William gave him a small smile. "I hope you don't mind if I keep you company."
"Not at all."
Alex made room on the bed. The mage set the tray with two bowls and some warm bread down on the mattress, then sat beside him.
"Are you tired, Your Highness?"
"Just a little thoughtful."
"If you'd like something to drink, I can bring you some beer or wine."
"I'm fine."
William handed him the bowl, and for a while they both stayed silent, busy sipping a soup made of chickpea, lentils, and potatoes.
Alex liked those intimate moments. That was also why he was increasingly convinced he felt something for the mage. He had never wanted to eat soup in bed with any of his previous lovers.
William cleared his throat. "It must not be easy for you."
"What do you mean?"
"You can't drink anymore or… have fun. And it's my fault."
"I do miss drinking a bit, if I'm being honest."
"Did you miss being with someone too?"
"A little, but I would have stopped with my affairs anyway. Our bond just sped things up."
"So have you decided to get married?"
"No. But I'm courting you, and I wouldn't look at anyone else."
William raised an eyebrow and nibbled at the bread. "You're more faithful than I would have guessed."
Alex chuckled. "You have a very poor opinion of me."
"I'm just teasing you. I don't really think that." The mage's expression grew serious. "Are you sure you're fine with this situation?"
"Yes. Don't worry about me."
Alex set his empty bowl back on the tray, took William's as well, and moved everything onto the dresser. He lay back down on the bed and turned toward the mage, who had opened a book and was reading it, lost in it.
"Is that still today's novel?"
"Yes."
"Can I read it with you?"
"If you start reciting the lewd parts, I swear I'll push you out of bed."
"I'll behave."
Alex moved closer and rested his head on William's thighs. From that position he wouldn't read a single word, but he liked being there.
William sighed. "Your Highness, was that an excuse to lie on my lap?"
"Maybe. I am a spoiled prince, right?"
"You certainly look like one right now."
"Has anyone ever told you your legs are comfortable?"
"No, never."
The mage went back to reading. Every now and then his fingers brushed Alex's cheek or neck, and Alex's heart skipped a beat every time.
He had fallen in love with him; there was no denying it. If it were only physical attraction, he wouldn't yearn for moments like these, so much like those of a couple. He wanted to see him happy more than he wanted to make love to him.
"May I…" He cleared his throat. "May I know what it's about?"
"Are you now interested?"
In truth, he had discovered he loved the sound of his voice.
William hesitated for a moment, then closed the book.
"It's about a duke who frees a foreign slave. By buying him, of course. But once he brings him to his palace, instead of abusing him, he gives him fine clothes and food, and he tends to his wounds."
"Doesn't sound bad."
"But in return he wants him to become his lover."
"Oh." Alex frowned and glared at him. "So this duke isn't all that kind and altruistic."
"He's a man of power. He expects to get something in return."
"I would never do that. I would free him and restore his dignity, but I would never ask for anything in return. And I'm a prince."
"In the end, though, the duke falls in love."
"But what is that relationship based on? Blackmail? Did the slave really choose, or was he pressured?" Alex pouted. "I can't believe Myrina reads this stuff."
"Reality isn't all that different. Take our relationship. If the King hadn't forced us to work together at Astya, I would have gone back north and you would have chosen another mage."
"But I didn't blackmail you."
"But I didn't really have a choice. The King summoned me, and I came."
Alex swallowed and sat up. "Will, do you—do you not like being with me?"
William gave a small smile and caressed his cheekbone. "Of course I do. But that doesn't change the fact that circumstances put us on the same path."
"But it wasn't blackmail."
"No. It wasn't."
Alex brushed William's hand. "Will, if I were the duke in that novel, I would have done everything to make him feel better."
"But you're not the duke, Your Highness. You're much more like the slave."
"And who would the duke be?"
"Me, I suppose." William looked at him with a detached expression. "I'm not the good man you think I am. If I had fewer wounds, I would have already brought you to your knees."
"Maybe that's what I want."
"But it's not what you should do." The mage looked away. "If I begged you to abandon the crown for me, would you do it?"
Alex parted his lips. Would he? He felt constrained by that role, and all he wanted was to run away. And if William offered him an escape, why not take it?
But it would also mean abandoning his family, and he loved his parents and his siblings.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?" William murmured. "If I were more like Reyne, by now I'd already have your heart in my hands."
"But you're not like him."
"How do you know?"
"Because I've seen you in pieces, and I know it wasn't an act. Because even if I can't read you, I understand that you're suffering. And because I know you're a good man, William." He caressed his cheek. "What's gotten into you tonight?"
William shook his head slightly. "Nothing. I've just realized that I shouldn't have let you get this close to me. You're making me live a dream, but before long we'll both have to wake up."
"I don't care. I need this." Alex brushed his lips with a thumb. "Let me do it, please. At least until we get home, let me kiss your wounds."
It was a selfish request, but he needed it. He needed him, and everything he felt when William was at his side. His caresses and kisses, and even his sharp reprimands.
William closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. "Very well. Do as you wish."
It was a bitter surrender, yet Alex's heart raced all the same.
"Thank you," he murmured.
For a long moment, the prince wished that could be his everyday life. Eating together, sleeping side by side. Watching him read, then insisting on blowing out the candle and dragging him under the blankets.
Loving each other until they grew exhausted.
But for now, that was only a beautiful dream.
He lay on his side and wrapped his arms around William's waist.
"Have you ever read a novel where a slightly foolish prince falls in love with a beautiful foreign mage?"
William hesitated. "No. But I have read one about a brave prince and a cruel mage."
"I bet the mage isn't really cruel. I bet he's lonely."
"And does he kidnap the prince to have some company?"
"Or maybe it's the prince who goes to him to keep him company." Alex smiled. "Maybe the prince knows the mage isn't truly cruel and wants to help him heal."
"That would be a rather boring story."
"The sex scenes could be interesting."
William blushed and looked away. "I prefer the ones where they try to kill each other from their very first meeting. And where… the relationships aren't always consensual."
Alex caressed his hand and swallowed his own pain. "Doesn't that hurt you?"
"No. It makes me think that maybe I'm not the only one it's happened to. And that maybe it isn't true that I deserved it."
"And outside of stories… is that what you're looking for?"
"If I told you yes, would you think I was mad?"
"No, I… I'd just think you're lying to yourself."
It was clear that the mage was looking for someone who would make him feel safe and take care of his wounds. The fact that he read stories of violence had to be his way of coping with the trauma and feeling less wrong.
"Your Highness, whatever happens, never change. Remain the good and kind man you are."
Alex's heart sped up in his chest. "I won't change. I promise you."
--------------------------------------
William closed the book and lowered his gaze to the prince's face. He had been asleep for quite some time now, his breathing steady, his parted lips inviting a kiss.
William caressed his cheekbone, the sun-kissed skin and the golden-blond locks that framed his face. He looked like a small sun, and William felt uneasy sharing a bed with him.
That was not his place, and it never would be. Because of his selfishness, they were living a dream that would never come true.
He set the book on the bedside table and got out of bed. He drew a dagger and looked once more at the sleeping prince. So radiant, and yet William was already contaminating him.
If only there were a way to break that bond and set him free.
He climbed back onto the mattress and leaned over the prince, the dagger clenched in one hand. The only way was to kill him and die as well. They would both be free, only to return to dust.
William couldn't do that to him.
He was nothing but a selfish coward who wanted the sun for himself, yet lacked the courage to snuff it out forever.
"Why do you look at me as if I were special? Why don't you hurt me like everyone else?"
William stroked his hair, humming an old Xianese lullaby his mother had taught him. Then he kissed his nose and his lips, and wished he were anyone else but himself.
If he had been noble, if he had been Vellarian, if he had been a woman, then perhaps he could have had the prince all to himself. If he hadn't been raped, he would have had enough courage to become his, even if only for a brief time. At least for one night, he would have held his sun in his palms.
Instead, he couldn't, but he had still decided to involve him in a selfish request.
He was just a manipulative coward.
"I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person."
William lowered his gaze to the blade, then sighed and put it away. That night, he would try to resist.
He lay down beside the prince and pulled him close. His warm breath brushed William's ear and drove the shadows from his heart. The feeling of filth that clung to his skin every time someone touched him receded, leaving behind only a vague sense of nausea.
"I'm just a cruel mage who doesn't deserve your kindness." He pressed his forehead to the prince's neck. "But I'm grateful to you all the same for always saving me."
The following day they set off again, and the rest of the journey passed quickly.
William put a bit of distance between them again. He had been wrong to let the prince get that close, and now he no longer knew how to return to the way things were before he ruined everything with that stupid kiss in the cave.
All he felt was terror at losing control over what was happening between them.
The prince, for his part, seized every excuse to court him and coax a smile from him. One morning he even handed him a small bouquet of wildflowers, which made William blush deeply.
Those small attentions made him feel happy and loved, and despite his resolve to keep him at a distance, he ended up seeking the comfort of his arms and his kisses.
On the seventh day of travel, the carriage reached the gates of Narea, and the idyll Alex and William had been living drowned in a world of duties and intrigues.