So, comes the next day, where Homeless Man, a 40-year old stupid wannabe thug and Richard, another stupid 40-year old wannabe thug, but clinically insane, were squatting in that unsold home, ready to make the intern that approved the two most obviously forged papers in world history pay for being almost as much of a dumbass as them two. Homeless Man was supposed to hit up the Real Hood Bank and claim of all of Jamal's assets and transfer One Bullet's assets to Richard too. Except, neither of them had a cellular device on them, and even a braindead malfunctioning handheld game console would guarantee you that Homeless Man wouldn't have took two steps in the Hood of Los Angeles before having all his blood cause a flood. (Shit, I rhymed) Richard would have been put in a mental institute if he was caught outside and the only cellular device Tony could use was a corded landline telephone. Yes, Homeless Man was that out of touch with reality, not just morally or logically, but also historically.
So, what does Homeless Man do? He drove his stolen Ford Model-T to where two actual thugs that were actually respectable were, and he tried to join them in raiding a retirement community, and, whattya know? It worked. It. Actually. Fucking. Succeeded. But to be fair, he did look respectable and at least try to appear to be resemble something of an actual thug. He showed up wearing a Lil Xan hoodie, who's a rapper, so that's something, I guess? And at least he was sagging jeans, not khakis like I thought he would. And the thugs actually let him on the raid. So, in short, the three thugs starting throwing Molotovs at the gate to blow it up, and while the wall surrounding the community and making the elderly feel safe was burning in flames, the first thug was throwing more Molotovs into windows of random buildings, including two homes, a cabin, and a chauffeur building that was constantly busy because only one citizen would have been allowed to drive 10 years ago. The second thug was a wielding a Glock in one hand and an Automag in another, shooting up anything that wasn't broken or completely destroyed or anyone who wasn't dead or dying. According to A Totally Reliable News Source, (it's up to you, reader, if you consider this sarcasm or not) a 85-year old veteran was killed by getting shot with the Glock 82 times after he his went out to yell at the second thug for shooting up his CRT TV while he was watching a Wheel of Fortune episode from 1975.
So what was Homeless Man doing, you ask? Well, he got an AK from the first thug and he was just trying to get headshots on elderly people, thinking he couldn't miss because he smuggled Pixel Gun and Fortnite into the Wish.com Ghetto. Of course he killed no one but everyone he was assigned to kill either jumped into the flames (it's called being senile or not being of sound mind and body, people) or were unfortunate enough to have a stray bullet from another thug's gunshots. After everyone was dead, Homeless Man and the thugs started stealing. The two actual thugs raided the homes that didn't go up in flames for cash, jewelry, and insurance settlements. Meanwhile, there was only one thing Homeless Man took to leave with. A corded, landline telephone.
Yes. A. Fucking. Corded. Landline. Telephone. I told ya that was the only cellular device Tony knew how to use. And when the real thugs saw what Tony brought with him, they laughed at him. One of them laughed so hard he almost got run over by a drunk abusive husband trying to play GTA VI in real life since the video game just refused to come out. But when Tony said he stole the telephone because he needed to hit up a bank to get rich, both of them actually went quiet and looked like they respected his decision. God, how the fuck does this senile dumbass keep getting away with it? I might have to step in as God just to kill Homeless Man and Richard and make sure the world didn't lose too much IQ.
So Homeless Man just propped the telephone on the first object he could and dialed the number of the Real Hood Bank. Then he got someone on the phone, used the information he used to get the forged papers, and tried to activate the papers. Fortunately for the world, he didn't get the same person that approved the papers and the other worker on the phone wasn't a complete dumbass, so she called Jamal and One Bullet, asking them if they really wanted to activate the transfer papers. And of course, both of them said fuck no as soon as they figured what the caller was asking them. The worker then got back to Homeless Man and told him that both people said the papers were fraud and as such, his account would get reported to the LAPD for fraud. Well, of course that pissed Homeless Man off so hard he hung up. Well, I supposed that of course Homeless Man would be pissed that he didn't get his way considering the fact he didn't have to even be afraid it would happen for the first 18 years of his goddamn life.
So what did Homeless Man do about the humbling he refused to accept? He just found some random-ass home, belonging to a man, his wife, and their 3 kids, and he threw the telephone right at the window. Also according to A Totally Reliable News Source, the telephone landed on the family's CRT TV and the TV exploded. (I don't know why they still have a CRT TV in 2023. Homeless Man is 40 years old at that point) A small fire did start, and the granddaughter's stuffed animal went up in flames. So, if you don't give a fuck, then move on to the next paragraph. But if you give a fuck and like foreshadowing, then a woman, her husband, and three kids were visiting her parents because, I don't know, to visit them, I guess? And the woman knew who almost killed her whole family, and she wanted blood now. That woman was Em Cordona, who did real estate in the Hood of Los Angeles so she knew how to beat Homeless Man's little delusional ass if she wanted to.
And now Homeless Man, in his utter fury, drove his stolen Ford Model-T back to the house he and Richard were illegally occupying because he wanted Richard to know what happened, and probably go death-threaten Jamal and One Bullet into giving them everything of their own, only to get instantly laughed at and turned away. Although Homeless Man and Richard thought the last part would never happen. And boy, what a fucking surprise Homeless Man was in for.
What Homeless Man saw wasn't just the house. He saw a parade of police cars, half a dozen SWAT vans, at least 2 dozen police dogs, 2 police helicopters, and almost one fucking hundred policemen surrounding the unsold home trying to restrain a shirtless, drunk-acting Richard. What was Richard doing, you ask? Well, he went from speaking keyboard spam for a few minutes to screaming about having rights for a few minutes to attacking as many people as he could for a few minutes. Yeah, someone put this dumbfuck in a mental health institute. Then came the last straw for all the policemen.
He bit. And because he was never of sound body and mind, he didn't bite a person, not even a dog. He tried to bite the pavement. And to minimize IQ loss, all the policemen gathered and shot Richard. In the skull. All at once. 53 headshots. Right in the skull. To kill Richard and bring the world's collective IQ up by 8 points.
And what does Homeless Man do after seeing his best friend get horrifically killed? If you said that he cried, mourned his friend, tried to attack the police officers for what they did to Richard, or even he hid until the police left to recover Richard's body should it still be there, you just gave the most incorrect answer in the history of incorrect answers. No, he didn't do anything a half-decent human being would've done if they had even the slightest amount of empathy. He ran away like a little pussy to the Hood of Los Angeles, thinking he was a real one, and was about to completely forget the name Richard. Apparently, Homeless Man really had no actual friends, because he didn't give half a fuck about the one person who actually cared about him. Ah shit, I'm starting to feel bad for Richard. Maybe he wasn't a terrible person. He was just easily influenced by Homeless Man to do horrible things, only for Homeless Man to exploit him and play him when he needed him the most. Oh wait, Homeless Man's going to the hood you say? Well, time for karma to commit vehicular manslaughter against him. And finally, the world won't have to worry about stupidity rapidly spreading and making everyone and everything extinct from being braindead.
I don't know whether to say unfortunately or fortunately but Homeless Man was forced out off the Hood and to be in the Fake Hood of Los Angeles. All because of the Hood of Los Angeles's mantra:
"A man who can't even defend himself on a computer is nothing more than a pebble in the hood"
After seeing that shit, Homeless Man didn't go in. Well, I suppose at least he was self-aware about something.
However, Homeless Man unfortunately found his one and only way to get permission to exist in the Hood of Los Angeles. He could start a gang, but it wasn't like he could grab a handful of pebbles and call himself a gang leader and the pebbles members. No, the Hood had actual standards and weren't a bunch of complete dumbasses. In fact, you needed to have at least a high school diploma and an IQ of 90, otherwise, it was illegal for you to be in the Hood. So, what did Homeless Man have to do? Well, first, he needed members. Actual living, breathing, respectable human beings, not 4 raisins and 3 peanuts. And second, he needed money, and it was common knowledge you'd need something resembling intelligence to get money.
But Homeless Man was probably going to try getting the money first because unless you could intimidate others, (which Homeless Man could never do no matter how "real" he thought he was) he wasn't about to get any members any time soon, especially since convincing someone to join you also included not being an absolute dickheaded jackass for at least 15 seconds. At least when Homeless Man had money, not only could he try to pay off The Association, (they're the ones that approve gangs to exist in the Hood) he also had the option to bribe random people to pretend to be his "gang members".
Homeless Man didn't commit any crimes for money because if any rational human being saw him, his body would be bloodless by the time any police officers knew. So he did something most human beings would do if they need money. And so he made his journey to the unemployment office, more specifically the Unemployment Office in the Hood of Los Angeles. I'm actually glad he chose the Hood Unemployment Office. The longer he's in the hood, the faster he'll be seeing God and the faster I'll quit hating my life.
Homeless Man walked in to the Unemployment Office (he wasn't killed yet) and at the desk was Claudine, and her graying hair and wrinkled face screamed "The government increased my minimum age of retirement by 10 years".
Claudine(CLA): "Just give me your damn resume so I don't have to be reminded people like you exist any longer."
And so Homeless Man slid his resume to Claudine, which was just as dumb and idiotic as one could imagine. Let me show you (it's all in red crayon, by the way):
________________________________________________________________________________
RESUME:
Name: Anthony "Tony" Davis Stevenson
DOB: 5/23/1983
SKILLS:
Real one
True gangster
Tough guy
Untouchable
EDUCATION:
Davis-Stevenson High School
Real Thug Academy
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Realest man ever
Gets all the girls
Friends with everyone in school
Most intelligent man ever
________________________________________________________________________________
Okay, most of this shit should be self-explanatory bullshit. But if you actually believe Homeless Man's resume is legitimate. But about his skills, Homeless Man is a coward, which discredits everything he listed as a skill. And about the education, yes, he went to Davis-Stevenson High School (it was named after his parents, because what else would it be named after?), but Real Thug Academy was a Discord server ran by a former thug named 'DatAK' turned family man, but Homeless Man (a.k.a RealThug69, his Discord alias) wasn't in the server. In fact, DatAK ordered every one of the Real Thug Academy's members to block the RealThug69 account on Discord because Homeless Man was spamming every important person's DMs with the most empty threats in the history of empty threats to get access to the Real Thug Academy server. And his "accomplishments"? It's Homeless Man talking, so we all know by now anything that comes out of that asshole he calls his mouth.
Claudine knew that Homeless Man's resume was just a big load of bullshit, and she was not fucking around.
Claudine: "Sir, be grateful I'm even calling you sir, your resume is so pathetic you aren't ever eligible for minimum wage. You're not even eligible to earn 1 Monopoly dollar a year. Now get the fuck out of my face because I've worked too hard to have such a disgrace right in front of my fucking eyes."
And Homeless Man left, but not before making empty threats against Claudine saying "you'll regret not obeying the realest man ever". And of course, Claudine wasn't fazed in the slightest.
Homeless Man's next stop? McDuck's, the Temu McDonald's, run by One Bullet's son, Stephon Escobar. But Homeless Man wasn't there to demand a job. He was going to demand something more, something so self-righteous you won't believe the nerve of this man.
Homeless Man walks into McDuck's building, gets Stephon Escobar, then demands...
Homeless Man(HM): "Give me everything your father owns this instant. His house, his car, all of his assets. I'm a real one and you know it."
Stephon Escobar(SE): "Who the fuck let you out of the mental hospital?"
HM: "Obey me this instant. Don't make me."
SE: "Well, I'll have you know my dad is a gang leader and drug dealer. Wanna know anything else?"
HM: (starting to leave) "You'll regret ever questioning me when I control the world with the most dangerous gang ever. I'm already the realest man ever, I just need the power."
And of course Homeless Man fled back to the Fake Hood of Los Angeles, because that's what he always did in the face of potentially facing the consequences of his actions, oh, and Homeless Man didn't die, goddamn it.