Early October. I started to deal with side effects from alcohol consumption and fairly "once per week" cocaine usage. My body began to show weird signs of being overly sensitive to food taste, making me nauseated almost an entire day, which resulted in a slight weight loss.
My thought, from briefly thinking about a therapist to seriously considering scheduling an appointment with one, went from point A to B pretty quickly. I could not stand the queasiness from coffee, as it was my morning, afternoon, and evening drink at its minimum. However, when I would take down a small glass of wine or a sip of whiskey, it would settle, allowing me to eat and drink normally.
My mind needed support, and since the day I fought with Rita, I have been missing her so much. I barked at her like a stray dog when she wanted to help me, despite being overly emotional at first. I spun endlessly the moment she came up to me and wanted to give a hug despite being disappointed and angry with me.
Telling about my "little" problem to both Montorses wasn't an option, as Riven never knew I had such dark hobbies, and Alexander always scolded me for being uncontrollable with them.
I opened my phone and found the last chat with Rita, which was almost 3 weeks ago. She is my only chance to go and get help, putting a thick dot on my relationship with alcohol and drugs.
-Hey
The message was sent, and I threw the phone onto my bed, scared to see what she would reply or even if she would. I heard the phone buzz a few seconds later, the hope is not dead!
-Hi
Time is now. I will accept my problem and tell her the way it is... she must've known someone who had the same issue, and she will understand my situation, too.
-Rita, I am sorry for being a dick to you
-You were... quite a massive one:}
- I have something I can't tell anyone that only you can advise me...
-What's the matter?
-Can you come over to me?
-Now?
-When you can, no rush at all.
-I'll be there shortly!
-OMG! Thank you, Rita!
-xo, I would never abandon you!
I don't deserve her. Rita is a black horse to me, as I never understood how she thinks and why she thinks this way. But I never saw any egotistical, evil, or jealous behavior from her towards me. I disrespected her so inadequately last time, and she is still rushing to me without knowing what I will tell her...she just volunteers to be with me, no matter what. These thoughts made me slightly emotional, and I was about to open the fridge to pour myself something strong to ease the feelings and the upcoming sickness wave. But I stopped myself, acknowledging once again how deep into addiction I am.
Rita arrived soon after our "reunion" text messages, and the first thing I did was give her a big, tight hug.
"Charlotte, you will break my ribs if you squeeze them a little more than you do now!" she said while barely breathing as I hugged her like it was our last hug.
"Sorry! I am just pleased you don't consider me a stranger after that fight..."
"What's the deal?!" she asked me impatiently, interrupting my speech about how sorry I am about what happened.
"Okay...so last time when we argued here, you saw the condition I was in..." I started from a distance, as I knew Rita would accept straight up any information, but not myself...I needed a warm-up. "... Everything you said about my drinking habits is correct. As a matter of fact, I started to see how my health is declining, and I want to ask you for help." After pronouncing my issue to her, I looked at Rita with puppy eyes, as I couldn't do well like her.
"So what exactly do you need from me? Move in to control your drinking habits?" Rita decided to make a joke about it, not knowing that even with her constant presence here, I managed to sneak in lots of alcohol.
"No. I want you to help me find a good therapist and maybe visit my first appointment as a mental support. Maybe one or two times, I am not sure..."
She gave me a look of someone who is solving the greatest world mystery, examining me up and down before saying something that shocked me. "What health decline exactly? Dear, you might need a rehab if this is what I am thinking about!"
"I have been nauseated for the past few weeks, and until I take at least one sip of any drink, I can't put a single bite in my mouth. By drink, I mean booze." Saying these words felt beyond shameful, as I felt myself like my mother, just a more intellectual one, as my drinking stage was not as deep as hers.
She raised her brows and started walking like a detective, passing by every corner of my apartment and saying nothing.
"Is it that bad to have these symptoms?" I asked nervously.
"What else do you have?" She added, still thinking.
"Well...I have quite vivid dreams, usually nightmares, and sometimes feel my hands shaking if I don't eat for too long. But as soon as sickness stops, I devour most of the food in my fridge."
"You don't need a rehab or therapist..." Rita pronounced as she stopped in the middle of the room, looking nervously at me. Her conclusion was made. "You need a pregnancy test."
"What?!" I said as my phone dropped on the floor because my arms suddenly became weak and uncontrollable.
"Yeah, we need to go to the nearest pharmacy and get you a few tests. Better digital ones to be sure." Rita replied as she started walking towards the entrance, hinting that we need to go buy them now.
"Rita, I can't be pregnant!" I said it in complete denial, but something inside me felt different. For the past few months, I didn't track my period, and remembering when the last time I bled was a challenging task. Pregnancy scare was not on my early young adult years list.
I rushed to the pharmacy with Rita, and knowing that I was about to buy not the groceries, not the alcohol, not the clothes, but a pregnancy test, absolutely terrified me.
My knees started to feel weak as soon as we stood in front of the sexual health aisle. I would be looking at the condoms or lubricants section at its maximum, but ovulation tracking strips and pregnancy tests shelf was calling my name today.
"Have you ever done this?" I asked Rita while looking at various options to buy.
"I lost count of how many!" she said as she rolled her eyes, as she was annoyed by this fact herself.
"Did you ever get positive?"
"No! But it didn't stop my paranoia! Sometimes the cycle gets all messed up when you introduce a new man to your...you know. So I would test just in case, but it is always a scary experience!"
"Then how do you know my symptoms are pregnancy-related?" I asked while holding a digital test that says "detecting pregnancy from day 7 of conception!"
"Vivid dreams. It is very hormonal to have that, especially in pregnancy. I heard it from a few girls who were my "colleagues", but don't worry, we are going to just remove this possibility before you can go to therapy. Imagine you go there and they run tests....and boom!" Rita picked a few other test brands for me, and we went to check out.
The walk home couldn't be any longer, as every step gave me more and more anxiety. Rita was giving her never-ending monologue, joking and asking me questions without expecting answers, as I was deep in overthinking. What if it's positive? When could it happen? Who is the father?
As we returned to my place, Rita opened all the tests from their packaging and passed me 2 regular tests and 2 digitals.
"Pee on all of them, but no longer than 3 seconds! Save pee for all!" she smiled and stood near the bathroom door.
I sat on the toilet and placed all the tests in my hand like claws, making it easy to put the test material on each one equally. I did it, almost dropping tests inside the toilet as my hand started to shake.
"Are you done yet?!" impatiently asked Rita.
"Yes! Should I put them aside, and we set the timer?" I replied as I anxiously flipped the tests and put them on the sink counter.
"Of course! Can I come in? I want to see the results with you!" Rita walked in with a phone timer on before even finishing the sentence.
So we started our 4-minute wait. Four represented amount of tests I peed on and the perfect timing for digitals to show result. I was looking at Rita, and Rita was looking at me, both of us knowing the result but hoping for a different outcome.
Timer ran out. It was the moment of truth, as Rita started spinning around me like a fly and begging to flip the tests.
"Are you happy that I am doing this?! I am sensing weird excitement..." I said as I wanted to skip this moment if my life had a remote control.
"Whatever happens, I am with you. This time I won't let you kick me out!" Rita stood behind me and started to cheer me up.
I flip the first test, then the second, third, and fourth. My head is looking straight in the mirror, and I am scared to look down. All I can see is a frightened girl who keeps paying for her actions with everything but money. If the test is negative, I start therapy; if not...I decided to let myself see the result first, instead of thinking ahead.
Rita and I both looked at the tests at the same time. All positive. Each test showed two bright lines, whereas the digitals had plus signs. The pregnancy roulette got me, and I won the jackpot at the worst time of my life.
"No fucking way!"I screamed as Rita stood, absolutely stunned. "There is a chance they are false positives, right?!" I asked Rita while obsessively grabbing each test and looking at the results over and over again.
"Charlotte, if one test showed two lines, I could bet on it being a false-positive, but they are ALL positive. It is almost impossible for tests like this to show false positives...those things clearly detected Riven's baby in your pee!" She said while slowly coming back to life, and joined me to observe the bright lines on each test.
"I am not sure whose baby that is! And stop calling it baby! Oh my God, it just can't be!" I ran to the bigger mirror in my closet and grabbed my lower stomach, trying to notice any difference in size or shape.
Rita followed me to the closet. "You are pregnant, and you don't know who the daddy is...That's a real hoe chronicles!" Her giggles became obvious, and they really annoyed me.
As I was looking at myself in the mirror, my mind started picking up the pieces of a not-so-confused puzzle. "Riven and I had sex last time roughly two weeks ago; that was the first and only time we didn't use protection, but I never used condoms with Alexander. And I was fine with Alexander, no pregnancy for months...."
"It could be Riven's then. Young man's sperm is like that...shoots straight into the target. But you have been sleeping with Alexander under cocaine...are you sure he controlled himself?"
That is the problem, I don't remember a single fraction of sex with him, as we were either high or drunk. Usually both. Emotions, sensations, and more, one-sided attached feelings are what I remember. Rita's words opened my eyes to sex marathons with Alexander. I couldn't control myself, nor did I want to, so something started telling me that he didn't control anything either. There were many days, tens of unplanned tries to conceive...
"I don't think I remember those...actually, the last two or three weeks I was with Alexander only. So if it was someone, that was him for sure." I said while nervously looking for my phone.
"Then, we are back to our riddle of how the father is. Why are you looking for your phone?! You won't be texting them both, aren't you?"
"I need to check my calendar! I am trying to make it make sense!"
"You are still very early in pregnancy, I think. The first step for you is to decide whether you will keep it, and only then can you tell Riven or Alexander."
I looked at the calendar and, based on my very rough calculations, I could be anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks. If it is Riven's, then I might be further, but if it was conceived somewhere between my faded weeks with Alexander - I am very early in it.
"You are asking me to decide whether to keep it or not?! I am living off my boyfriend's father's money! Do you think my decision matters here if the child is all about finances? If he won't support it, how would my choice have power here?!"
"It is your body, and you have all the rights to decide, and push your decisions into the baby daddy's brain until he agrees to. Don't care about Alexander's money, you can finally break this curse of being dependent on Alexander and tell Riven he is the father! I am sure Alexander will accept it without question."
Rita's words would sound like honey to me if I were still as crazy in love with Alexander's son as before. What if this pregnancy is a way out of the mess I've put myself into? I truly can break off my addictions, stop the toxic, attached relationship with Alexander, and accept the future with Riven...Only if it is his child. What if it's from Alexander? He won't allow me to keep it, or he will send me far from New York to raise the child privately, out of his family's eyes. Then, what will he tell me to do with Riven?
"Rita, what if this child is Alexander's?" I said while almost sobbing, as the fear of so many unknowns and endless potential futures scared me.
She started laughing as I asked her the dumbest question ever. "You literally fucked the same DNA! No matter who the father is, the baby will look identical to both of them! You are overcomplicating things..." Rita sat near me, looked straight into my eyes, and started her lecture.
"Charlotte, please listen to my words at least this time. Listen and do as I say; you are at a crossroads where you can choose the best option possible, just don't fuck it up now! All of your sorrows, stress, anxiety, and overthinking can be solved in a few actions..." She grabbed both of my upper arms and held them tight, knowing that I might not like the upcoming information.
"The best option is to forget that Alexander might be your baby dad, just throw this possibility out of your pregnant mind! Forget it! Your only baby dad is Riven, who is a clear book: never married, no kids, good fortune, and an impressive, well-paid business. He is your future. At the end of the day, he will be happy about your pregnancy, unlike married perverted Alexander, who will send you to an abortion clinic to keep his reputation high!"
"But Alexander knows we never used protection...you think he would still do it if he knew there is a chance he would impregnate me?"
"Charlotte, he didn't make you pregnant since April, and he knows it, you know it. He also knows you are seriously dating his son, and he is aware you guys are doing something under the sheets. It is not secret information! You must stand for this truth, announce your pregnancy to Montorse's family, but eventually, not now! When Alexander hears the news, he will back off forever! Your pregnancy is your shield from him; you are officially his son's property!"
"Don't say like this...it sounds odd. And you know I am not as much in love with Riven, unlike my feelings for his dad...." As I finished the sentence, partially sobbing, my body couldn't hold the tears any longer, and I broke down. Whether it was pregnancy hormones or just my body struggling to deal with the unfairness of disconnection between heart and brain, I felt like shit.
Rita rolled her eyes and walked to the kitchen, leaving me alone in the bedroom. She made tea for both of us, which was uncommon in our friendship: we usually handed wine rather than herbal tea.
"If I were you, Charlotte, I would choose to tell Riven, which means I would honour him as the father of this child. Believe my words when I tell you this: I would always choose mind over heart. Always. Alexander is your heart now, which is beyond fucked up to think of it. You are attached to him because he is your drug dealer. You both are tied with addiction, not love. He never loved you and never will, but Riven will die for you. He is your mind; he is and will be responsible only for the best of you. He will take care of both of you, yourself, and your child."
"I can't just throw away my feelings for him! Even if I do what you say, even if I choose and stick to Riven and we become a family, how do you imagine I will sleep peacefully knowing this child could be Alexander's!"
"That's why I said you should let this go through. Erase it from your mind! Life is allowing you to free yourself from evil, you are being stubborn to accept good, while you easily dive into shitoles! What is wrong with you?"
"Rita...I..."
"Why don't you allow yourself to let good things happen to you? Why do you refuse to let others take care of you and genuinely be good?!"
"Because you see me better than I am! You see me as smarter, stronger, and more responsible...I don't know! I am not like this! I don't know why you all see me as a hypertrophic, much better version than I really am!"
"No, Charlotte, you know damn well who you are, and you want all of it. You are just too lost in your games...It is time to let it be over. Quit the game and delete this file."
As always, at least 99.9% of the time, Rita was right. I needed to hear this from her, as what happened to me is a sign, and if I don't use it properly, there is no way to change it.
"I will text Riven and ask him to meet. Does that sound good to you?" I said as I stopped sobbing.
"It is good for you, not me. Maybe it will take months or even years to understand, but one day you will get it. You will see that it was the only correct choice, and you made it right."
Rita spent a few hours with me, making sure I am feeling alright after the life-changing news, once again.
"So....will you keep the pregnancy?" she asked impatiently, knowing that this information won't let Rita function properly until she finds out the answer.
"Yes. I never thought of terminating it. When I was younger, I always told myself I would keep the pregnancy, no matter what, at least for the sake of being a better mother than my mom..."
I wanted to take my positive test as a sign from life that I am ready to show myself as a better person, as a person whom everyone else sees me as. And Riven is about to hear the news that will change his life forever...