Alex reached out to touch his shoulder, but William jerked away sharply.
"How dare you? Who do you think you are, interfering like that?"
"You were in danger, Will. He was going to hurt you. I couldn't just stand by and watch."
"Maybe that's what I wanted! Maybe I wanted him to hurt me!" The mage shoved him away. "Maybe I wanted him to rape me, because that's what I deserve."
"Don't talk like that. No one deserves to be abused."
"I do!" William shouted. "I deserve it! Because I'm filthy, because my body is disgusting and I can't deserve anything better." His shoulders trembled. "I'm unworthy. I'm filthy. I'm nothing but disgusting. You ruined everything. This is all your fault."
"William, please, calm down. Talk to me."
William was about to break down again, and this time Alex was certain he wouldn't recover.
The mage recoiled, wrapped his arms around himself, and his gaze grew desperate.
"I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He turned his back on him and fled the room.
Alex clenched his fists as helplessness sank its teeth into his gut. He wanted to do more, but he didn't know how.
William was clearly not himself. He hadn't reacted—perhaps he had even sought out that situation to punish himself for whatever he thought he deserved.
He didn't even seem like the cold, efficient mage who had fought at his side at Astya anymore. He had become a ghost of himself, and that downward spiral had begun when he broke down in his arms outside the brothel.
And maybe it really was his fault. Maybe it had been his actions that had broken William.
He rubbed his forehead.
"Enough. Calm down. Think clearly."
He was the only one who could handle the situation—but what was he supposed to do? He had never been in anything like this before.
What would his father have done in his place? Would he have gone after William, or confronted the merchant in front of everyone?
Probably the latter, but Alex wasn't like him. Right now, his priority was making sure the mage was safe.
Helping him get better would come later.
"I need to find Ian and Sven."
He headed back toward the hall and intercepted the two soldiers just as they were leaving.
"Your Highness! Did something happen?"
"The merchant tried to force himself on him."
"Where is William?"
"I don't know." Alex rubbed his forehead. "He yelled at me, accused me of ruining everything, and ran off."
Ian frowned, but the prince shook his head.
"He's not well. He wasn't himself. I saw it—he was…" He hesitated, took a breath. "Trust me. We need to find him."
"How do we proceed?" Sven asked.
"Ian, go get the others and order them to comb the palace. Discreetly. Work in pairs and divide the areas so nothing gets overlooked. Sven, you're coming with me."
Ian nodded and hurried off, leaving him alone with the captain.
"Your Highness, are you all right?"
"I don't know. Seeing him standing there, frozen, while that slimy sack of shit was seconds away from raping him made me furious. And scared."
Sven frowned. "Why didn't you follow him?"
"I… I hesitated. When he got angry with me, I thought maybe I shouldn't have interfered." Alex ran his fingers through his hair. "I feel like a monster. I shouldn't have hesitated. I should have been more present, more protective. Taken better care of him."
"It's not your fault. You did your best, and you're only human."
"I told Cox that if he touched him, I'd kill him." A bitter laugh escaped his lips. "He'll make me pay for it. Even the governor will try to use William against me. I'm putting him in danger, and it's all my fault."
If he was a better prince, he wouldn't let his own subjects treat him like that.
Sven squeezed his shoulder. "One step at a time, Your Highness. First we find William and make sure he's all right. We'll think about the merchant and the governor later."
"Yes, you're right." Alex took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "William is our priority."
"Where should we start?"
"I don't know, I…" He bit his lip. "Maybe I have an idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------
William closed the door of his room behind him and tore his jacket off. He needed air, but he couldn't breathe.
And he needed control, yet it kept slipping through his fingers.
Everything was wrong. He was wrong. His body was wrong. The prince should not have intervened, and William should never have reacted that way.
It was his fault—he was contaminating Alex. His presence was soiling him, staining the light that had once shone within him. William was destroying him simply by being at his side, and everything was wrong.
He was wrong.
"It's my fault. It's all my fault."
He needed to purify himself, to regain the little control he had left. If not for himself, then at least for the prince. For his sake.
He stripped off his shirt and trousers with trembling hands and retrieved the dagger from his luggage. He sank to the floor in front of the mirror, and the reflection showed him the face of a man who deserved nothing but pain.
He pressed the blade against the inside of his thigh. A thin red line welled from the wound and trickled down his pale skin.
William drew a breath and forced himself to watch the blood slide out of his body. He felt nothing, but maybe, soon, it would start to hurt.
It usually worked.
He made more cuts, on his thighs, his abdomen, his forearms. The places where cruel hands had grabbed him. He watched the blood stain his skin, watched his reflection in the mirror, but felt nothing.
Neither the burning of the wounds nor the pain of flesh splitting open reached him.
Why couldn't he feel anything anymore? Why had his body stopped belonging to him?
Maybe he should have let the merchant rape him. Maybe, if he felt that pain again, he would start to feel something. To fill the void that had opened in his chest.
He let the dagger fall, bent forward, and brought his hands between his legs.
Maybe that kind of pain was the only thing his body understood.
He pushed two fingers inside, without a lover's gentleness, and the burning sensation flooded him.
Relief crashed over him, and the first tears slid down his cheeks. He was feeling something—maybe he wasn't broken. Maybe he just had to pretend someone was using his body again.
He moved his fingers violently, in and out, because all he wanted to feel was pain.
Pain gave him his body back.
It hurt, and it was like three years earlier, in that dim classroom amid the desks. With cruel hands gripping his arms and thighs. With the same shame and the same guilt.
Back then it had been his fault, right? Because he had trusted and hadn't been able to resist. They had taken his body because he had let them.
Because he was just a filthy, broken man, who had wanted too much and had been punished.
He had wanted the sun—but who was he to desire it? Who was he to receive those looks and those kisses?
Blood dripped down his fingers. In the end, he had managed to hurt himself there too.
How much blood had he lost? But did it matter? If he were to die from blood loss, the prince would be free of his influence.
Maybe William would even prevent him from truly falling in love with him and giving up the crown.
A bitter laugh scraped his throat. He was so rotten that he had bewitched a prince's heart. And if he didn't stop, he would drag him toward disaster.
The door flew open.
"William!"
The prince froze on the threshold.
William pulled his fingers out, straightened his back, and looked at him. He let shame and guilt take root in his heart, let them smother even the relief of finally being caught while inflicting pain on himself.
He let the prince look at him and see the blood still dripping from his wounds and smeared across his right hand. Let him recognize the monster before him—the broken, filthy man he truly was.
William would lose his sun, but the prince would keep shining, no longer dimmed by his dark shadow.
He waited for the prince's disgust to crash over him through the bond, but felt only a dull fear and so much—too much—sadness.
Alex closed the door behind him, his eyes fixed on William. He stepped closer, his hands trembling.
"Will… you're not alone. I'm here. For you." He knelt before him and reached out a hand. "I won't leave you."