Now Playing: Mael Algeo - I Was Happy, I Guess
Soundtrack: Can You Hear Me (part. Young Summer) by UNSECRET
Despair;
To me;
There's no greater pain;
Than knowing I meant nothing;
To those that mean everything.
42 years ago.
Mael Algeo's Art Studio.
6 a.m.
Emotions drive an artist. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Regret. Despair. Bliss. So, what does it mean when all an artist is able to paint is a black canvas? Although it's still technically amazing, different techniques, different brushes and different tones of black blending in a turmoil of a background. An untrained eye might mistake it by just black paint tossed in a white canvas. But that wasn't what Mael Algeo did, no, he used all of his paint to make this 1 meter long painting where his whole heart is exposed.
The darkness, the pain, all clear in his distressed strokes, in his trembling hands as he moved his brush. He might never be able to make something so painful to look at, anyone that even glances at this will be able to feel it. An immeasurable pain.
He was never one to act on impulse, or rather is preferable to say he never had to act on impulse. Mael had a great life, he had a gift with the arts, he was loved by his family, even if they neglected him more often than not, and not long after entering the Link Academy he started a long-term relationship with the talented Dante Daya.
Envy is something he's familiar with, after all, everyone around him envies his talent, his eye, his family name and then, his boyfriend. Dante Daya was… exhilarating. Tall, perfect body, kind-shaped black eyes, well-trimmed black hair and he was the ace of the Business department, there wasn't a single soul that didn't know his achievements, his name. And there aren't many that could claim that they knew him on a personal level.
Mael first met him at the Link Academy's entrance ceremony, as if driven by destiny they hit it off immediately, learning they have more in common than one could've thought. From their love of the arts to their shared love of the outdoors and complicated family dynamics, it didn't take much for them to become closer friends and later on, lovers.
They were together for how long? Six years? A year ago, Dante even dared to propose to him. He was in pure bliss, that was happiness and he didn't know. He felt safe in his arms, he felt lulled by his voice and loved by his gaze. There is no doubt Dante loved him, and he truly loves Dante.
The first sun rays blind Mael as he gazes to the window of his small studio, it is already morning? When was the last time he slept? A day ago? Two? Four? And when was the last time he fed? He feels famished, his bones are starting to stick out of his skin, his lips are parted and dry, his fangs are even out probably for who knows how long. Although he knows the terrible condition he's in, there's nothing he'll do about it.
He won't sleep, he won't feed and he won't even move from that same spot he is in for days on end. Staring at his painful masterpiece, scared of turning his gaze away from his pain just to be met with the dozen paintings he made of Dante.
Of his eyes, his face, his smile, his body, there isn't a single aspect of Dante Daya that Mael didn't put in a canvas, there are even nude paintings of the man there. He was his love, his inspiration, his driving force to move forward. Without him, who even is he?
Why is he even here?
Crumbled on his hand is the note Dante left him, the paper is a mess of tear stains and is beyond crumpled, but what can he do besides read it again, as if to prove to himself that he is, in fact, completely alone now.
To my dear Mael,
I cannot put into words how much I love you, there's nothing in this world I'll ever be able to love more than you, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to make you happy.
And I'm aware of the hypocrisy of my words after breaking up with you so suddenly, after all, promises of eternal love aren't supposed to be broken easily. Believe me when I say, this decision wasn't made easily.
If I was able to, I would run away with you to wherever you wished to go to, those nights at your studio, your gentle voice, the tickling of your hair on my chest, there's nothing I wouldn't do to have it back.
But I can't.
I might not be my family's heir, but the responsibilities entrusted to me are just as burdensome. And running away from responsibility would make me a man I am not. Mael, I love you.
Someday, please, reach out again to me so we can heal past wounds and become again the great friends we once were.
Because selfishly even if I cannot hold you in my arms anymore, I do not wish to lose your presence in my life.
Mael, please hate me as much as you need to heal yourself from the pain I'm causing you, and know that no matter how many centuries pass, I'll always love you.
You were my first love, and I'm happy I have 6 years of beautiful memories to hold on to.
Be happy, you deserve the world.
I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you.
With love,
Dante Daya.
"If you love me so much why let me go?" Mael whispers to himself, his eyes filling with tears again, it's been a month and he's still there, after running away from home, getting into a fight with his brothers and parents, Mael is fully and completely alone.
Is this what he wanted?
To be left alone with his heartbreak?
Is he ever going to heal?
"Fuck, I still love him so much", he says, sobbing, gripping his heart tightly as he bends over, he cries so much that he runs out of air, unable to breathe amidst his pain. Why must he suffer this much? If their love is mutual, why can't he keep being by his side?
If he's going through something so painful like his parents ailment, why don't he take refuge in Mael's love? Did he think Mael wouldn't be able to console him? Was their love so superficial that they can't support each other through this?
Another sob, followed by another and another, all Mael has done these past days was cry and paint, he thought if he painted his pain he could get rid of it, but now that the painting is done, the pain is still there.
In the first days he called Dante frantically, thinking that maybe the breakup was a hallucination, and that was when the man sent him a bouquet of lavenders alongside that dreadful letter. There's no use in saying that Dante never took any of Mael's calls nor answered any of his texts, but he also never blocked Mael or even told him to stop this behavior.
Maybe because he still wanted to hear from him even after he was the one to back away.
Slowly Mael started derailing, his mental health that never was stable became even worse, he considered death, no, not considered, he even attempted it. Thinking that maybe this way Dante would return, but all that happened was him waking up the next day in a pool of his own puke, his own body refusing to die with puny alcohol and pills.
So then he tried jumping off a bridge, but he was saved by a passerby with a hero complex.
And his latest attempt at cutting off his wrists was interrupted by someone who broke into his apartment as he was passed out and patched him up and fed him blood.
It's almost like a joke how he wishes to die so much because of a broken heart and he's unable to. Maybe it's a cruel way of the world telling him to keep living with this pain inside his chest.
After all, no one dies because of a broken heart.
"How will I keep living without you?" He whispers again, his gaze going to the black painting. "What should I name it?" He wonders, laughing dryly amidst his tears, grabbing his signature white pen, signing the piece with his trembling hands, and then he proceeds to crawl to the back of the painting.
For Dante,
This is my heart bleeding for you.
The name of this piece is 'Memories'.
I love you.
I hate you.
And I wish you the best and the worst.
From your past lover,
Mael Algeo.
He stares at his shaky handwriting for a moment before sighing. Perhaps one day he'll be able to send this to him. He puts the date under the note so that he has something in the future marking the day of his fourth attempt on his own life.
Mael stands up, grabbing a cigarette from the studio's table and moving towards the window. He stares at it. "Lit up", he says, the words floating from his mouth to the tip of the cigarette and by command it starts to burn. For a few minutes he stands there, inhaling the smoke, feeling it filling his lungs. The sight of the sunny day and the people going by their days as if everything is all so well, it's bitter. While he's there, thinking about how ending his life, there are people out there having the best day of their lives. "I am truly utterly pathetic", he mumbles before tossing the cigarette bud through the window, hoping to ruin the day of one of the passerbys.
Well, fuck it. He thinks, grabbing the window frame, passing one leg then the other. He's on the fourth floor, it might not be enough to kill him, but perhaps the pain will be greater than the one inside his chest.
"I was happy", he mumbles, taking a deep breath.
And then he jumped.
20 years ago.
Earthquake Bakery & Cafe.
10 a.m.
The day is beautiful, there are almost no clouds in the blue sky and the sun is burning brightly, forcing most vampires to bring out their sunglasses and umbrellas. Most would enjoy going out and living their lives on such bright and beautiful days, but not Mael Algeo. No.
After 22 years, his ex-fiance finally sent him a text. During those 22 years after they broke up, all Mael did was bask in self-pity and enter a career that didn't really suited him. He didn't enter a new relationship, fuck, he never even kissed another person, how can he? When all he still thinks about is Dante Daya? When he can't forget those eyes, that voice and that love?
He truly tried drowning himself in work, trying to spite his family, going after his brothers maybe because he was jealous of their successful dating life or maybe because he felt neglected? And now he even has a new younger brother who receives a love he never did, or at least he doesn't think he ever did.
Well, he is cute, so it's ok, Mael thinks, unable to hide his proud smile as he recalls playing with baby Luc just the day prior, babysitting his brother for his parents to go on a date night. He even took a few pictures and is using one of them to paint a new painting he started just a few hours ago. Even after his studio burnt down and he lost most of his paintings, he still can't help but take the brush every now and then, even if he doesn't paint as much as he did 20 years ago.
Dante's message came like a tornado to wreck his not so stable life. Even if most humans and vampires would say that 20 years is enough to forget a failed love, Mael didn't, he couldn't. Or perhaps he refused to.
Dante Daya: It's been a while, Mael. Can we meet?
His text was nothing big, but was enough to make Mael's heart jump inside his chest, as if he's back at his academy days, falling in love with his best friend. He answered immediately, not caring about how desperate it would make him look. And now he's here, at a coffee shop, waiting for his ex as he sips a cold tea. All because he was too nervous and went there two hours before they were supposed to meet.
Seeing Dante again after 20 years is exactly as Mael guesses it would be like. He still looks absolutely stunning. Wearing a fancy suit, his short black hair styled back, his damned gorgeous eyes still look kind and his body is still well sculpted. Mael can't help but blush, like a teenager with a crush, his heart beats obnoxiously loud as the man takes a seat in front of him.
"I hope you didn't wait for long", Dante says, his voice is still exactly as he remembers, the same as his dreams.
"I arrived two hours ago", Mael answers, glancing at his cup, trying to fight the urge to cry.
Dante laughs. "You're still honest to a fault, huh?" He points out, Mael wants to say that this is how he is only with him, but he eats his words with a sip of the cold tea. After ordering a black coffee from the waitress, Dante finally turns to Mael again. "How are you lately? I heard you entered the police force, how are things there?"
So he still hears about me? Mael thinks, unable to fight off the hope that this will be a lovely reunion.
But of course things will never work out for him.
"Well, I texted you because I have some news to share", Dante says, not even waiting for Mael to answer, probably because the man remained silent, and knowing Mael, he wouldn't answer the question even if he waited a bit more. He hadn't changed after all.
But apparently, Dante changed.
He puts his hands on top of the table, his fingers crossed, and just then Mael notices.
His world crumbling down all over again, his heart sinks to his stomach and it takes all of his willpower to now cry right there.
"I'm getting married, and I would like you to be my best man", his words are beyond cruel.
Mael is silent at first, but eventually he's able to speak.
"Are you crazy?" He says, disbelief written all over his face, how stupid could he be? Why did he go there expecting to be loved again? Of course he wouldn't be. "Who would ask their ex-fiance to be their best man?" He asks, trying not to cry with all of his being, but he can't stop shaking his hands, pulling them to his lap to hide them.
"I know Mael, I know we can't erase our past together, but I miss you, I miss our friendship", Dante says with a sigh, his face truly looks pained, but how dare he look conflicted when Mael is the one that lost his whole ground all over again? 20 years later and he's still at Dante's mercy.
"Do you love her?" He asks, already assuming the other person must be a woman, after all if it were a man there would be no reason for them to have broken up all those years ago. In truth, he's actually asking if Dante loves that person more than he ever loved him. The question makes the air heavy, he can tell by Dante's twitching eye that his question stings.
"I received your painting", Dante says, tapping his finger on the table, a sign he's anxious, I put on my office, you know, I look at it everyday".
So? Mael wants to ask, what does that have to do with what he asked.
"Mael", again, his name on his lips make him shiver and he hates himself for it. "My feelings never changed, but we need to move on".
Ha, this hurts more than if you said you actually love her, he thinks, trying to push the tears back, but it's already too late.
"It's easy for you to say", Mael says, laughing through his tears. "You have a fancy job, a fancy house, and now a fancy fiance. You're living behind a mask Dante, how could I move on when you keep entering my thoughts, my dreams and now my life?" He continues. "I sent you my bleeding heart, yet all you did was keep poking it so that it never stops bleeding".
"Mael, this was never my intention, I cherish you with my whole heart", Dante is being honest, and that is what hurts the most. "I know I'm being selfish, and you have no idea how much I cried seeing your painting, but we can't be together as lovers, how can I not be selfish and wish to remain by your side as friends?"
"If I were the one marrying, would you be able to be my best man?" Mael asks with a sigh, drying his tears with the back of his hand.
"No", Dante answers with a pained whisper. "I guess I crossed the line, huh?"
"I'll be your best man", Mael says, his heart twisting in pain inside his heart. "And I'll be your friend again".
Dante seems shocked by Mael's answer, and perhaps even Mael is shocked by his own words.
"In exchange, put that painting in your bedroom, I want you to look at it every morning and every night, I want you to live your new life while you remember it, how much you made me bleed to get where you're at", Mael says, he's not crying anymore, the pain is still enough to make him dizzy, but he wants to be strong, even if it's fake.
"That's… fair", Dante says with a pained smile. "I missed you Mael".
"I missed you too, Dante".
2 years ago.
Dante Daya's Household.
8 a.m.
It's the first time that Mael is seeing Dante and the weather is dreadful, it's raining heavily and the darkness is enough for someone to assume it is night not early morning. He is carrying a basket of gifts, wine, flowers, snacks and… diapers.
The news of the new member of the Daya household reached his ears when the baby was nothing but a small crumble. Funny how emotional and excited Dante was when he broke the news.
As if it was the happiest he's ever been.
And Mael couldn't be more miserable.
It's been 40 years and he's still in love with a married man and now a father. How pathetic can he get?
"You're here!" Dante says, he's smiling brightly and he still looks beautiful even if the background is filled with dreadful lightenings. "Come Mael! You must meet him!" He grabs Mael's hand, dragging him inside the house.
He's been there a few times before, and every time it fills him with dread. The house is beautiful, cozy and it feels like a lived-in place, as if he's entering the nest of a loving family.
He wants to yell, cry, ask how dare Dante be happy when he's still miserable? But he can't, he is pretending to be just a friend. As if all those years ago when they were exchanging promises of love never happened.
In comparison, he and Mael dated for only 6 years while Dante was with his current wife for 22 years, so perhaps Mael is the only one that still feels this dreadful love.
How did he make an heir? Mael asks himself as they enter the master bedroom. He told me he was gay, that he didn't like women, yet he's able to lay with one?
Perhaps the joke is on him, for still clinging to the words he heard 40 years ago. When he enters the bedroom though, his heart pounds once again.
Because there it is.
That dreadful black painting.
His bleeding heart.
His memories hang on top of the bed where Dante's wife is laying as she holds their baby.
Even after 20 years, he's still keeping that promise. Is it because he's scared that if he doesn't Mael will go away? Is he also clinging to those memories?
Does he still love Mael too?
But even if he does, what does it matter?
"Hello, Mael", the woman smiles, even after all those years, Mael doesn't even remember her name, or maybe he's actively pretending not to.
"Hello", Mael answers, avoiding to say her name, he approaches the bed to see the baby. His features are more similar to the wife than Dante, but the baby still is absolutely adorable. Well, he has no fault that Mael is still clinging to his father. "Do you want to hold him?" She asks and Mael nods.
He always had a soft spot for babies after his brothers' were born. He holds the baby with care, as if he was holding something precious.
"What's his name?" He asks with a soft smile.
"Benjamin" Dante answers, sitting next to his wife on the bed and holding her hand, they look typically in love. Maybe the painting is just there out of familiarity, maybe Dante is bisexual like Mael and just didn't know while they were together. Maybe he truly moved on.
Mael stares at the baby, softly touching his face, his skin is soft and he smells like a baby, he thinks with a smile. Yeah, maybe it's time for him to move on too.
This love he holds so dear inside his heart will remain in the past and it'll always remain there, on top of the bed of the person he loves the most as he holds someone that isn't him.
He is truly pathetic after all.
That is the only truth that remains in Mael's life.
Current days.
Mael Algeo's Art Studio.
7 p.m.
''I think I'll just choose whatever…'', Eryx's voice on the other side of the phone sounds tired, Mael sighs hearing his younger brother as he sits in the sofa of his studio, he's wearing old clothes that are dirty with a few paint spots and his face is also with yellow spots, his hands? A mess. But he doesn't really mind, the smell of toxic paints actually calms his mind.
He takes off the hair tie that was holding his long hair up in a bun, he's also tired, so he might retire for today. He's been struggling with inspiration for his paintings, although Azrael offered to host an exhibition for him in a month's time, he isn't sure if he's good enough to be able to fill the galerie's hallways with people. Sure, his name might bring one or another, but his art overall was never publicly appraised. Especially considering he never actually worked as an artist.
I should text some old colleagues at least, this way I'll be able to at least feel better about being a failure. He thinks as he hears his brother's rambling about the academy. Mael understands Eryx like nobody, choosing a major when you're insecure about your decisions is hard, what can he say to make him feel better? What would he wish someone said to him back then?
''It doesn't matter if you regret your choices later on, Eryx, you're still young, you can figure it out even if you change your career 100 years from now'', he says, playing with his hair, a bit uncomfortable. ''We will always help you out, even if you end up broke''.
Eryx laughs on the other side, his laugh was always so precious, when it was the last time he heard it? When he was 7? 8? He was always numb and high, it's nice hearing it after so long, the sound of happiness leaving the lips of someone so precious to him.
''Thank you brother, I'll remember that. Oh, I also became the Treasurer for the Student Council!'' Eryx sounds excited, compared to how he was sounding as he spoke about his major choices.
''Congratulations…'', Mael can feel a pang in his heart. ''Did you join because of that boy you have a crush on?''
''Oh…'' Eryx sounds surprised by Mael's remark. ''Yes… Uhm… Can I tell you something? Just don't… Don't tell the others''.
Mael sits straight, worried. ''Of course''.
''We're dating… Well… Luc probably already spilled the beans but…'', Eryx takes a deep breath. ''How can I tell if he actually likes me?''
The question surely grabs Mael by surprise, why is Eryx asking him that and not Nicolas, who has quite the successful relationship? Sure he understands not asking for advice from the other brothers, Zacharie is only married because Elara did the chasing, Milo is completely unaware of his surroundings and others emotions, Levi is a womanizer and an asshole, Luc would probably gag if Eryx told him those things and Ezekiel was the worst example of relationship one could have. But Mael? He can't even get over a love that he had 40 years ago, how can he be a good person to seek advice from?
''Why are you asking me and not Nicolas?'' He asks with a sigh. ''You know I don't know these things''.
Eryx is silent for a few seconds before speaking again. ''Nicolas and Azrael sure have a good relationship… But they're a bit… Off the norm?'' The boy sighs, ''Mael, I know you have experience with relationships, please help me''.
Another pang in his heart, what can he do when his brother is asking him something so… sincerely?
''You should ask him, Eryx, sure, I could tell you small signs, but everyone is different, asking is always a sure sign'', Mael says, rolling strands of his hair on his finger, anxious. ''Nothing beats clear communication, you know?''
''Is that how you got together with your past girlfriend?'' The question almost makes Mael laugh, of course Eryx would assume it was a woman, Nicolas is probably the only one that knows about Dante, and that is only because he's a creep stalker when it comes to his brothers. But either way, Mael doesn't correct Eryx.
''Yes'', he answers.
''Why did you two break up?'' Eryx asks, Mael never actually talked about his break up with Dante with anyone, he has no friends and he never told his brothers, so it makes sense for Eryx's question to make him hurt this much. His hand stops, dropping to his side as he fights the urge to cry again. After all those years, he still can't get over him.
Is what they had truly love? Is that why Mael can't forget their time together?
''I wasn't what they needed,'' I wasn't a woman. He can feel the tears coming alongside his clenched heart. ''Sorry Eryx I have to go, I have to finish this piece by tomorrow'', he lies.
''I'm sorry for bringing it up, Mael'', Eryx says, apologetic. ''I love you''.
''Love you too, remember to eat and stay healthy'', Mael whispers, turning off the call.
He stays there for a moment, his phone clenched on his hand, his gaze on the floor as he fights the tears, his heartbeat hurts and he can feel his whole body going numb. He doesn't want to cry again, all he's done for the past 42 years is cry. When will he be able to move on? Should he take on Nicolas' advice and just start having casual relationships? Will that fill up the hole Dante left inside his chest?
As if thinking about the man conjured his presence, Mael's phone starts flashing, showing Nicolas' face on the screen.
''What do ya want?'' Mael asks, trying to hide his pained tone.
He fails. ''Were you crying again?'' Nicolas asks, his voice is muffled and he sounds as if he's exercising.
''Are you working?'' Mael asks, trying to change the subject.
''I'm running a few miles before work'', Nicolas answers, breathless. ''Azrael is at the City Hall talking about the adoption'', he completes. ''But don't think asking about me will make me forget my dear brother. Why were you crying now?''
''I was talking with Eryx, I'm just feeling under the weather, that's all'', Mael lies, he's way too used to lying to his brothers.
''Sure, I'll pretend to believe your lies, I guess'', Nicolas says, panting, Mael can hear the sound of something ruffling before hearing his brother drinking what he assumes is water. ''I called you to tell you that I spoke with Ren.'' Nicolas says, starting to run again. ''He accepted being a model for you, so I sent him your address, he will arrive soon'', his brother says, making Mael open his mouth in disbelief.
''Why did you send him here without asking first? What if I were out?'' Mael asks, bitter.
Nicolas laughs. ''Mael, you barely leave your studio, and I bet you're moping around because of your fight with Levi''.
He's not entirely wrong, yet Mael doesn't like his tone.
''I'm completely capable of going out whenever I wish to, didn't I go to the bar yesterday too?''
''Going out to get drunk and dance isn't the same as living your life properly, Mael'', Nicolas says, the sound of his feet hitting the ground as he runs is loud on the phone. ''I'm not sending him there for you to have sex with him, but meeting other people outside of the family will do you some good. You don't have any friends besides your ex.'' Nicolas' words hurt more than it should.
''I have friends'', Mael mumbles, completely aware he has none.
''You don't baby bro'', Nicolas laughs again. ''Regardless, I told him you'd pay him twice his hourly rate at the bar, it's around forty per hour'', Nicolas continues. ''If you're too broke to pay him, just let me know and I'll give you the money''.
He didn't even say borrow, the Algeos sure don't care about money.
''I have enough money, Nicolas, or you forget Dad paid for all my paintings?'' Mael says with a sigh, rubbing between his eyes out of frustration, he knows he has no right to say that considering that a few years ago he was in trouble because of loan sharks, but that was before he got his shit together, or at least part of his shit together. He saved a lot of money during the years he didn't rent a studio and lived at the main house, so now he can be relatively comfortable until he starts selling his paintings. ''But thanks, I owe you one''.
I don't think I have enough paint, I don't like making sketches on the canvas, but I guess I don't have much of a choice, he thinks, already accepting the situation.
''If you say so, but the offer still stands if you find yourself in any trouble'', Nicolas says after a few moments of silence. ''I got to go, Azrael is calling me about the adoption, I see you Sunday at lunch''.
Mael nods. ''See you''.
Nicolas pauses before turning off the call. ''I love you Mael'', he says in a whisper, making the man blush.
''I love you too brother''.
The call ends but Mael can't fight his embarrassment, saying I love you to his older brothers was always something that made him embarrassed, but perhaps he should get used to it, at least now that he decided to properly interact with them. I should go see Zacharie tomorrow, he thinks with a sigh, getting up from the sofa and putting up his hair in a high ponytail, his waves are a mess, but he's too lazy to fix them right now. He doesn't need to look good for a model, right?
He looks around his studio, all its a mess, his bed's sheets are all crumpled, his floor is covered in paint from one of his experiments, his small kitchen has dishes all over the place and not to mention his own appearance that is totally in tune with how people think artists usually are, covered in paint from head to toes. It was a bad day to attempt splatter painting. Well, not that he was unsatisfied with the result. Splattering different shades of yellow and red so that after it dries he can outline a drawing on top was one of the things he didn't do since his Academy days.
I should buy more white, if I use it instead of black it might bring the lighter tones I wish to, he thinks, putting away the empty cans of paint to a corner and proceeding to at least wash the dishes, he rarely eats human food alongside blood, but due to the colder temperature he couldn't avoid buying some instant soups to drink while painting. After tidying it up a little he looks around to see if he has any compromising paintings, all of Dante's paintings were lost in the fire, and after that he never did another, as to tell himself he got over him. So right now he only has six complete paintings in his studio, after all he just started painting again.
The first painting is a small one he did of baby Luc holding a red ferret. It's a painting he planned to give his mother for one of her birthdays, but he just couldn't bring himself since it was one of his favorite paintings. The second one is a field of lavenders with a night scenario and fireflies, he used the sky of one of his camping trips for the background, the fireflies were only seven, to represent his brothers and the lavender field is a representation of his past relationship with Dante, due to the flowers he received from him when they broke up, it's the oldest painting there, and one of the few that survived the fire all those years ago. It's a sad painting, but it does bring Mael some solace when he looks at it, and since it doesn't have any of Dante's features in it, he never felt the need of getting rid of it.
His third painting was a big one, one of the few action paintings he made in his life apart from the one he made when he and Dante broke up. It has around three-meters of height and is six-meters wide, he did it when his father died. His way of tossing his feelings on his paintings wasn't healthy since it never actually helped him get over it, but it does bring him some sort of resolute feeling looking at it. Contrary to the one he made while heartbroken, this one he used tones of blue, to represent his grief, from the lightest to the deepest of tones it covers the whole painting, he used two types of brushes and also used a drip and splatter methods to bring out his pain. Looking at the complete painting brings him a feeling of grief and anger, both feelings he had for his father when he died.
A sigh leaves his lips as he uses one of the white sheets he has lingering around to cover that painting, he doesn't want to depress himself further. The fourth painting is another small one of his youngest brother, Eryx, green eyes, the painting focuses on his dilated pupil, the redness and the expression of pain and tiredness, he isn't sure why he painted such a painful expression in his brother's eyes, perhaps it was his way of expressing his concern for the younger one. This painting was made only two years ago after he heard about one of Eryx's human friends getting arrested for drug trafficking.
The fifth painting is a milder one he did a few days ago when he quit the police, it's also small and it's his first self-portrait in what? 40 years? He used a mirror to better depict himself, its a painting of him sitting on the floor, it only shows his back and it splits in the middle, half representing him in the present, naked with his hair down and on his back a faint drawing of a calendula flower as if it is engraved in his skin. The other half is him wearing his work suit, his hair up in a bun and on his neck a half-hidden collar, the background of both halves also change, the one where he is more vulnerable is a depiction of his art studio with his arts faint in the background, he also put almost hidden the painting he made for Dante, and the other half is the courtyard of the Algeo mansion that is burning in the background. The painting is mostly black-and-white except for his hair that is a bright tone of red.
He isn't sure what he wanted to achieve with such visual representations, but the painting makes him want to rip his hair off, maybe I should cut it, he thinks, but he will never actually do it, he grew attached to the hair he hasn't cut for 50 years already, well except the split-ends of course.
His gaze goes to his last painting, the one he's working on right now, he's using buckets of paint to attempt a splatter painting technique, after he finishes so he plans to paint a silhouette on top, who's silhouette yet he isn't sure of, regardless, he has time to think about it as he grabs an empty canvas, medium size from the corner of his room and brings to the middle of the studio, prepping the area and the materials so that he can paint the bartender.
A few more minutes pass by as he organizes his things when he finally hears a faint knock on the door, he takes a deep breath before opening it.
On the other side is Ren, just like that night on the bar, the first thing Mael thinks is how the man isn't his type but he surely is good-looking, this night he's wearing more casual clothes, he seems to have quite the fashion sense, his clothes seem all expensive and he's also wearing an crux earring in his right ear.
''Night'', Mael says, his cheeks burning with embarrassment, he is completely aware of the mess he looks like, Ren only nods and follows him inside the small studio, his cadmium blue eyes scanning the place before resting on Mael.
''Boss told me about what you meant'', he says, his accent is quite accentuated, but he doesn't struggle with the words. ''Sorry for my assumptions'', Ren bows his head, as if he was in the wrong.
''No, I'm quite aware of how I came across'', Mael says, his skin burning from embarrassment. ''I am the one who should be apologizing'', his words make the other nod. The silence between them is awkward, but Mael isn't exactly sure how to break it.
''Where should I stand?'' He asks, Nicolas probably already briefed him how most modeling gigs for artists work.
''Have you ever model before?'' Mael asks, going to his fridge to grab two bottles of water, offering one to Ren.
''Not for a painter'', Ren answers, accepting the water bottle.
''It's quite simple, I'll ask you to make a few poses and you must stand still for a frame of time, I'll only be able to do small sketches today, anyway'', he says with a sigh. ''If Nicolas told me about this before I would be able to buy a few paints beforehand, I don't have the right tone for your eyes yet'', he's frustrated, he doesn't like being caught by surprise like this.
''If you want I could come back another time'', Ren says, also awkward about the situation.
''No, it would be a waste of your time, I'll pay you for three hours today, next time we should do a longer session''.
Ren nods, still looking around. ''It smells like chemicals here'', he says.
''That's because I use mostly toxic paints'', Mael says, ''They have a brighter tone and I like using old paints and since we're vampires, the toxic fumes don't do much harm'', he continues. ''Don't worry I will do a proper disposal later on, and the chemicals won't affect you much''.
''Are you sure?'' Ren asks, a bit nervous, Mael smiles.
''Are you turned?'' He asks, and the other answers with a nod. ''How old are you?''
''I turned when I was 22, but if we're talking about overall age, I'm around 56'', Ren answers, looking at Mael as he preps the pencil he'll be using.
''You're young, no wonder you don't know much yet, but most chemicals don't affect vampires, of course, everyone has their tolerance, similar to alcohol'', Mael says without looking at him. ''If you feel lightheaded or nauseous, let me know, I have a few blood packs, they help''.
''So do you actually feel sick? It's just that you get detoxified later on'', Ren points out.
''I guess you could say so'', Mael nods, ''But you won't be too sick or end up with cancer like humans''.
''Still sounds unsafe''.
''It isn't'' Mael reaffirms. ''I always worked with them and I never felt sick''.
''But you're a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?'' Ren asks with a soft smile that makes Mael pause, that's a good expression.
''I get drunk easily, but I also get sober quickly'', Mael says, blushing again. ''And I never get hangovers''.
''I envy you then'', Ren says, the awkwardness between them slowly disappearing.
''Do you mind stripping? If you feel uncomfortable with anything please let me know'', Mael asks, sitting at the stool in front of the canvas.
''I don't mind, how much should I strip?'' Ren asks, dropping his bag on the ground and beginning to unbutton his shirt.
Mael isn't sure if it is because he doesn't see another man naked so closely to him since Dante or because the way Ren takes off his shirt is extremely erotic, but he feels his body burning up and his throat becoming dry, his breath becomes shallow and he is unable to take his eyes off.
Sure he saw the strip shows at Nicolas' club, but that's nowhere near seeing the thing up close in a closed room.
''Mr. Algeo?'' Ren snaps Mael back to reality, he doesn't even notice that he was strongly staring at his bare chest. He's not too defined like Dante, but his skin looks soft and he has almost no chest hair, is it genetic?
''Just your shirt for now, can you take a slow spin for me?'' Mael asks, analyzing every inch of Ren's skin. When his gaze lands on the man's back he holds his breath.
Although people having tattoos isn't rare in Iris City, it's definitely something Mael doesn't see often besides his older brother Zacharie. And the intrinsic tattoo covering all of Ren's back is mesmerizing.
The tattoo is fully colored, its a red tiger being strangled by a white snake and surrounding the animals there are a variety of flowers, some Mael recognizes as red spider lilies, marigolds and chrysanthemums, the others he doesn't recognize, and under the tattoo there is something written in a foreign language and a date of 34 years ago.
''What's written?'' Mael asks, he wants to touch it, analyze every aspect of it, but he holds himself back.
''May death guide me towards you once again'', Ren says in a whisper, his expression is one of pain, it probably signals something painful and distressing for him, his eyes sure spark something inside Mael.
''That's beautiful'', he comments, cleaning his throat, trying to stop the warm feeling that is growing near his stomach. ''You can take a seat on the sofa, could you cross your legs and stare directly at me? I will get your upper body today, don't worry about moving, just let me know when you start feeling tired''.
Ren nods, doing as he's told, and Mael starts his sketches.
2 hours and a half and four sketches later, Mael ends up with a rough idea of what his painting will be and a few scattered papers on the ground. He feels extremely inspired, something in Ren's eyes, that mix of blue and yellow, makes him want to begin his painting right away, just driving him more frustrated for not having the right materials at hand.
''Can you put your legs up and bend your body a bit to show your back?'' Mael asks, getting up to grab the canvas he was doing before, the paint is already relatively dry enough for him to be able to make the outline, his red eyes are shining with a determination that wasn't there before. ''This might take a bit longer than what I thought, do you mind?'' He asks, grabbing his white paints and the three brushes he uses most of the time.
''No'', Ren answers simply, doing as he's told, in the fluorescent light of the studio, Ren's eyes look even more somber, his arm holding onto the sofa so that he can turn part of his back to Mael, his gaze on the artist and his legs up, making his back arch slightly.
''Yes, like that, can you push your hair back a little?'' Mael asks, starting the outline directly with the paint. He strongly dislikes doing sketches before painting, he doesn't mind the mistakes, they only make his painting more authentic. Not that he ever makes many mistakes either way. His hands are black from the carbon from the pencil and now it's being dirtied with the white paint, but he doesn't really mind as long as it doesn't dirty the painting.
In the middle of painting Ren's eyes he stops.
''Sit on the ground with your back turned to me and hug your back'', Mael says, his grip on the brush is tight and his voice sounds almost urgent. Ren doesn't take long to do as he's told. And as if he's hypnotized, Mael begins, the pose before was good for the expression, but the pose was iffy, now it's perfect. ''Can you look at me?'' Mael says and Ren again does so, this way he can use the expression from before and the pose perfectly.
Everything from the tension of the muscles, the veins popping in his hands, the messy hair and the mesmerizing tattoo is outlined perfectly in the painting.
Mael only notices how long it passed when the sun starts rising. He pauses as he was just about to put the details of Ren's eyebrows when the first sun rays reach his eyes. ''Already?'' He mumbles, turning to look at Ren, who never moved from the position Mael asked, he feels bad, why didn't he say anything? It's been more than 8 hours since he started, sure, Mael can sometimes enter his own mind so much that he doesn't notice time going by. ''Why didn't you say something? You must be in pain'', Mael says, putting his materials away and approaching Ren, who finally relaxes, he turns his gaze to him, his cadmium blue eyes are shining with the sun, the yellow in them popping even more, his prussian blue hair is wet, probably from sweat, his expression is one of exhaustion and calmness. ''I'm sorry'', Mael mumbles, feeling bad for thinking about how much he wants to stop time and make another painting of this exact expression on Ren's face, from his eyebrows being slightly perked, his lips parted and his hair glued to his forehead.
''Don't worry, if it were too much I would've said something'', Ren's voice sounds just as tired as his expression, ''Is it enough for today?'' He asks, still sitting there.
''Yes,'' Mael nods, still apologetic, he sighs, releasing his long hair and rubbing his temple, trying to think. ''You can sleep here if you're too tired, I'll go out in a bit to buy paint''.
''Thank you'', Ren answers, his gaze still fixed on Mael. ''I have classes in the afternoon so I'll take you up on your offer''.
''Classes? What type?''
''Cooking classes, I want to be a chef'', Ren answers, a faint tone of pink takes over his ears, as if he's feeling embarrassed.
There's no telling what drives Mael in this exact moment, if it is the words from his brother, the fact that Dante's second child just arrived a few days ago, the questions from Eryx the day prior or the exhaustion, but right now he finds Ren's eyes to be absolutely mesmerizing, so he can't help it. Yes, that's what he'll tell himself when he regrets this later, that there was no choice but to do it. After all, it's the first time in years that he finds a pair of eyes so beautiful since Dante. So he bends over, placing his lips on Ren's, he doesn't ask, he can't even control his own actions, much less mutter them before he does them.
His lips are rough and Ren's are cold, its been 40 years since he kissed someone, so he isn't sure if he's doing right, his hands go to the side of Ren's face, his thumbs brushing on his soft skin, the kiss is sloppy and awkward, but makes Mael's face burn either way. When he backs away a bit all he can think about is how he fucked up, and especially how he must be a terrible kisser.
Ren stares into his eyes for a moment before bringing his arms around Mael's neck and pulling him down again for another kiss, this time Ren is the one conducting it, his tongue parting Mael's lips, the kiss is wet, warm and intense, his heart beating insanely fast inside his chest.
This wasn't his goal, this isn't why he wanted to paint Ren.
The kiss lasts for a while, and when they part ways, Mael is sitting on Ren's lap and they're both with their faces burning red. It's hot in here, Mael thinks, awkwardly wondering how he should get up and how exactly he ended up on his lap.
''I'm sorry'', Mael says, it seems that all he does nowadays is feel sad and apologetic. ''I didn't… This wasn't my intention when I asked to paint you'', he states, feeling the heaviness of his exhaustion finally reaching him, maybe he should sleep today, staying awake for days on end won't do him any good. He rests his head on Ren's shoulder, the man smells like chemicals and sweat, probably how Mael also smells like for how long they stayed inside the studio. Perhaps this all is a side effect of the chemicals they're inhaling for hours.
''It's okay, I didn't hate it'', Ren answers softly. ''Mr. Algeo'', he says.
''You can just call me Mael, I'm not old like my brothers to be called that'', Mael mumbles, unable to look at the man.
''Mael'', he says, the words sound awkward leaving his mouth, but Mael can't deny that his voice is quite good to listen to. ''Do you want to have a relationship with me?'' Ren asks, he sounds calm, but Mael can feel his body becoming warmer. ''It can be casual if you want… I can let you paint me for free even''.
Was he the person that was interested in me that Nicolas was talking about? Mael wonders, but he isn't ready for a relationship, not when he is sure he's not over his ex yet.
''I can't enter a relationship right now'', Mael says with a sigh. ''I am enthralled by you, but unfortunately I am a mess of a person that still loves their ex from 40 years ago'', he's honest, of course he is, it would be cruel not to be.
''I'm not asking to be loved'', Ren states, ''I just think we're compatible'', his words make sense, and Mael would be lying if he said he wasn't interested. He needs to move on, that's what he's been telling himself for years now. ''As I said, our relationship can be casual''.
Mael nods, his head still buried on Ren's neck.
''I'm quite clingy'', Mael states, ''And I don't do casual'', he continues. ''I'm not possessive like Nicolas, but I don't like the idea of casual relationships… Maybe we can just… have a trial relationship with no set date?''
''So a real relationship without the burden of needing to love each other?'' Ren asks, his tone is enigmatic, Mael can't tell what it means, and he can't bring himself to look at him.
''It's too much, I'm aware, that's why I don't think we should…'' He attempts to speak but is interrupted by Ren.
''I accept, Mael, I don't mind a loveless real relationship''.
That takes Mael by surprise even more than the kiss and the proposal, who in their right mind would enter a relationship that neither has love nor is beneficial for them? It's clear that the only one winning in this situation is Mael who can draw Ren for free and use him to forget his ex. He stands back, looking at Ren, but his expression is soft and his smile is sincere.
Why? What do you have to win in this situation?
Regardless of the answer, Mael can't bring himself to ask.
And this is how he starts moving on, or at least he thinks he might. After all, isn't this exactly what Dante did as well? What stops Mael from doing the same?