Kabe brushed off Wakaba's arm, annoyed by how close the man had leaned in.
He first glanced over to the bar, where Erza had suddenly ducked her head and was sucking furiously on her drink as if nothing in the world concerned her.
Confirming where the rumor had leaked from, he finally replied unhurriedly:
"Before you start lecturing me, maybe take care of yourself first.
If I remember right, Wakaba, didn't you just get married not too long ago?
So how come I still see you ogling pretty girls on the street every other day?"
Wakaba suddenly smacked Kabe hard on the back, making him twist around and glare at the guy.
"You don't get it. I'm appreciating. Appreciating, understand?
Men will always be visual creatures. We just can't resist young, beautiful girls!"
"And then you still have the face to say that kind of crap?!"
Kabe twisted his waist and kicked him straight out of the guild.
He snorted coldly, gave Mira—who had been sneaking curious glances his way—a little shake of the head, then walked over to the bar and ordered a drink.
Before the drink even arrived, another big hand clamped down on his shoulder.
"Hey, brat, what exactly is going on between you and Cana?
I'm warning you, my little Cana is only twelve.
If you dare have any funny ideas, this uncle will definitely kill you."
Kabe turned around, face dark, to stare at the snarling Gildarts.
"I swear, has that thing on your shoulders gone so empty there's not even a brain left?
In you people's eyes, just how much trash do you think I am that I'd lay hands on a twelve-year-old girl?
At the very least, it wouldn't be now, right?!"
Gildarts relaxed a little at the start of that sentence…
Then completely blew his top at the rest of it, his fingers digging harshly into Kabe's shoulder.
"I'm not joking with you, brat.
My precious Cana is going to be with me for her entire life. I absolutely won't allow some wild man to steal her away from me!"
Kabe didn't even have time to feel sorry for his abused shoulder before he was provoked into jumping up and pressing his forehead against Gildarts', the two of them butting like angry bulls.
"You did say it! You totally said it! Wild… whatever!
You bastard, which eye of yours saw me as a monkey?! Call me a wild monkey again and see if I don't kill you!"
Behind the bar, Evie the barmaid looked helplessly at the two of them going at it again.
"Kabe, Gildarts didn't say that, you misheard him.
And Gildarts, you behave yourself too, stop arguing already."
But the two hotheads had both gone deaf.
Gildarts: "Hah? So what if I call you that? Believe it or not, I'll rip that monkey tail of yours off and use it as a belt."
Kabe: "Go on then, rip it! But before you manage to pull off my tail, I'll definitely chop off your front tail and soak it in liquor."
Gildarts: "Don't go too far, brat! A man's front tail is not something you joke about."
Kabe: "Heh, weren't you the one who started joking first?
The tail on my back is just as important as the one in front, all right?!"
"…"
Listening to the direction this argument was heading, some of the guild members really could not take it anymore.
Cana suddenly appeared from who-knows-where, marched over and grabbed Gildarts by the ear, cheeks bright red as she spat:
"Stop going crazy, you stupid old man! If you dare talk about your stinky tails in front of a lady again, I'll cut it off for Mom myself!"
"Owowowowow— Daddy was wrong! Cana, sweetheart, let go!"
On Kabe's side, punishment came just as swiftly.
Sitting next to him, Erza had been hiding her face in embarrassment the whole time; after that conversation, she felt like she would never be able to hear the word "tail" normally again.
Overstimulated, she suddenly grabbed her still half-full juice, lunged at Kabe, hooked an arm around his neck and jammed the cup straight into his mouth.
"From now on, talking about tails is banned in the guild!!!"
Kabe: "Guh—glug glug glug—!"
...
A few minutes later, Kabe—who had nearly drowned to death on land—finally got an explanation out of a guilty, flustered Erza.
"Hah? Evie, you're getting married and leaving the guild?"
He stared in disbelief at the bar's waitress who had taken care of them for the last two years, only to see Evie give a shy little nod.
"Mm. The groom is a childhood friend of mine.
These past two years he's been doing some small business in the capital, and now that things are stable, he came to propose to me.
I've already agreed. We plan to marry after the New Year and live together in the capital, so… I won't be able to keep working at Fairy Tail."
"Oh, so that's how it is. In that case, congratulations to both of you."
Kabe reflexively offered his congratulations, then suddenly realized something and pointed at himself in confusion.
"Wait, so what does that have to do with me? Why did the guild start spreading weird rumors about me?"
"Why else?" Cana, having finished disciplining her father, walked over and plopped herself down next to him, completely unfazed by the gossip.
"Because they know they secretly liked Evie and now she's leaving them.
Those useless uncles got upset and needed to vent at somebody.
And, just so happens, you are the one all the women in the guild get along with,
plus there's that rumor that you're about to live together with Mira.
Of course those useless old men would be jealous and resentful."
Kabe finally understood. "Ohhh. So basically, they're frustrated and can't stand seeing anyone else doing better than them, right?"
"Mm-hm, exactly," Erza and Cana nodded in perfect agreement.
"Tch. Useless morons."
Kabe almost laughed from anger. Those idiots spent every day drooling over Evie,
yet not a single one dared to take the first step.
Now that she was getting married, they suddenly realized they weren't willing to let go?
What were you doing all those years?!
He shot a disdainful glance at the group of grown men still trying to drown their feelings in alcohol,
then turned back to the awkward-looking Evie and smoothly changed the subject.
"So, Evie, have you decided where your wedding will be held?
You've taken such good care of me these two years, I've got to prepare a proper gift for your big day."
At that, the happy smile returned to Evie's face.
"We're not planning on holding a wedding ceremony.
His business has only just started taking off, and there are still a lot of places that need money."
Hearing that, Kabe suddenly felt just as sour as the guild uncles,
a small, silent envy bubbling up in his chest for the guy who was about to marry her.
What a good woman… and she just gets snatched up by some outsider like that.
And here I thought the whole childhood-friend route had gone out of fashion.