Both inside the dream and reality are being eroded by madness. Even if I abstain from food, my body changed toward the egg-laying period.
My abdomen is enlarging. Lives different from me are packed inside this. Beings different from myself while being inside my body. Not a speck of feeling to love the children as a mother arises.
I even thought I wanted to tear off my stomach. But if I did that, I would die. I also thought that if I hated it so much, maybe I should just lay them. But what waits beyond that is a lifetime as a Queen Ant.
I have to continue laying hundreds, thousands of eggs, enough to form a single nest. Even though I am this cornered even at the stage before laying, I didn't think my mind could hold up, not by a long shot.
To escape this suffering, there is no other path but to die. Actually, there were times I resorted to self-harm, but this body is unexpectedly sturdy; whether I slammed it against the wall or bit it, it wasn't wounded.
However, ultimately, I probably don't intend to die in earnest. If I did, I could surely end my life smoothly, and I wouldn't be agonizing this much. The more I think about dying, the stronger my attachment to life became. Only the pain of having no escape accumulates.
Perhaps my abnormal behavior was too much to overlook; the caretaker soldier ants began to monitor me. Since I was in a mentally cornered situation, I held discomfort toward their actions, but perhaps they are caring for me in their own way.
The fact that they continued to carry mountains of food was likely an action out of worry for me fasting. Even now, they are watching over me so I don't commit self-harm. When I think of that, I felt apologetic.
If asked who is the worst, it is myself without room for excuse. There is no sin in the children who will be born. I know that. But no matter what, I cannot process that calmly within myself.
That day too, I ate nothing. I haven't eaten for days. Has a week passed? Even so, my consciousness is still clear, and though I have no strength, I can move. The life force of a Chimera Ant is strong. I could probably survive fasting for a while longer.
But I can't stay like this forever. The limit will come. Before that happens, I must reach a conclusion within myself. Will I live as a Queen Ant, or...
Kichi, Kichi
Suddenly, there was a sound. This is the intimidation sound our comrades make. It produces a sound like metal rubbing together by gnashing hard jaws. There are no ants who would rudely emit such a sound near the room of me, the Queen. Wondering what it was, I turned my eyes that way.
The one there was the King Ant. My father. Until now, we had never faced each other properly. Because he held absolutely no interest in me and left all the care to the soldier ants of the Royal Guards.
Why has he appeared now? The King Ant is a size larger in physique than the soldier ants. Seen from human eyes, it might be a difference of a few centimeters in body length, but seen from the perspective of us ants, the difference is evident. His intimidation is not comparable to the soldier ants.
The moment I saw that father's figure, a fierce disgust welled up. A discomfort so great I felt resistance even to acknowledging the ant in front of me as my father. Intense emotion, almost murderous intent, dominated my mind.
I was greatly bewildered by that change in emotion. Before, when I saw the King Ant's figure, I never felt such thoughts. Certainly, he neglected me, his child, all this time, but that is action based on Chimera Ant ecology. There is no good or evil in that, and I accept it. However, if so, what is this emotion I am harboring now?
Kichi...
Almost unconsciously, I was emitting an intimidation sound. Perhaps reacting to that, the King Ant approaches me. I felt instinctive fear. I stood up from the bed and retreated as if to flee.
The King Ant chased me. Reaching this point, my fear overcomes the disgust. It is simply scary. I flee in confusion without even knowing what I am afraid of.
However, a game of tag between me, whose physical strength has dropped from eating nothing, and the King Ant who possesses a healthy physique; the result of the match was visible. To begin with, there was no place to escape in the narrow room from the start, and I was easily caught from behind.
The King Ant weighed down on me as if taking a mount from behind. At that moment, the disgust that had been suppressed by fear surfaced again. No, it can't be expressed with such words. A terrifying repulsiveness beyond description.
'Stop! Save me!'
Even knowing it wouldn't connect, I couldn't help but ask for help via radio wave transmission. The soldier ants monitoring me didn't move a muscle even seeing this situation. I twisted my body frantically and tried to shake off the King Ant weighing on me.
Exerting power surprising even to myself, wondering where such stamina was left, I escaped the King Ant's restraint. The King Ant, having been shaken off, wandered away just as he came.
I don't know what he wanted to do. Anyway, I was shaken as if my mind and body were messed up, and I was exhausted. Even returning to the bed, the trembling doesn't stop. Now that I don't know why the King Ant came here, there is no guarantee he won't come here again. When I think that, I didn't feel like resting slowly, and unable to sleep a wink, I continued staring at the entrance of the room forever.
Days like hell continued after that. Malnutrition due to refusal to eat, yet my body was smoothly preparing for egg-laying. As if prioritizing producing eggs over my own living, nutrients flow to my abdomen.
Since then, the King Ant has come to appear before me regularly. He bites my body, exhausted in mind and soul, inflicting wounds. Even if we cannot communicate, I somehow understood what he wanted to say. He is saying to lay eggs quickly. To fulfill my role. As proof of that, I am still being kept alive.
I had no energy left to resist that violence. I am at his mercy. My red exoskeleton, like armor, was bitten by the King Ant countless times, leaving teeth marks and cracks. No matter how hard this armor boasts of being, it couldn't possibly endure before the fangs that have crushed the red stones, its main raw material.
I stopped meditating. The state was not one where I could calm my heart and sharpen my mind, not by a long shot. Nevertheless, I came to dream that dream.
That space represents my inner self. Those capsules likely imply the eggs in my stomach. Day by day, the number of capsules talking to me increased. I don't know if those voices are truly emitted by the eggs in my stomach. It might be just a delusion projected by my guilt of not wanting to lay the eggs.
But the truth of that no longer matters. Noise echoes in my head. I was starting to lose track of whether this is a dream or reality. The voices of 'them' can be heard incessantly.
There was a feeling of expansion as if a balloon was inflating inside my stomach. I have already entered the egg-laying period long ago. I am in a state where I can lay them anytime. I seal that instinct and endure only through willpower.
I don't want to give birth. To me, that was the most detestable thing. I don't know the reason, but even though I am being given pain enough to lead to death, I cannot lay the eggs. The memories within me are rejecting it.
One day, the King Ant came and tore off one of my legs. The next day, he tore off one more. That was yesterday. He might come today too. Then the third leg will probably be gone. Tomorrow, the fourth? Even if all my legs are gone, he won't be troubled. I can lay eggs even without legs. To him, I am an existence solely for producing eggs.
As expected, the King Ant came. He bites my leg and swings me around. I, dragged around like a toy, was slammed against the wall at the same time my leg was torn off. My consciousness fades to black just like that.
'Mother, why won't you give birth to us?'
'I want to meet you soon.'
'We haven't done anything wrong.'
It's impossible now. I feel like I'm going to be crushed by the voices rushing in like a raging wave. I can't stand it. I felt like I was going to stop being myself. I hold my head and crouch down.
Someone touched my shoulder. When I turned around, the silver-haired girl was there. She is staring at me with the expression exactly as I saw back then.
It was a question. Who is she? Isn't this the world representing my inner self? The capsules represent the eggs. Then, what is she? Why, for what reason is she here?
'Who are you?' I asked.
She opens her mouth. As if to disturb that, the capsules begin to make noise all at once. I can't hear. I can't hear anything...
She grabbed the neck of me, who was stricken. She brings her face close. Close, close, close enough to touch. Her voice finally reached me.
'You are me,' she said.
At that moment, her existence vanished as if she wasn't there from the start. And, I realize. My body had turned into the same form as the girl.
Human hands, human chest, human belly, human legs, and a human head. That's right, I was a human. I just didn't realize it; I was a human from the start.
The noise disappears. The radio waves are tuned normally.
'Who are you?' I asked.
'You are me,' the capsules answered all at once.
But, it's not perfect yet. Slight noise remains.
'I am different.'
There are a few capsules emitting a particularly large shine. They were still emitting noise. It is very unpleasant. I punched a capsule.
It was softer than I thought. My fist bites into the membrane with a squelch. It has elasticity and I can't easily break through. I punch, I kick. I grab it with both hands and pull left and right. I bite with my teeth.
'I, am, diff, ah, ah...'
Finally, it tore. Thick, shining liquid leaks out from inside. And one noise faded. There are still other sources. I must break them all.
'I am different.'
There's still more.
'I am different.'
Shut up.
'I am different.'
Silence.
'I am different.'
I am.
'I am different.'
You.
And all the noise disappeared.
I wake up. The sunlight is dazzling. Is this outside the nest? My joints screamed with a creak. Even trying to stand up, it doesn't go well. I only have three legs left.
My exoskeleton was tattered. Full of wounds and holes. But I am still alive. It seems I avoided being killed. However, judging from this situation of being thrown out of the nest, it is thought that I was completely abandoned and exiled.
I am covered in wounds and can't move. But my heart was clearer than ever before.
The feeling of expansion in my stomach is gone. I don't feel the instinct that I must lay eggs either. I was liberated from the bonds.
I obtained "Me."
『Spirit Synchronization (You Are Me)』
Type: Manipulation.
Based on the radio wave communication ability possessed by Chimera Ants, one can put Nen into the radio waves and release them. It manipulates the body of the person who touches this Nen wave and remodels their consciousness into a 'Shared Spirit Entity' exactly the same as oneself. A 'Hatsu' created unconsciously by the Queen Ant.
Originally, the Queen Ant, who hasn't awakened to Nen abilities, should not be able to learn this special ability, but the 'Nen of the Dead' of the girl who was her mother and a Specialist aided the manifestation of this ability.
[Constraints]
Only works on opponents whose ego is unformed.Only works on those who possess aura exactly identical to the user.Only works on opponents the user recognizes as "Myself."
[Pledge]
None