I don't want to do anything today. I just want my brain to shut off for a while. No thinking, no effort, nothing. I feel lazy in a way that doesn't feel like laziness—it feels like my whole system is down. I just want to lie down and disappear into sleep.
The only things that tempt me right now are porn, masturbation, or maybe some romance story—anything that gives a quick dopamine hit. I'm avoiding it, but it's there like a dangling shortcut. A cheap escape.
I don't know if screaming would help or make me feel stupid. I'm writing this because something feels off. Not normal. I'll probably forget this day in a week, but maybe writing keeps me from sinking.
Yesterday mom asked me to study and I snapped. I said studying is useless because I don't see results. But that's bullshit—I'm not even trying. I keep distracting myself with pointless things instead of the things I claim to care about.
The drawing course? Three months. I haven't practiced even one proper week. I call myself pathetic and that only pushes me deeper. Self-pity is like drowning yourself on purpose.
Mom's words hurt, even when she says nothing. Even when she just asks me to eat. It feels like she has given up on me, even if she hasn't. I feel judged by her silence. I want to cry but I don't. I just stay stuck.
My brain keeps pushing me to avoid effort, avoid joy, avoid everything. It's like I'm trapped between "work hard" and "shut down," so I do neither. I'm wasting time and I know it. Every second feels pointless.
I haven't eaten. I feel ashamed to eat like I haven't earned it. As if food needs permission.
And here's the part I'm scared to write—I keep thinking about dying. It's not strong, not dramatic, but it's the first thought that pops up when I ask myself what to do. Like a default setting. I want to scream "I WANT TO DIE," and that scares me because the feeling grows a little each time.