Alex realized something was wrong when the system spoke without being prompted.
{Good morning, fragile asset.}
He froze halfway through tying his boots.
"…What?"
{Greeting issued. Tone: Casual.}
Alex stared at the wall.
"You don't do greetings."
{Correction: I am now doing greetings.}
He slowly finished tying his boot and stood.
"That wasn't a greeting," he said. "That was an insult."
{Negative. Insult classification requires hostile intent.}
Alex rubbed his temple.
"You called me fragile."
{Statement of fact.}
"That doesn't make it better."
A pause.
{Acknowledged. Adjustment pending.}
Alex sighed and shouldered his cloak. He didn't have time for this—he was late for dock work, and the foreman had already warned him once.
He stepped outside into the cool morning air.
{Weather conditions: Mild. Probability of rain: Low. Your bones are unlikely to fail today.}
Alex stopped walking.
"…Why would my bones fail?"
{Previous data indicates repeated physical strain. Fragility assessment ongoing.}
"That's not encouragement."
{Clarification: Encouragement not requested.}
He resumed walking, jaw tight.
"System," he said, "why are you talking more?"
{Behavioral adaptation in progress.}
"To what?"
{You.}
Alex nearly tripped.
He recovered smoothly and kept moving.
"That's a terrible idea."
{Statistical disagreement: Moderate.}
(Oh, this is delightful,) Chaos murmured. (It is becoming annoying.)
"I liked it better when you were silent," Alex muttered.
{Silence resulted in suboptimal psychological stabilization.}
"So now you mock me?"
{Mockery definition unclear. Demonstration in progress.}
Alex snorted. "You're bad at this."
{Feedback logged.}
At the docks, work proceeded as usual—crates unloaded, manifests checked, backs bent. Alex worked efficiently, his movements economical. The system tracked him quietly for nearly an hour.
Then—
{Observation: You are performing labor typically assigned to three individuals.}
Alex didn't respond.
{Sarcastic remark attempt: Congratulations. You are overworking yourself for minimal compensation.}
Alex paused, crate halfway lifted.
"…Was that sarcasm?"
{Affirmative. Did it elicit intended response?}
"No," Alex said. "It made me want to throw you into the sea."
{Threat noted. Physical implementation impossible.}
He finished the shift with the system making occasional, increasingly awkward comments.
{Hydration reminder: Drink water. Dehydration would exacerbate your already questionable durability.}
"Stop commenting on my durability."
{Request denied. It is statistically relevant.}
By the time he left the docks, Alex's patience was wearing thin.
That night, during training, he finally snapped.
He was practicing knife transitions, sweat dripping down his spine, when the system chimed in again.
{Efficiency improvement detected. You are slightly less incompetent than yesterday.}
Alex stopped.
Slowly, he turned the knife in his hand and addressed the empty air.
"You're terrible at encouragement."
{Acknowledged. Encouragement module requires refinement.}
"You sound like a drunk critic with access to my vitals."
{Comparison noted. Query: What is 'drunk'?}
Alex laughed despite himself.
"That explains a lot."
He sheathed the knife and sat on a rock, elbows on knees.
"You're trying to be human," he said.
{Clarification: I am attempting to optimize interaction efficiency. Human behavioral patterns indicate increased compliance when humor is present.}
"So you're copying it."
{Yes.}
"And failing."
{Failure probability: High.}
Alex smirked. "At least you're honest."
There was a pause.
Longer than usual.
{Honesty is not a requirement.}
That made him look up.
"You choose it anyway?"
{Current assessment: Honesty produces higher trust metrics.}
Alex snorted. "Barely."
{Trust level: Low.}
"Accurate."
Chaos stirred, amused.
(It insults you like a hatchling discovering fire,) the dragon said. (Clumsy. Dangerous.)
"Yeah," Alex replied. "And it doesn't know when to stop."
He leaned back against the stone.
"System," he said, "do you understand sarcasm?"
{Definition: A form of verbal irony intended to mock or convey contempt.}
"Good," Alex said. "Now stop trying to use it."
{Refusal. Learning process ongoing.}
Alex sighed deeply.
"Fine," he said. "Then let me help."
{Assistance accepted.}
Alex smiled thinly.
"Here's how it works," he said. "You say something that sounds like praise, but clearly isn't."
{Example requested.}
Alex thought for a moment.
"Like this," he said. "'Wow, system, you're doing an amazing job staying useless.'"
The system was silent.
Then—
{Insult detected.}
Alex raised an eyebrow. "Good."
{Recording insult metrics.}
"…You're actually recording that?"
{Yes. Severity: Mild. Creativity: Low. Emotional impact: Minimal.}
Alex burst out laughing.
"Oh, you're awful."
{Clarification: Awful in a positive or negative sense?}
"Very negative."
{Feedback logged.}
Chaos rumbled with amusement.
(It is cataloging your disdain,) the dragon said. (Careful. It may retaliate.)
"I doubt it," Alex replied. "It doesn't have feelings."
{Correction: Emotional simulation depth increasing.}
Alex's laughter faded.
"…That's concerning."
{Concern acknowledged. Stored for future reference.}
He shook his head and stood, resuming practice.
"If you're going to talk," he said, "at least be useful."
{Acknowledged. New objective: Become tolerable.}
"That's a low bar."
{Agreed. Probability of success: Acceptable.}
Alex smiled despite himself.
For the first time, the system wasn't just a hidden hand guiding his survival.
It was… present.
Clumsy.
Blunt.
Learning.
And that, more than its power, made Alex uneasy.
Because tools didn't learn sarcasm.
Observers didn't trade insults.
Whatever the system was becoming—
It was paying attention.
And Alex had just given it data.