"What if it was a mistake??" Ira mumbled nervously. "What if I said too much? What if I said too little!?" She fiddled with her fingers to bind her nerves as she waggled her head slightly to inflect as she spoke.
"You had me read and reread it three times, it is absolutely fine," Cresseida assured her ill at ease patient. "Whatever happens, you are going to be okay. No matter what they do or don't say, you will still be here, and you will still be safe." The doctor said kindly.
Ira took a deep breath and nodded, trying to take her words to heart.
"Now I need to go on my rounds, but remember, your anxiety likes to run away with all that pent up energy from laying in bed all this time. So when you start getting in your head, do your physical therapy exercises, three times in 20 minute intervals, and work on your breathing. "You're still sure you want to practice them yourself and without the physical therapist?" The doctor added. Ira nodded insistently.
"Okay, just use the bell if you need help with anything," She reminded her, and Ira nodded appreciatively.
"Good deal," Cresseida smiled and nodded, then went out into the hallway. Through her time between rounds, she thought hard about an exit strategy for Ira. Somewhere that could provide her housing or possibly a job. That way when she inevitably made her recovery and was ready to get out of this place, she would have a safe and stable place to go.
Maybe I should talk to Daksha about it… She thought to herself. She was frustrated in how little progress had been made on the project they had been planning. She wanted so badly to finally have her official doctorate so she could finally move forward with the dream she had been thinking about for so many years. She was so close and still felt so far from it.
As she was walking down the hallway near the office wing, she overheard an argument about how they needed to hire another janitor because the current level of help was insufficient. This perked Cresseidas ear and got her thinking up a plan fast.
—-
After Cresseida had gone, Ira laid on the pad on the floor and did the movements she had been instructed to do. As she worked on the exercises she tried to keep her mind from wandering to the dream she had been having.
She closed her eyes and there were flashes in her mind of the wide open blue sky, mighty cumulonimbus towering as high as the mountains of Augrora. She could feel the wind in her hair howling majestically as she could feel her skin bathed in the sun. She felt so free, so light, so capable. She hazily remembered the faces of those she once considered her sisters as they rode into the neverending sky.
She started to sweat as she continued the stretches and motions that were meant to ground her. She tried to stay in the moment as she remembered her body's agility making gravity feel meaningless as she swung on the only thing that tethered her to the world. The creaking and moaning of the hull against the wind at night as she slept in her bunk as the north wind whispered secrets in her ear.
She could feel her fingertips gently glide against the smooth broad side of her sword as it glinted in the sunlight. The power and confidence that would feel in her body when she picked it up. As she grew the skill of swordplay with her sisters, united, they grew and felt that confidence together. Her pulse started to increase as she sweated even more. Ira didn't realize her movements had become faster than what the doctor had trained her to do. Her heart beat faster as she remembered the storms that beat her against the deck and threatened to toss her overboard. She remembered the screams that faded into the howls of the wind, the anger, her beautiful, wrathful captain's face when she realized the truth, the blood-
Then she collapsed on the ground and panted, sweat dripping down her face. She realized that sweat had also become tears that she had to take a deep breath to try to slow. Her muscles ached as she lay on the mat on the ground, lungs heaving, reminding herself of where she was and that she was safe. She was safe. She repeated it to herself and focused on her breathing.
She sprawled out on the ground and felt the sun shining in from the window warm her pale skin, and her ear perked up as she heard the sound of a sparrow pecking at some bugs that had made a home outside the window on the ledge. She rolled her head over to look at the chirping little creature that hopped about without a care in the world. Then it was joined by a friend. They chirped for a moment as if having a conversation, before noticing her gaze and flying away together.
Her gaze didn't move from the window. Feeling the sunshine's warmth blanket her in perfect elongated squares, the shadows of the window sashes casting lines that conformed to the contours of her body, as if the long bars of shadows were a weighted net holding her down to the ground. The distant winds outside far beyond her window, pushing about massive streaking stratus clouds in whorling paint strokes accented in gold by the shining sun contrasted by that great azure blue, shifting fluidly into shapes that seemed so abstract but familiar.
She had always loved the sky. Some great ever changing painting shaped by the hand of some faraway ambivalent god. If there was a god, and if they had a face, she figured it would be something as amorphous and everchanging as the sky. Full of vast ever changing variety and emotion beyond mortal understanding. Wrath and wonders that were always just beyond a windowpane. She had always dreamed of being there. Wherever it went, wherever it would lead, far far beyond the endless horizon, leading her away from the cares of the world that she was always trying to escape. Somewhere that once belonged only to the near weightless birds that were free to fly as fast and far as they liked. Somewhere so free and full of fresh air there she would never again know what it was like to suffocate.
Somewhere colorful and beautiful, beyond the moon and beyond the rain. When the sun would fall beyond the horizon she could feel the comfort of a thousand sisters glittering above her in the inky black sky. The stars were so numerous and neverending they were like a family she had never known. Infinite in possibility and measure, but constant no matter where she walked the specks of light shown above her to rekindle and comfort her and never let her feel alone. Somewhere she longed to be. Somewhere beyond the small minds and small ideas that bound her all her life. Something kind of life far above and away from shame or guilt or fear.
When times had been tough and she didn't know how to cope, she would go out and see the sky again and try to let it lift the weight she felt binding her. The shifting shapes in the breeze that could never be touched or controlled or told what they were supposed to be. They were just there. Mighty and untouchable and without limit. She winced as she felt her over-worked muscles twinge at her as she lifted herself off the floor and rose to her feet, resting her fingertips on the windowsill, gazing out at the city outside her window.
She never realized how beautiful Lochshore was. From up above the dark alleys and the uneasy passages that made up the shadows of the city, the glow of the skyline in daylight from way up here felt breathtaking. She saw all kinds of people walking around the green square beside Lochshore University. In the center of the square was a giant honest to goodness chunk of stone. It was huge and made of softly eroded sandstone, covered in bands of yellow and deep red caused by layers of iron in the sediment that had hardened over thousands of years.
In their sky society, remnants of the old world aside from carefully curated and landscaped trees or patches of green, were rare. This was a boulder that had been carefully brought up by scavengers from the old world. Usually if you wanted a taste of nature, of what the old world used to be, you would go to Augrora. The largest of the many floating sectors, although its population tended to be less than the bigger cities. It was a collection of huge chunks of the earth that had been lifted up directly during the Great Ascension, as opposed to being completely artificially built, like Lochshore. There were mountains and deserts and farms and forests in Augrora. It was a taste of a more rural life in parts. Some greater natural wonders in others, so she had been told.
There were even these places called 'lakes' and 'rivers' filled with freshwater, with all kinds of fish in it. Similar to ponds that more wealthy folk might own except less artificial. There were many people of different tribes and cultures that lived there too. Those whose way of life were indivisible with the land, or so Ira had heard it told during her education long ago. Her family never deemed it necessary to go out and see such things. But they never thought very far outside of their coffers either.
She sighed as she leaned her head back to stare at the glow of sunlight reflected off her and the floor onto the painted white ceiling with rather tasteful molding around the rounded corners of the room.
Cresseida was teaching her a lot about things she had never learned from her family. Things she never learned anywhere. She could tell you economic growth percentages, at least at one point when she was younger, like they were as predictable as the weather. Though these things were important valuable skills, she never learned how to consider what she wanted out of life. How to plan a meal. How to feel her own feelings instead of making her entire self the picture her parents wanted to see. Someone she looked in the mirror and was disgusted by.
"What do I want…?" She stared at the ceiling and thought to herself. "I wanted freedom… But freedom isn't free when you don't have the resources or skills to take care of yourself, and make your own choices for your own life and go where you want to go. Without those resources, that's just, being away from controlling people, while being hungry. Sure it's kinda better but… You don't know how to live…" She heard the words leave her mouth and her eyes twinkled in realization.
Wait.. was that by design? She thought suddenly. Was not getting certain opportunities another means of control? And if the only opportunities I was given were only ones toward a path that would make my parents happier, were they, in one fashion or another, chaining me to that life of servitude? She grimaced and rubbed her temples. All the time I groveled, told myself I should be grateful… hating myself for not being better… for not being what they wanted…. And then hating myself more for being miserable… blaming myself for being the problem even as a small child…
Ira glanced at the flowers that her doctor had brought to brighten up her room, because she had read a study that having greenery and plants around you are good for mental health. She brought them, she said, to make the room feel better. She wanted Ira to feel better. So she made the space more accommodating to her and she, indeed, felt better when she looked at them. Something about this made Ira trust her more than anyone else in her life. Even… Ira shuddered and waved away a memory she didn't want to be distracted by and took a deep breath.
Ira rolled her head and looked back at the window, still sprawled out on the floor laying in the sunlight that had progressively enveloped her form as time had passed.
"Cresseida said that most people wake up and don't feel like they want to die," She said the words out loud and tried to believe them. She knew if she had told her younger self this as a child, she would never have believed it.
One of the sparrows came back and started pecking about again and this made Ira smile.
"I wonder if this 'D. Baltimore' person likes to look at birds…"