Friday, May 4, 7:50pm
"Soil, I need to get my soil..." I was mumbling to myself as I was getting ready to meet Alexander. The entire day went by without thinking about it, surprisingly enough, as Riven's kiss took over my mind completely. What an unfortunate time to fall in love! School was almost neglected by me, like my mom does as a parent; I am not investing enough energy into an arranged relationship with the "CEO of my life", and I fell in love, as a cherry on top of the whole situation!
"Hey darling, I have a solution for you in case you are still shaking over meeting your daddy...!" said Rita, speedwalking to the fridge.
"I am not hungry, thank you. I just need to imagine Riven, like I did last time! Since I know what it feels like to be kissed by him, I am more confident I will do it better with my "job" tonight."
I replied to her without realizing what she would pull out from the fridge and bring to me, as I was busy finishing the touches before heading out. John was waiting for nearly an hour.
"No, I don't mean food. I mean this..."
Rita stood in front of me with the bottle of white wine, which was getting wet by the temperature difference, releasing condensation quickly. She has a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.
"You should try just a little, just a few sips. I am beyond thankful to Chardonnay! Without wine, I would not pass the disguise state of sleeping with wrinkly, jelly-like-bodied men. Wine makes every man look more attractive, it is a well-known fact!"
"Rita, you know my story and why I left home. You know it too damn well! Why are you trying to give me what I literally ran away from?!"
"I don't know your mom, but I think you are not like her...you can drink a little bit as an aperitif for upcoming dates, and that's all! I am not pushing you to get down a whole bottle!"
"My answer is no!" I screamed at Rita, which I rarely do to anyone.
My tough childhood taught me to mute myself if I don't want even more problems, and problems I've always had. So I learnt to stay silent or at least speak low to prevent any more drama. Raising my voice felt like unlocking a new emotion.
"Okay, okay! I am backing off...you are weird sometimes, Charlotte."
"What exactly is weird in me? The fact that I want to stay sober and not fall into any substance abuse like my relative? Huh?"
"No, not that, you just refuse to help yourself to do a better job and be easy about it; it seems like your genuine choice is to suffer..."
"It is not. I am working on it and not asking you or anyone for help! If my sharing is making you feel like my mother, it is not my problem! I am not asking you to mothering me!"
I went all in into argument with Rita. In the back of my mind, I knew I was not right about using such a tone to her; she didn't deserve this. And I knew why I was reacting this way...The wine, the booze, or any spirit in general would help me; it is a fact I have known since the day I realized my mom is an alcoholic. All kinds of addictions are passed by genetics, and based on my expressive reaction to my mom, I KNEW I had a high risk of developing this too.
"Charlotte, I don't want to argue. I am not your mother, but I want to be your big sister. Please understand that our work is not ordinary, and we can't use ordinary ways to manage stress...I am drinking wine from time to time if I feel overwhelmed, and see, I am not an alcoholic! I am doing fine, looking healthy, and thinking clearly! I know you are a very controlling person when it comes to yourself, you should at least consider giving it a try..."
Rita looked guilty as hell by finishing her sentence, yet she knew she had to say what she wanted to say till the end. I didn't reply to her; instead, I took the apartment keys and shut the door loudly enough for the neighbors to hear, leaving my home with the conflict unresolved.
I sat in John's car and asked him to turn on the music for me. He knows my music taste by now, which is very sweet of him.
I felt a sudden eruption of energy and confidence coming out of my body, whether it was from triggering my childhood trauma or just feeling "excited" to redo my failed attempt to enjoy sex with Alexander...
"Enjoy" is a strong word; a more accurate way to say it would be "feel less overwhelmed".
Before coming out of the car, I pinched myself a few times to remind this is the reality I chose, and I am going for it for my future and financial foundation. I am going to make him proud tonight!
"Thank John!" I said, leaving the car, realising I was late for my date.
I sprinted on Rita's "hard to break in" heels to the hotel lobby. Can't call them uncomfortable anymore, as it turned out today that I am more skilled with heels now. As soon as I walked into the lobby, the hotel's manager spotted me and quickly came over to escort me to the spa.
"Miss Charlotte, welcome back. Let me escort you to the spa facility, please."
"No, it's okay! I will find it myself. Where is it located?"
"Are you sure, Miss Charlotte? Mr. Montrose said you will need help."
"I don't. Please, just tell me the direction." Ending my sentence with a smile, so that the manager doesn't find me rude.
Today I learnt that my anger's root is anxiety and a form of self-defence. Interesting what else I will learn about myself with this job...
"Sure, Miss Charlotte. It is on the seventh floor, and it is entirely dedicated to a spa."
"Thank you, and sorry if I seemed rude."
"Not at all. Enjoy your massage."
I took the elevator to the spa floor. As I arrived, I saw two Asian women greeting me. They told me that Mr. Montrose has reserved an entire spa for this night, which obviously he did...
The ladies told me where to change clothes and showed me the massage room. I got undressed quickly and went into the treatment room.
There he was, my "soil investor"...Mr. Alexander Montrose himself, with just a towel on, barely covering his private parts...just like the last time in this hotel. Traumatizing, but I have to accept it already.
"Good late evening, Charlotte. What a coincidence, we said goodbye with towels on last time, and we are greeting each other again with the same towels..." he smiled like a devil.
This time, he seemed more energetic and less worried about offending or scaring me. I could feel a strong presence of dominance in the room, on top of the elevated temperature in the spa; it felt like I had entered hell.
"Good evening, Mr. Montose. Yes, it is a funny coincidence, perhaps, next time I will meet you naked."
Spa staff blushed but kept the giggling or shocking sounds to themselves.
Alexander gave both of them cash directly into their hands, which he clearly prepared prior to my presence here.
"Thank you, ladies. I will need you to give us some private time. In this spa session, my lady and I will give each other a massage. You are free."
They left very quickly, and without realising it, I was left alone with him in a big hotel's spa.
"So, how are you feeling today?" he asked me, trying to keep the distance between us.
"I am well. Actually, I was looking forward to tonight's massage. Didn't know it will be you who will massage my body." I said while crossing my arms and standing in a Napoleon pose.
"Ha-ha, you don't believe me that I can be great at giving a massage?"
Oh lord, don't start on this. Maybe it is just my luck with first sex, but he wasn't as sensual or gentle as he promised he would. So, for tonight's massage, I had low hope.
"You can prove it to me, now..." and the spa towel dropped from my body, revealing a freshly shaved, covered in glittery lotion body. I was shining like Edward from the Twilight movie as the steam in the spa room started playing with glitter, giving my silhouette a very sexy look.
"That's my diamond! I am happy to see you are getting better..."
He started moving towards me, and I saw the pelvic area had activated an increased blood flow, causing him to get hard almost momentarily. He asked me to lie down on the massage bed, which I did without any resistance, mentally settling myself to keep the play going. Tonight, my sugar baby role was promised to be way more satisfactory, as I have my fears leashed and Riven's presence in my mind.
"I want to give you a massage you never had before..." Alexander stated, then disappeared from my view.
I closed my eyes and imagined my genuine love interest, Riven. This time, memories were strong enough to push back all the overthinking. As an added support, I had to keep in mind that I would be paid for this, in case Riven disappears from my brain again.
The room was warm and comfortable. I was inhaling aroma oils and waiting for Alexander's touch. Within a few seconds, I felt him climbing onto the massage bed and leaning towards my lower stomach. I could sense his hot breathing on my abdomen. He gave a slow but short kiss, after which he stopped. He probably paused to see how I would react, and I held up well. It felt tolerable, on top of which my imagination turned on. It projected Riven to me, giving the same kiss and staring back at me before mimicking whatever Alexander would do next.
I felt his lips giving kisses all the way down to the place where he took my virginity. After a few more "try-on" kisses, he put his tongue on it, slowly licking and twisting his tongue around the gates of my body.
His movements down there, plus adding thoughts about the Riven, gave me a sense of pleasure. It was nothing compared to my first time, which slowly but powerfully beat my anxiety and stress about having sex with Alexander. I was lying on a spa bed, my legs spread, feeling nothing but excitement building up in my body.
"Look who is enjoying! I told you, my massage skills are top tier, no young man will give you it like me..." he took a quick pause to say it and then dived back into the process.
No young man? Does he suspect me, or is he just trying to get a compliment out of my mouth? At this time of the day, I didn't want to care about what he was saying, as I was already fully tuned in to the process. There is a sense of shame slightly swinging by as I want to confess one thing - I like what Alexander is doing to me right now. The search for the perfect equation for my life is complete; there is no need to fight myself anymore over sleeping with Alexander, as I have my support standing confidently in my mind, and it is Riven.
The warm feeling, which reminded me of a river flow, was spreading throughout my body as he continued his tongue game. Every movement was intensified by the idea that it was done by Riven...only if he knew my dirty mind right now. I was close to peaking; meanwhile, my mouth couldn't resist the slight, almost inaudible moan.
Alexanded either sensed or heard that, because he almost immediately stopped and went up to my face area, putting his body on top of mine again. History book on a shelf repeated itself, as we were lying like a sandwich on a bed again. He didn't hesitate to go inside and start the intercourse, while I kept my eyes closed to prevent losing my excitement. Surely Riven's motions would be different; he wouldn't be out of his breath so quickly like Alexander. As I was already warmed up inside, when he went in, I had no pain response sent to the nervous system by my brain...the pleasure has continued.
I imagined intimate nights with Riven; they gave me a sense of safety. Weirdly enough, sex with Riven sounded safe and secure to my mentality.
Apart from playful, bright imagination, I managed to interact with Alexander, giving him a sensual moan in response to his actions. He responded to them with much louder, stronger sounds...I got it! I got the situation under my control! This is what Rita was telling me all this time: this is her bulletproof method for seeming genuinely in love with your man without losing your mind over having sex with him. This is an undetectable lie, which is sweet for both me and Alexander.
Alexander finished on the corner of the spa bed this time, likely for me. Due to the hot temperature in the room, his freshly released liquid filled the room with its smell, and I almost gagged from it... This is what Rita mentioned, too. I didn't taste it, but I can surely tell what she meant by its bitterness.
After sex, he suggested we use the jacuzzi ... naked. I never experienced a bubbly jacuzzi, so I didn't say no and quickly moved from the spa bed to another spot. Alexander followed me and sat right by my side, despite the jacuzzi being huge enough for eight people. Of course, we are playing "lovers", so he grabbed my waist underwater and looked at me :
"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it this time, super fast learned! You are one of a kind, truly...Not only a good student in school, but also in bed. I am giving you A+ for tinight class, ha-ha-ha!"
"Yes, you are right. It felt good, but student-wise I am not confident enough...I have finals next week, and I am not ready for them."
"Don't worry, you will get into any university you want. I will give a few words for you, and all finances will be on my side as well. Just be a good student on a bed subject with me, and I am all yours..."
So, the imagining method worked so well that he is willing to pay my tuition? This is absolutely unbelievable news for me, except Riven...how am I going to add an actual relationship with him in my current life, apart from just imagining him every time I have sex with Alexander?
I leaned my head to Alexander's chest.
"That is right, you are my good girl."
"Whatever you say...And sorry for making a scene last time we were here, I was too emotionally wrecked, as you don't lose your virginity every day."
"I get it, you are the first lady in many years of my life who is...was a virgin. I already forgot how awesome and significant to me it feels to be the first man in her life."
"You are my first man in almost everything we do together, also my first 'employer'..."
"Today you will be getting a raise, as the worker of the month."
"What raise is for the worker of the year?"
"Oh, you are a greedy girl! You want to know what comes with it...?"
He started tickling my stomach, which is my sensitive area. I started laughing so loud that spa workers came back, wondering if something serious had happened here. We were absolutely busted by them while still sitting naked in a jacuzzi.
"We are fine!" said Alexander.
"He is not a killer, all good!" I shouted back to them.
We all laughed, and that was wrapping up my late evening date with Mr.Montrose.
Friday, May 4, 11:20pm
*phone message notification from Rita*
-Are you still mad at me?
-No, I am not. I feel bad for shouting at you...
-I was this emotional too when I was younger, it will pass...I get you
-He gave me 5.000 , Rita. I did it.
-OMG!!!! Did lube worked?
-No, I didn't need it as I was thinking of R....I was wet down there
-See, I told you!
-Yeah, now it feels better. I am not battling myself to meet A again.
-A must be very happy now lol
-He is; he mentioned paying for my college
- I gotta check your vagina...what is down there that he is so crazy
-lol
-talk later, I have to try to make $ tonight
My somewhat manic episode ended, welcoming the depressing one as soon as I sat in the car.
Little did Rita know that I have zero delight about what happened today. I am a liar, a prostitute who is faking orgasms and lying to her romantic interest about her actual life.
If Riven finds out, I will lose him forever, as no good guy will fall for the truth I have, yet he is falling in love with a trap. On the other side of the story is Alexander, who will break off the contract with me, giving my future nothing but an anti-utopia, precisely what I used to live weeks ago.
I left home thinking I could do better, which, from a distance, looks like a good, easy life, while I really am living in a lie. This lie can only provide a temporary sense of euphoria, happiness, and excitement. As soon as it ends, I am left with consuming, destructive thoughts and feelings of complete disappointment about who I am becoming.
My mind is not shaped for a sugar baby lifestyle, as I am not getting a sense of satisfaction after earning money from Mr.Montrose. Yet, I firmly believe that one day I will, and all of the fake games will pay off for me.
My mental state was on a speed race to a low point, causing me to question if I really needed help. Just an hour ago, I was happily spending time in a jacuzzi, feeling right about how incredible an actress I am, as Alexander seems to fall for me harder than before.
And now I am on the way home, sitting on a passenger seat and feeling like I have a ginormous hole in the middle of my body, which was getting bigger each nanosecond, making me at risk of disappearing. I regret this spa, I regret figuring out how to do it, I just regret my choice.
But what if I quit right now, go back home with all my savings, and start all over? I wouldn't have to lie to Riven, as I am not too deep into it yet. What if ?... I asked myself, knowing clearly I won't go back.
I was scared to admit that I am still hoping for the best outcome. The naive part of me is hoping I will work it out, getting as much money from Alexander as possible while building a relationship with Riven. And when the time comes, when I get into college and achieve my financial stability, I will break the contract, opening myself up for an honest, sincere relationship.
I didn't see love when I was little, so being where I am right now feels like the last corner before the big jackpot. If I just keep it a few months longer, I can get everything I want: money, college, and Riven.
"We have arrived, Miss Charlotte. Have a good night," said John as he parked the car near my apartment building.
"Thank you, good night to you too, John."
As I reached home, I went to the kitchen and stood in front of the fridge. Tonight has been another emotionally intense day for me, as I discovered my temper while arguing with Rita and my lying abilities. I felt dirty, almost covered in my own shit that is impossible to wash away. Tension between me and the fridge was building up, as I couldn't stop thinking about that wine, which I had rejected earlier. My mouth had never tasted alcohol before, and on top of many layers of stress, desperation, and self-sabotage, I wanted nothing but to get lost. I craved that wine.
My hands started to shake, as what I am about to do feels like a crime, a riot against my strong beliefs. I removed the bottle's cap and took a quick sniff. This wine had a slightly sour smell, which wasn't bad to my taste. I stopped for a moment, giving myself more time to think and hopefully put the bottle back in the fridge.
Car thoughts kicked back in, causing me to be on the edge of screaming and crumbling in that kitchen.
I did a few big chugs of wine straight up from the bottle, then stopped in complete silence. My mind was shocked, as I didn't hear any more thoughts coming this night. I process what I did while reflecting on the wine's taste. It felt good and refreshing, in a sense, calming me down. This entire time, I was against the obvious, that I do, in fact, need to have some alcohol in my life.
"I will have just a few more sips, then I will put it back and get ready for bed. Not a big deal, I can do just like Rita does, just a couple of glasses per week, and that's it. The majority of adults drink it, and I am already an adult..." these words came out of my restless mouth while rushing to meet lips with the bottle again.
I am, in fact, an adult now, as my life went from girl to a woman in the blink of an eye. Who cares about the legal age for drinking?
Sip after sip, and I was already rotating the bottle, trying to see its bottom as I finished it. It was already open, as Rita had drunk around a quarter of it, so I didn't consume the entire thing, but still, it was impressive of me in a bad way.
Those alcohol percentages kicked in fast by the time I was done with the bottle, so I went straight to my phone, searching for Riven's contact.
-I mss you
-Charlotte, I miss you too.
Riven replied quickly, not giving my brain time to think what I want to text next...What exactly do I want from him at such a late hour?
-I cant wait for my birthday
-If you let me, I will throw a little birthday celebration for you. Please give it a thought:)
-I want you
And my eyelids got heavy. The next thing I remember is a sense of them closing, like a theatre curtain.
I blacked out in the kitchen.