The next morning.
"I can't believe she wore that dress!" Marshall exclaimed for the umpteenth time, pacing the living room with long strides. "That was our dress! The one the three of us went to buy for that interview with the idiot from the gallery who ended up asking for her number!"
Barney, sitting comfortably on the sofa ready for brunch, heard him. "Marshall, what does it matter? It's just a provocation. I'd jump on her. Or what are you going to do? Challenge her to a pistol duel? It's Lily."
"Yeah, and Alyx has been acting weird. Sometimes she shows up here with bruises," Marshall continued. "What the hell is she doing?"
Relaxed, Barney told him, "I don't know. And frankly, I think that's what she wants."
Wanting to focus on something else to avoid worrying so much about Alyx, Marshall thought about his counterattack. If Lily wanted to play dirty, they would play dirty. He remembered Lily's old weakness. A part of her body that, according to Lily during playful intimate moments, was (too attractive).
Her calves.
So he told Barney about Lily's little guilty pleasure.
"Really?"
"Completely," said Marshall. "She wore the dress, I'll use my calves. It's poetic justice."
"It's crazy," said Ted. "No one gets turned on by a man's calves. They're a... terrestrial part of the body."
"You'd say that if you didn't have those chicken sticks you call legs," Marshall retorted.
Barney, offended, stood up and left the apartment, saying, "I'll await my apologies."
At the restaurant that afternoon. Marshall arrived with his zip-off pants unzipped at the ankles. Ted, Robin, and Barney were already there.
"My God," said Robin upon seeing him. "Marshall, what... is that?"
"It's my statement of principle," he said, sitting down awkwardly.
Ted's parents only glanced at him briefly.
The door opened and Lily entered, this time wearing a black dress with white accents on the neckline—more modest but equally provocative, with her defiant bearing. Her eyes immediately sought out Marshall, ready for another round.
"Marshall," she said, her voice...
"Lily," he said in turn with a brief nod.
They sat down. The air was charged with agonizing sexual electricity. It was like watching two gladiators who, instead of swords, used memories and known weak points.
Alyx arrived a few minutes later. She came directly from somewhere, with her hair slightly damp at the nape of her neck, as if she had showered in a hurry. She wore clothes similar to the previous brunch—jeans, boots, and a loose gray sweatshirt this time—but her face seemed paler, her eyes with darker bags. As she sat down, Marshall noticed she moved her left shoulder carefully, as if it hurt.
"Alyx, is everything okay?" asked Robin, noticing the same thing, worried she might have hurt herself at the gym.
"Sure," said Alyx with a quick smile that convinced no one. "Just a little tense."
The brunch began. The conversation was forced. Ted talked with Barney about his unfaithful father and how to tell his mother or scold his father. Robin tried to figure out why Virginia didn't want her to have Ted's babies. But the real drama unfolded silently between Marshall and Lily.
Marshall waited. When Lily leaned over to pick up her napkin, showing once again that neckline which no longer had the impact of the red dress but was still a reminder.
Then he acted.
"It's really hot in here, don't you think?" he suddenly said in a voice that was too loud, though only Lily and Alyx looked at him as he unzipped the legs of his pants.
The fabric parted, revealing a strip of tanned skin with the beginning of his thick, defined calf—the calf of an athlete or a man who could carry his girlfriend (or two) without effort.
Lily held her breath. Her eyes fixed on the revealed skin. Ted rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Robin sank into her seat, murmuring "Oh, God" to herself.
"My calves," Marshall explained in a tone of feigned complaint, "cramp up terribly. All that toe-raising exercise is something brutal."
Lily froze, her face not only full of desire but also pain at how he used their shared memories for this attack.
"What are you doing?" she hissed, her voice trembling.
"Me? Nothing. Just getting comfortable." His smile was a challenge. "Like you with your dress."
It was a low blow, and it hit the mark. Lily's eyes filled with tears of rage and humiliation. In the end, the two of them went to the bathroom, had a quick roll, and returned to the table, running into Robin and Virginia outside the bathroom talking.
As they passed by Alyx, they heard her say, "Seems like you both have temperature regulation issues," said Alyx, her voice clear and dry, cutting through the tension. "Maybe you should see a doctor."
Her words, so cold and out of place, were a bucket of ice water. Marshall and Lily felt that their forms of attack and the little roll in the bathroom without seriously talking about their problems were like a band-aid on a meter-wide wound.
The rest of brunch was an ordeal. Lily barely spoke, and Marshall, feeling suddenly foolish, zipped his pants back up properly.
Then, seeing all of Ted's drama with his parents—first that Alfred was unfaithful, then the truth about their divorce, and how Ted seemed so shaken by all of it—was enough to give them perspective on the things they really needed to talk about. They went outside the restaurant to talk. Barney stood at the food bar, excited. Leaving Lily, Marshall, and Alyx alone at the table in silence.
Alyx stood up first.
"I have to go," she announced. "A date."
"A date?" asked Marshall, unable to hide his anxiety.
Alyx looked at him directly for the first time that afternoon, with a hint of emotion in her eyes—pity. "Yes, Marshall. A date. With a punching bag and then a blank canvas." She paused, letting the words sink in. "Don't worry, they don't bite that much."
And before anyone could respond, she turned and left, leaving a slight scent of coffee and smoke in the air.
"I think we should keep some distance," said Lily into the silence after Alyx's exit.
"Yeah, I think the same. It's kind of confusing," Marshall finished.
As they went back to eating, they murmured.
"You're wearing padding in your bra," Marshall asked without looking at her.
"You tanned your calves," Lily retorted.
"I take back the question," said Marshall, taking a bite.
"Mmm," murmured Lily.
"Well," said Barney, who had watched the rest from the bar—though he didn't hear what they said, he saw Lily and Marshall's expressions when Alyx got up and left—approached the table, rubbing his hands with macabre enthusiasm. "That was educational!"
"Score: Revealed calf: 8 for visual impact. Ex-girlfriend humiliation: 9. Silent disapproval from the other ex: 10 with a gold star. I think Alyx won, guys. And she didn't even have to show a leg." He finished with glee.
Lily and Marshall just sank deeper into their chairs in silence.
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