I inhaled.
Not a normal inhale.
A soul-sucking, chest-expanding, window-rattling inhale.
The kind of breath you take before yelling at your mom that you "ALREADY DID THE DISHES."
Then I unleashed it:
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEIN—!"
Emilia jumped.
Puck flinched so hard he clipped through his own fur.
A fruit vendor two stalls away dropped an apple and whispered a prayer.
And me?
I was committed.
"—HAAAAAARD!! Reinhard!! The Sword Saint!! Redhead cheat code!! DLC character!! SHONEN PROTAG SPONSOR PACKAGE!! GET OVER HERE!!"
The entire plaza froze.
People stared at me like I had just confessed to tax evasion in 4K.
Emilia tugged my sleeve."Um—maybe shouting for the most important knight in the kingdom isn't—"
FWOOOOM
A shockwave brushed past us.
A blur of red and white light streaked into the plaza, landing so softly it was insulting to gravity.
A young man with red hair and blue eyes appeared, smiling politely like he hadn't just broken the sound barrier.
He placed a hand over his chest and bowed.
"Hello. I heard someone calling me?"
Puck whispered, "What IS his cardio routine?"
I whispered, "Plot armor infused wheaties."
Reinhard tilted his head.
His smile was kind, but also "I could slice a meteor in half while complimenting your shoes."
Peak Sword Saint energy.
"Were you the one who called me?" he asked.
I stepped forward, chest puffed with the confidence of someone who absolutely SHOULD NOT be confident.
"Yes. That was me. Hi. I'm the local prophet today."
Emilia stared at me like please do not embarrass me in front of the national hero.
Puck floated behind her like too late.
Reinhard blinked once. "Prophet?"
"Yeah," I said, pointing at Emilia. "She is about to be targeted by an assassin."
Reinhard's smile vanished.
Instant serious mode.
"Tell me everything."
Oh thank god he believed me.
Fanboying later. Survival now.
Speedrun Briefing Any%
"Okay," I said, pacing dramatically. "Timeline check: a thief girl named Felt is gonna steal Emilia's insignia in about—"
I checked the sun angle.
"—five minutes. Give or take a narrative beat."
Emilia gasped. "My… my insignia?"
"Yup. And when she chases after her, she runs straight into Elsa Granhiert—knife enthusiast, serial gut enjoyer, and the reason trauma exists in Arc 1."
Reinhard narrowed his eyes.
"Oh. Her."
Even hearing Elsa made him switch from Friendly Protagonist to "I can cut atoms."
"So," I continued, "I came here to stop that. Because I don't have Return by Death, and I don't feel like dying today."
Emilia blinked. "Return by… what?"
"Nothing!" I said quickly. "Just prophet stuff."
Puck: "He's definitely not a normal prophet."
Me: "Correct."
The Theft Timer Hits Zero
Right as Reinhard opened his mouth to ask something—
ZOOM.
A blur of yellow.
A gust of wind.
A faint "hehe!" in the distance.
Emilia gasped. "My insignia! She—she took it! That girl—!"
Reinhard looked impressed.
"That was very fast."
"Yeah," I said. "She's basically a pickpocket with protagonist-level agility."
Emilia spun toward me.
"You knew exactly when it would happen!"
"Prophecy," I said.
Everyone: "Prophecy."
Plan: Let's Go Not Die
"Okay," I said, clapping. "Check it. If we chase Felt now, we run into Elsa. But with Reinhard here?"
I pointed at the Sword Saint like I was showing off an ultra-rare 'Mon card.
"This is EX mode. Legendary summon. Elsa doesn't stand a chance."
Reinhard's expression stayed calm, but dangerous.
"I appreciate the confidence," he said softly. "If an assassin is involved, I'll ensure no harm comes to Miss Emilia."
Emilia smiled in relief.
Puck slouched in relief.
I sighed in relief.
Then I frowned.
Because the ONE THING I never thought about until this exact moment was…
How Do I Find Felt Without Being Subaru?
Subaru always gets stabbed into the correct plot route.
I, meanwhile, had:
No stabs.
No checkpoints.
No gut spaghetti.
And zero desire to experience any of the above.
Reinhard looked at me."Prophet—do you know where the thief is now?"
I froze.
My brain:
Loading… buffering… 144p Subaru memory footage…
"Uh… yes?" I said.
They stared.
"Probably?" I added.
Emilia: "What does that mean??"
Puck: "Oh boy."
Reinhard smiled politely. "Then please guide the way."
I swallowed.
"Well… the thing is… I DID watch this arc, but like… eight years ago… and mostly through memes."
Reinhard: "…"
Emilia: "…"
Puck: "We're so dead."
I raised a finger.
"BUT—but—but—my Skill is Bullsh*t Foresight, right? So I just have to… confidently pretend I know where I'm going."
Reinhard nodded slowly.
"That is… not how prophecy usually works."
"Fake it till you make it," I said. "Now follow me."
I pointed forward.
"Felt is… definitely… absolutely… sorta in that direction."
Reinhard nodded.
Emilia looked doubtful.
Puck sighed.
And thus, with zero plan, minimal information, and max confidence—
The Anti-Suffering Speedrun Party Set Off.
To find a thief.
To stop an assassin.
To survive Arc 1 without dying once.
To prove to the world that Prophecy% is a valid Re:Zero speedrun category.
And maybe—just maybe—
To not get stabbed in the spleen today.