"Stop right there! Elliot, you bastard, don't run!"
"Elliot, get back here! I'm going to beat the shit out of you today and then stuff it back into your mouth!"
"You're really going too far this time! Desecrating a deity! You deserve to die ten thousand deaths!"
Jesse, Zane, and Matt, like runaway mad dogs, were engaged in a high-speed chase within the Palace of the Sumeru Sage.
Jesse carried an RPG rocket launcher covered in "Thousand Years of Death" talismans, Zane brandished a crackling thunder hammer sparking with electricity, and Matt dragged a giant spiked mace covered in sharp barbs, comparable to a siege ram!
Elliot, the one being chased, pushed his speed to the limit, his legs moving so fast they left afterimages, creating a blur like fire wheels. As he ran, he shrieked over his shoulder, "I was wrong! I was really wrong! Help! They're killing Hilichurls! Is there no law and order?!"
Nahida, who had just been pulled out of a pile of documents to get some fresh air, held a date palm fruit larger than her face, looking bewildered at the sudden chase. Her small head couldn't comprehend the situation: "What... happened to them?"
Before she could finish, Greater Lord Rukkhadevata Buer, full of emotion, pulled her into a tight embrace! "Oh my goodness! My Nahida! You look so cute in this outfit! Let big sister hug you! Snuggle!"
Greater Lord Rukkhadevata buried her face in Nahida's soft hair, letting out happy whimpers, completely ignoring the chaos before her.
Clearly, she was very satisfied with Nahida's new look...
Lumine sighed deeply, covering Paimon's eyes, who was excitedly shouting, "Go! Fight! Fight!", with one hand, and supporting her forehead with the other.
She glanced at Momonga, who was sitting in a chair nearby, his entire skeleton trembling slightly, red light flickering wildly in his eye sockets as if he was about to overload (his forced calm passive was constantly triggering). Finally, her gaze helplessly fell upon the source of this commotion—Nahida.
The small Dendro Archon was wearing an extremely delicate black and white lace maid outfit, with cute cat ear headbands on her head, white stockings covering her calves, and she wasn't even wearing shoes... This attire, combined with her bewildered little face, had the destructive power of a nuclear bomb.
It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was definitely Elliot's "masterpiece"!
Soon, Jesse and Zane returned, holding the beaten and bruised Elliot, who looked like a dead dog, one on each side. Matt followed behind, dragging the spiked mace, glaring menacingly.
And it was at this very moment!
Whoosh—!
The surrounding environment suddenly changed! The original scene of the Palace of the Sumeru Sage receded like a tide!
Lumine, Paimon, Momonga, and Greater Lord Rukkhadevata felt their bottoms sink, finding themselves neatly seated on the long bench of an audience gallery!
And before them, was a solemn (?) courtroom!
Zane, wearing a black robe and a wig, sat sternly on the judge's bench. He picked up the gavel on the table, struck it with a "dong," and in a sorrowful yet authoritative voice, declared: "Silence! Court is now in session! Bring in the defendant—Elliot!"
Matt threw Elliot into the defendant's restraint chair (which had "For the Utterly Wicked" carved into it) like he was a little chicken.
"Defendant Elliot!"
Judge Zhang adjusted his non-existent glasses.
"You are accused of multiple serious crimes including 'Deceiving a Deity,' 'Distorted Aesthetics,' and 'Public Loli-Conning'! Do you plead guilty?!"
"I—am—not—guilty—!"
Even while bound, Elliot stiffened his neck and let out an unyielding roar.
"Nahida is five hundred years old! By age, she's my great-great-grandmother's generation! This isn't loli-conning! This is archaeology! This is nostalgia! This is a noble tribute to ancient wisdom!"
"Huh?"
Nahida, sitting in the prosecutor's seat, was even more bewildered. She looked down at her cat paw gloves, then around her, her small head seemingly filled with question marks.
How did she end up in this position?
"Pah!"
Jesse, sitting in the witness stand, slammed the table, so angry he almost picked up the RPG.
"I have never seen such a shameless person! Matt! Present the evidence!"
"Everyone, please look!"
Matt stood up and, as if presenting a peerless treasure, solemnly pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, which looked like it had been torn from a notebook. On it, in scrawled handwriting, was written: "Nahida's Mental State Preliminary Assessment Report (Draft)."
"Huh?"
Nahida's small mouth was slightly agape, staring dumbfounded at the so-called "evidence."
"According to this authoritative report issued by the 'Teyvat Non-Professional Wild Guess Association'!" Matt's voice boomed.
"Although Ms. Nahida is five hundred years old! Due to her long-term imprisonment and lack of common social knowledge! Her psychological age is no different from that of a young child!"
"Therefore! Elliot! You exploited her cognitive deficiencies to commit fraud and spiritual defilement! Your heart deserves to be punished! Your crime deserves castration!"
Jesse added indignantly.
"Objection!"
A calm and elegant voice rang out. The Wolf King, at some point, had changed into a sharp suit and gold-rimmed glasses, and was now sitting in the defense attorney's seat.
He elegantly stood up: "The so-called 'report' provided by the prosecution lacks any official medical institution's seal or physician's signature, thus it holds no legal validity and is invalid evidence! My client requests it be dismissed in court!"
"Hahaha! Well done! Wolf King! As expected of my most loyal butler!"
Elliot burst into triumphant laughter, even pulling out a cup of iced oolong tea from somewhere and taking a delighted sip.
"How about it, Jesse? Does it hurt? Are you frustrated? Does it feel just as bad as when your three boxes of snacks hidden under your bed mysteriously disappeared? That's right! I ate them all!"
"Huh?"
"What the hell?"
"Hmm?"
"What!!!"
Judge Zhang, Witness Matt, and Attorney Wolf King all stared dumbfounded at Elliot.
Jesse was even more thunderstruck, clutching his chest and stumbling back three steps, as if he heard the sound of his heart breaking!
"And you! Matt!"
Elliot was clearly high, and began to self-destruct indiscriminately.
"Did you feel an itch on your back today? Guess what I stuck on you?"
"Huh?"
Matt instinctively reached back to his huge back and indeed pulled off a piece of paper that was like a postage stamp to him.
He brought it closer to his eyes, and his face instantly turned as black as a pot bottom!
On the paper was an arrow pointing to his back, with a line of small text next to it: "This person's true form is a beast-eared, purple-haired loli, super cute!"
Crackle! Terrifying lightning instantly erupted from Matt's body, and the piece of paper was vaporized without even leaving ash!
Matt's massive body trembled slightly with rage, and the Electro element crackled uncontrollably.
"Lord Elliot?! What's wrong with you?!"
The Wolf King stared in shock at his client, who had suddenly launched a "suicide attack."
"And you! Zane!"
Elliot completely let loose, pointing at the judge's bench.
"Do you know why your precious thunder hammer always leaks electricity, and specifically into your own crotch? Because I drew an 'Amplified Bad Luck Talisman' on it with invisible ink! The design is—a pig wearing a judge's wig!"
"What?!"
Judge Zhang instantly broke down, no longer caring about his image. He violently picked up his thunder hammer and frantically wiped its head with his hand.
Indeed, under the stimulation of Electro elemental power, a faintly glowing, extremely vulgar pig-headed judge pattern slowly appeared!
Zane: "..."
Everyone: "..."
The courtroom fell into a deathly silence.
"What on earth did you drink?!"
The Wolf King darted to the defendant's stand, picked up the empty glass bottle at Elliot's feet, and brought it to his nose—a strong smell of alcohol mixed with oolong tea rushed to his head.
The bottle had an extremely dangerous label: [Water of Life · Flammable Oolong Tea Special Blend]!
"..."
The Wolf King was silent.
Everyone else was silent too.
Case closed.
This stuff, let alone Elliot, would probably make Matt dance ballet if he drank it.
"Clang!"
Sure enough, Elliot's head tilted, and he immediately started snoring loudly in the restraint chair, completely falling into a deep sleep.
Everyone silently turned their gaze to Zane, whose face was ashen, on the judge's bench.
Zane took a deep breath, as if using all his strength to maintain the (last shred of) dignity of the court: "...Defense attorney... do you have anything else to state?"
The Wolf King expressionlessly pushed up his glasses: "...Your Honor, my client... has voluntarily given up on treatment. That's all."
"Good! Very good! In that case!"
Judge Zhang violently raised his gavel, striking it down like a death knell, letting out an angry roar: "This court hereby declares! Defendant Elliot, of the Utterly Wicked clan! Guilty of multiple crimes! The circumstances are extremely egregious! The attitude is extremely arrogant! Sentenced to—death! Immediate execution! Repeated execution! Until the account is terminated!"
"Yes!!!"
Jesse and Matt, as if having received a sacred decree, their eyes Burning with the flames of revenge, walked with sinister smiles towards the defendant's stand, dragging the sleeping Elliot, who looked like a dead pig, towards the backyard.
In the audience gallery, Lumine sighed silently again, Paimon excitedly recorded "material," the red light in Momonga's eyes finally slowed its flickering frequency, and Greater Lord Rukkhadevata was still affectionately stroking the bewildered Nahida in her arms.
It seems that Sumeru's "peaceful" life will continue to be this chaotic.
And Elliot's "death sentence"... will probably only be the beginning of the next farce.