That late-night conversation with Xu Rang buried a seed in the depths of my heart—or rather, it caused a "rebellious bone" (fangu) to sprout.
It turned the already thin affection between Chen Qiang and me completely into plain water, utterly tasteless.
I can be loyal to you, I can be your little brother, but you cannot manipulate me or threaten me.
Xu Rang stayed in the clinic for a day and a night. After getting out, I immediately went home.
The bullet holes were still on the courtyard gate. My mother hadn't gone to sell vegetables; instead, she was sitting in the middle of the courtyard, staring straight at the entrance.
Chen Qiang must have sent her back immediately after returning. I imagined she had been in this posture all day, watching the door, waiting for her youngest son (yao'er) to come back.
I looked at the bullet holes on the door, then at my mother sitting motionless in the chair. For a moment, I actually felt afraid.
I wasn't afraid of handling people with a knife, but I was afraid of the look in my mother's eyes right now.
Taking small steps, I walked up to my mother and knelt directly before her.
"Mom, I'm back."
My mother's eyes regained focus, converging on me.
She raised her hand and gently touched my face. Then, she slapped me.
She didn't say a word. She just slapped me, one slap after another, until the corner of my mouth split and started to bleed. Only then did she stop.
My mother was a woman with a bitter fate.
From the time I could understand things, she had shed many tears—some because of my damn bastard of a father, and some because of my big brother.
She was just an elderly woman; it was normal to cry when things happened. But she had never given up on anything because of tears.
She had always been resilient. She raised my big brother, and after he died, she endured all kinds of hardships, waking up in the dark to sell vegetables to send me to school.
Today, my mother didn't cry.
Perhaps over all these years, her tears had long since run dry during those unbearable days and nights.
She couldn't squeeze out even a few drops for this unfilial youngest son of hers.
Trembling, she raised her hand to wipe the blood from the corner of my mouth, her voice shaking uncontrollably.
"My youngest boy... what is this all for? What are you trying to gain?"
I lowered my head, not daring to speak.
My big brother walked a dark path until the end, becoming the first to "eat a bullet" (get executed) during the '83 Crackdown.
Now I was walking the same old road he did. I didn't know what to say to put my mother's mind at ease.
Mother pulled my ear, her emotions becoming agitated. "Speak! Why don't you speak! What are you after? What is this for?"
I stiffened my neck and let my mother tear at me. What kind of excuse could I find for myself? What could make it seem like I had no choice, what could make my mixing in the underworld sound dignified and legitimate?
I couldn't find one. Everything had been set in stone the moment I took that gun to handle business.
I, Chu Shanhe, was born restless. I liked money, and I liked the feeling of being high above, trampling others under my feet.
Everything I had done... maybe at the start there were reasons—because of Chen Xiang, because of Liuzi.
But by now, everything was my own choice. It had nothing to do with anyone else.
Perhaps Mother got tired of hitting me, or perhaps my hopeless state made her heart die completely.
She stood up silently, went back into the house, and closed the door.
"Son (Yao'er), there are some things that once you do them, sooner or later you have to pay them back. If you don't pay now, you won't be able to escape it later."
"I don't want to see you die before me. If you still want to call me Mom, then don't continue down this path."
The door was shut tight. I knelt outside, faintly hearing my mother sobbing softly inside.
I knocked my head against the stone slab, one kowtow after another. I wanted to open my mouth, to say something, anything. But even when my forehead started to bleed from the knocking, I couldn't say a single word.
Mother, forgive your son's lack of filial piety. Your son has walked onto this path, and there is no turning back.
If I said I wouldn't follow Chen Qiang now, the next person to be "handled" would be me.
Mother never opened the door for me. I knelt until my legs went numb and lost all feeling, then staggered to my feet.
Looking at the bullet holes on the courtyard gate, my heart was filled with agitation. With a few kicks, I brought the old wooden door crashing down.
Then I prepared to go to town to find a carpenter to install a new one.
As soon as I walked out, I saw Chen Qiang holding a bowl, squatting in front of his own house eating.
We were neighbors. Perhaps he had heard everything that happened in my house, word for word.
I smiled awkwardly. "Big Brother, you're eating."
Chen Qiang nodded with a smile. There were two other people standing behind him; they seemed to be discussing something.
"Number Two, have you eaten? If not, make do with a bite here."
I shook my head. "No, no. My door got blasted by Liuzi. I'm going to town to find someone to replace it."
Chen Qiang let out an "Oh," then said to one of the men behind him, "Run to town and call Carpenter Tan over. Just say Second Brother Chu needs his door replaced."
The man nodded and jogged off.
Chen Qiang calling me "Second Brother Chu" caught me off guard.
"Aiya, Big Brother, no need for that. I can go myself."
Chen Qiang placed his chopsticks down on his bowl and hooked his free arm around my shoulder.
"For a bullshit little matter like this (map da de shiqing), just calling someone is enough. Even if you're not eating, come in and sit. I just told Mustache Yang to go get Xu Rang. Us brothers will have a drink in a bit."
My heart stirred. It seemed it was time to cash in on the promises.
Although Xu Rang and I hadn't finished off Wang Hai and the other guy, the fish farm and the slot machine parlor Chen Qiang mentioned before seemed to still be on the table.
Today was exactly the fifth day. Tomorrow, Xu Muye would come from the county seat to Liuxiang Town, and the passenger station business would get on the right track. Chen Qiang wouldn't care about the fish farm and the slot machines anymore.
Xu Rang and I had charged into the fray for him. Regardless of whether the "blood oath" was submitted, if he didn't give us any benefits, no one would dare work for him in the future.
I swallowed my saliva. I had survived the flashing knives and sword shadows; now it was time to divide the spoils.
Chen Qiang handed his bowl to a lackey beside him and pulled me into his courtyard.
The courtyard of the Big Brother of Liuxiang Town was much more impressive than mine.
At this moment, the yard was full of people. The town butcher was busy in the center; two sheep and a fat pig were tied to a chopping board, waiting for the butcher's knife to fall.
Chen Qiang laughed and said, "I was just too hungry, really hungry. For all these years, I had to share one bowl of rice with Liuzi. Now, it's finally my turn to eat alone. So I couldn't wait for you and Xu Rang; I had a bowl first."
As Chen Qiang led me through, the people stood up one after another, calling out "Big Brother." Chen Qiang only nodded slightly, not even bothering to reply verbally.
When we reached the middle of the courtyard, Chen Qiang pressed down on my shoulder and spoke loudly to his lackeys.
"From now on, Chu Shanhe is my, Chen Qiang's, brother. When you see him, you all better smarten up. Don't look down on him because he's young; when he handles business, he's much cleaner and sharper than any of you."
A few quick-witted ones had already poured a glass of liquor and said to me, "Come, Brother Chu. I'm not good with words, so I'll drink this one first. I'm Zhao Hanliang. If you need anything in the future, just say the word."
"Right, right, Brother Chu, I'm..."
I suddenly felt top-heavy and light-footed, floating on air.
When young, a person is most easily blinded by fame and profit.
Half a year ago, I was slapped face after face by a low-class bastard like Chen Xiang. Today, half a year later, a huge crowd of people mixing in society and walking the Jianghu were scrambling to toast me.
This gave my vanity immense satisfaction.
That year, I was just eighteen.
Amidst the sounds of "Brother Chu" and the toasts, I forgot about the weeping of my mother on the other side of the courtyard wall.
I walked further and further down the dead-end road of the underworld.
Looking back now, my mother was right. The things you do have to be paid back; no one can escape.
I made a choice at the ignorant age of eighteen, so that in all the years after I became sensible, I have been bearing the consequences of that choice.
I hope you gentlemen do not ruin yourselves.