Chapter 1 — For the glory of Great Fish Mint
London, 1991.
The city wore its usual coat of pale grey fog, the kind that blurred the streets and soaked straight into a person's bones. Inside one of the drafty dormitories of St. Maria's Orphanage, Horatio Quibble stared out the window with a dazed expression.
A round-faced brown English chicken was clinging to the sill, pecking at the glass with a letter clenched in its claws.
"…Huh?"
Horatio pushed open the window, gently pried the envelope from the bird's foot, and froze.
Thick parchment.
A wax seal.
A crest with a lion, an eagle, a badger, and a snake circling a big, bold H.
He blinked twice, then opened the letter.
---
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, Order of Merlin First Class)
Dear Mr. Horatio Quibble,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
A list of required books and equipment is attached.
Please send your owl no later than July 31st.
Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress
(T/N: Horatio Quibble ="The dramatic genius who nitpicks reality itself.")
---
Horatio stared at the letter for a full five seconds.
"Oh my God… no, wait, should I say Merlin's bitter tea ,no maybe Merlin's red underwear?
Hold on—I was born British this life, but last life I was a Sichuanese guy from Asia. Shouldn't I be saying Oh, my Shu Mountain instead?"
While he was fighting his identity crisis—British? Sichuanese? Merlinist? Christian?—a mechanical chime rang directly in his mind.
[Ding! Congratulations, host!
You have successfully received your Hogwarts admission letter!]
[This system is proudly sponsored by the Fish Mint Venerable Immortal and his Holy Church of Fish Mint.]
[Our mission: Let fish mint flourish across the multiverse!]
Horatio froze.
A system voice was suspicious… but…
Holy Church of Fish Mint?
He instantly relaxed.
As any Sichuan native knew, anyone who genuinely loved fish mint could not possibly be evil.
If someone wronged him, may their entire hometown fail to grow fish mint for eternity.
Somewhere in another world, a farmer hoeing his field suddenly shivered for no reason.
Horatio cleared his throat.
"Ahem. System, explain your functions. What do you do? What missions do you have?"
---
[Ding!
This system has no mandatory missions.]
[We only humbly hope that when you become successful, you plant fish mint across Hogwarts.]
[Main Features:
– Status Panel
– Tracks your proficiencies
– One large annual gift package]
"…So generous? Alright, show me my panel."
[Status Panel — Horatio Quibble]
Innate Talents
(Humans: 1-10) (11 = Divine Level)
Charms: 9 (Professor Flitwick is delighted.)
Transfiguration: 9 (Professor McGonagall's "Close the Window" disciple.)
Herbology: 11(Professor Sprout reveres you as a deity.)
Potions: 6(Snape thinks your brain is slightly more useful than a troll's.)
Alchemy: 10(Nicolas Flamel would adopt you if it were legal.)
Dark Arts: 8(Pick one: fish mint or melon-eating spell Avada kedavra.)
Ancient Magic: –1(Blame that transfer student.)
Divination: –10("My fate is mine, not the heavens'," you may declare to Trelawney.)
Magical Creature Affinity: 5(Please like magical creatures, not "like-like" them.)
Unique Talent – Flash of Insight (One of a Kind)
Your random ideas sometimes magically succeed.
Terrifying!!!
Learned Spells: None
Items: Newbie Gift Pack
Horatio rubbed his hands.
"Great! Open the newbie gift pack!"
[Ding! Congratulations, host!
You received:]
A bag of fish mint seeds
4 free talent points
Books
Five Years at Hogwarts, Three Years in Azkaban
A Demon God's Study on Souls at a Certain Latitude
Alchemy: Equivalent Exchange Is Fake and I Can Bargain
Botany: Raising Plants in Another World to Become a Buddha
Secret Technique: Clap Hands, Get Whatever You Want
A Certain Scientific (Actually Magic) Academy's Physics Textbook: The Four Fundamental Forces
"System… you're either powerful or illegally pirating multiversal content."
But whatever. He was in the wizarding world.
Time to study.
"Extract Five Years at Hogwarts, Three Years in Azkaban."
BOOM.
A black tome crashed through a swirling black portal, slamming onto the floor so hard the bed bounced.
Horatio gaped at the meter-thick monster.
"I—I'm supposed to study this?! Just this is already an entire prison sentence!"
[This is only the introduction and table of contents.
The full book won't fit inside your room. Shall I continue extraction?]
Horatio: "...No."
---
A few days later
A white-haired old man in eccentric robes arrived at St. Maria's.
"What? Horatio is a wizard? You want him to attend a magic school?
Sister Marilyn stared wide-eyed at the old man.
"In fact, yes," Dumbledore said .
Oh my God—sir, I'm Catholic!"
He flicked his hand.
A teacup on the table turned into a white rat, which immediately bolted.
"My Lord… If this were a few centuries ago, I would be calling the Vatican for firewood and a stake!"
Dumbledore's lips twitched.
She continued, "Anyway, the boy has been locked in his room for days. Smartest child I've seen, but not social at all. No friends. Nobody wants to share a dorm with him."
Dumbledore stiffened.
"Has he bullied other children? Hurt animals?"
"No, no. He just behaves like a tiny old man."
They reached the door.
Sister Marilyn knocked.
"Horatio? Someone's here for you!"
"Come in!"
The door swung open.
Dumbledore immediately drew his wand.
Horatio sat wrapped in a blanket like a depressed dumpling, dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, surrounded by dried corpses of cockroaches, spiders, mice, and geckos.
A ritual circle with runes and a six-pointed star lay on the floor.
Sister Marilyn screamed.
Dumbledore prepared to fire a spell.
Horatio looked up, saw Dumbledore, and his eyes lit up.
He rushed over like an excited rat.
"You're Professor Dumbledore, right?! I'm Horatio Quibble! I got your letter and sent a reply—I want to attend your school!"
Dumbledore slowly put away his wand.
"…Child, please explain this...mmm...ritual circle."
"Oh, this? I was making the Philosopher's Stone."
Dumbledore: "…"
"I found this book years ago. Thought it was fake. But after receiving your letter, I tried it out."
In truth, he'd simply asked the system for the alchemical recipe—because school required money.
And he had none.
He even spent a talent point upgrading Alchemy.
[Alchemy: 11]
(Your casual attempts surpass mortal comprehension.
Runes and elements obey you like soldiers.
You may one day craft a new world.)
Horatio proudly took out a tiny dark crimson gem.
"This Stone uses cockroach and mouse life force.
Works like the real one but limited to five uses."
He tapped a bronze candleholder.
Instantly, it turned into gold.
"Four uses left."
Ho.ly .....,Dumbledore screamed internally.
"Sister Marilyn," he said stiffly, "may I speak with Horatio alone?"
She nodded—still dazed—and left to pray.
When the room quieted, Dumbledore sighed.
"Child… you've given me a very complicated problem."
He didn't use Obliviate. Alchemy wasn't technically dark magic, after all. Flamel himself was proof.
"But promise me one thing—no using humans to make Stones."
Horatio rolled his eyes.
"Human souls are good quality, sure, but weak in life force. If I need better materials, I'll fly to Australia and use cane toads. Problem solved."
"…Good child."
Dumbledore patted his head.
"I'll hold onto this book for now. When you're older, I'll return it. And in exchange, I'll grant you one small favor."
Horatio didn't mind. The system had backups.
"Now pack your things. I'll take you to Diagon Alley to buy supplies.
Also… you need to say goodbye to Sister Marilyn.
Given your situation, you'll need a guardian soon."
"Sure. One more thing—I don't have money."
"That's fine, the Ministry offers new-student loans. They aren't much, but—"
Before he could finish, Horatio tapped his wooden nightstand.
The entire piece turned into solid gold.
"I think… I have money now."
Dumbledore: "…"
---
T/N:
"The Holy Church of Fish Mint" is from the MC's past life.The so-called "折耳根神教 (Holy Church of Zhe'ergen or Holy church of fish mint)" is a joke.
折耳根 (zhe'ergen) = Houttuynia cordata, also known as:fish mint,fish leaf,yuxingcao,chameleon plant.
In Sichuan and Guizhou it's eaten as a herb or vegetable.
Some people LOVE it.
Some people HATE it with their entire soul.
It is a herb with a notoriously strong smell.
Some people think it's divine.
Some think it tastes like licking a swamp demon.
Fish mint (Houttuynia) this herb —people either worship it or hate it with their soul.In his region, loving it is practically a religion.
Thus, the "Fish Mint Cult" was born.
So in Chinese internet culture:
People who absolutely love折耳根- joke that they are part of the"折耳根教 / 折耳根神教" (Purslane/Fish Mint Cult).
People who hate it say it's "evil," "demonic," "smells like hell," etc.
People who love it claim it's "divine," "holy," and "chosen food."
It's all internet meme humor, not a real religion.