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25. Just hug me
Arwin, who said he was tired, soon made light breathing sounds like a child. Using his breathing sound as a lullaby, I also fell asleep.
What I heard in my dream of ignorance was a pleasant voice.
'I will give you my heart.'
It was words signifying a promise. Someone's promise from a very long time ago, not remembered well.
I tried to remember something, but the forgotten memory, hidden in thick fog, had no intention of revealing itself.
When I woke up from the dream, the only thing I remembered clearly was the single word 'heart'.
When was the last time I had a date worthy of the name?
I mulled over past memories. No matter how much I chewed and chewed again, I couldn't remember when I last had a date.
Starting maid work from quite a young age, and since then meeting some servants or immature male nobles a few times, I don't think I've ever really dated.
It meant there was no time when the partner wore nice clothes, I wore a pretty dress, and we spent a joyful day.
It was unavoidable that my mood became depressed again. Why did I live so harshly? Even if life was poor, I could have lived dating at least one day.
To think I am having a proper date only now when I have only two months left to live. I decided to be satisfied with that fact.
This wasn't just a date, but a date with Arwin. A date with the man I loved. It was natural to be satisfied and happy.
I took out the expensive dress I had worn once before and kept well. The dress was clean and shiny as if bought yesterday. It was a dress not lacking at all even when with Arwin.
I wore the dress with care and applied an appropriate amount of oil. When I combed my hair neatly too, I looked like a finely raised young lady of some noble family. It was a satisfactory appearance.
I wondered how to explain my departure to the head maid, but Arwin solved that easily. Like the highest power within the mansion, he dismissed the head maid with a single sentence.
'Iphoe Bell will be with me today. So do not look for her.'
At that moment, I felt like I became a great person. Even though there is absolutely no great corner in reality.
I waited quietly for Arwin in front of the mansion's entrance. It was unavoidable to feel somewhat fluttered.
Crumpling the innocent hem of my dress, I wished he would come out quickly. One second felt like several hours. Did time originally flow this slowly?
I felt unbearable boredom. Time without Arwin was difficult to endure.
A little tired from boredom, I happened to glance toward Dalton's room. The inside was dark today too. Where is Dalton now?
I became worried for no reason. Wondering if Dalton is making it rain today too. I looked up at the sky with an anxious gaze, but gray clouds were not seen at all. It was just extremely clear.
It was at that moment that the front door began to open. Through the open front door, Arwin's figure was revealed.
"...."
He must have understood the concept of a date I mentioned properly. Because his assortment was very magnificent.
I looked at Arwin, wearing a gray suit likely to be worn only on important occasions, with my lips parted. He was splendid enough that words like cool couldn't express it.
His complexion, which looked tired, seemed to have improved again in a few hours. A faint vitality was lingering on his cheeks, which had turned pale.
He walked down the stairs with long legs and naturally stood next to me.
"Will you ride a carriage to go out?"
"No, I don't enjoy riding carriages."
Come to think of it, I seemed to have rarely seen Arwin riding a carriage in the past two years.
Arwin took a slow step with the words "Let's depart." Walking matching his pace, I asked him.
"Why don't you ride carriages?"
Arwin told me the reason without hesitation.
"The accident where I hurt my heart when I was young was a carriage accident."
I didn't ask any more about that accident. Because his face discussing the carriage accident had hardened stiffly.
Was it an accident painful just to recall? I didn't wish for Arwin to remind himself of that memory. Seeing his face become painful was a painful thing for me too.
Ending that conversation, we walked quietly on the road reddened with fallen leaves. Arwin's back of the hand touched the back of my hand occasionally as if grazing. If I wanted to grab his hand, that would be my true feeling.
As soon as I wished, he held my hand. Like a miracle. As if all of this were a dream. His white and long hand was holding my hand nonchalantly.
As I looked up at Arwin in surprise, he spat out a word without emotion.
"Because it was frustrating that we kept only touching."
Routine skinship created by a natural flow. It was very Arwin-like skinship.
I moved my steps wearing the smiling lips he wanted to research. If there is another thing I came to wish for now, it was for this moment to be eternal.
Walking straight out the red main road, a square appeared soon.
Only after coming out to the square did other people start to be seen. People were wearing thicker clothes in the wind that had become colder than yesterday.
They often glanced at us. No, rather than us, saying they looked at Arwin would be a more accurate expression.
The man named Arwin was naturally concentrating people's gazes. He possessed an appearance and atmosphere with a knack for attracting someone's gaze.
The fact that such a great Arwin was holding my hand tightly was still unbelievable. I might not be able to believe it forever.
I wondered if it was a dream, but his hot warmth was imbued in my hand. That warmth was too warm to be called a dream.
It's not a dream.
A date with him, undeniably very real.
I looked around the square and agonized briefly. What should I do with Arwin? Although we came out saying let's date, we didn't come out planning something specifically.
In fact, I was happy enough even now doing nothing special. But I don't know well if Arwin thinks the same as me.
When we walked to the fountain in the center of the square without purpose, Arwin stopped walking suddenly.
Standing vacantly, he was staring intently somewhere. At the end of his gaze was a brightly smiling child. The child, jumping around here and there wondering what was so joyful, was making pleasant laughing sounds.
"Marquis, do you like children?"
When I asked, Arwin answered without looking toward me.
"No, not particularly."
"Then why are you staring intently at that child?"
"Wondering if I also laughed like that when I was young. I think I have forgotten how to laugh for a very long time."
I thought I also wanted to see him smiling brightly. What would his face smiling brightly be like? It was a figure so ecstatic that my legs might really give way.
It was at that moment that the sound of cheerful playing was heard.
The source of the sound was a violin. A beautiful melody was resonating from the violin placed on the shoulder of a street musician whose name was unknown.
Not long after the musician's performance started, people in the square started dancing holding each other's hands as if promised.
Smiles were blooming on the faces of the dancing people without exception. It was that smile Arwin had forgotten for a long time. The thought occurred that perhaps their laughter might transfer to Arwin.
"Shall we dance too?"
Arwin seemed to ponder for a moment, then naturally mixed among the people dancing. It was consent.
He moved his feet without any sense of heterogeneity at all. Arwin extended his hand and turned his body familiarly as if he had danced in this way before.
His eyes dancing with moderate movements looked shining. It seemed bright light lingered in his black eyes that had always sunk deeply. Is he enjoying it?
When the music reached its climax, a faint smile hung on Arwin's face. He seemed unaware of the fact that a smile had bloomed on his face.
I admired his smile holding my breath. As expected, it was ecstatic enough to make my legs give way. Enough to make only his surroundings look bright.
While admiring Arwin's smile as if possessed, I accidentally stepped on his foot.
"So, sorry."
Whether I was quite flustered, I even stammered. For some reason, I saw Arwin's smile fading.
Damn it. I cursed inwardly. Why did I step on Arwin's foot and make his smile fade?
"Are...."
I tried to ask if he was okay. But I couldn't continue my words. Because a tingling sensation began to linger near my heart.
It was me who stepped on the foot, but rather I gasped for short breath with my face crumpled severely. Arwin stared at such a me blankly, then wrapped his arm around my shoulder and came out through the crowd.
Returning near the fountain and taking deep breaths slowly, the pain of the heart felt for a moment began to subside. Soon it disappeared without a trace. As if it were pain that didn't exist from the beginning.
Whether it strained my heart because I did an action that made me breathless, or the worm gnawing at my heart gnawed at my blood vessels, I couldn't know the cause of the pain that suddenly attacked me.
"Are you okay?"
Arwin stroked my back gently. I answered, vomiting out my breath.
"Yes."
"That's a relief."
I thought while looking at his face.
Arwin, were you worried about me?
Suddenly, Arwin's face began to be dyed red. His face didn't actually become red; the sunset was setting over his head.
The overwhelming red light dyed Arwin's black hair red, and even dyed his black eyes red.
Arwin's appearance encroached by the red light felt excessively surreal. Beautiful.
Arwin was looking at me with a firm, unwavering gaze. What is he thinking looking at me being dyed red?
I briefly wished he would think I was beautiful too. Then I thought again. How many days are left for us to be dyed in the same sunset light—
Arwin asked.
"Why do you look like you're about to cry?"
Because I feel like today might be the last time we get wet in the same sunset light. Because I feel like a day like this won't come again until I die.
Although I thought such thoughts, I laid out other words.
"Because I like you too much."
The moment of intuiting that it is the last is always sad. The day I recognized my death was so, and today was no different.
Considering the depth of sadness, today felt much sadder. It is a strange thing.
"I don't have a handkerchief today."
He seemed to expect that I would shed tears.
"What should I do in times like this?"
"Just hug me."
As soon as my words fell, Arwin hugged me. It was a very light embrace that didn't feel repulsive. I told him the next step in his ear.
"And call my name."
I wish you would call my name warmly and lovely just as I call your name. Of course, I couldn't say that far.
I expected his voice mixed with emotion, but as expected, Arwin only spat out my name nonchalantly.
"Iphoe Bell."
But even that is good. I engraved my name flowing on his voice into my ears.
"How do you feel?"
"Very good."
He asked me seriously.
"Is this what a date is?"
"Probably."
"I engraved today in my heart. What about you?"
At my question, Arwin remained silent for a while. He seemed to be valuing the short time spent with me. Whether it is worth engraving in the heart or not.
Soon he answered.
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