell yourself it was worth it. Even when you're standing alone in the ashes."
"Get out."
"In a moment." He set down the glass and met my gaze. "One more thing. When this is over, when we've stopped the invasion and you've proven your conspiracy, my father will make you an offer. Imperial Warden. Real authority. The power to actually change things."
"I know."
"And I'll make you an offer too. Stay with me. Not as a Warden, but as something more. Someone who shares my life, my bed, my future. Someone who doesn't have to be alone."
"I've already refused you."
"You refused before you'd lost everyone. Before you'd seen what choosing duty actually costs." He stepped closer, close enough that I could feel his warmth. "When you're standing in this room after Maer leaves, after Sael is gone, after everyone who tried to save you has given up, remember that I offered you something different. And remember that you said no."
"I'll still say no."
"We'll see." He walked to the door and paused. "For what it's worth, I hope Joss succeeds. I hope your scout comes back alive. Because I want you to have the chance to refuse him properly. To watch him leave knowing it was your choice."
He left before I could respond.
I stood alone, his words echoing in the silence, and wondered if he was right.
If I'd keep walking forward until there was no one left beside me.
If duty was worth the price I was paying.
Then I pushed the thoughts away and went back to the window.
Because wondering didn't change anything.
And the mission still mattered more than my comfort.
They returned just after midnight.
I heard the commotion in the hallway first. Footsteps, urgent voices, someone shouting for a physician. I threw open the door, guards be damned, and saw them.
Joss, blood-spattered but standing. Sael, supporting a man on his left. And two of Sael's soldiers carrying a third man between them.
Maer.
He was conscious but barely, his face a mask of bruises and blood, one arm hanging wrong, his breath coming in short gasps. When he saw me, something flickered in his eyes. Relief. Pain. Something else I couldn't name.
"Inside," Sael said. "Quickly. Before the whole palace knows."
They brought Maer into the suite and laid him on the bed. A physician arrived moments later, palace servants behind him with supplies. I stood frozen, watching as they worked, cutting away his bloodied shirt, cleaning wounds, setting his arm with movements that made him bite back screams.
Joss found me standing by the window, staring but not seeing.
"It was close," he said quietly. "Six guards like Sael said. But they had two more inside we didn't know about. We fought our way in, got Maer and the other prisoners out, but they called reinforcements. We barely made it clear."
"Is he going to live?"
"The physician says yes. He's beaten up, broken arm, cracked ribs, but nothing fatal. He'll recover." Joss paused. "Physically."
I looked at him. "What does that mean?"
"It means they worked him over, Ryn. Asking questions. Trying to make him talk. He didn't, but..." Joss glanced at the bed. "He's not the same man we left behind. You'll see."
The physician finished and stood, wiping his hands. "He needs rest. Days of it. No movement, no stress. He's lucky to be alive."
"Thank you," I said.
The physician left, taking his assistants with him. Sael's men departed quietly. And then it was just us. Me, Joss, Sael, and Maer lying pale and broken on the bed.
"I'll give you privacy," Sael said. "But Ryn, you should know. They'll ask questions. The palace guard, the ministers, they'll want to know how we found him, who we fought, what authority we had for a rescue operation."
"Let them ask."
"It could complicate things. Make the Emperor doubt your intentions."
"I don't care. We got Maer back. That's what matters."
Sael nodded and left. Joss followed, closing the door softly behind him.
I stood by the bed, looking down at Maer. His breathing was steadier now, the physician's work doing its job. His eyes were closed, but I could see the tension in his jaw, the way his good hand clenched and unclenched.
"Maer," I said quietly.
His eyes opened. Focused on me. And I saw what Joss had meant.
There was something broken behind those eyes. Not his body. His spirit.
"Ryn," he said, his voice rough. "You came."
"I couldn't. I was under guard. Joss and Sael—"
"I know. I heard them talking. You sent them." He tried to sit up, winced, settled back. "Thank you."
"I should've been there. Should've come myself."
"No. You did the right thing." He closed his eyes. "You always do the right thing. Even when it hurts."
I pulled a chair close and sat, taking his good hand in mine. It was cold, trembling slightly.
"What did they do to you?" I asked.
"Nothing I didn't survive." He opened his eyes again. "They wanted to know what you knew. What evidence you had. Who you were working with. I didn't tell them anything."
"Maer—"
"I didn't tell them because I knew you'd finish this. With or without me. You don't stop, Ryn. You never stop." His fingers tightened around mine. "And that's why I can't stay."
The words hit like a blade.
"What?"
"I can't stay," he repeated. "Not in Cerasis. Not with you. Not in this." He looked at me, and his eyes were full of sorrow. "I love you. Gods, I love you so much it's killing me. But I can't watch you destroy yourself anymore. And I can't be the reason you hesitate when you shouldn't."
"You're not—"
"I am. Every time you look at me, I see you wondering if you made the right choice. If saving the mission was worth leaving me behind. And the answer is yes, Ryn. It was. But I can't live with being the cost of your duty."
"Don't do this."
"I have to. For both of us." He pulled his hand free, the gesture gentle but final. "When I'm well enough to travel, I'm leaving. Going back to the frontier. Back to places where I can help people without watching them sacrifice everything."
"Maer, please—"
"We'll talk tomorrow. After I've rested. After you've had time to think." He closed his eyes. "But the answer won't change, Ryn. I'm leaving. And you're going to let me go. Because you know it's what we both need."
I wanted to argue. Wanted to beg him to stay. Wanted to promise I'd change, that I'd choose him, that duty could wait.
But the words wouldn't come.
Because he was right.
I stood slowly, released his hand, and walked to the door.
"Rest," I said. "We'll talk tomorrow."
He didn't answer.
I left the room and found Joss waiting in the hall.
"He's leaving," I said quietly.
Joss nodded. "I know."
"I'm losing him."
"You lost him the moment you chose the mission over going back for him. He's just making it official."
"I didn't have a choice."
"You did. You always have a choice, Ryn. You just keep choosing the same thing." Joss put a hand on my shoulder. "And maybe that's who you are. Maybe that's who you have to be. But you can't expect people to stay when you keep choosing duty over them."
He walked away, leaving me alone in the hallway.
I stood there, the weight of it settling over me like snow.
Maer was leaving.
And I was going to let him go.
Because the mission still mattered more.
Because thousands of lives depended on me finishing what I'd started.
Because I didn't know how to be anything else.
I went back to my room, closed the door, and stood at the window looking out at the city.
Two days until the invasion.
Two days to prove I was right.
And then Maer would leave, and I'd be alone with the choice I'd made.
I pressed my forehead against the glass and whispered into the darkness.
"I'm sorry."
But sorry didn't change anything.
It never did.