Isn't hope such a funny thing? The best of us wish and pray and put into action the change we want to see in the world, only for it to be crushed by Another. Another so similar you could catch them staring back at you through a mirror. But the mirror loves to invert, doesn't it? Thus, the Another always feels so twisted to us. It's hopes and ideals so rooted in obvious atrocity, wrought in barbarity, yet still carries on with more vigor than any of us could muster.
When we meet the Another, we can't help but feel sick. Stuck in opposition. Feeling like everything we do is wrong. Hopes, dreams, ideals, all become a mess in our mind.
I've never known what to do with this conflict. I've never been the kind of person to feel confident in any answer really. I'm still not proud about either of those things. I'm not proud of much. I'm not proud of thinking this way about myself. It all makes me want to retch, my stomach churns in harmony.
When I meet the Another, I get nervous. I freeze up. I say every stupid thing you could think of. And yet, I crave meeting them. My soul hurts without them all. Every single one. Even if I could never reciprocate. My heart and body weighed down in muck whenever my mind realizes myself and what I do.
The Another... Likely feels the same as us all. Like two sides of the same coin, our situations and circumstances are the same, we just can never get the pleasure of meeting eye to eye.
My brain feels like soup. What am I even thinking about? I'll never remember any of this. Should I? Maybe if someone, Another was with me, these thoughts would cease. Heh, what a selfish thought. I count the stars in the sky. Or is it just the back of my eyelids? Dots, it's dots I see either way. A delirious state begets more random thoughts and words invading my mind. Amidst it all, 13 small words stand out to me.
*What starts now, is the first day of the rest of my life.*
A wonderful world grows alive before my very eyes. A canvas of both greenery and expressive life I've never quite seen before. It's another dream, is what it seems. It has to be, without a doubt. I've had dreams of all kinds almost every night since I was young. That habit hasn't stopped even after all these years. Not that it's something to lament, not at all, it's peaceful. Beautiful to me honestly. My negative streak clouds it I guess. Good or bad or mostly unknown, I'll always cherish this warmth.
Although, isn't it a little bit strange to be thinking all this during a dream? Usually, if I ever really realize a dream while it's in progress, I get to be greeted by my eyes opening and a perfectly beige ceiling.
Heh, I wonder what's so different now. Am I really dreaming? My vision and other senses seem fine, enhanced even. A nice surprise, I suppose. I get to see innumerable trees in a forest I've never been to, along with smells I've never experienced to keep me company. The lush green sights and the mossy scent overwhelms my senses with a unique sensation. I guess that adds to the strangeness. I rarely dream of places I've never been, nor have dreams with little subjects beyond the vivid beauty of nature. Now, all my senses are so heavily invaded. And just centering on that thought, perhaps it's really a bit more melancholy beneath its grand visage. Like the faintest dash of blood on the brightest gown. Maybe I should just be happy with anything I get to feel.
I stare and study for a while. My body is not present, yet my senses are alive and well. The world feels real and surreal. Enough to count each individual piece of bark on a tree and then wonder why that bird you just saw fly by looks nothing like what you'll see on Earth. A potent duo indeed, especially in giving me an imaginary headache.
Wait, hold on to those straining thoughts, I hear something now. The wind's an unavoidable surrounding commotion, but beyond that... I think I hear footsteps, urgent ones. Just... Let me turn around! I need to turn around and see who or what it is! I need to---!
My inner voice stops its screeching as I suddenly see a horrific image. Congested hate is how I should describe it. The large beast towering is beyond comprehension. It steps closer. So loudly I no longer hear the original steps I was so concerned by just a few seconds ago. So many hideous faces congeal together with no rhyme or rhythm. They morph, between a horrifically intelligible and a calming unfathomable, with no tell where any singular part begins. How did this gore even come to be? It taints all the world. In my mind or otherwise. My heart starts beating quicker, fighting my logical sensibilities that no harm comes from a dream.
I'm going to die. I won't but I will. Why won't my body just move! Why! I'm really going to die and it's only getting closer and closer and closer and I don't know why or how or what's going on and it's only getting closer and—
And—
"Brrring! Brrring!"
As is a typical start to a weekday for me, I get to hear my alarm blare. Urging me out of bed and off to a new day much earlier than I would wish for.
Damn... What a dream... Not sure if I'm glad or not to be woken up right then of all times. It ended on quite a scary cliffhanger, obviously, but such an interesting dream nonetheless. It's nice to feel things, even if the feels are grisly ones. Though, to play devil's advocate, that mess of a monster never got too close. I didn't even really have a body in that dream now that I pause and think about it. Yeah, thinking about it like that, I'm not even really sure how that thing would kill me. It's just looking at the damn thing that was so overwhelming. Dreams are weird like that, and I'm pretty foolish to always forget it.
Well, I can't think too long unfortunately. It's off to another day of college for me, and I'm just hoping this day goes a bit better than the last. Well... Not just yesterday, I also wish it to be better than the day before that, and even the one before the before, believe it or not. So on goes with that line of self-indulgent rambling. I laugh. At least I can get a smile from my own stupid babbling. Laughing at my foolishness is all I can do to handle it.
To be clear, it's not that my academic skills are dooming me to a worthless life, nor am I constantly causing issues upon issues for others. It's truly just a personal issue for me, as embarrassing as it is to say; I haven't made a real friend at college yet. Not for lack of trying, at least I like to think that. I just haven't hit it off with anyone quite like me yet.
All I've got are mutual acquaintances, really sweet ones mind you, but not enough to quell my raging, selfish need for human connection. Only centering on me, don't forget that of course. I can feel for sure that people see right through me to find the person I truly am. For better for them I'll say, even if I try to stay true to myself.
Regrettably, my right hand twitches when I think about every bit of this. That's always been my nervous tick, as much as I continue to deny my feelings. Right up there with this cringe inducing self demeaning talk I never fail to resort to. Soon the consternation will move to my neck, won't it? Thinking about it all the time is a little therapeutic, if that's any consolation.
Today will be different though, I'm sure! I smack my cheeks together playfully to affirm this. Confidence is key! And everything else they say. "They" being, the people who are surely better at this whole living thing than yours truly, I reckon. I laugh again at my overzealous words. So, thus this will be, another day of putting myself out into the world, and striving to stay true to myself all the while. Really, removing the pedantic prattle of my exasperatingly anxious thoughts, all of this experience, both the highs and lows, as they say, will be nothing but a great thing. As long as I make sure to not like, ruin anyone's lives. I've already learned so much I didn't know about myself in this time away from my family, and it just started! A lot I thought I knew about myself and the world has been completely turned on its head. New thoughts and self-doubt like this is kinda to be expected to an extent.
Although these thoughts and all they bring have been occupying me the entire time I've been getting ready for school today, so maybe it is more concerning than I give it undue credit for. I guess it's probably good to admit, I definitely have at least some anxiety surrounding this. More than some, if we wanna be realistic. Which... come on, I don't think wanting a friend in this new city I'm living in is too absolutely goddamn pathetic. Ah well, a smile will help, and hopes of the smiles I want to bring.
The potential symbolicness of that dream I just had is not lost on me either. Unsure, is how my face probably looks, despite my executive function to change my expression. The mirror states my assumption right back to me flawlessly. Despite all of this, I'm able to eventually head out with a positive attitude I desire after a little pep talk. Whether it's extremely forced or not, well... Add that to the pile of things I don't wanna ever think a damn thought about again. Today's a new day, dammit! I should be joyful!
"G-good morning," I wave with said greeting towards a passerby, snapping myself away from generating even more out-there thoughts. A little too awkward of a transition for my taste, as I clearly haven't shaken off all that just happened.
He's another student like me, so he's probably not too offended. His face doesn't signal anything nasty. That nice face of his is one I see enough here and there to recognize his face, a friendly one. With both of us on our way out of the dorms, he just replies with a polite, short, and sweet,
"Good morning to you as well," and we're both on our own ways.
My personal way to school is likely a bit more confused than his, as I've yet to fully adjust to this new place I'm living in. Being so far away from my family and home as well, that definitely hasn't helped my spirits much. He looked more sure of himself.
I guess to counteract all this and that, only one real thought occupies my mind on my walk.
"What a strange dream," I mouth to myself.
Part of my thoughts stemming from the dream fill me with a warm feeling, like this day will truly be special somehow. That dream was definitely trying to tell me something. And it's not often I get a dream I'll remember for days to come. However, another fragment of thought makes me worried, like it'll be an omen of... Something. I don't know... The real terror during, and the uncanny feeling after is, at the very least, certainly an incorrigible duo.
My hand slowly but surely finds its way to my pockets from the blowing cool air. My nails scrape against a lightly ticking pocket watch. I pull out the dinky thing. School was giving these out the other day. It feels of the dollar store variety, but it's still quite a great sentiment no matter what. Signifies what everyone here at college feels to me; Kind. It's gold shine giving off all sorts of fancy impressions. Definitely enough to want to stuff it in my pocket on the way out of my room and keep it along on the ride. "Value your time," is inscribed across the bottom, the hands of the clock sometimes overlapping the phrase. It was given out as a part of a lesson about managing your time and schedule, so makes sense. The three words hold the idea well. Oh, and would you look at that.
I'm at campus now. I look upward. The clouds feel so low today, I might be able to reach out and grab a chunk of them. Maybe I should give our world a little more room for the sun to shine. Don't think there's a human tall enough for that though. If there are, it's certainly not me, not in a million years. I don't even have a big enough heart in the first place.
Heh, I should head to class now.
"Rayne, are you listening?" My lecturer stirs me out of my stupor. My mind can barely focus today, the annoying organ it is. I guess I've really been in a funk. My brain refuses to just shut up about so many things.
"Now let me ask again," He asks me his question again. I double my efforts in focusing, feeling a few piercing stares. But really, Most don't even care, but that doesn't stop my anxious mind from assuming everyone is thinking about me for some asinine reason. Whatever! I can think about all these other things after the school day is over. Small colleges are nice to have real, "student to teacher," conversation like this. I shouldn't take it for granted by being so frustratingly unaware and just enjoy the luxury!
I step out of my last class. I'm still thinking about that dream and the distinct impact it imprinted on every single one of my senses. It distracts me from my frustrations at myself. These incessant thoughts showing that, yet again, my brain refuses to shut its metaphorical trap. My whole body honestly feels of both excitement and destitute.
In the end, I'm sincerely hoping the dream continues tonight somehow, as unrealistic as that sounds. I've not had much to be happy about lately, why not relish what I can? More importantly, I hope my gnawing mind doesn't ruin my grades. That's not too much to ask, right? Gotta remember to stay present and in the moment I guess. That's what's big. I've caused myself plenty of headache forgetting or missing things from having my head up in the clouds.
Now, as I head on out towards the exit, I get to see a familiar face on the campus path.
"Oh, hey," I greet the boy from earlier, hoping to start any kind of pleasant conversation. We've seen each other just by luck quite often, including this morning. His face seems so inviting, I take that as a sign, "Kinda silly how we keep passing by each other so often, huh?"
"Y-yeah," He replies with a smile not unlike my own, even despite his features being quite distinct from the ones I possess. I can absolutely tell from a cursory glance that his kind soul is one I can connect with. Perhaps a more shy soul. He continues, "I would... like to call it fate, I guess."
"I was thinking the same exact thing. Heh, it's really too bad we don't share any classes," I keep it simple in response. It's more fun to believe in fate rather than us just having similar schedules or whatever. That's such a pedestrian explanation, it makes me sick. "Though, since we're likely to keep encountering one another, I'll think it's appropriate to say... My name's Rayne, and it's nice to meet you. And... I hope our fates continue serving us," The confidence I'm able to imbue in my words, and my now outstretched arm, just begging for a handshake, makes me positively giddy. I'm smiling like idiot and I couldn't be happier.
"That's very kind of you... I go by Robin," His face caves up into a smile as he pays back the introduction. His longer hair rocking toward his right during our greeting. I notice now that we actually both thought to extend our hands at the exact same time, meeting now in an impromptu handshake that just feels right. He then asks, "Do you like college so far? I think you're a freshman too, right?" He seems noticeably cautious saying that, funnily enough.
"Yeah, I am. I'm still feeling kinda nervous about the whole thing honestly, but I'm trying my best. Oh, a-and don't worry, I don't mind the phrase a bit, even if I was, like, a super senior or something silly. I don't really have any pride or anything wrapped up in all that," I'm hoping my reply wasn't too awkward, so I tack another chuckle onto the end to try and smooth it out. I can relate to his anxiety about wishing not to say something incorrect or offensive while trying to make conversation, so I add that to the list of things we'll connect with.
"That's cool! So we're both truly new here." He smiles so sweetly, it gives me life, powering my own. I hope he's as happy as I am to find someone to relate to, and I would never ever even think to deny feeling the exact same. My mind's racing, yet the beautiful words from him keep coming. "I have some nerves too, so hopefully we both do away with them soon. We'll graduate together, won't we?" He continues the conversation, his face sticking to a smile, as we both start walking together. Nowhere in particular it seems, just across the dazzling campus of this town's small but praised and esteemed university.
And so we talk. About what we've been learning, our classes, interests, anything that feels right. College majors are an obvious conversation starter. He decided on a psychology major, and so is now taking all the classes associated with it.
"I really want to be... helpful, to others. I think understanding humans is what I really desire, because then I can be useful," Were his words. Ones I can agree with wholeheartedly. He says them all with a peaceful look on his face. I couldn't help but let him know mine as well, an art major.
"Time has been flying by so fast lately. Everything's been a blur since I've arrived here at college," I declare next. I hope he feels the same.
"Yeah, thankfully, this is my hometown, so I didn't have to travel far at all. Still doesn't make this any less exciting, I can say that much. But it's so impressive to travel so far just to come here! I bet it's hard being away from everything you know, so it's pretty admirable," Robin lets out a giggle towards his passionate remark. I join in.
Conversation flows easily as we both feel a unique comfort. He talks about how he loves reading, I return it with some books I really love. I say I love to learn, we both talk about what we've learned at college. So with conversation flowing, this little thing called time felt the need to join in. And too soon, it's time to part.
"Bye! See you tomorrow, Rayne!" Robin pronounces nicely with some waves. I return it.
"Same here Robin! Thank you so much for the time together today!" I wave back. He smiles and thanks me in return, leaving us both with some obviously warm feelings.
"I'm so happy we got to meet," He finishes before trekking, in a tone I've never heard anyone use toward me before. I'm so happy I made someone's day. I rarely, if ever, do.
And now here I am. Standing, looking over the campus once again, a promise to meet in the same place, same time tomorrow still fresh in my mind. I just bask in it. Blinking my eyes, counting ticks in my mind, the trinket in my pocket following. Just existing. Eventually, and before I know it, I'm pulling out my phone, my body knowing what I want before my mind does. A common theme today perhaps. Especially makes sense this time, I'm just carrying on a tradition.
"Hey Mom," Are the first two words I utter into the heart of my cell phone. A giddy but also emotional cadence coming out of my mouth that I could never hope to contain. I did need to quell my tears before I could even dial the number after all. I've called my Mom everyday since I moved away, and today is no different. I know she loves our calls, but my inner-self critic wants to call myself out for how much time I may be taking from her, or the potential of interrupting her. In beautiful spite of that, no amount of self-doubt will damper the joy I get from hearing the other end. Her 'Yes dear?' is everything to me.
"Y-yeah, guess what? I... I found a friend at college today! He's so nice and... Yeah, I feel so happy," I speak nervously over the line, appreciating every word I get to hear in response, before I continue. "Yeah, h-his name is Robin and he's really sweet. Exactly the kind of friend I like! We're gonna meet tomorrow and... I've got a whole life I've lived to tell, and him too. I can't wait to chat again!" After introducing him, she asks more about Robin, in her own encouraging and exciting voice that still finds new ways to melt my already softened heart.
"I'm really proud of you, son," That really pulls me over the edge.
The phone call goes by faster than I can think, makes sense, as my overwhelming joy makes every dang conversation today flow. Before I know it, I've made my way back to my dorm, and even more swiftly, night comes and I'm off to bed. Not before a bit of homemade pasta though, of course, a classic. The bed feels extra comfy today. Everything that happened swirls in my mind, making me lay in bed with a big smirk. So I just lay, my body too excited to get sleepy easily.
The excitement coursing through my veins overpower my sense of time. I could barely do the homework I'm supposed to before my energy levels crash and I'm here in bed. Heh, this feeling is addictive.
Robin's tenderness that I've never quite felt before from a peer. My mom's nostalgic voice replaying again and again. The tear jerking thought of knowing that someone truly likes me for who I am, and I like them right back. A dream come true. Yet, despite all of those sublime thoughts revolving around my brain, that strange dream still persists, and it's my last thought before I fully drift off. The smell of trees, sap, and grass returns in a deep spiral. Every dream I've had and have, converging in ways I never thought possible. All becomes one point for me in the circle of realities every existence calls home.
I see my body. Well, what I can see of my body. Our eyes are always restricted in that way, huh? Gazing out my eyes, I see my hands, they're as my hands always should be, what else did I expect. How did I end up here though? Nary a coherent thought can travel in my dazed mind.
I overhear footsteps, shockingly recognizable ones, yet my stupefied mind can't connect any sense of stronger familiarity to a thing right now. All this thinking, yet it is only now that I finally look up, because nothing gets done behind a haze of rumination. Instead, I must ground myself.
And... It's... It's that forest again! This forest! From the dream again! My body completely chills and shakes, my psyche an indescribable mix of both a high level of consciousness deep-rooted in me, yet absolute, frustrating, brainless befuddlement. All this thinking about irrelevant bullshit still doesn't distract my ears, as those very same footsteps that awakened my consciousness no longer grace me as auditory ambience. They've resolved their destination and stopped on a dime.
So spurred on by countless reasons, I focus my vision with a prayer I can't quite describe. I see a human. The most beautiful human I've ever seen. Long blonde hair, unique pointed ears. It's obvious what I'm seeing, if I so choose to believe it. She raises an arm, the other extending to grasp her lower wrist, and holds tight to a glowing, unfamiliar device. And as I peer onto an oncoming horde of something indescribable. One appears as an army. Again, the fused mob appears here. As detestable a beast as ever. The horde of pure hatred marches forward, the threat feeling exponentially more real this second time. So I cower, and as I recoil behind this enigmatic yet radiant girl, a flash of light burns bright across the forest, a fire in both her eyes to match.