1: Once again, Iroha Isshiki knocks on the
door.
…What an idiot.
No one but me could hear my silent grumble as I took a seat in the
classroom, right before the start of class.
The writing on a letter tucked sneakily into my bag was familiar. It
seemed my little sister, Komachi, had written this for me.
On this adorable letter paper decorated with glitter, sparkling like
snow, in Christmas-associated colors was a wish list that was as
uncute as you could get.
Well, the last part was probably her real point: to buy detergent on
my way home. This is one of those "Komachi jokes"…right? If not, it
wouldn't be a list of things so easily converted into cash, right? Yikes,
my sister is so scary!
Anyway, ignoring the first three things on that list, I'd make sure to
buy some detergent on the way home.
But while I could ignore the earlier items, what was written after that
stuck in my heart.
—My happiness.
Just what the hell is that?
What is happiness, after all…? A home with good soy sauce? Wait—
then I've already got that! I'm glad I was born in Chiba! Chiba's soy
sauce is number oooone in Japaaaan! (In production volume, at
least.)
Oh man, that was close. If I hadn't been born in Chiba, that question
might have led me down a less pleasant train of thought. Thank you,
Kikkoman. Which reminds me, I wonder what the kikko in Kikkoman
is. "Eternally seventeen years old"? Come on.
If I didn't crack jokes like that (with a bit of regional pride thrown in),
I'd be too embarrassed to look straight at Komachi's note. She must
have felt the same way, which was why she'd gone to the trouble of
tacking it on as an apparent afterthought. We're very similar siblings.
But since she'd given this letter to me, it seemed she had worries of
her own.
Komachi had also been involved with the string of events connected
to the student council election not long ago. Or rather, I'd asked her
to help out.
I still don't know whether that was a good idea.
Perhaps out of consideration for my feelings, Komachi never asked
me in detail about how things had turned out in the end, and, well,
even if she did try to give me the third degree, I couldn't explain it well anyway. I'd just end up grumpy. And I really, really didn't want
that to lead to another fight.
Komachi understood that, and I think that's exactly why she was
using such an indirect method of showing her concern. She really is a
mature little sister.
Since my little sister wished for it, I would have liked to give her the
moon and the stars and all the other Sailor Scouts, but unfortunately,
I didn't have the money. In fact, I didn't even have a way to grant
Komachi's joking request.
Hachiman Hikigaya's happiness, Hachiman Hikigaya's wish, Hachiman
Hikigaya's desire—I've never sat down and thought about it before.
What is happiness to me? What do I want? I have no clue.
If it's possible for me to wish for something, as Komachi has wished
for me… If someone would actually hear a wish like that… If a wish
like that would be allowed…
Then I…
…I'd wish for Komachi's happiness! I'd wish for the fortune of my
pretty, cure-cure lovely honey princess and do a happiness charge!
But because she was my adorable little sister, I had to avoid causing
trouble for her, especially now. She was studying for her entrance
exams.
I didn't want to make her worry unnecessarily or rob her of her time
at this important juncture.
Leaving all that stuff about my happiness aside for the time being, I
folded up the letter and tucked it into my uniform pocket. The note
almost felt warm. Oh man, I like Komachi too much, don't I? It's okay;
I'm in the clear because she's my sister. No, wait, that actually makes
it less acceptable…
Because grinning at a letter from my little sister would be a pretty
weird thing to do, I stretched my back and adjusted my collar. You
know, I really have to protect my aloof image. But just so you know,
even if you intend to be aloof, often others will just see you as a
miserable person, so you need to be careful (speaking from
experience).
While I was killing time rereading Komachi's note, morning
homeroom was closely approaching. My classmates were rushing
into the room.
As this was going on, I happened to see a girl walking toward me in a
particularly languid manner, as if she didn't give a damn about the
bell. Her bluish-black hair swayed with each stride.
Kawa-something… No, was it Yama-something? Or was it Toyo-
something? Well, Something-kawatoyo is fine. Kawa-something
headed for her own seat as if she were completely uninterested in
the rest of the classroom. On her way, her cool, composed gaze
collided with mine.
We made wordless eye contact for a while, and then, for some
reason, we both froze up.
It wasn't as if we didn't know each other, so I figured I'd say hi, at
least—even if I didn't know her name. She also had helped out in
that recent student council election. And I hadn't said thanks for
that. I knew I should say something, but I couldn't figure out the right
way to do it.
"Uh…so, like…" In the attempt to start a conversation, I breathed out
some air and some equally meaningless words.
She must have thought she had to say something, too, and her lips
moved uncomfortably until finally settling on a quiet "…Morning."
She was scowling.
"Y-yeah," I replied to her greeting.
That weak start meant I could hardly get any words out, and no
further conversation developed. She strode off quickly to her own
seat at the back by the window.
Well, that moment of silence had made things awkward. Times like
that, it's best to flee. And since I'd been sitting in my own seat, she
should be the one to act.
Either from a lack of sleep or a lack of energy, as soon as Kawa-
something took her seat, she flopped down face-first on her desk,
and as I watched her, I calmly thought back on the exchange we'd
just had.
…Whoa there, for real? Kawa-something came to say hi to me,
when both of us hardly remember each other's names. That's some
serious progress, huh?
Still, even elementary school kids can manage a greeting. In fact,
they're even taught to go out of their way to greet suspicious
individuals. Looking at it that way, I suddenly have a theory that she
came to greet me as a preemptive attack against a creep! It's sorta
like that thing where someone goes, What the hell are you lookin'
at? Which middle school are ya from, huh, punk?
Well, it's a given that someone would want to fire a jab at any creep
who would be smiling at a letter from his little sister. But hold on
there—if my memory serves me right, I get the feeling she has also
smiled over a text from her little brother, Taishi Kawasaki. Oh, right!
That's her name. Kawasaki.
…Oh man, what the heck; she's a creep! From now on, I'll go say
hello to her, too, to keep her at bay.
Greetings are really important.
Building a surveillance society through greetings! (This week's
slogan.)
This world where greetings are not to be feared at all, much less a
hello from a girl who might trick you into believing she actually likes
you—it's poison.
Since I was already watching Kawasaki, I scanned the rest of the
classroom, too, chin resting on my hands.
There was no clear change in my classmates, but the scenery around
us had transformed slightly. Winter coats and scarves were stuffed
into the lockers at the back, and someone had even placed an
electric kettle there. Most of the girls had blankets draped over their
knees, covering their legs.
But there was one girl in the class who was much more liberal about
exposing them: Yumiko Miura.
Twisting a loose curl of her golden hair around her finger, she
leisurely folded her long, slender legs the other way. It made the
hem of her short skirt flutter.
With real effort, I restrained the thoughtless downward tug of my
eyes, controlling myself so her skin only barely entered my field of
vision. Wait, that's not self-control; I did see them. Oh, but hold on a
minute! She let her guard down, sitting that way, so the view is just…,
I thought but then noticed something kind of like smoke wafting
around Miura. What is this, censor steam? Are they going to make
sure to remove it on the Blu-ray?
I never usually open my eyes all the way to begin with, but I was
thinking maybe if I narrowed them even more, I could get a glimpse
of something (something pink), when I discovered the tiny device
that was spitting out that smoke. Oh, is that the humidifier
Yuigahama mentioned? It was indeed puffing. It was kind of like the
fog you get when an enemy character shows up.
Miura reigned like a queen that day as usual, her handmaidens
Yuigahama and Ebina ever at her side.
"Yumiko, aren't you cold?" Ebina asked with concern.
Miura brushed aside the golden hair she'd been twirling and smiled,
full of confidence. "Not really? This is normal." But despite her
bravado, Miura sneezed a little choo! At her embarrassed expression,
Yuigahama and Ebina gave warm little smiles.
Uh-huh, I'm kinda getting warm feelings, too.
Contrasted with Miura and her bare-legged appeal, Ebina and
Yuigahama wore their gym pants underneath their skirts. Hey, that's
no fun for the viewers! Cut it out, come on.
…Wait, but hold on a minute. When you consider how only high
school girls wear things like that, I kinda start to think it's fine, for
what it is. The mysterious ensemble that arises from the mismatched
combination of a short skirt with incredibly lame gym pants—isn't it
that very secrecy that lets the wings of imagination soar on the
brilliance of what lies deep within? You're all my wings! You can't
underestimate the power of a boy's imagination!
But the nearby boys must not have been interested in things of that
nature; they didn't even look at the girls' gym pants. Sheesh, my
generation is so lacking in imagination; it's terrible. Well, I'm not
saying to force yourself to stare, so it is what it is.
But when I observed them closely, I thought a lack of imagination
wasn't the reason they didn't take notice.
I don't know if I could call this proof of that, but Tobe was brushing
up and tugging on the overlong hair at the back of his neck as he
anxiously rocked back and forth. With each movement, his gaze
flicked around the group. He struck me as rather uncomfortable.
He looked at Hayama, he looked at the girls, and then he looked back
toward Ooka and Yamato.
"Man, it's cold as hell lately," Tobe said.
"For sure," Yamato responded with a nod, while Ooka sighed
dramatically.
"Going to practice on a day like this is, like, not a thing, man."
"Yeah, that's a thing, huh, man?"
Is it a thing, or isn't it…? If it means exactly the same thing to exist
or not, I'm gonna have to think the world really is guided by the Law
of Cycles.
With a frivolous smile and going, "Like, right?" as if seeking
agreement, he turned to Hayama and the girls.
Aside from a little smile, Hayama offered no particular reply.
Miura must have witnessed that exchange, but she merely glanced
over at Hayama and said nothing.
From a distance, Hayama's clique might not have seemed all that
different from normal. In fact, if I had overlooked this exchange, I'd
have thought the same.
But there was a definite divide there.
They were all together, but they were not actually interacting.
I finally realized it wasn't that Tobe and the guys were completely
ignoring the girls. It was because they were paying attention that
they were trying not to look.
On the very surface, their relationship was the same as always, but it
was nevertheless clearly different.
This was probably because there was a strange sense of distance
between the two who should have been in the middle, the master
pieces, Hayama and Miura. If there was a divide between the main
boy and the main girl, then obviously, a gap would emerge between
both parties.
Nobody said that out loud.
But the act of not putting it into words spoke volumes of the
distance between them and pushed them further apart in the
process.
Did something happen between them? It's not like Miura's ignoring
Tobe because she hates him, right? Aw, what the heck, poor guy! Just
like me!
I don't think Tobe was the cause. Miura had the double date from
the other day on her mind. Most people would figure that since this
was Hayama, it'd be nothing for him to hang out with girls from
other schools, but it seemed she perceived the situation a little
differently.
With Hayama, you don't expect to hear gossip about him fooling
around with other girls, for sure. In fact, I think he keeps girls he
doesn't know well at arm's length.
Perhaps that was exactly why Miura was upset about having seen
him with other girls with her own eyes.
Miura and I probably see different people in Hayama. So that means
the Hayama she knows is not someone who does things like that.
…Oh, I kinda feel bad. After all, it was my fault Hayama was with
those other girls, and it was his involvement with me that was giving
Miura this weird anxiety. But she had involved herself and meddled,
so I didn't feel like all of this was on me. Then again, it's not as if
Miura had done something bad, either… I'd also seen her (pink)
panties recently, which accelerated my apologetic feelings toward
her.
When Miura isn't cheery, the mood with their whole clique really
sours. But Miura wasn't the only one who was off.
Yuigahama was also acting a bit different from usual. She listened
with a silent smile to Tobe chatting with the other guys, and she also
played a passive role in Miura and Ebina's discussion while skillfully
prompting them to continue.
She was different from how she was in the clubroom.
She wasn't the one who felt the need to talk, and she wasn't trying
to jumpstart a conversation, either. Most noticeably, she wasn't
spending lots of time trying to draw out reactions and emotions from
others.
Perhaps right now, Yuigahama felt more peace of mind being with
this group. I'm sure the clubroom was no longer a relaxing place for
her to be.
That fact was a heavy weight on my chest.
Their group's conversation was starting to flounder, but Tobe chafed
at the silence, exhaling a voiceless breath that continued into words.
"…So, like. It's so cold lately. Literally freezing!"
Tobe! That's the same thing! You brought up the exact same thing
as before! Even if weather is the number one thing to bring up when
you don't know what to talk about, you really are overusing it… It's
like, Gondo, Gondo, rain Gondo!
Ooka and Yamato reacted similarly to last time.
"Well, it is winter now."
"Right?"
The guys' conversation was so similar, it went beyond preestablished
harmony and made me wonder if the world was in a time loop. But
this time, Tobe was going to switch things up. Well, not like I really
know how he is normally. Sorry, I don't really give a damn about
Tobe, okay?
"Hey, what're you doing for Christmas and stuff?"
Why is he talking to Hayama but pointing his ears at Ebina?
Ebina picked up on this, I think, and took the initiative. "I'll be busy
getting ready for the year end."
Oh, of course. There is that winter festival held around Ariake.
That made sense to me, so I was nodding to myself when Miura
twitched, showing a spark of interest in something. Her hand finally
stopped playing with her hair. "Christmas, huh…? Ebina's got that
thing, but…what about all you guys?" As she spoke, her gaze flicked
over to Hayama, then immediately disengaged again. She was
restless, squeezing and then smoothing the hem of her skirt
underneath her desk. There may have been a faint blush (pink) on
her cheeks, too.
Ohhh, nice! You can do it, Miura! …Why am I finding myself
cheering for Miss Queen? Oh, I'm not cheering for Tobe, though.
But my support was in vain. Hayama tilted his head slightly. "I'm
kinda busy, too…"
"Huh?" Miura must not have expected that answer. "H-Hayato… Y-
you have some kind of plans?" she asked, stuttering a little.
"Hmm? …Yeah, family business," Hayama replied, and his smile then
was his usual warm one, not the listless one he'd been wearing
earlier in the conversation.
"H-huh…" Miura looked away from him and pretended not to care,
but her hand started fiddling with her hair again. Her fidgeting meant
she obviously wanted to ask something, but she never managed it.
Once the two of them were done talking, the boys and the girls were
divided again. Their topics of conversation naturally diverged as the
boys chattered animatedly about what their club was doing over the
winter vacation, while the girls' topic shifted to Christmas shopping.
It seemed Tobe was unwilling to let the discussion go that way, as he
aggressively brushed up his hair, then stuck up a finger and swept his
gaze over all of them. "S-so then, like—! The first shrine visit of the
year or something?"
Tobe seemed to be doing his best to return to the last topic of
discussion. Hayama had once said Tobe was good at setting an
upbeat mood, and he wasn't kidding… Though Tobe seems empty-
headed, he's surprisingly attentive to others. Or maybe he
instinctively sensed it would be bad for the chasm there to widen
any further. Maybe he's so sensitive because he subsists purely on
vibe and mood.
"Hmm, I think I'll be spending New Year's with my family, though…"
Ebina smoothly avoided Tobe's efforts yet again.
His shoulders slumped.
But then she put her finger to her cheek and considered with a hmm.
"But even if it's not on the day of…it'd be nice for all of us to hang
out," she continued, emphasizing the all of us part.
Miura's face jerked up. "Oh, that doesn't sound half-bad."
"Uh-huh, yeah!" Yuigahama agreed, and Yamato and Ooka nodded in
response.
Tobe looked around at all their faces, ("Right, right?") and Hayama
broke into a broad smile at his efforts.
"…Yeah."
"S-see?!" exclaimed Tobe. "Okay-okay-okay, so like, when? Oh,
Hayato, when are you free? I'm always free, BT-dubs."
"We have soccer practice…" Hayama sighed with exasperation.
Miura nonchalantly interjected. "So when should we hang out, then?
…It doesn't matter to me." She talked like she was disinterested, but
there was something restless about the way she held her hand up
under the fluorescent lights, examining her artificial nails. Confirming
their perfection, she chuckled to herself.
Ebina's eyes were kind as she watched Miura.
Finally, their conversation was as warm as it was before. It brought a
relieved breath out of Yuigahama. "Oh, sorry, I'll be right back." She
gave notice to her friends before she left them.
Oh, so is she going to pick flowers? I wonder what this euphemism
would be for boys? Maybe it'd be cool to say he's going to go shoot
deer for a bit.
Or so I was thinking, but it seemed it was nothing of that sort.
Yuigahama went to her locker at the back and rummaged around for
something. Then, rather than going back to her friends, for some
reason, she came over to me.
"Hikki." Hearing my name, I turned to look up at Yuigahama. She
fidgeted a little, twisting around awkwardly. She seemed to be
having a hard time telling me whatever she was trying to say as she
opened her mouth. "You've been staring too much…"
"Huh? Uh, I haven't really been looking, though…," I replied
falteringly. It was true I'd been staring right at them, but it was
awkward to hear it directly from her.
Sensing an incoming excuse, Yuigahama waved her hands
aggressively and cut me off in exasperation. "No, no, you were
definitely watching. When I glanced over, you were staring so hard, I
was honestly like, whoa."
What does she mean, like, whoa? That sounds mean. "Hey. Then you
stop staring, too."
"What?! No, but it was, like, y-you know? I could just feel it! Like a
pressure, or chills…"
Those two things are pretty different, though; are you okay with
that…?
After she frantically offered an excuse of her own, anxiously flailing
her hands around, she added, "Wait, why've you been watching us,
Hikki? Did you need something?"
Though her question seemed innocuous, it bothered me more than I
expected. Why had I been watching them? "…Uh, not really... Well,
you guys tend to be the center of attention, so it just happens."
"Hmph…"
I wasn't sure from Yuigahama's response if that convinced her or
not. But I wasn't really lying. Hayama's clique did draw attention.
And conspicuous things will naturally be seen. So it wasn't strange
for them to catch my eye.
But I was sure that wasn't the only reason I'd been looking.
How do you smooth over something that's come peeling off? I had
the feeling Hayama's clique would teach me.
Perhaps the deepest level of human observation is not passively
watching others but actively observing them, rendering yourself in
their position and reflecting on yourself.
I think I'd been watching them because I knew they had relationships
I thought of as phony pageantry, and I'd been projecting my current
situation onto it.
Maybe Tobe had been acting unconsciously on his sense of the
disturbance among his clique, but I think Ebina was consciously
trying to close the rift between them.
It seemed to me that Miura, Hayama, Tobe, and Ebina were all, bit by
bit, comparing and adjusting the small ways they'd become
estranged and their minor feelings of unease, searching for the
points they might compromise on so they would all be satisfied,
making their own sorts of modifications in the way things ought to
be.
That's one way to do it.
Even they can be doubtful about the way they communicate,
fumbling around in the dark.
Between them and us, who are the real phonies?
"Hikki?" As I started getting lost in my thoughts, Yuigahama's voice
pulled me back. When I raised my head, I saw her examining me with
some worry. I hadn't even noticed her face draw close, and her dewy
eyes and warm breath felt terribly sharp and real.
I jerked away, falling into the back of my chair. I had to avoid
showing anything that would make her feel uneasy. The Service
Club's current state was clearly upsetting her, and I was the cause. I
owed it to her to conduct myself properly at the very least.
I abandoned those thoughts for the moment; that was an issue to
consider when I was alone. Fortunately, I'm drowning in time for
that. Times like these, it really is convenient that I'm a loner.
I decided to quickly change the topic. "Anyway, if you don't want
people looking, then talk a little quieter. I mean, I think about forty
percent of the looks you guys get are people glaring at you for being
loud."
"Urk, maybe… But with Tobecchi around, that's not gonna happen."
That's a mean thing to say. It's true Tobe is loud and obnoxious, but
he has positive traits, too—like how the roots of his hair seem healthy.
No, but even when someone isn't loud, your eyes will just travel over
there sometimes. For example, at that moment, even as I was talking
to Yuigahama, my eyes were moving on their own.
It's just— Look, when there's something moving in your field of
vision, it just gets your attention, you know? And that goes all the
more when it's someone cute.
Maybe that was why the moment the door at the front of the
classroom opened, my eyes were pulled over there.
Saika Totsuka walked in, wearing his gym uniform with the long
sleeves and long pants. He sighed in relief when he stepped through
the door; I bet the hallway was quite chilly. I automatically inhaled
with a moan, too. Ohh, the air Totsuka breathed out is coming into
me… Yeah, that's really creepy, if I do say so myself.
Noticing me and Yuigahama, Totsuka trotted up to us. "Morning." His
charming greeting came with a smile like a flower unfurling its petals.
Greetings really are important… I think it's very sad to greet people
for reasons like preventing crime and stuff, uh-huh.
"Morning, Sai-chan."
"Yeah, morning."
When Yuigahama and I returned the greeting, Totsuka blinky-
blinked his cute little eyes. He's so cute… Oh, wait, no. Why is he a little
cutely surprised? I should have been the one surprised, there—by his
cuteness.
"Totsuka, is something up?" I asked, as if to say, Did I say something
funny?
Noticing that, Totsuka waved a little hand in front of his chest in an
attempt to smooth it over. "I just kind of thought it was unusual to
see the two of you, like, together in the classroom."
"O-oh?" Yuigahama replied, sounding a little startled.
Anxious about her reaction, Totsuka added in a bit of a rush, "Oh, I
simply never had that impression of you before."
Now that he said it, I realized it was true. Yuigahama didn't talk to
me in the classroom very often.
And that made me realize that when she'd gone to her locker, she
hadn't taken anything out of it, had she? If she'd suddenly come over
to talk to me, people would have thought something was up, so
she'd probably taken her little detour to avoid that. Yuigahama's
always been thoughtful like that, I guess…
But despite the care she'd taken, if someone with an eye for it were
to see, they'd notice it was unnatural.
"…Did something happen?" Totsuka asked, shifting his gaze from me
to Yuigahama with concern.
"Oh, nothing at all! …W-well, we were just talking a bit about the
club, I guess," Yuigahama equivocated, sounding flustered.
"Oh, the club, huh?" Totsuka clapped his hands as if that made sense
to him. Yes, such guileless trust is indeed a virtue. When you're as
pure and innocent as Totsuka, anyone trying to deceive you might
well die from the pangs of conscience.
"Well, it's good if the club is up and running again like before,"
Totsuka said with a smile, and I think he honestly didn't mean
anything by it. He'd been involved in whole hullabaloo with the
student council election as well. Any outsider looking at me and
Yuigahama talking about the club would figure it was proof
everything had gone well.
But Yuigahama's expression was stiff. "Y-yeah…" She was stuck for a
moment before immediately smiling to cover it up. "Oh, I know! If
you need anything, Sai-chan, you should come visit!"
I nodded in response. "…Yeah."
I wasn't sure if I could say it was like before or not. There was some
proper conversation going on between us and Yukinoshita, and there
was no hostility among us. We weren't ignoring one another, and we
weren't having clashes of opinions, either.
Nothing had happened.
So there was nothing. That was all.
When our exchange resulted in a strange silence, Totsuka tilted his
head and gave us a questioning look. I could tell he wanted to ask if
something had happened. But I doubted I could explain it well, so I
decided to quickly change the direction of the conversation.
"Anyway, well, you know, you could actually come by even if you
don't need anything! You're always welcome!"
"Someone's more enthusiastic than usual!" Yuigahama's eyes
widened in shock.
Oh, do I seem so unenthusiastic, normally…?
"Ah-ha-ha. Yeah, I will, if I ever need anything." Totsuka smiled
cheerfully and then glanced over at the clock. It was nearly time for
the homeroom teacher to walk in. "Looks like homeroom is about to
start," he said.
"Yeah, looks like. So…" Yuigahama left my desk with Totsuka. Just
before she went to her seat, she spun around and leaned close to my
ear. "…Oh yeah, Hikki."
A floral scent wafted around her, and her breath was soft on my ear.
Her unexpected approach made me remember the warmth in the
cold clubroom that time after school at dusk, when I'd felt as if
something was ending.
My heart suddenly jumped.
Her tone cautious, she whispered, "…Let's go to club together."
Without waiting for my reply, Yuigahama rushed off to her own seat.
As I watched her go, I didn't even realize I was pressing my chest.
My heart was no longer jumping. In fact, it felt like it had jumped
inward instead and was trying to strangle me.
Yuigahama must have chosen to say that because she was finding it
difficult to go to the clubroom.
I felt the same way. I couldn't bring myself to want to go there.
Going there every day without fail nevertheless was masochistic,
somehow. I'm sure none of us wanted to go.
But we went anyway because we didn't want to acknowledge this
feeling. We couldn't acknowledge the scale of what had been lost.
Or were we just going through the motions purely out of a sense of
duty, out of sheer obligation, believing this should be maintained,
that it should be preserved like some kind of endangered species—or
perhaps we just wanted to preserve ourselves.
Lately, our time had been spent trying not to run away—nothing
more.
As if we were mourning a dead person.
We didn't want to make what had been lost into an excuse. We
didn't want to avoid giving in to the unfairness of it, to avoid
acknowledging it. This was why we pushed ourselves above and
beyond, acting as if it were no different from usual.
I knew it was fake.
But I was the one who had made that choice.
I wasn't allowed to make a new choice. Time is always irreversible,
and often enough, it's impossible to undo what's been done.
Mourning that would be a betrayal of myself in the past.
Regret is the proof that what you had was worth something. That's
why I don't mourn. I'd attained something that was fundamentally
impossible to obtain. That fact alone should satisfy me.
Once you get used to luck and fortune, they're just mundane. I think
unhappiness is what you feel when that ends.
So if I took it for granted that I would get nothing in the future, too,
that alone would benefit my life.
I don't want to deny who I once was, at least.
I think that's how my days will be spent, from now on.
As usual, I couldn't concentrate in class, and then it was over. As
afterschool activities began, I got ready to leave the classroom right
away. As I was opening the door to the hallway, I glanced over at
Yuigahama. She was still chatting with Miura and Ebina.
Well, since she'd asked me to go with her, I figured I should wait. But
still, there was no need to bother waiting in a way others would
notice.
Leaving the classroom, I walked a few steps before leaning against
the wall.
In less than a minute, Yuigahama leaped out of the classroom,
looking panicked. She anxiously looked all around and found me
immediately, then marched over in an angry huff. "Why'd you leave
without me?!"
"I didn't. I'm here, waiting."
"Yeah, but…! Huh? Then I guess it's okay." She convinced herself,
then took a breath, and as if injecting a burst of cheer into herself,
she heaved her backpack higher on her shoulder. "…Then let's go."
"Uh-huh."
In the hallway, our eyes met, and then we started walking for the
special-use building.
It struck me that this exchange of looks was exactly like those of
accomplices in crime.
I endeavored to walk more slower than usual. At my usual pace, I'm
sure I'd leave her behind.
Unlike the classroom where we'd been before, this hallway was
chilly.
No one passed by, and the only sound was our footsteps as we
walked in silence. Yuigahama had been so talkative in the classroom,
but now she was quiet. Almost purposefully so.
But as we approached the clubroom, she must not have been able to
stand the silence anymore. She opened her mouth. "Hey…"
"Hmm?" I asked back.
But she weakly shook her head. "…Nothing."
"Oh," I replied, and silence fell once more. Once we turned the next
corner, we'd be in the clubroom. I hadn't been in the clubroom for a
whole day, but what about her? I'd thought she'd been eating lunch
with Yukinoshita in the clubroom, before. Suddenly curious, I asked,
"So anyway, what have you been doing for lunch?"
After a bit of consideration, she smiled and awkwardly said, "Huh?
Hmm, same as before."
"…Oh."
That was enough to convince me. I'm sure all their discussion was
rambling and incoherent. Yuigahama would say something to
Yukinoshita, and she'd respond, and they'd continue back and forth
in that manner the whole time.
If you think about it, that was the same as before, but in form only. It
would explain why Yuigahama had struggled to reply.
We spent the same time in the same place with the same people, but
it still just didn't feel the same.
I'd been searching for the mistake that had stayed with us all this
time, since that day. And still unable to find that answer, my hand
touched the door.
It was already unlocked.
I'd actually left the classroom the moment homeroom had ended,
but it seemed the master of this clubroom had arrived here before
us.
Opening the door, I stepped in and gazed around; the clubroom was
unpleasantly empty. Had this clubroom always been so devoid of
anything? The desks and chairs and the tea set that was no longer
being used were there, unchanged.
And Yukino Yukinoshita was there, same as always.
"Hello."
"Yahallo! Yukinon!" Yuigahama cheerfully greeted her in return, then
sat down in her usual seat. I responded with a casual bow as well and
took my own seat. The chairs that never moved were like nails
pinning us to this place.
Yukinoshita was also sitting in her chair as she resumed her reading
in her proper posture as usual. Yuigahama pulled out her cell phone,
while I took a paperback out from my bag.
These actions had been ritualized, like the steps of a ceremony.
Maybe we were thinking if we did the same things as before, we
could re-create the past. But that was impossible, no matter how we
tried to fulfill the activation conditions. We were just skimming the
surface; eventually, it would all wear down.
The sigh didn't leave me.
"That reminds me—so today, Sai-chan was like…" Yuigahama's
mouth popped open. She spoke like a young child earnestly telling
her mother about what had happened that day. But that wasn't it,
either. She was firing off words one after another in an attempt to do
something about the languishing atmosphere.
It was like a carbon copy of how she used to be, always adapting
herself to the social situation, unable to say the things she really
wanted to say.
I was aware of this, but I joined in on the discussion she'd started
anyway.
Over and over, we had these little conversations. How long would
this go on? How long would we be able to continue like this? If we no
longer could, then what would happen?
I was sure we'd wind up spending that day the same as the day
before.
And most likely the day after that, and after that.
In this closed world was not peace but obstacles and stagnation. Any
remaining paths would merely decay and rot away.
Yuigahama must have exhausted the topics she'd come up with,
because the conversation stopped. The silence spread, deafening.
That was when, as if tearing through the silence and the obstacles in
our way, there was a knock on the door.
The knock came again.
It was the first visitor in a while, making us look at one another
automatically. I don't know what the two of them thought about this
visit. Yuigahama jerked up and looked toward the door, while
Yukinoshita's expression did not change. As for me, I started biting
my lip without realizing it.
"Come in," Yukinoshita called out with a glance at the door. When
the answer finally came, the door opened.
"Hiii therrre…" A girl came in, golden hair swaying as she covered her
face with the overlong sleeves of her cardigan.It was Soubu High School's student council president, Iroha Isshiki.
Even now that she was president, she was still wearing her uniform
somewhat casually.
Yuigahama seemed surprised to see Isshiki show up, while
Yukinoshita quietly knit her eyebrows. I probably looked
exasperated. What's she here for, first thing after her election? It
doesn't look like she's come to hang out, though…
Isshiki took no notice of our misgivings, calling out in a cutely needy
voice you could describe as almost woeful as she approached me.
Then she started whining like she was on the verge of tears in a
deliberate-looking way. "Guuuys, I'm in major trouble…"
Still manipulative as ever… It kind of stirs up these protective
desires, so could you please stop…? It makes me want to help you out!
If this were anyone other than Isshiki, I'd have offered a hand
immediately.
"What's wrong, Iroha-chan? Take a seat."
"Oh, Yui. Thank you very much." When Yuigahama offered her a
chair, the urge to cry must have vanished. She seemed awfully
nonchalant about plopping down.
After she was seated, Yukinoshita spoke up. "First, let's hear what
you have to say." Her tone was no different from usual and indicated
no particular attitude toward our guest. Her response made me a
little relieved. And at the same time, my relief felt wrong.
Why did that make me feel better?
Before I could discover the true nature of that discomfort, Isshiki
opened her mouth. "So, well…actually, last week, the student council
began their first job."
"Oh, so they've already gotten started. That's fast," Yuigahama
commented conversationally.
"You're telling me," Isshiki replied, and then she continued. "And
we're in reeeal trouble with something." The moment those words
were out of her mouth, her level of excitement sank like a stone. She
was recalling what that job entailed. Was it that bad…?
Though I was privately anxious, I decided to ask about it. "How are
you in trouble?"
Isshiki's head jerked up. "It's almost Christmas, right?"
"Yeah, that's right… Huh? Uh, that's a real sudden topic change."
That startled me… The topic had suddenly Boson-jumped. Well, it
was true that Christmas was nearly here.
In response, Isshiki puffed out her cheeks and pouted in a deliberate
sort of way. "I wasn't changing the subject. Just listen to me,
pleeease!"
"Yeah, Hikki." For some reason, Yuigahama was pouting, too, and she
came in to defend Isshiki.
Wait, I'm in the wrong, here? The way girls talk is too unique. I'm not
gonna get that.
I prompted her to go on with a sour look that said, Fine, whatever,
continue, and Isshiki did just that.
"And since it's Christmas, we've been talking about joining up with a
nearby high school to do a local Christmas event, like something for
the elderly or little kids or something, but…"
"Huh, so which school are you working with?"
"It's called Kaihin High School."
Ohhh, that one, huh…? It's a fairly decent prep school, not too far
from ours. It's a comparatively new one that was established a while
back when three schools were consolidated into one. Since it's three
schools combined, it's big, with lavish facilities and a nice building.
They have fancy-schmancy conveniences like elevators, and
apparently, they take attendance with ID cards. How trendy. The
school has this modern approach, too, like they have a credit system
for classes or something instead of sticking with your same class
through high school, though I don't really know how it works. I think
it's a pretty popular school.
But I got the feeling our two schools didn't really interact much. This
joint event seemed pretty forced.
"…Who suggested that idea?" I asked.
I'm not sure what was so funny to Isshiki about that, but she giggled
a little at my apparently endearing silliness, then replied in a low
whisper like it was a secret for only me to know. "They did. Of course
I'd never suggest that!"
"Of course…" She really does seem like she'd treat the job with contempt. When
you have a type like that in the workplace, it's a burden on everyone
else. They do say the faults of others are a good teacher. So as not to
be a burden to others, I should absolutely not get a job.
But anyway, I'm impressed she could accept the proposal when
that's her stance…, I was thinking as I eyed her in exasperation.
Remembering must have made her angry, as she forgot to put on her
I'm-so-cute act and continued quite huffily, "Obviously, you'd
normally say no to something like that, right? I've got Christmas
plans of my own, after all."
"Saying no is obvious to you, huh…?"
"That's way too personal a reason…"
Yuigahama and I were both stunned.
I don't know whether to call that mental fortitude or fearlessness
or what… You've got the second-most rotten personality after me,
don't you? This is starting to inspire a genuine sense of affinity in me,
and worst case I could get a crush on you, so please don't.
But it seemed she wasn't actually fearless, and Isshiki's shoulders
slumped as she muttered, "But Miss Hiratsuka said to do it, so…"
Oh, so she's involved in this, too. No surprise there, huh? Or wait—
if she's similar to me even in her weakness to Miss Hiratsuka, then that
gives us even more in common— Tl;dr you get it.
"So we've gotten started, but then, it's like… Hmm, I guess…it isn't
really coming together?" Isshiki said. I think she was pretty seriously
disheartened this time; there was no humor in her tone. She wasn't a
particularly hard worker, and she didn't think much of what student
council did, but it seemed she was still concerned in her own way.
Maybe I should give her credit for caring enough that she would
come talk to us instead of abandoning it. Plus, it wasn't as if she'd become president of her own will. She'd basically been semi-tricked
into it by me. And because of that guilt, I found myself going easy on
her.
"Well, that's what happens if you're working with another school.
Don't worry about it."
"Yeah, right?" Isshiki said. She tilted her head and looked at me
through her lashes as she added another "Riiight?"
That's super-manipulative, and it's not even cute… This part is what
makes her different from Komachi.
Anyway, I'll summarize her rambling explanation.
The first job of the new student council was a Christmas event with
the goal of contribution to the community. Soubu wouldn't be going
at it solo but rather working in cooperation with Kaihin High School.
This was more challenging than what the student council usually
managed. She not only had to coordinate with another school but
also to do it before the internal relations within student council, as
well as her own position, had truly solidified. It was a bit of a heavy
burden for a rookie.
Judging from the timing, this plan may have been decided before
Isshiki had been elected. In other words, it was the legacy of the
previous generation.
That does happen sometimes. Whoever handled things before will
casually leave behind their old mess. That happened at my old part-
time job. You're just doing your job as usual, and then it suddenly
shows up like a land mine and you just gotta deal with it, even when
you have no clue what you're doing. And what's more, when I
questioned my predecessor about it, they told me it was so long ago,
they didn't remember. So what would you have me do? Thanks to this incident, when I quit, my successor took it over without me ever
having touched it. In order to break such tragic chains of
disadvantage, I will absolutely never get a job.
Well, never mind about me.
The issue here was Isshiki and her predecessor.
"Wait, before you come to us, you should ask Shiromeguri about it."
Meguri Shiromeguri, aka Megumegurin , the holder of Megurin
Power, was the student council president before Isshiki. She's sweet
and cute. What's with this half-assed explanation?
Since the handover of the student council president role would still
be ongoing, normally, it was standard procedure to talk to her first.
So…why was Isshiki here instead of Meguri? Did she get a special
letter? I never wanted her on the character roster, though…
After I said that, Isshiki's gaze drifted away. "Yeah, that's true…but I
can't burden someone studying for entrance exams, can I?"
Meguri had been guaranteed a recommendation to her school of
choice, though, so I doubted she was that busy. Maybe Isshiki didn't
like her that much? Well, to someone like Isshiki who put on an
airheaded fluffy-sweet act, a real fluffy-sweet airhead like Megurin
might hurt to look at. The real thing is always overwhelming and
unreachable, after all. I could understand wanting to avert your eyes.
"You guys are the only ones I can ask!"
When Isshiki finished her explanation, Yuigahama and I both
breathed short sighs. I guess this is what you call being speechless
with exasperation.
Following our silence, a quiet moment passed.
But we were not the only reason for that quiet.
This silence was because Yukinoshita was not following her usual
routine of inquiring into the circumstances of the visitor. Instead, she
remained taciturn.
Noticing that, I looked at her.
Her long eyelashes gently lowered, eyes like the still surface of a
lake, she looked at Isshiki—no, she looked at us.
Instantly, I realized what felt so off.
I'd felt relief when Isshiki had walked into the clubroom, and then I
had been uneasy about that relief—and that was because nothing
had happened when Isshiki and Yukinoshita had seen each other.
If Yukinoshita had sincerely wanted to be student council president,
then…
The ones to prevent that had been Isshiki and, most of all, me.
Perhaps it was cruel for Isshiki to come asking about this.
If we were to take on this request, we'd wind up functionally working
as agents for the student council.
I still didn't know what Yukinoshita really thought of this situation,
but I figured perhaps it would be cruel to place student council
affairs right in front of her face. Showing her what she wanted but
couldn't have had to be the cruelest thing of all.
Was it right to accept Isshiki's request?
As I was hesitating, Isshiki must have felt doubtful about the pause,
as her gaze drifted around anxiously. "What should I do?"
Isshiki seemed fully ready to rely on us for this, but I was concerned
about what Yukinoshita would say. I waited for her to react, but she
didn't reply at all.
Yukinoshita must have sensed Yuigahama and me looking at her. She
brought her hand to her chin in a thoughtful gesture. "I see… I
basically understand the situation, but…" Despite the long pause she
had taken before opening her mouth, she did not come to a
conclusion immediately and spoke somewhat vaguely.
Then she glanced over at me and Yuigahama. "What do you think?"
This had to be the first time she'd ever asked us whether we would
take a request or not. Until now, she'd always made that judgment
herself.
If I were to interpret this change in a positive way, I'd call it an
accommodation. But I got the feeling it was not.
As for Yuigahama, her answer was clear as soon as she heard the
question. "Why not? Let's do it!"
Yukinoshita examined her, asking with her eyes alone for her reason
why.
"It's been a long time since we last got a request. We haven't had
anything like this lately. We haven't had much to do, I guess…"
Under Yukinoshita's calm stare, Yuigahama wilted and trailed off.
"So…I think it'd be nice if we could work on something…like
before…"
Like before—the words stuck with me.
I think Yuigahama was hoping this would jump-start us again. She
was thinking maybe we could dispel this atmosphere as we dealt
with a consultation or request, like we had before.
"I see. Then I think that would be fine."
But Yukinoshita's clear voice denied that possibility.
Her faint smile and her question to us was not an accommodation.
It was capitulation. It was founded in her resignation—giving in,
yielding the judgment and conclusion to someone else.
"…Eh, wouldn't it be better to not?"
The remark left my mouth on its own.
I doubted we could do anything with the Service Club in its current
state. And besides, I couldn't stand shoving student council business
in Yukinoshita's face. I didn't know what she really thought, but what
I was imagining was probably not too far off the mark.
I couldn't let this place deteriorate any more than it already had. We
couldn't take that risk.
If I'd acted out of a desire to protect this, then I had to commit to
that to the end. Though I had no idea when that end would be, or
where the goal was.
Yukinoshita offered no response to my opinion, merely staring at me,
but Yuigahama asked me for my rationale. "Huh? Why not?"
"This is a student council problem. Besides, it's not good for Isshiki to
be relying on others from the get-go."
"Yeah, maybe you're right, but…" My excuse made Yuigahama smush
her bun and fiddle with it in thought for a bit. And though I call it an
excuse, it was a fair argument. It should have been enough to make
her back down.
But there was one person in the room who was not persuaded.
"Huh? What're you talking about?" Isshiki grumbled at me.
Well, I'd anticipated that. "This club doesn't do everything for you.
We're ultimately here only to lend a hand. We're not subcontractors
to accept what you dump in our lap. Subcontracting seems like a real
tough job, too. Don't you know about subcontracting law? Not that I do. Anyway, this is yours to handle, Isshiki. You got that?" Shooting
my zealous argument back at her, I prompted Isshiki to get up as I
stood myself. And I pushed her out of the clubroom—er, escorted
her out.
Though she reluctantly acquiesced to my zone press, Isshiki didn't
forget to complain. "I became president 'cause you said I should? So
I'd appreeeciate it if you did something for me!"
Hearing that did weaken my resistance.
It was obvious that I should take responsibility toward Iroha Isshiki,
since it was by my actions that she had become student council
president. That also meant there was one other person besides
Isshiki I had to take responsibility for, too.
So it was clear now what action I should take.
As I chased Isshiki out of the clubroom, I left with her.
Closing the door behind me, I took a few steps away from the room
before I turned back to Isshiki, who was still complaining incessantly,
and sighed a little. "…I said we wouldn't, back there, but…can we
figure out a way for me to help you?"
"Huh?" Isshiki tilted her head, apparently very confused by what I
was saying. Well, I had just refused her so emphatically. It was no
surprise she'd react like this.
And so I slowly laid it out for her. "Not as the club. Me helping
personally. So Yukinoshita and Yuigahama won't be in on it. I think it
could be possible, if we do it that way."
Listening to my explanation, Isshiki narrowed her eyes and seemed
to be pondering, but she quickly gave the okay nod. "…Well, I'd be
fine with that, too. And, like, you alone would actually be easier to
han— I mean, I think I could relax and rely on you?" Uh, you didn't have to correct that.
"So then you're okay with that?" I confirmed one final time, and
Isshiki replied with enthusiasm.
"Yep!"
For now, I'd do what I could on my own. It was exceedingly doubtful
exactly how much help that would be, but, well, I could back up
Isshiki, at least.
At a glance, Isshiki looked like a bit of an idiot, but it's not as if her
brain is empty. I think if she did a proper job without trying to rely on
us, she could become fairly presidential…
Oh yeah. Thinking back to rely on… I remembered when I'd
convinced Isshiki to be the student council president, I'd imparted to
her a secret tactic. But she had yet to activate it on this occasion.
Before we began the task at hand, I should ask her about that.
"But wait, what about Hayama? Hayama, c'mon. Isn't this the kind of
thing you go to him for help with, so you can get closer to him?" I
asked.
Isshiki's cheeks reddened slightly, and she averted her eyes. "…This is
something that's actually hard, so it'd be too much to bother him
with."
So it's fine to bother me, huh…? Well, I suppose it is.
But man, it was almost admirable, trying to bother him—Isshiki was
doing the proper lovestruck girl thing, in her own way. I was
impressed.
But the instant after I was struck by that thought, Isshiki snickered
and put on a devilish grin. "Besiiides, with stuff like this, it's cute
when a girl can't manage simple things, right? And isn't it cuuute
when she messes up? If she's asking for help with something that's
actually a huge pain, it'd seem like too much."
"Oh, is that right…?"
Wow, she reeeeally is a great character, huh…? Give it back! Give me
back that impressed feeling! Never mind devilish, she's a straight-up
devil. A demon! A devil! An editor!
That Devilish Girl Iroha completely ignored my freak-out and briskly
began talking about what came next. "So let's meet up in front of the
school gates later. I'll be heading out soon."
"Huh? We're starting today…?" I said.
Isshiki wilted apologetically. "Sorry, there's not much time…"
There's not much time meant that the plan had moved along
somewhat, and she must have tried managing things by herself at
first. Although she ultimately had made the decision to rely on us,
she had indeed made the effort to handle things herself. I couldn't
blame her for that.
"…No, it's fine. But let's meet up somewhere else. It'd be
embarrassing if we left the school together and any friends started
gossiping about it…"
"What?" Isshiki's face was serious. Hmm, maybe she didn't get it
because we were from different generations. She was actually
staring at me seriously without saying any comebacks, like I thought
you didn't have any friends. Then she sighed in exasperation. "Well,
fine… Do you know the community center by the train station?
We're meeting there."
"Oh, there?" I'd gone right past there many times on my way to the
station. I recalled there was a senior care facility and a preschool or
something nearby. I get it; so then "contributing to the community" means it'd be for those old people and kids. The venue for the day of
the event would probably be there, too.
I assumed I'd pick up the other details along the way, so first, we'd
leave the school.
"All right," I said, "I'll go once I've got my stuff together."
"Okay. Right, right! I'll see you there." Isshiki smiled and gave me a
little bow.
Like I said, manipulative!
After watching Isshiki turn the corner of the hallway, I went back to
the clubroom. Right, so then I had to get ready to go before the time
we would meet up.
When I opened the door of the clubroom, Yuigahama and
Yukinoshita looked over at me.
"What did Iroha-chan say?" Yuigahama asked, and I gave the reply I
had already come up with.
"She whined a whole bunch, but I think I persuaded her."
"Oh…" Yuigahama's shoulders drooped despondently as if she was
somehow let down. And then she continued quietly and with some
trepidation at Yukinoshita's potential reaction. "I kinda…thought it'd
be nice to do something, since it's been a while…"
"Well, something'll come eventually." When that time comes, I
wonder what sort of answer I'll give them. I didn't know what that
would be, so I merely said whatever came to my lips.
An ever-so-tiny smile slipped into Yukinoshita's expression.
"Perhaps…it would be better if there were no requests. For things to go on without event." Quietly, her gaze darted to the window. Her
eyes were reflecting the dim red sky, I'm sure.
"…Maybe." It was the most I could do to reply to Yukinoshita's
vanishing voice. That was why I immediately made my next remark
before it could drag out. "Doesn't look like anyone else'll come
today."
"It seems that way…," Yukinoshita replied and closed her book. It
seemed she had taken that as the sign to go.
Once I saw that, I grabbed my bag, too. "Then I'm heading out now."
"Oh, then I guess we'll call it for today," Yuigahama said as she
rummaged around and started getting ready to go. Turning my back
to her, I left the clubroom a bit before them.
I realized something, long ago. It's not necessarily right to get
involved every single time something comes to us. Sometimes you
think it's for the best, but then you get the worst outcome. A lot of
the time, you won't be able to take it back or do it over.
So then, what have I…?
What have we been doing all this time?