The last thing I remember was the haunting and primal feeling of choking on my own blood, abandoned on the street. Then…nothing.
Huh. That's weird.
So why doesn't my neck hurt, then?
My hands fly to my throat, expecting sticky blood and gaping holes.
Instead, I find that my neck was as it should be. Covered in smooth, whole skin. Without bullet holes.
It takes a second for that singular thought to register to my utterly confused brain.
I open my eyes.
What in the actual hell?
Yeah. Safe to say it registered in my brain…
I'm not hooked up to machines in an ambulance speeding to a hospital where I'd just acquire more debt.
I'm not even on the street outside Super Burgers. I'm … sitting in a lawn chair.
A cheap, striped lawn chair, like the kind Tío Carlos brought to BBQs in that one show my Abuela used to watch befire she died.
But the view? No backyard. In front of me flows a river of… is that light? Time? I see cities rise and fall in the currents, hear echoes of laughter and final breaths all at once. air hums, like standing next to the giant AC Unit that Ms. Calderero refuses to replace, despite it looking older than her.
"You mortals' reaction to life after death never fails to entertain me."
The voice is like honey and silk, evoking a not so noble physiological reaction from the lower half of my very much not dead body.
I jerk my head to the side, and instantly freeze.
Goddamn.
Okay. If before I had a little bit of doubt regarding me being dead, I don't know whether to accept that fact, or be grateful for it.
Maybe this is the afterlife. Maybe this is the test from God himself to judge my worthiness for admission to the afterlife.
If so, the angels have seriously… altered their dress code from the depictions we humans have imagined over the years.
And I'm going straight to hell in that case…
The entity before me is in the form of a woman who is breathtakingly perfect in a way that makes my brain stutter, as if tryimg to match my vocal skills, or lack thereof, at the present.
Her eyes are neon pink, and draw me in effortlessly. She is sipping tea, which somehow evokes such sensuality that I'll never need Viagra.
Not that I needed it previously…
I really didn't.
I swear!
Ahem. Anyone got a lozenge?
Anyways...
My mother's lesson I got as a kid snaps me out if my ogling sesh- ahem, trance, and echoes in my skull like Heimdall's Horn in Record of Ragnarok: "Respeto, mijo. Always show respect, especially when you have no idea what's going on."
My mouth moves before my brain fully catches up. "May I inquire my current location… Your… holiness?"
She laughs, and the sound makes the shimmering air dance. "Haha! Even in such a predicament as this, you still defer to proper honorifics. How amusing!"
"My mother taught me to give respect where respect seems necessary," I say automatically.
My eyes, against my better judgment, dip for a brief moment, admiring the pinnacle of the female form.
Her gown is like an ancient Greek bikini, and it is… distractingly designed.
I wrench my gaze back to her gorgeous eyes. "Never before, never after."
"Yes, yes! I know." Her smile is knowing, almost sultry. Intimate. "Quite a unique lady Valeria was."
I blink. "You know my mamá?"
Did a goddess just name-drop my mom? Wow. That is one thought I never imagined happening…
She grins, and it is full of playful mischief. "I know everyone and all things. But if you mean 'know' as in physical interaction within the same plane of existence… then no. I don't 'know' your mother."
I nodded graciously, internally confused.
What the hell does that even mean?
"Just for reference," she suddenly says grinning broadly causing me to to jump, "I can hear you!"
Shit. If she knows everything, she obviously can read my thoughts.
She switches back to that normal, smug tone. "And to answer your question, I know your mother beyond what she even knows herself. I've watched your whole Ancestral line, back to your first ancestors, and the origin of all peoples on your Earth who are as you mortals call it Hispanic. They crossed from Earth-3109 who crossed into your Earth 412 bullion years ago…" She waves a hand, her bracelets chiming. "Although, The labels you use… Hispanic, Latino, Latina, LatinX, you have so many for one group of people, changing more often than a baby's diaper… too hard to keep track."
I just stare, my jaw unhinged.
I am getting a family history lesson from a being who could attend the Last Supper for fun, and then be at Pompeii for dinner, before hitting up Planet Vegeta for a late night snack.
She giggles, stating,"That was oddly specific, but correct in essence.
Although, I would never attend the Last Supper. Way too unhygienic. Plus Peter pisses me off. Always feeling jealous, like a clingy ex side chick. Wholly revolting.
I'd rather see game 7 of '98 NBA finals if I had to go to your Earth. I've seen it 43,000 times. There's only one timeline where they lose."
My brain quite literally short circuits, as I imagine the goddess in a bulls uniform cheering on Jordan.
Actually, I bet she'd look sexier than muthafucka in that though…
Down, boy! Down!
Her expression softens, and she leans in, causing my heart to do a weird flip-flop. "You really are adorable. It's a shame your true potential was wasted. Working since a young age to provide for your family." She looks at me. "But even then, that's kinda hot in itself, yeah? Nothing like a dark skinned man working hard for his family! Kyaaa! So dreamy!"
Wait. Is she… flirting with me? Is the Goddess of Time saying… I'm her type? What the fuck?
"I can hear you!" she giggles in a sing song voice. Then she looks seductively over her shoulder abd says casually, "But yes. Even a goddess has aesthetical preferences. Nothing sexier than a good-looking, Tall, dark skinned man who puts family first." She winks, and a pair of hearts appears in her eyes. "That, and your accent is SO HOT!"
Ok… What the actual fuck? I must be dreaming. This is getting weirder and weirder with every passing moment.
Heat explodes across my face. I can feel it.
I know what you're thinking. Sonething alomg the lines of: You'd think a 28 year old man would be past blushing like an anime schoolgirl from a mere compliment from the opposite sex.
However, you've never heard a literal goddess with gravity defying jugs barely contained by a struggling micro bikini call you Sexy, manly, hot. It does stuff to a man that I didn't even know was possible…
I am blushing so hard I can feel it in my earlobes. "O-oh. T-thanks, your holiness…"
"My, my! Are you blushing?" She claps, and dios mío that bounce cannot be legal… "KYAAA! So cute. So cute!"
For those wondering, by now, I am a furnace. A speechless, embarrassed furnace under the gaze of an indescribably attractive and all-powerful goddess who is fangirling over me.
Somehow if I died, it'd be worth it just for this….
Finally, she seems to take a chill pill, though her smile is still a sultry smirk. "As much as I'd love to keep you here, my love… you can't stay. Your mortal soul can't handle it. So,to business, yeah?"
"R-right. Business." I try to sound composed. I fail. "What business exactly, goddess?"
"I have eternity," she says, as if explaining a slightly boring hobby. "So I took up the hobby of watching lives. Tragic lives, to be exact."
My eyes, with a will of their own, drift south again as she gestures. The boinkers on her chest bouncing hypnotically. "Mmmmm…"
"Eyes up front, Romeo. This is important."
I snap my head up so fast my neck crickets.
Caught. By a goddess. I'm dead, I'm in heaven, and I'm already in trouble. "Sorry! I'm… I was out of it. Sorry."
She laughs, not offended at all. "You like what you see, huh? Anyway, my hobby. Tragic lives. No ads for eternity, although reruns still apply. plus I get the added bonus of going in the show if I so desire."
The penny drops. "So that's how you noticed me, huh goddess?"
She claps again, and I pray for divine strength to keep my eyes locked on hers, and not her swaying maternal milk bags that seem to take pleasure in hypnotizing me. "Correct! And it's why I'm giving you a chance. A chance to relive your life… with a few extra perks."
"Is that possible?" The hope that surges in me is terrifying, but I remember the last time I felt terror.
However, who could resist an offer for a do-over.
A real one. Regression at its finest.
"Of course!" She nods, her own excitement palpable. "You'll regress to your birth, with all your memories intact. And you get two wishes. Name 'em."
Wishes, huh?
No hesitation. The dream of every late-night comic reader, every daydream during a concrete pour, bursts out of me. "The full Kryptonian Biology and full scope abilities of Superboy Prime from the DC comics Universe including his potential!"
She giggles, delighted. "Oh, my! You must have wanted that a lot! Wish granted."
I pant, lightheaded. "I'm a huge DC fan. I'd read on my phone during my breaks at work."
Then she is just there, her hand on my cheek. Her touch isn't warm; it is pure, buzzing energy. "Oh, Victor…" her voice is a whisper that goes straight to my spine. "You're forgetting… there's nothing about you… that I don't already know…"
DAMN. She's so sexy…
A wave of intense, embarrassing arousal hits me like a truck. I literally sway, dizzy.
She pulls back, giggling at my state. "Ooh! Vic! You're so fun to tease! Anyway, final wish."
I dig my nails into my palms, focusing.
Power is one thing. Time… that is another.
"Eternal Youth," I say, the words firm, exceot for obnoxiously exaggerated voice crack. "I want my second wish to be eternal youth."
She nods, approving. "Good choice. So it shall be."
And then she kisses me.
It isn't a kiss. It is a supernova in my soul. I feel knowledge and power. Experiences and memories not my own entailing vividly the taste of sunlight, the feel of invulnerable cells, the endless stretch of time for one with Eternal Youth, all of it burning itself into the core of who I am. It is both utterly terrifying and addictingly exhilarating.
She finally pulls away, grinning. "And with that, your wishes are permanently fused to your soul for eternity. Although, I could've just said it and it would've happened. But… where's the fun in that?"
I keep my eyes closed, trying to breathe, my lips still tingling with the echo of her power infused kiss.
"Now," her voice is bright, final, yet so.whiw teasingly seductive. "Time to send you back. Ta-ta!"
A gentle, irresistible force shoves me backward out of the lawn chair.
"Wait, whaaaaaaaaaa!!" I yell, tumbling into the brilliant, roaring river of time.
Her giggle follows me down. "Oh, and Victor?" her voice calls, cutting through the chaos. "I added a teeny tiny extra perk. I gave you the full bloodline, powers, and abilities of a Divine Incubus King! Go get 'em, playboy!"
A WHAT?! AN INCU—
The thought shatters into light, noise, and the overwhelming, crushing sensation of being very, very small, and very, very new.
The last coherent thing I feel is a ghost of a laugh against my soul, and the terrifying, thrilling knowledge that my life has probably just become a movie you'd only find on the geekiest of geeks' search history, and definitely not for viewers under the age of 18.
As my childhood hero Kel Kimble once said.
AWWW, HERE IT GOES!
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END OF CHAPTER 2