Lao Zhang burst into the village like a rooster fleeing a cleaver, shouting all the way:
"Hey! The Heyang bandits are coming!"
That single shout sent the ordinary villagers into a tail-spinning panic. Especially the recent arrivals — the "short-term workers" who had never lived through the Battle of the Unshakable Ming King or the Night Raid on Gaojia Fort.
These poor souls had no memory of Dao Xuan Tianzun swooping in to defend them during past crises. So the moment they heard "bandits," their legs turned to noodles. Many bolted straight into their plastic huts and curled up inside, trembling like winter puppies.
Even Cheng Xu flinched — and to be fair, he had never really seen the Tianzun take action. That one time when the Jinyiwei nearly killed him… well, sure, something divine had interfered, but the sky was raining mud, he was laughing like a lunatic, and everything was a blur.
But regardless — he had to step up.
Brush.
He leapt to the front and grabbed Lao Zhang.
"Bandits? How far? How many?"
Lao Zhang panted, "They're climbing from the east slope. Four or five li away from Zhengjia Village. Don't know the numbers yet — I rushed ahead to warn you."
Cheng Xu did a quick calculation. Four or five li uphill? That's a full workout. And Zhengjia Village to Gaojia Village was another six li of paved road. So they had at least one hour to prepare.
He waved sharply:
"Militia — gear up! Assemble at the village entrance!"
Over a hundred militia members scattered to arm themselves.
The original forty-six veterans had padded armor now — proper cotton coats, crossbows, quivers, and long spears with iron tips. Within minutes, they looked decently intimidating.
The later-joined members didn't have full armor yet, only some metal plates sewn into key spots. They still had crossbows and spears, but sturdiness varied by enthusiasm and sewing skill.
While they equipped themselves, Cheng Xu yelled:
"Solar bus! Now! Take me to Zhengjia Village!"
Two new bus drivers scrambled over to start the vehicle.
Cheng Xu was just about to hop on when Xing Honglang came bounding down the slope, followed by thirty-odd of her salt-smuggling underlings.
"Wei-jiaoshi! Wait for me! I'm coming too!"
Cheng Xu frowned. "This is Gaojia Fort business."
Xing Honglang grinned like a bandit queen — which she was.
"My men saw Er-Chun."
She lifted her injured arm.
"This scar? Courtesy of that idiot."
That shut Cheng Xu up.
He jumped onto the solar bus and beckoned.
Xing Honglang eyed the strange vehicle suspiciously, then barked to her crew:
"On! All of you!"
"Yes, boss!"
They piled onto the solar bus like a circus act.
The merchants gawked around them.
"What is this thing? It can fit all of us?"
"It's moving! With all our weight?!"
"Amazing!"
The bus zoomed down the cement road and reached Zhengjia Village quickly. Cheng Xu and Xing Honglang jumped off and ordered:
"Return immediately and bring the militia!"
Then they ran uphill.
At the ridge, Lao Zhu and two rookie militiamen had been keeping watch. They whispered as the leaders arrived:
"What's the situation?"
Lao Zhu pointed downward.
One glance was enough to make both Cheng Xu and Xing Honglang suck in a breath.
A massive bandit column — like a giant snake — crawled up the narrow mountain trail.
They both blurted, almost in sync:
"Eight thousand!"
Their eyes met — both filled with dread.
Too many.
Cheng Xu muttered, "How? Months ago, Bai Shui Wang's rebellion had only a few hundred. Even when the Unshakable Ming King came out, that was what, a thousand? How did it explode into eight thousand in half a year?"
Xing Honglang frowned.
"I ran into Er-Chun days ago — he only had three hundred. We crushed him instantly. How did he suddenly… oh. Must've linked up with Fanshan Yue and Sui Fengxiong."
Li Daoxuan, overhearing, sighed inwardly.
*This is nothing. Early-stage peasant uprising. Give it time — tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands will show up. By the end, Li Zicheng had nearly a million.*¹
Don't panic yet. There's plenty more panic to come.
Xing Honglang whispered, "Wei-jiaoshi, what's your take?"
Cheng Xu glanced down — he saw elderly great-grandmas among the bandit ranks, climbing slowly with walking sticks.
If the enemy is recruiting great-grandmas… yeah, that's not a professional army.
He swallowed.
"Our militia isn't trained yet. A hundred men, plus your thirty or so — useless. We need to retreat."
Xing Honglang nodded. They turned to leave.
At that moment, two solar buses rumbled into Zhengjia Village.
One driven by Gao Chuwu and Zheng Daniu, carrying half the militia.
The second carried the rest.
The whole militia arrived.
Spotting Cheng Xu on the ridge, they ran over.
Gao Chuwu saw Xing Honglang and shrank like a bullied stray dog.
"I, uh—"
Xing Honglang snapped, "Shut up. Not now."
Zheng Daniu, meanwhile, stuck his head over the slope, looked down once, and chuckled:
"Great! Perfect spot to throw rocks! Even I know we have the advantage."
Cheng Xu glared at him.
"They're too many. We can't fight. We need to retreat and evacuate everyone toward the county town. If you start throwing rocks, we'll slow down and won't escape in time."
Zheng Daniu argued, "We can't run! The wheat fields will be ruined. We have to defend!"
"We can't fight such numbers!" Cheng Xu insisted.
Zheng Daniu stood his ground.
"We have the Tianzun. How can we lose?"
Cheng Xu snapped, "Dao Xuan Tianzun doesn't fight battles."
"He gave us the catapult! The big cannon—!"
Cheng Xu froze.
Then his eyes lit up.
He looked back at the slope.
That old great-grandma climbing up?
She suddenly disappeared in his mind — replaced by radiant golden light.
Do you believe in light?
Triumphant music blasted in his imagination.
War God Cheng Xu of Chengcheng revived at full morale.
He raised his arm dramatically.
"All men — get the big rocks ready. On my command… we'll smash them into mush!"
Footnotes
1. Early peasant uprisings in late Ming often started with a few hundred desperate people, but instability (famine, tax failures, drought cycles) could make them balloon to tens of thousands almost overnight. Li Zicheng's army indeed expanded to massive, near-legendary numbers as the dynasty collapsed.