Jones was not at all a flashy man. Sure, he was stable, a little rich even. He had a good job working with the government, getting paid $69 an hour (he was making 150 grand a year if you care ever so slightly). He had a car slightly nicer than the one a typical middle-class family would have. He had 2 sons, one about 10 years old in a good public school who seemed to be just like a normal kid (Not a nerd who spends all his free time studying, not some sports freak, and not a guy who spends every waking hour on CoolMathGames, just a mix of all three), and an infant who would probably have the same bright future. Sure, he didn't flaunt fancy cars and didn't send his kids to private school, but he was just a normal man.
Now, at this point, I'm sure you're asking: "How the fuck does this affect my life?"
Well, the man I just described to you was about to go through some of the hardest shit he had to do in his life.
One afternoon, Jones was just chilling with his 10-year old son, playing GTA V with him, when Buck kicked down the door so goddamn hard the door did a 360 and destroyed the part of the wall it slammed into.
Buck: "Jones, you're coming with me, and remember, my word is law here."
Jones: "Try me-"
Buck: "NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR INPUT, oh, and take the infant with you. We only provide care to children two or older."
Jones: "So, I have to take my infant son on a mission that will probably get him in either the ICU or dead-"
Buck: "JUST SHUT UP AND COME ALREADY, YOU'VE WASTED SO MUCH OF MY TIME ALREADY."
Jones: (laughs bitterly) "Wasting time? That's sure as fuck rich coming from a guy like you-"
Buck: (walks up to Jones and bitch-slaps him in the face, while Jones' infant son cries. Buck then speaks coldly in a low tone) "I thought I told you to come already, oh, and you kid-" (points at Jones' crying infant son) "You better pipe down or I'll give you something to cry about."
Jones: (takes his infant son and walks with Buck) "He's just a little kid. He doesn't have to blindly worship you."
If you're like Jones, at this point, you're probably wondering what the fuck Buck and his narcissistic ass wanted. Well, you're about to find out why Buck was being such a little bitch in the first place.
Buck: (getting to the lobby in his office) "Keep the kid there and come with me?"
Jones: "Fine, but if he destroys everything, that's entirely your fault" (puts his infant son down on one of the chairs)
Buck: "Again, my word is law here, so if your son even breathes too loudly in my lobby, you owe me whatever I want" (opens his office door and walks in)
(after Jones walks through the office door and closes it)
Buck: "Go take a seat on the floor, I spent the money I was supposed to spend on chairs on some V-Bucks
Jones: "If I can't sit in a chair, I'm standing."
Buck: "No you're not, remember, my word is law here, and always will be, so stop being a little bitch and sit down"
Jones: (grumbling) "Fine" (sits on the floor) "Now what the fuck is your problem?"
Buck: "What you're going to do is to go over to that McDonald's Island, find that prisoner who knows that hoe mom's location, and force that information out of him. If he won't do it willingly, you can take this glock." (throws glock at Jones) "Get his month-old daughter in your hands and hold it to her skull. The prisoner's way too much of a pussy to do anything but comply with any of your demands."
Jones: "Well, I am a human being with basic human rights, so I'm not gonna do that."
Buck: "Pussy."
(a few seconds)
Jones: "Well, if you're not a pussy, then why don't YOU do it?! Huh, tough guy?"
Buck: "Uhh, uhm, uhm, erm, uhm-"
Jones: "Of course you don't have a legitimate argument-"
Buck: "I know where you live."
(a few seconds)
Jones: "Of course you know where I live, you literally own this complex-"
Buck: "Oh, and I also have access to your search history, and it can't be deleted?"
Jones: "Well then, what's on my search history?"
Buck: (whispers Jones' search history back to him)
Jones: (gulps)
Buck: "That's what I thought, boy. Now be a real man and do the mission."
Jones: (walks out of the office and grabs his infant son) "Okay, fuck you."
Buck: "Fuck you too." (flips him off)
If you've been reading this chapter, you could tell that Jones is pissed. I mean, really pissed. In other words, he didn't wanna do the mission. But then he realized that meant he'd be just like the FBI. And by no means did he want to be a little pussy AND a failure at life. Maybe his ex-wife couldn't blow the judge for full custody and maximum alimony of their two sons despite being caught with five big buff black dudes which subsequently resulted in her getting zero custody or alimony at all, but she COULD get full custody if she could prove Jones was a little pussy- alright, enough of that monologue.
Meanwhile, somewhere in McDonald's Island, news broke out that someone was coming, for the purpose of kidnapping a resident for quote-on-quote "conspiracy theories". As such, one of the rulers paid a reporter (who was mostly a wannabe TikTok influencer) $20 in Clash of Clans gems to go find out what the fuck was going on.
After some "research" (bullshit, you just doomscrolled through TikTok for 37 consecutive hours and thought you were the reincarceration of Albert Einstein times a thousand), the reporter came back and came to her conclusion. After that happened, the one TV station available in McDonald's island brought in the reporter for the news.
News Anchor: "We don't know anything else nor do we care. Anyways, in other recent news, the reporter who was supposed find out about that guy who was gonna come here to kidnap one of our residents is here to share her findings."
Reporter: "Well, Roy, some fake tough guy came up with the bright idea to come here. But it's not for business, not for tourism, and definitely not here to stay. By using my big brain, I have come to the conclusion that this person is here because he wants to kidnap someone, for nothing more than a dire-needed ego boost. I don't know why exactly he wants to kidnap a person, but frankly, my time is better spent doxxing people I disagree with on Twitter."
News Anchor: "You heard her" (signs off air)
Well, after that broadcast, the island officials decided to start preparing the security measures.
First, they set up watchtowers. They propped up an inflatable kiddie pools on a stool and put up a ladder on each one to make it look real. They made four of those thingies to be exact. As for who had to hit trickshots and 360° no-scopes from the pools, the officials held the island gym hostage at a random time one day. They looked for who they though were the strongest, threw AK-47s at them and made them go up in the "watchtowers" where they would live until emergency shit cleared up. They'd get one slice of moldy bread and a cup of warm water (I mean like one of those tiny paper cups) a week for "rations". They'd be sleeping in the pools, and they apparently weren't worthy of pillows or blankets. As you might have guessed, they got absolutely no entertainment.
Next came the pilots. But what kind of pilots are they? Well, I'll give you a multiple-choice quiz:
1. Who are these pilots?
A. Big-brain people
B. Your mom (GET OU-)
C. Buffoons
D. Average people
2. What are their skills?
A. A lot
B. Some related stuff
C. Non-existent (because of course they are)
D. Some unrelated stuff
3. Are they licensed?
A. IDK, but nobody asked
B. Yes
C. FUCK NAH
D. Maybe yes, maybe no
4. What is their extent of their piloting knowledge?
A. Non-existent (yes, again)
B. Basic piloting skills
C. Somewhere in the negatives
D. Extensive Fortnite knowledge
5. What are they at life?
A. Pretty decent
B. Average or less
C. Failures
D. Successful
6. How many braincells do they combine for?
A. 100 or something
B. Infinity
C. Same as 2, but add a negative to the beginning
D. 2
7. What are their combined achievements?
A. Being successful at life
B. Being normal
C. Being failures at life
D. Being decent human beings
8. Finally, should these people have to right to exist?
A. Of course yes, they're just people
B. IDC
C. OFC NO
D. I ain't answering lil' bro
If you answered anything but C for any question, you're objectively wrong plus you're more braindead then all these pilots combined.
And to top it all off, an official forced an average resident to go to America. What for? This resident had to offer a high-ranking government official a $19 Fortnite card to shut down Burger King. The resident was being very stubborn at first, but the official threatened to upload the resident's search history with full name and IP attached as a stock image, and all of a sudden, the resident was very agreeable.
As such, the resident made his way to the United States by way of a Little Tikes Baby Boat. When he washed up on the coast of Maine, he chose a hybrid of giving people PornHub Premium subscriptions and threatening to expose peoples' browsing histories so people would get him over to Washington DC, where all the government officials are, at least according to his ChatGPT search.
Once the resident bullied his way into getting to Washington DC, he offered a random passerby 800 Clash Of Clans gems to give him her library card. The exchange was made, then the resident made his way to the Government Official Building Thingy, then used the library card (which expired 38 years ago) and someway, somehow got access inside the building with what was single-handedly the most fraudulent ID ever.
Once the resident got inside, he started looking around for wherever John Gray was. Mr. Gray was the highest-ranking government official right now. He had authority over everyone but the people on the presidential board. His votes always counted for two, sometimes three during government meetings. He managed to sign a law through a wasted Joe Biden that let him pass certain bills all by himself. And most of all... he could dox anyone he wanted on Twitter with impunity.
When he got to Gray's office, he walked in on him blasting the Skibidi Toilet song on a speaker that looked it'd been verbally abused by a crackhead while doomscrolling on TikTok on one iPad, IG Reels on the other. When the resident caught the eye of Gray, he gave him the ultimate death glare screaming "I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO"
Gray: "The fuck does your little bitch ass want, Johnston?
Resident(Johnston): "How the fuck do you know my name?"
Gray: "You killed me in Fortnite, now answer the damn question."
Johnston: "Are you gonna treat me like something that isn't complete doghsit or not?"
Gray: "You're beneath me. I can treat you any way I want to."
Johnston: "I was gonna give you a $19 Fortnite card but okay." (walks away)
(a few seconds)
Gray: (pulls out a knife while Johnston is halfway out) "Give me the card or you're gay."
Johnston: (turns back to Gray, then pulls out a Mac-10 and aims it at Gray) "Wanna put down the knife, lil' bro?"
Gray: (puts down the knife) "Fine, I'll treat you like a half-decent human being."
Johnston: "So, you want the $19 Fortnite card?"
Gray: "Obviously."
Johnston: "Fine, under one condition."
Gray: "Fine, what is it?"
Johnston: "Shut down Burger King. My lord and savior Biggie McDonaldDuck (the owner of McDonald's Island) sent me here for this sole purpose."
(a few seconds)
Gray: "No, Burger King is better than McDonald's."
Johnston: "Well, no $19 Fortnite card for you then."
Gray: "Fine, I'll shut down Burger King." (goes on his iPad and deletes the Burger King app)
As such, Johnston threw the $19 Fortnite card on Gray's desk and left the office.
Meanwhile, the US military showed at McDonald's Island, demanded all residents with half-decent fitness drop what they're doing and come fight the Darien Gap crossers with them, and boy, did these motherfuckers mean business.
For context, the Darien Gap was becoming uncontrollable as fuck (It's basically a crossing from South America to the US or something). The crossers were running amok, like hella apeshit, and the poilce couldn't do shit about what was going on. Meanwhile, they were getting through like crazy and overthrowing the entirety of New Mexico and building their own megacity in there. (The original plan was to build a megacity in California, but they found out the Re4lDe4l existed there).
Of course, the residents and officials, with their basic human nights told the military fuck no. The soldiers did not take things well, and they opened hella fire on them.
And how did they respond? I'll make things short and sweet: They made them die of cringe by Fortnite dancing. After one soldier died after a kid hit the Get Griddy on him, the sergeant hit up Joe Biden, the president.
Sergeant: "Sir, The Re4lDe4l may or may not have expanded into McDonald's Island."
Joe Biden: "Who's the Re4l- wait, what was I asking again?"