Kamil saw the clouds of the bluest sky in the monsoon. from the beginning of his time—Monsoon with gray was his favourite. The colour gave him solace, for him gray wasn't sober but a companion, it realigned well into his life.
Kamil's life had a colour of light gray, but when he saw the bluest sky on a monsoon morning, he felt really confused: why do people say blue is sad? He didn't know why blue denotes sorrow when its brightness in the sky could make dead people even come out from their gray graves to enjoy blue's love.
Kamil simply meant—"the bluest skies are beautiful." The exterior weather shifting from gray to blue surprised his heart with warmth and hope.
That night, the rain broke again, he lent his umbrella to the security guard in a hurry as he went inside, the security guard smiled thanking Kamil.
Kamil unlocked his doors.
He switched on a torch in the darkness, for some reason, Kamil didn't need it. The thunder came once every second, lighting the room. Kamil clutched his heart, he hated rain. He hated the sound of thunder. He hated the light of it. like the weather outside that broke to rain, he broke into sweats. He hated to be this scared. But what could he do, after all he could do was only to shiver and seek his only self.
Kamil wished the dark clouds would fade away instead of staying. Kamil lay down, and his soul began to melt slowly out from his body.
He recalled things in his dreams, he recalled the most poignant one. In dreams, you dream about what you store in your mind everywhere subconsciously.
Kamil was adopted, his adoptive parents thought there was no way they would bear a child, Kamil was scared to meet his new parents, because the dreadful death of his parents still lingered in his skin. It was early daytime when the travel to their home after the end of a festival began, within a span of time Kamil's life changed by the car accident.
He lost his beloved parents and supportive sister. That daylight showed Kamil the colour of sadness, it was dark red and spread out in liquids. Kamil wasn't unconscious, he saw everything coming. The screams exactly sounded like thunder, the crash sounded like thunder. That day made Kamil fear thunder, and the home of Kamil vanished forever.
His adoptive parents were very supportive of Kamil, he liked them. But he felt a distance, a distance that mentally told him that he shouldn't be a bother to them. for the new parents, Kamil excelled in exams and in sports. he was the captain of the basketball team and simultaneously the School's President, his parents were very proud of him.
But Kamil had other thoughts, to be independent. The fear of his adoptive parents going away from him and his real parents calling him to heaven kept occurring in his thunder -filled nights.
Kamil woke up to his parents. They were really concerned. Kamil smiled and reassured them like everything was okay. He was like that, he didn't want anyone to think of him as a burden and kept living a life even when it's painful to bear silently.
Kamil's parents were very good parents to him. Kamil remembered writing in his diary, "My father a very good father, my mother a very good mother, but they aren't good husband and wife for each other to be together."
They fought almost every day, going unspoken for months, they often took silence and they didn't communicate well with each other. but somehow they loved Kamil, they gave him the affection needed as a child but they never knew half of the affection comes while seeing things and bonds.
After adopting Kamil, his adoptive parents were blessed with twins. Kamil had two brothers and they looked a lot like his adoptive father. Kamil's fear faded when his adoptive mother called him to talk, "Kamil, you're our blessing, while having you, we had them, don't worry , my son, you'll never be replaced, you're our beautiful son."
His mother kissed the 11-year-old Kamil, and his eyes began to water, he was feeling so much for his parents that he wondered why two beautiful people like his father and mother had never been a good husband and wife.
Kamil's father had one dream, to make Kamil strong enough to take over his corporate business. After cutting ties with everything especially Inara Barshil, Kamil's focus shifted to having a busy business, he got along with his father after securing great scores and gold medal in his MBA and started to plan business strategies with many international industries and muti national companies.
But Kamil never liked it, so he planned on helping his brothers and fortunately his brothers showed keen interest and helped his father's business greatly. His father was very proud of Kamil. Until he realised Kamil had a wound to declare.
Kamil told his father that his interests were different and he wanted to withdraw from the company to explore the world, his twin brothers who had grown fond of him tried to stop him, his mother, who always thought Kamil was her first favourite son, protested for Kamil's stay but his father knew the boy inside him needed to find the man within. So he allowed Kamil to wander around the world.
Kamil was this type of guy, he couldn't accept love, because it felt like it would fade away, his childhood traumas still lingers like yesterday and red hadn't healed anyway, it was beside his life, soaked wet.
Kamil threw everything away when he decided to come out of his life. Kamil freelanced as a wildlife photographer, living in small apartments. He stayed for a peculiar time and cleaned up after his tasks were done.
Sometimes when he hears thunder, he relives past traumas and falls to the ground recklessly. After a few hours or sometimes it takes a long time to recover from his unconsciousness. It had began to become a ritual, to collapse for thunder sounds and wake up by those silent winds. Kamil was a flower.
Kamil stood up from his unconsciousness, of where he set his pilgrimage journey to photograph. he looked inside and the partial memories, that made him ill mentally and anyway he told, he will be alright soon.
he brewed a latte, sat around the apartment that is located near the snow mountains, now it's life and time for Kamil to take pictures of the snow mountains in the Himachal Pradesh.
Kamil wanted a life where he's full of himself, to have a black cat softly purring over him in golden dawns, to have white flower's meadow infront his window, to have orange juices, to talk the old souls, befriend the slow souls of human's and animals, to grow garden full of flowers and fruits with different flavours and colours, to bake breads and made creams, to say hello to strangers and live a quite life.
Especially he wanted the clouds to stay for once and see what happens. he might not stay but he wanted the clouds to stay and know what it feels like to be belonged to the blue sky.
His life goes on with no one's love, because for Kamil , love from a person evokes fear. These cloud-like thoughts in him, never stay. His clouds, never stay.
© isai