Now let's take a look back at the state of our world. First, two people who somehow alone make the world's collective IQ in the negative triple digits started a gang. Then the FBI failed to get a single member of that group (first try is not a valid excuse). Then they were pushed to contact their #1 on the Most Wanted (Jose 'One Bullet' Escobar) just to try ending them. Did The Re4lDe4l know they were being spied on? Maybe yes, maybe no. Did they care? No, of course. (Either because of oblivion, somehow having the intellectual capacity to catch on to the fact the FBI would inevitably fail in anything they tried, or because of their own delusions)
Anyway, they came to a realization. They haven't committed any crimes yet. (either in the world's reality or their reality) And these idiots may not have the brain function to realize they aren't that fucking special (or special at all in any way other than special education), but they did have the brain function to know that you can't call yourself a gang if you don't do crimes.
So let me introduce you to an art only known as 'Making a Mockery Out of Crime'.
How to make a mockery out of:
SHOPLIFTING:
Ah yes, why don't we start with a crime that anyone from a barely-audible toddler to the most serious mafia boss can commit, shoplifting. (No, I am not promoting shoplifting. This in entirely informational. Now let me speak and maybe give me my damn money too) The other part of it is that anything can be shoplifted, whether it be one candy bar, or 12,000 iPhones, it is quite a diverse area of crime. Alright, alright, I'll shut the fuck up and get to the part we've all been waiting for.
SCENE: The dumpster area in the back of an abandoned 7-Eleven (frequent drug deals also happen in the alleyways there)
CHARACTERS:
Cleveland and Richard
WHAT HAPPENED:
So Cleveland and Richard were giggling like two teenagers, then they both grabbed some expired donuts from the dumpster and started pleasuring (if you know, you know) themselves (especially Richard) with them. (Fuck it, they were using the donuts as sex toys) This unnamed incident would later be used in an article from The Guardian titled "If You Thought Public Education Doesn't Need More Funding, This Is Precisely Why You Are Objectively Wrong"
VANDALISM:
Y'know what? This crime doesn't deserve a movie-like introduction, so I'll just tell you that The Re4lDe4l members just went around searching for abandoned building and wrote "The Re4lDe4l is the best gang ever, it's true because I said so" on the walls. Greatest method ever of plummeting market value down by 99999999999999999% and making the owners permanently unable to sell.
LOITERING:
These bums were so shitty at crime that they didn't even know how to commit one of the most basic crimes ever. So what they did was try to download Sora on their one Commodore 64 (after failing at that, they decided to try the paper computer. After that failed, (Shocker) they just decided to use their "imagination") and watch an AI-generated video by a self-proclaimed 'blind toaster' that was in reality a plastic spork teaching how to squat (not as in illegally occupying someone's property but as in the exercise. No, this is not a late April Fool's prank)
UNDERAGE DRINKING:
In the original manuscript of the plot, this was relatively normal, so the author had to fix that and make it as braindead as the other scenes :).
So, to put it simply, all the Re4lDe4l members hand-blended their dumps (you know what I mean) together, put it in sippy cups, and handed them to Herbert, Bert, and Bradley. (Their members who, according to Richard, were over "2 and 1") And to hail stupidity, they all loved it. Bradley said it tasted like "chocolate milk" (Buddy must have been severely neglected as a child if he thinks that's chocolate milk.)
UNLICENSED DRIVING:
To make this as short as possible for your sanity, Cleveland made Richard drive him to a vape longue, despite the fact Richard was declared too mentally incompetent to get a license in his mother's first trimester of pregnancy.
CRYPTO SCAMS:
Homeless Man, our main character scribbled in crayon "one billion dollars" on a slip of paper then sold it on EBay listed as "a trillion dollars" for $1,000,000,000. The problem? It was so obviously Photoshopped (Yes, the slip got Photoshopped) it caused a baby to say "That is fake" when the mother almost fell for Homeless Bitch's little scam.
And last, but certainly not least (in terms of stupidity):
You know what? Your sanity's been pushed off a cliff so many fucking times you deserve a break. So you get to see Jose 'One Bullet' Escobar and his gang The Death Note pull off an actual crime normally. Also a little introduction and shit. (Also, I won't list the final crime... yet)
BACKGROUND: The Hood of Los Angeles
SCENE (a drug deal):
In the dark alleyways of The Hood stood what was a dangerous place. But unlike some of the shit you dear reader had to suffer from (I apologize for any braincells (which to be real, is probably a lot) you lost in the course of Homeless Man's actions. I was forced to document his life), what you are going to witness is not a braincell-eradicating version of a crime, but instead, an actual representation of a normal crime. (Again, I am not promoting crime. Now don't you fucking dare dox my entire bloodline, X) In this case, it's not going to be a petty crime, but instead, a drug deal.
There stood in the alleyway was a member of a real gang (The Death Note), not The Re4lDe4l (you really thought). Only identified as Byron, he was the second most notorious gangster in The Hood. (only behind his leader, Jose Escobar) In his 19 years of doing crime in The Hood, he's single-handedly run the most profitable extortion racket in California history, going as far as successfully extorting the second-most profitable extortion racket in California. He also managed to smuggle a gun so illegal using any of its materials is a death sentence in itself across to the edge of Maine, and also farmed millions off degenerates with an OnlyFans ring.
Now he was about to continue his very successful history of crime-committing with only his 12934th drug deal of his career. His goal? To get an degenerate's entire wallet (including 465 OnlyFans subscriptions) in exchange for a pound of an infusion of Columbian cocaine and meth. (You thought I was gonna say white sugar and baby powder, didn't you? (insert You Like Krabby Patties, Don't You Squidward meme) No, Byron wasn't after the OF subscriptions, but he'd be the first to pull it off if he succeeded.
And as such, Byron stood in the alleyway at 1:00 in the morning, the Columbian cocaine and meth infusion hidden inside a tote bag, (all good criminals must have good disguises. Again, for the raging people on X, I am not promoting crimes, so you don't get to leak my full name, home address, and SSN on Tea) waiting for only the 6448th degenerate he's seen in his whole-ass career to do business.
Then in a few minutes, the degenerate showed up. He was everything you'd think he was, a raging alcoholic, a guy who owned the virginity of at least 1000 cheating hoes, a deadbeat, absent father with multiple counts of unpaid child support, each an amount that would make an entire upper middle-class family die from shock value, an avid League of Legends and Genshin Impact player, also a Discord Mod and Redditor, and a former failed guest on My 600-Pound Life.
Degenerate(DEG): "WHERE ARE MY DAMN DRUGS?"
Byron(BY): "Give me your wallet first."
DEG: "WHERE ARE MY DAMN DRUGS?"
BY: "I said, give me your wallet first."
DEG: "GIVE ME MY DAMN DRUGS FIRST."
BY: "Give me your fucking wallet, then I'll give you your drugs."
DEG: "NO, GIVE ME MY DAMN DRUGS FIRST."
BY: "I'm the dealer, and you're the consumer, so my rules."
DEG: (trying to look tough but failing miserably, also as bad as Homeless Man) "NO, I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE, BECAUSE I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG."
BY: "Listen here, you little dumbass piece of shit, I'm the one dealing the drugs here, so you don't get to act like you have any authority over me."
DEG: "NO, I'M THE BEST PERSON EVER AND YOU'RE THE WORST PERSON EVER, SO I MAKE THE RULES."
BY: (menacingly) "Listen here, you little shit, I may be a terrible person, but you aren't any better than me. The difference between you and me is that at least I can own up to my faults, so shut the fuck up and do as I say or fuck off."
DEG: (keyboard spam)
BY: (Delivers a fatal shot in DEG's head with his Smith & Wesson Model 500) "He never paid any child support anyways. Like that'll mean shit" (chuckles but with no humor in his voice)
I'm terribly sorry, reader, but now you'll have to witness the final act of degrading crime from The Re4lDe4l
EXTORTION:
Basically Edgar demanding $1,286,059,792 in "protection money" from little Timmy with his poor quality lemonade stand and 4-year old girls playing "Restaurant".
After One Bullet caught him lacking, he realized he had no choice but to do everything in his power to end The Re4lDe4l once and for all.
"They're about to make a mockery of every gang, criminal organization, and even the smallest of friend groups."